Posts Tagged 'truth'

moving on…

So, I’ve been thinking for quite awhile now….even before I started writing here again…that I feel like I have outgrown this particular blog.

I don’t really understand that, because I mean, it’s a blog.

But, I guess the best way to describe it is that my voice has changed. My experiences over the past few years have changed me.

I am realizing that this blog does not have that new voice that is inside of me. I am instead trying to fit the new me into the old voice and it isn’t working.

I feel the need to start fresh.

So, that is what I am going to do.
I haven’t completely figured it all out, yet, but if you want to know where I am writing once I do, just let me know in a comment or send me an email or something. Whatever works.

No hard feelings if you don’t want to know or care to know or anything like that. I mean I’m not that interesting. 

Okay, announcements are through. 

Carry on.

If it was anyone, it would be Tom Hanks

If there was ever an actor I would hope to bump into while we were out in LA, it would be Tom Hanks.

And I’m not wanting this for me…even though I would probably lose my chill and be all TOM HANKS!!!

It would be for Kellan.

No, really. Swear.

Kellan doesn’t even know who Tom Hanks is…except for maybe him making the connection after Tom says hello (because of course he would. It’s TOM HANKS!) and yelling, “It’s Woody! From Toy Story!”

Begin me talking ninety miles a minute to try and quickly help Kellan remember that he had a monologue from Toy Story that he was supposed to perform last summer (“Why wouldn’t Andy want you? LOOK AT YOU! You’re a Buzz Lightyear!”…) at a competition he went to in LA, but then….then…a day or so before the competition, one of the acting coaches he was working with (Lisa Ann Walter…if any of you recognize the name) literally told him eye to eye, “You are so cute you can do any monologue you want. You don’t even have to say anything. Just stand on the stage and wave.”

So after that pep talk, Kellan was like, “I’m doing my Home Alone monologue and my spongebob commercial.”

I’ll have you know that those were the “backup” pieces instead of what was supposed to be front and center. The bread and butter. The Toy Story monologue. The Lego commercial.

(Of which he has probably forgotten both)

Fast forward to Kellan rocking both his backup monologue and commercial. I guess Lisa knew what she was talking about. Kellan ended up winning Best Commercial and Actor of the Year in his age group. 

Did I mention he was four? And his age group was 4-12?

Yah. Insane.

During the awards, they would flash headshots of the four finalists for each category and the finalists would go up on stage and they would read the runners up and then finally the winner. Each person got a medal draped over their neck. The winner getting one with a yellow ribbon and heavy medal stating they had won “Best….fill in the category.”

When Kellan saw his picture he was like, “THAT’S ME!!!” And he hopped off his chair and RAN up to the stage so fast I had to stop recording the moment on my phone and go chase after him.


Then he took his moment like he had been doing this all his life (He hasn’t. This was his first rodeo) and walked up and down the catwalk, waving to the crowd, like he owned it.

All this before they even announced the winner. They had to reel him back in to do all of the official business.

Cutest. moment. of. my. life. and everyone else’s in that room. Budding actors. Agents. Talent managers. Everyone was cheering him on.

You really shoulda been there.

So, where were we? Right! 


Kellan has a goal to be an actor.

Sidebar: We did not suggest this. He did. My plan was sports. Basketball. Soccer. Saturday’s at a gym or a field. Sweaty socks and uniforms. Apparently Kellan didn’t get that memo. Once he made his dreams known, however, we have – and are – doing all we can to help him achieve his goals.

HELLO! TOM HANKS! This is the part where you come in.

The acting life and path is mired with all kinds of challenges and difficulties and disappointments (of which we have already had plenty), and countless exercises in good decision making.

Now, I don’t know Tom Hanks from a hole in the wall, but for whatever reason, I think he would be one of the best people – if not the best person – to talk to Kellan. To teach him things about the acting life.

I know zero. I know loads about basketball. I could teach him a million things about that. Plenty of anecdotes.

