Posts Tagged 'love'

my mom purpose

Ok so, I AM 34. And when I turned 34, Tim was all, “You’re the age I was when we met!”

Man. I never even thought of that.

But still. 34. 

Wow.

Thirty. Four.

Can you tell I’m shocked?

I am not at all where I thought I’d be…but honestly I don’t even know where that was supposed to be, anyway. Partly because since having Kellan, I kind of stopped thinking about long term goals other than being the best mom I can be. Granted, that looks different for everyone, but that’s all I really thought about and strived for on a daily basis since then.

I mean, I do have things I would like to accomplish, but I haven’t put those things above being a mom.

Maybe that’s good. Maybe it’s not. But it is what it is. And I’m totally okay with that. I am 100% all in when it comes to helping Kellan achieve his goals and dreams…and man does he have big dreams. How an almost five year old can be so sure of what he wants to do is beyond me. I don’t remember having that much drive and determination at that age…but he has it and we are all doing what we can to help him get there. Make it. BE who he dreams to be.

That’s my purpose. And I love it.

Maybe that’s it for me, I don’t know. My whole purpose revolves around helping someone else succeed. It seems ridiculous but it’s honestly such a fulfilling and absolutely heart exploding feeling when something happens that shows the fruits of everyone’s labor.

But really the look on his face…how proud he is…that’s what I live for. It’s worth every hard day, every struggle, every tear. Every encouraging word and every hug when things don’t go exactly the way he hopes they will. None of those are easy …it may even be harder for me than it is for him…but it’s what makes success so much sweeter…those moments where tears are welling in my eyes when I get to watch him reap the reward that is finally earned…that took a lot of hard work and time and patience and everything in between.

I live for those moments. Past, present, future. Every single one of those moments. I will forever be his biggest fan, his loudest, most annoying cheerleader, his confidant any time he needs one. I’m always in his corner, ready to give a pep talk or a listening ear or a hug – whatever is needed at that particular time.

This part of mom-ing is fun. 

It’s amazing.

I love it.

I was not totally prepared for this part

Okay…so why did no one warn me about the part where Kellan grows up???????

 I mean yes, duh

But…okay see, when babies are babies, you are their entire universe. You are the one who can make them smile and laugh the most. You are the one they look to and turn to and cling to. You. And you hold that wonderful position as the love of their life, their everything, for a little while. 

Until….you don’t.

I’m not saying we are there yet, but I am seeing that we are transitioning. 

This morning, he didn’t want to tell me why a character on this lego friends show was his favorite (they are all girls and all friends  and that’s really all I know). After some gentle prodding, he finally tells me because he likes her skin color and shoe color and hair color and outfit.

So, you think she is pretty?

Yah.

INSERT SCREAMING ON THE INSIDE BECAUSE IT STARTS THIS EARLY?!!!!?!!!!

I told him that that was totally normal and okay. I told him he shouldn’t ever be embarrassed (because that’s how it came across) to tell me or daddy anything. 

I asked why he was hesitant to tell me and he said it was because I would say, “Why do you like her shoes or why do you like her hair and I don’t know why.”

INSERT MORE INTERNAL SCREAMING HOW AM I ALREADY A NAGGING MOM TO HIM?!?!

So, yah. That all happened today. And it’s making me kind of look internally to see if somehow I am silently emoting that being vocal about liking how someone looks or liking their outfit or whatever is taboo. I am wondering if I should start openly complimenting people in front of Kellan to show him that it is okay to like and be open about someone’s shoes or thinking they have pretty eyes or whatever.

Is that what I’m supposed to do??  I am in new territory and struggling. I do not want him to feel embarrassed to talk about stuff and I also know that all the things I do not say speaks louder than the things I do say.

How are we already here?! 

I don’t feel like Tim will ever totally get it because he has never been the whole universe to Kellan the same way I have. He’s a boy. Kellan is a boy. They are boys. If we had a girl, I think it would hit home a little more for him because when she starting liking boys or talking about appearances I am sure he’d be like WHOAAAAA NOW. HOLD UP.