However, with acting, I am learning right along with him every step of the way. So, if there was a wing in this area of life that I could fly Kellan under, I feel like it should be his. If there was ever a mentor I could choose…it would be him.

I have no idea why. 

It just seems right.

I have no rational really.

It sounds like a crazy person talking, I know. I’m not crazy. Or maybe I am. I mean really, who’s to judge here? 

(But Tom, if you’re reading this, I promise I’m not crazy)

I just want Kellan to hear it from someone who knows. Who has been there. I know he’s not perfect. 

Nobody is perfect.

But he seems perfect for Kellan.

I feel like they’d really get along. Maybe some things would sink in. Maybe some life lessons would be learned. Maybe some wisdom shared about this business Kellan has asked to be part of – on his own volition – since he was three.

Maybe… day.

Kellan keeps auditioning. We continue going to LA. He keeps trying. He keeps impressing the decision makers.

He just hasn’t been the right fit, yet.

He will be, one day. I know he will.

Maybe it’ll be alongside Tom and then all of these things will become a reality. 

You never know.

And then? 

I’d just casually run into him on set and be all TOM HANKS!!!!

news I did not want but had to have

It’s been news I have been waiting on…news I didn’t want but knew was coming.

And it came today.

A very dear friend of mine passed away from ALS. A friend I have known since I was three. She was part of the church group of friends I grew up with and spent so much time with and had so many memories with…even though we didn’t keep in touch on a daily basis as we got older, any time a big event occurred for one of us, we all would always rejoin and be there for each other and get along like no time had passed.

The last get together was about three years ago when we went back home and my mom threw a party for me because I was being inducted into my college sports hall of fame for basketball.

She was there…all of my friends from that group were there. It was right before she was diagnosed.

The years following she was there for me when we went through our trauma with baby bista. She sent a daily devotional book with my mom when she came to visit to give to me. She prayed for peace for our family and asked we do the same for hers.

I tried to do special things for her. Little things. I sent letters to her boys from the North Pole from Santa at Christmas. I sent them valentines from Loveland. I made her a photo album with old pictures of all kinds of memories and funny post it’s on each photo and mailed it to her. I would send her random texts, like a picture of the Rocky Mountains when we were visiting Colorado. Or a rainbow over our house one day. 

A few days ago I sent her sister a letter with lots of fun memories…and they read it to my friend…I knew I needed to send it. Something kept tugging at me to write it. So I did…and I am so glad I did. My mom told me they read it to her in the hospital and thought it was so special…they appreciated it so much. But ugh….to have to go through this. It’s so hard.

My friend was one of the first people I told about baby bista. Really I think my mom told her first, but I emailed her about it all and told her how I felt and all of those things. 

I felt so vulnerable. I felt empty. I had this constant pit in my stomach that resulted in me never feeling hungry. All I wanted was to be physically close to Tim and Kellan and didn’t want to be alone.

All of the same feelings I feel now.

I know these feelings. I hate them, but I know them. I know what they are and I know I actually have to allow myself to feel them even though they make me anxious and on edge all the time.

I don’t enjoy having to go through them….though I don’t really think anyone enjoys it.

It seems like we are just going through a rough patch. It happens, I know it does. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, but I am ready for a string of rainbows. I am ready for it not to rain so much. I don’t want to feel anxious about everyday things just because I’m struggling to get through this grief process.

I am so thankful to have two littles who are so happy and funny and bring so much joy. They force me to live in the present and that is such an important thing for me to do. To focus on the here and now.

I remember when we were going through the baby bista stuff, I had a different friend who I would email all kinds of things…just to get it out…and she was amazing. She would email me back and ask questions and be supportive. I would look forward to her emails almost every night around 1am when I had to take second shift to feed baby bista. They were my lifeline. They helped me so much. Every single day was a struggle but she kept me grounded.

I needed something to anchor me, like I do now. I needed to get it out because I was beyond traumatized. I felt so hollow. I felt like my whole world came crashing down. 

It is so hard to go through these things and understand the “why” as it applies to your life.

I feel like the why in this instance is for me and Tim to change direction on the path we have been going down. Not communicating well. Not expressing when we feel hurt by the other. Not appreciating one another and not enjoying life together as we should. 

We already had a long talk about it over the weekend. We already made plans as to how to get better and work on our relationship.

And though all of this is good and positive, going through this moment is still very, very hard. 

I don’t like the pit in my stomach. I don’t like feeling so anxious and afraid.

(I do think some of this anxious feelings are being exacerbated by postpartum hormonal shifts…and I know I’m having them because my deodorant stopped working. I learned that fun telltale sign from postpartum with Kellan)

I know the things I need to do to help myself heal, like write and lean on Tim and allow myself to feel sad. 

But it just really sucks. There is no other way to slice it.

It sucks.

my mom purpose

Ok so, I AM 34. And when I turned 34, Tim was all, “You’re the age I was when we met!”

Man. I never even thought of that.

But still. 34. 


Thirty. Four.

Can you tell I’m shocked?

I am not at all where I thought I’d be…but honestly I don’t even know where that was supposed to be, anyway. Partly because since having Kellan, I kind of stopped thinking about long term goals other than being the best mom I can be. Granted, that looks different for everyone, but that’s all I really thought about and strived for on a daily basis since then.

I mean, I do have things I would like to accomplish, but I haven’t put those things above being a mom.

Maybe that’s good. Maybe it’s not. But it is what it is. And I’m totally okay with that. I am 100% all in when it comes to helping Kellan achieve his goals and dreams…and man does he have big dreams. How an almost five year old can be so sure of what he wants to do is beyond me. I don’t remember having that much drive and determination at that age…but he has it and we are all doing what we can to help him get there. Make it. BE who he dreams to be.

That’s my purpose. And I love it.

Maybe that’s it for me, I don’t know. My whole purpose revolves around helping someone else succeed. It seems ridiculous but it’s honestly such a fulfilling and absolutely heart exploding feeling when something happens that shows the fruits of everyone’s labor.

But really the look on his face…how proud he is…that’s what I live for. It’s worth every hard day, every struggle, every tear. Every encouraging word and every hug when things don’t go exactly the way he hopes they will. None of those are easy …it may even be harder for me than it is for him…but it’s what makes success so much sweeter…those moments where tears are welling in my eyes when I get to watch him reap the reward that is finally earned…that took a lot of hard work and time and patience and everything in between.

I live for those moments. Past, present, future. Every single one of those moments. I will forever be his biggest fan, his loudest, most annoying cheerleader, his confidant any time he needs one. I’m always in his corner, ready to give a pep talk or a listening ear or a hug – whatever is needed at that particular time.

This part of mom-ing is fun. 

It’s amazing.

I love it.

coffee makes me crazy

Y’all….and I don’t even like to say y’all, even though I’m from Georgia…but I just can’t get on board…anyway Y’ALL.

Coffee makes me crazy.

I mean, I love it, don’t get me wrong, but it literally makes me so jumpy and high strung feeing that I know it’s probably not the best idea. It even makes me feel agitated sometimes. Or it makes me feel like I need to bedoingeverythingallatonceatthesametimerightnow.

So, as much as I love it, I don’t love it. 

I have also learned that if I get so dependent on it that if I stop, it results in a migraine. Also no bueno.

When I totally stopped drinking coffee, I realized that I actually felt more awake in the morning without my brain thinking it needed the caffeine. A shower was enough and I was bright eyed and bushy tailed.

But…I love coffee. Inset sadface slash perplexed face slash I don’t know what to do face because COFFEE.

I started drinking it again recently…but now that I have, I am remembering why I stopped.

Hello jitters.

It doesn’t even matter if I do the mocha thing where the cocoa is supposed to counteract the crazy. 

It doesn’t work.

I am super sensitive to caffeine and hormones and alcohol and all things addictive.

So, I am learning as I get older (and maybe sometimes wiser), that I don’t need to partake in those things often because they lead to crazy. I mean, there is nothing I can really do about the hormones. Those are coming every month, like it or not, watch out Tim.