It’s actually hard for me right now, seeing him change like this. I’m glad he’s maturing and more responsible and, well, growing up, but it is hard to know and to see that soon I will be annoying to him. That I won’t be the whole world. I’ll be ugh, mooooom!

Maybe not always, but definitely at times.

Now that he can read, I barely get to read to him anymore….when we used to sit together and read books for hours. Now, if he’s reading to himself and I ask if he wants me to read to him, he just looks up and asks if he can keep reading like he is….to himself.

He’s purposefully matching his clothes…without Tim or me encouraging it. It’s just what he wants to do instead of wearing completely mismatched everything. He’s even starting to wear two of the same shoes. The only mismatched thing that has remained are his socks…and I will be so sad to see that go….

He is growing up so fast. Right before my eyes. It makes me teary to see it and to acknowledge it. Not in a bad way, more in a nostalgic, I see why people have lots of kids way. 

It’s hard….watching them grow up and needing you less and less. I mean, I’m being semi-dramatic here because he’s only five.

But he was just two.

And before that he was just born.

Soon he’ll be ten….and the years will just climb higher and higher.

On one hand, I cannot wait to see who he becomes and what his passions lead to. On the other….I’ll forever cherish and hold close to my heart all of the moments when I was his whole world. When he gave me the “love look” instead of the sass one.

I know there will still be times when I get those looks, but they will be rare…though when they happen, they will mean more than he will ever know.

buzzy bees

It has taken me 34 years to realize the reason why I have zero filter and just SAY what things are without any forethought…without thinking about how my words might affect someone…is because I didn’t grow up in a sharing all the things household. Maybe it was partly my personality, but we just weren’t as open about everything all the time.

When I first met Tim and was introduced to his family, it was like massive culture shock. I mean it didn’t matter what it was, everybody knew about it. I mean, hello my first Christmas there and my panties get eaten by the dog

Mortifying.

Especially to Thee Who Never Talked About Things.

It took me a while to drop the curtain (nice post panty placement, no?). But once I did?

LET’S SHARE ALL THE THINGS!!!!

And then however long ago, my mom asked my to stop writing about my dad. I have no idea why. I probably should have just not told her about my blog and then I wouldn’t have been censored, but in the spirit of SHARING ALL THE THINGS, I wasn’t going to also hide what I was writing.

And then the atomic bomb that was spring 2015 happened and I censored myself.

And now here I am, totally bottled up.

Bottled up and wanting to SHARE ALL THE THINGS!!!!

(My phone keeps correcting bottled to bottles and I think it’s probably trying to tell me something about partaking in alcohol)

(Because why not?)

So, what can we share?…What can….oh! I know.

Let’s talk about moving.

Because that lovely activity is on the horizon and I am really just…moving is hard. Moving takes so much time and energy and it disrupts everything.

And regardless of where we end up this next time, it’s not the last time Tim will be asked to move. We just want to BE SOMEWHERE we don’t have to move anymore. 

We buy houses based on how they will resell. We find houses that don’t neee much, if any, work, because we don’t want to invest in a house we know we will leave. We want to invest in a house and do all the things we want to do, but we want to do that to a house where we will stay.

I’ve been thinking about moving again, and finding friends and all that. We didn’t do much of it where we are now, because I didn’t want moving to be any more upsetting than it already will be for Kellan. He doesn’t want to leave our house. He says he will miss it. I know moving will be tough for him. I also know that this next time, we will have to start school. 

We decided to home school him, partly to minimize the impact on future moves. But, I know we will need to get connected with a homeschool group wherever we go, which will force us to get involved and make friends and become more of a part of the community.

I think that will be a very good thing, though I also think it will also be a very difficult thing when we have to move again.

So, my thoughts really around this whole thing are not the logistics of it all. It is more trying to make the whole experience positive and not stressful. Like, I will need to chill out. Tim will need to chill out. Lots of things are not going to go as planned. There will be lots of messes and clutter and things to do and people to call and instead of getting all worked up and stressed and haired, we will just need to CHILL.

That is going to be hard.

Being chill is hard for me and for Tim and for Kellan. 

None of us are very good at keeping our chill.

We are the opposite.

We are ZOMG THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO I STILL HAVE TO CALL THE ELECTRICIAN AND CANCEL THIS BILL AND WHERE IS THE LIST OF STUFF TO DO WHY IS THE HOUSE A MESS WE HAVE TO KEEP IT STAGED HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIND A RENTAL HOME WILL IT HAVE A WASHER AND DRYER WAIT ARE WE KEEPING OURS? OH THEY’RE NEGOTIABLE…OUR HOUSE NEEDS TO SELL FAST WHY HASN’T THE AGENT CALLED ME WHERE EVEN IS MY PHONE?

I mean that’s not even exaggerating. All caps are required here because my brain goes to all caps and lots of exclamation points when it is stressed.

Really it’s just this on repeat:
 !!!!!!!!?!!!&$!!!!!!@&$$!!?!!!!!!!!!?!!!??!!!!

There are no words. Just lots of noise. 

Buzzy bees as I like to call it. 

Somehow I have to silence those damn bees.

So, that’s my plan. 

I have no idea how I’m going to do it. I am just going to have to be mindful of what’s coming out of my mouth and how I’m feeling and try to just….yup. 

YOOOOOOOU GUESSED IT.

CHILL

little things about moi

It’s been so long….I’ll bet you don’t even know who I am anymore! So, I’ll tell you…kind of. In a stream of consciousness kind of way….

I recently chopped off all my hair. Well, not all...it’s basically right above my shoulders now. It’s always been super long…well, not always. I have cut it short a few times before…but it’s been a long while. When I first got it cut Tim was like ehhhhhhhhiiiiiiii???…. that’s….. different? But after a day or so he said he liked it…then kept saying he liked it over and over…so I guess he was trying to let me know he was over the shock.

I really like Green & Black milk chocolate and ghiradellli 60% cocoa chocolate chips. Those are the two I’ve found where I like the flavor the best. I’m sure there is better chocolate…but that’s what I’ve discovered thus far.

My love for sleep is…no. It’s more of a need. I need sleep. I am grumpy when I don’t get my sleep. And news flash to myself: mom’s don’t ever get enough sleep. It’s a constant battle.

The lock screen on my phone is this.  It helps me remember not to be grumpy. I found it on Pinterest.

I have found I really enjoy being a mom and I don’t really enjoy reading all the sarcastic and negative things moms and dads say about parenting. I get they are trying to be funny usually…and I’m even guilty of it…but since I now fully understand what a blessing it is to have healthy children, I do not take any moment, even the frustrating ones, for granted. I try really hard to step back and bite my tongue and change my mindset and tone if I hear myself getting upset about trivial things.

I wish I had more friends? I have some, but they live far away. And I have one here where we live now, but it would be nice to have a village. I hope that we can stop having to move all over the place and get some stability and build a village. I grew up in a village and I still have friends from that village and I think it’s nice.

Speaking of friends, I am friends with a lot of people from all phases of my life on Facebook…and when I see what some of their interests are, it makes me wish I had gotten to know them better. I think we probably would have had a lot in common and made some fun memories and keep in touch even now, versus only through Facebook.

Actually, I don’t even post on Facebook anymore because there is a HUGE…well, multiple HUGE parts of my life that I either do not or cannot share, due to family drama issues. I mean, part of me is kind of at the point where I’m just like…who even cares or needs to know about our daily life? We are pretty boring people, really. Once I stopped posting things, I also stopped having the mindset of, “we need to capture this so I can post it!” Now, we capture memories for us and not to put on display. I didn’t even realize I had become that way until I stopped, so I think that’s a healthier way to live, honestly.

I would really like to have a big garden and also honey bees…and chickens for eggs. I am not very good with plants, so a garden will be a big challenge for me, but I am determined to turn my thumb green!