I am also learning that I get anxious easily, so I am trying to find ways to calm that. I read this thing about high functioning anxiety and I was just like, wow. I may not have an actual anxiety disorder but I certainly have anxiety revolving around the desire to control my environment and if I don’t learn to calm it, it could become one, I suppose.

I guess I am trying to be more introspective to learn my triggers and understand what makes me react or get upset or whatnot so I can try to stop the foot in mouth disease that I have. 

And if I do have a negative reaction that was uncalled for, I am trying to go and apologize for it and say I handled it wrong and I was just frustrated/upset….label whatever the feeling was…both for me and for the other person. I know I cannot take back my words or my reaction, but I can at least own it and show that I see it and admit I could have handled it better. Hopefully I will be able to stop the reaction first the more I work on it…but I figure I have to start somewhere.

I hope this shows a healthy way to handle these types of things. I want to be a good example and teach the right way to deal with emotions. I am not perfect at it but I am at the point I want to try and to change and to be better, seeing that it’s not everybody else, it’s me. I’m in control.

Ugh coffee. Making me jittery and introspective all at the same time. You are so delicious….yet confusing!

buzzy bees

It has taken me 34 years to realize the reason why I have zero filter and just SAY what things are without any forethought…without thinking about how my words might affect someone…is because I didn’t grow up in a sharing all the things household. Maybe it was partly my personality, but we just weren’t as open about everything all the time.

When I first met Tim and was introduced to his family, it was like massive culture shock. I mean it didn’t matter what it was, everybody knew about it. I mean, hello my first Christmas there and my panties get eaten by the dog


Especially to Thee Who Never Talked About Things.

It took me a while to drop the curtain (nice post panty placement, no?). But once I did?


And then however long ago, my mom asked my to stop writing about my dad. I have no idea why. I probably should have just not told her about my blog and then I wouldn’t have been censored, but in the spirit of SHARING ALL THE THINGS, I wasn’t going to also hide what I was writing.

And then the atomic bomb that was spring 2015 happened and I censored myself.

And now here I am, totally bottled up.

Bottled up and wanting to SHARE ALL THE THINGS!!!!

(My phone keeps correcting bottled to bottles and I think it’s probably trying to tell me something about partaking in alcohol)

(Because why not?)

So, what can we share?…What can….oh! I know.

Let’s talk about moving.

Because that lovely activity is on the horizon and I am really just…moving is hard. Moving takes so much time and energy and it disrupts everything.

And regardless of where we end up this next time, it’s not the last time Tim will be asked to move. We just want to BE SOMEWHERE we don’t have to move anymore. 

We buy houses based on how they will resell. We find houses that don’t neee much, if any, work, because we don’t want to invest in a house we know we will leave. We want to invest in a house and do all the things we want to do, but we want to do that to a house where we will stay.

I’ve been thinking about moving again, and finding friends and all that. We didn’t do much of it where we are now, because I didn’t want moving to be any more upsetting than it already will be for Kellan. He doesn’t want to leave our house. He says he will miss it. I know moving will be tough for him. I also know that this next time, we will have to start school. 

We decided to home school him, partly to minimize the impact on future moves. But, I know we will need to get connected with a homeschool group wherever we go, which will force us to get involved and make friends and become more of a part of the community.

I think that will be a very good thing, though I also think it will also be a very difficult thing when we have to move again.

So, my thoughts really around this whole thing are not the logistics of it all. It is more trying to make the whole experience positive and not stressful. Like, I will need to chill out. Tim will need to chill out. Lots of things are not going to go as planned. There will be lots of messes and clutter and things to do and people to call and instead of getting all worked up and stressed and haired, we will just need to CHILL.

That is going to be hard.

Being chill is hard for me and for Tim and for Kellan. 

None of us are very good at keeping our chill.

We are the opposite.


I mean that’s not even exaggerating. All caps are required here because my brain goes to all caps and lots of exclamation points when it is stressed.

Really it’s just this on repeat:

There are no words. Just lots of noise. 