If I could go back to school, I would study the weather. Get an atmospheric science degree. Weather absolutely fascinates me. I would love to be able to forecast and predict severe weather and all of that. Tim informed me it required a lot of math, and I don’t get along well with math, and so I looked it up and everything I read basically said, “TAKE AS MUCH MATH AND PHYSICS AS POSSIBLE!” And so that dream died a little…but I would still like to learn. It may stretch my brain in ways it didn’t know could be stretched, but that’s okay. It’s all part of growing…right?

I have gotten pretty okay at cooking. Baking is not really my forté because I don’t really measure ingredients, but I can make dinner…and I can come up with mixes of seasonings and spices that work well. I can open the fridge and see what we have and come up with a meal. It didn’t used to be that way. Before I had to have a recipe and all of the ingredients or it wasn’t happening. Now I can have a recipe or not or all of the ingredients or not and still make a meal.

I like being tall. I’m 5’10. I’ll take it.

I wish someone would teach me how to put on makeup. I mostly taught myself and I can manage not looking like a clown but I would love for someone to show me how to make your eye makeup look so pretty where your eyes pop. I’ve watched tutorials and all but I guess I need hands on learning.

I like having counters clear of clutter. This is also a thing that doesn’t exist when you are a mom to small children. It’s like they see a clear counter and think, “A perfect space for all my stuff!!!!” And so the counter is clutter free for maybe five minutes.

I would like to see the Great Wall of China. The Aurora Borealis. The cherry blossoms in Japan. Rome. Easter Island. Greece. The Alps. New Zealand……all of the US national parks……The list goes on but my timer is up.

So, that’s me. Part of me? Things about me?

Welcome to the randomness of my brain.

when you hitch your horse

Remember the other…week? Month? Whenever it was when I said I was just a punk kid, writing a blog, who knew nothing?

I’m learning the same goes for marriage.

Waaay long time ago I didn’t really…how do I say this? I mean grammar is purposely bad here so let’s not mess this part up….the whole vows thing. Words. They were just words that everyone says during a wedding. It was like a rite of passage. I mean who really sits themselves down to go through every vow and think it through to its inevitable completion?

No one. 

Because you can’t.

And I don’t even like to say can’t and we try to live the message that “can’t” isn’t a word we understand in our house, because there is always a solution to every problem…but for this particular thing, I’m going to say can’t.

Because you cannot possibly know what is going to happen over the years and down the path that will challenge and stretch and pull and tear those vows to their breaking point. There will be things that occur and words spoken and moments where you just want to throw in the towel because you. are. over. it. all.

Tim and I have had our share of all of those things. Big things and small things and repetitive things that aren’t even a big deal until they keep happening over and over and over again to the point they are the most exasperating thing in the history of ever OMG CAN YOU PLEASE JUST NOT WITH THE LEAVING THE THING ON THE COUNTER YOU DON’T WANT TO PUT AWAY BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE TO PUT IT SO IT JUST SITS FOR ETERNITY COLLECTING DUST AND MOCKING ME UNTIL I MOVE IT…to a place we can no longer find it when we need it again three months later because where I stored it makes no sense because I don’t know where to f-ing put it either.

Those things. They’ll make you crazy if you don’t learn how to see the humor and laugh about it.

We have finally, mostly, made it to that point. Unless someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed and obvious jokes aren’t even funny, can you just stop it right now, can’t you see it’s not even funny, until the grouch decides to make a joke out of the clear blue sky and all of a sudden think they’re funny. Except now, by that point, the person who was initially making jokes is in a pissy mood because the grouch went and rained on their sunny picnic….

It never ends people. Marriage is the same for all of us. Why do you think the comedian’s bits are so funny?
Because we’ve alllllllll been there. We are allllll there, every single day. We all have had the same conversations and the same arguments and the same ridiculous fights over the pettiest things. Over and over again.

The difference, I am slowly learning, is not not let all of the small things eat you up and build up and to deal with the things bothering you, even if you think it’s easier to just keep your mouth shut.

It isn’t.

You may think that’s the best way, but it’s really the worst way. You’ll fill up with resentment and lash out at seemingly unrelated things because the other person has no freaking clue that they are making you crazy (I don’t know how they don’t know, but trust me, they don’t know unless you actually tell them in plain English).

It means not walking out on a heated conversation even though you have zero desire to participate. 

It means you actually laugh – finally – when the other person makes a valid point during an argument in a funny way. You both laugh and you both are done. You kiss and make up and no one holds onto anything after it’s done, because it’s done.

We will be married ten years this year. And it has taken me that long to figure out some of this stuff. To let go. To understand what all of those vows really mean when they are put into practice.

If you’re going to decide to hitch your horses to the same wagon, then it’s for the whole ride. No one gets to cut loose and go around the river or rocky trail and leave the other to maneuver through the difficult part on their own. You go through it together. Side by side. Leaving all your shit behind you. You pull your wagon and you grumble at each other but you keep moving forward at the same pace.

That’s when the magic happens, because that’s when you learn the most about yourself, about your partner, and about how to get through the rough spots together in order to come out on the other side stronger and closer to each other. You trust each other more. You learn each other’s strengths and weak spots. You learn how to keep the other person going when they don’t think they can take another step.

So, if you aren’t married, small tidbit of advice: you better decide now if you enjoy spending all of your time with your horse – especially during the bad and boring parts – and you really better like your wagon, because it’s coming with you every step of the way.

it’s not what i thought it was

Tim and I went back and read through a bunch of my old blogs….man I was a know nothing punk kid! Legit what in the world? No words…I mean I guess it’s all a process but I really thought I was something, huh?

I know better now. I have no idea what I’m doing and I have no problem admitting that. 

Kids will do that to you. Bring you to your breaking point and then a second later make you laugh. You realize that nothing is really as big of a deal as you thought. Life really isn’t that serious and those things I thought were super important? Like OMG I need to match and I have to have makeup on always and if I’m going to send out a letter you better be damn well sure that stamp is 100% straight (sorry Mase…all those wedding RSVP envelopes you spent hours on…now that I think about it, as hell bent as I was on making sure you made sure the stamps were perfect becauussse…..they were coming right back to me? I mean really, self. Did I even care about the placement of the stamps? No. No I did not.)

All those things…are they really soooooooooooooooo serious??

No.

They’re not.

And when I read back through some of the things that mortified me?

Hysterical.

All the things I thought I was going to be and do after having Kellan??

Bwahahahahahhahahaha

None of it happened. Not a one.

Also? Having kids means F makeup and cute outfits. Did I shower? Are my clothes clean? Double check? 

Then we are having ourselves an excellent day.

So, back to whatever I was saying….oh! …I’m realizing now that wisdom is really learning to be comfortable with your “plans” never working out. Wisdom is letting go. Not allowing silly, trivial things to ruin a day. Being okay with  being present in the moment instead of trying to plan the next one. Saying what you think instead of being worried about what someone might think of what you have to say.

Wisdom.

It’s not what I thought it meant when I was a punk kid. It is not knowing everything.

It’s realizing that you know nothing.

I mean of course we all know stuff. That isn’t the point of wisdom. It’s more than that. A wise person…they understand. I don’t think I’m far enough in my wiseness to properly explain…

Anyhow. What I have realized is important are family and friends. We are sorely lacking in that department.

Sorely lacking.

So much family drama has left that circle really small. I keep having dreams of reconciliation – probably because I know how much everyone is missing.

I purposely have no spoken to or allowed my dad into my life for….probably a little over 7 years? We didn’t even give him our address when we moved. There are a myriad of reasons…but it boils down to how I was treated growing up and his life choices and me not wanting that kind of influence on any children Tim and I had. Not during the formative years.

…so he got my address over Christmas because I had to send one of my brother’s Christmas gifts there and I didn’t really think about our address being on the box.

Guess I should have known better.

One that it would be there and two that’d he’d find it.

He sent me a birthday card. 

First one in years.

I was just like….welp. Here we go again.

Part of me feels like I should respond? But the other part of me doesn’t want to open any doors or windows or cracks of any kind.