Buzzy bees as I like to call it. 

Somehow I have to silence those damn bees.

So, that’s my plan. 

I have no idea how I’m going to do it. I am just going to have to be mindful of what’s coming out of my mouth and how I’m feeling and try to just….yup. 



when you hitch your horse

Remember the other…week? Month? Whenever it was when I said I was just a punk kid, writing a blog, who knew nothing?

I’m learning the same goes for marriage.

Waaay long time ago I didn’t really…how do I say this? I mean grammar is purposely bad here so let’s not mess this part up….the whole vows thing. Words. They were just words that everyone says during a wedding. It was like a rite of passage. I mean who really sits themselves down to go through every vow and think it through to its inevitable completion?

No one. 

Because you can’t.

And I don’t even like to say can’t and we try to live the message that “can’t” isn’t a word we understand in our house, because there is always a solution to every problem…but for this particular thing, I’m going to say can’t.

Because you cannot possibly know what is going to happen over the years and down the path that will challenge and stretch and pull and tear those vows to their breaking point. There will be things that occur and words spoken and moments where you just want to throw in the towel because you. are. over. it. all.

Tim and I have had our share of all of those things. Big things and small things and repetitive things that aren’t even a big deal until they keep happening over and over and over again to the point they are the most exasperating thing in the history of ever OMG CAN YOU PLEASE JUST NOT WITH THE LEAVING THE THING ON THE COUNTER YOU DON’T WANT TO PUT AWAY BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT SO IT JUST SITS FOR ETERNITY COLLECTING DUST AND MOCKING ME UNTIL I MOVE IT…to a place we can no longer find it when we need it again three months later because where I stored it makes no sense because I don’t know where to f-ing put it either.

Those things. They’ll make you crazy if you don’t learn how to see the humor and laugh about it.

We have finally, mostly, made it to that point. Unless someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed and obvious jokes aren’t even funny, can you just stop it right now, can’t you see it’s not even funny, until the grouch decides to make a joke out of the clear blue sky and all of a sudden think they’re funny. Except now, by that point, the person who was initially making jokes is in a pissy mood because the grouch went and rained on their sunny picnic….

It never ends people. Marriage is the same for all of us. Why do you think the comedian’s bits are so funny?
Because we’ve alllllllll been there. We are allllll there, every single day. We all have had the same conversations and the same arguments and the same ridiculous fights over the pettiest things. Over and over again.

The difference, I am slowly learning, is not not let all of the small things eat you up and build up and to deal with the things bothering you, even if you think it’s easier to just keep your mouth shut.

It isn’t.

You may think that’s the best way, but it’s really the worst way. You’ll fill up with resentment and lash out at seemingly unrelated things because the other person has no freaking clue that they are making you crazy (I don’t know how they don’t know, but trust me, they don’t know unless you actually tell them in plain English).

It means not walking out on a heated conversation even though you have zero desire to participate. 

It means you actually laugh – finally – when the other person makes a valid point during an argument in a funny way. You both laugh and you both are done. You kiss and make up and no one holds onto anything after it’s done, because it’s done.

We will be married ten years this year. And it has taken me that long to figure out some of this stuff. To let go. To understand what all of those vows really mean when they are put into practice.

If you’re going to decide to hitch your horses to the same wagon, then it’s for the whole ride. No one gets to cut loose and go around the river or rocky trail and leave the other to maneuver through the difficult part on their own. You go through it together. Side by side. Leaving all your shit behind you. You pull your wagon and you grumble at each other but you keep moving forward at the same pace.

That’s when the magic happens, because that’s when you learn the most about yourself, about your partner, and about how to get through the rough spots together in order to come out on the other side stronger and closer to each other. You trust each other more. You learn each other’s strengths and weak spots. You learn how to keep the other person going when they don’t think they can take another step.

So, if you aren’t married, small tidbit of advice: you better decide now if you enjoy spending all of your time with your horse – especially during the bad and boring parts – and you really better like your wagon, because it’s coming with you every step of the way.

this is where you ask those burning questions

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