Then the wisdom comes in my brain. Not that it’s telling me I should be 100% on board with reconciling, but it does say that I should clear the air. Say what I mean and be honest. Whether or not he agrees or cares or does anything about it has nothing to do with me. I can’t change anyone, nor should I try. I should just be honest and then let things fall where they may.

I feel like that is what Tim and I both need to do with our respective family issues.

Clear the air.

Be honest.

And then whatever happens…happens. I really do not think we will be any better or worse off than we are now. 

It will just be as it should. Whatever that means.

Wisdom tells me that 

Let go. 

Say what you mean.

Be present with the ones you love.

I’m totally rambling and need to just stop because where was I even going with this?

I have no idea. I’m wise enough to admit that.

(See how I kind of went full circle? Maybe 3/4 circle?)

(I crack myself up sometimes)

change is…well it really *should* be simple. 

Marriage is a pain in the ass. Honestly. What other arrangement challenges you more than marriage? Mutually. Individually. Mentally. Emotionally. Every way.

I’m not saying this is bad. I’m saying no one really warns you about all of this personal growth you’re going to have to endure…suffer through. Argue about. Bicker. Nag. Complain. Lament.

We fight change so hard. Why?

Is it really so bad to change?

No. No it’s not.

But we drag. it. out. We resist and try to come up with allllllllllll the reasons why they’re wrong and you’re right.

Who really cares though? Why do we care so much? It’s like changing – or evolving – a part of yourself that isn’t really that commendable in the first place…something you wanted to change anyway…it’s like if our significant other calls us out on it, we dig in our heels and decide they are the ones with the problem.

I mean really. Come on. At the end of the day, if you are a kinder, more well rounded person, isn’t that a win for everybody?

I’m super guilty of this. Suuuuuuper guilty. I’m not ashamed or afraid to admit it. Well, admitting it to the person who called me out, aka Tim, that’s probably never going to be easy, but I’m trying to put on my brave pants and just do it. 

In the heat of the moment, I may have plenty of words to defend myself, but deep down it’s really just a facade. Of course when I have a minute to reflect I’ll be all, “Yup. That’s me and that’s definitely not A+ behavior. Really more like C- and I don’t do C-.”

I think being more aware of my resistance and admitting to it, be it right then or three weeks later, is a step in the shiny happy person direction. I’m not perfect and I know that I do plenty that isn’t star quality marriage material. I may not be able to totally wipe the slate but I can at least make concerted efforts to have the other half of the union happy and feeling good about the Status of Us instead of sometimes feeling like it’s us against each other.

All of this reflection came from a major purge over the weekend. We donated so many books…seven boxes of books…and along with all of books were all of our college binders and notes. Among some of my notes I found this “life plan” list I made. On this list included things I wanted in a person I married. 

That freaking list was freaking long. Two pages of college ruled paper long.

It had everything from being romantic to making me laugh to being “brutally honest” and being randomly spontaneous and liking sports and outdoor stuff. It had it all. Where I found the time to think up all of that…I have no idea.

I read the list to Tim to ask him if he thought he fit the various things I wrote down. By the end he was (joking) like,”Welp. I’m at about 50%…sooooo yah. There’s that.”

Then he asked me to answer the same things for myself. If I thought I did any of the things I was desiring of someone else. And you’d think since I wanted those things, then I should also reciprocate, right? It’s only fair.

I looked right at him and said (in a semi-joking way), “I don’t do any of these. I’m not a nice person, remember?”

But the truth of it is that I rarely do any of the things on my own damn list. I do and am some of them, but on the whole…not so much. I’m pretty short tempered and get annoyed easily and as he put it once, “a real peach.” 

And he didn’t mean above sweet one if you catch my drift.

Even though I could list a myriad of reasons why, the truth is exactly what I said to him layer on:

Regardless of how I’m feeling, there’s no excuse for being mean.

And I’m right.

(See what I did there? I can’t even with myself…I’m a mess….and cracking up…)


this is where you ask those burning questions

Enter your email address to follow booshy and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 1,431 other followers

OR follow booshy with feed burner

my past…it happened

clever girls

stealing is not nice