Posts Tagged 'friends'

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it's not you. It was me.


this is what you’ve been missing

the picky eater vs the foodie

The keeping room

I am *that* mom

missed the turn, he did

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I am not sure if it the impending holiday season that is upon us or something else that I can’t quite put my finger on, but I’m feeling….lonely. And that’s weird for me.

When Tim and I first moved to Colorado in 2010, I had zero friends until Kellan was born, which was February 2012. Zero. And I was fine. I was at the gym a lot and saw the same people almost every day, so maybe that felt like having friends? I don’t know.

But now….I keep having dreams of being in our old town in Colorado and being REALLY EXCITED about going grocery shopping. I mean, excited like a kid on Christmas Eve. It is so strange. Sure, we have grocery stores in Arkansas, but it’s not the same. The selection is terrible. The store choices are exactly two…three if we drive an hour…but I mean, I can deal with this being the reality for a few years. But why am I dreaming about grocery shopping? I have never dreamt about grocery shopping in my entire life.

And why am I feeling lonely?

I admit, I am pretty bummed that we don’t even have the option of sharing any holiday anything with anyone here -party, get together, play date, dinner, etc. It has been a real struggle to make any friends. At least in Colorado, we had the option of doing fun things with friends.

I am thankful – September edition

And we are just plugging along, here…..the most adorable thing happened on the last day of the month, by the way. Also, I didn’t have time to grammar and spell/autocorrect check, so I apologize for the errors that probably exist.

September 1: Hanging a million pictures. I mean, I may have to have a whole week of being thankful once the very last picture is up. This is a process, let me tell you.

September 2: being Kellan’s mom. He’s such a joy and light in my life. Also….randomly coming across an explanation of the “peace that passes understanding” and finally actually comprehending what it means. We used to sing a song in church as a kid with that phrase in it and I never really thought about it, I guess….but tonight! It came to me at the perfect moment. And I get it. And it makes me feel so much calmer inside. Less bothered…not at all bothered, really…by external things and people who can easily get under my skin.

September 3: Finding another dentist for Kellan that we like much better/are more comfortable with.

September 4: We survived the allergist appointment. And by survived I mean did really, really well. AND had a negative skin test to peanut butter! Phase 1 of 3 for no peanut allergy passed!

September 5: Officially a freelance writer for our local newspaper!!

September 6: After having an over the top, ridiculous argument about nothing important, after maybe 39 minutes, I went up to Tim and said, “We have been married way too long for this to be an issue.” And laughed and gave him a hug. We both apologized and it was over and done. A few years ago, we would have sulked all weekend. That’s definitely growth of some kind, I think, and thankful to be able to just see it for what it was, apologize, and move on. Married 7 years on Monday!

September 7: Spending enough money by SEVENTEEN DOLLARS to get our credit card reward thing we signed up for six months ago. We had to spend X amount of money every month for six months, and August was the last month and we barely made it over the threshold. It would have really ruined our day had we missed the requirement spending amount on the last month! It seems really silly to be thankful for money…but I mean, half a year of watching the credit card to get a reward at the end and missing it by thismuch would have been really upsetting. Let’s be honest.

September 8: Surviving a really not pleasant dentist experience with Kellan. I’m scarred for life, I think, but we made it and I kept it together for him versus totally losing it in tears. Also, making it to seven years of marriage with my BFF!

September 9: I stepped on the couch while the “pokies” (aka car deterrents) were still on and Tim was like, “Ouch! Stepping on the pokies?” And I was all, “I’m fine.” Then? Kellan starts trying to take them all off, saying “No! Don’t step on the pokies, mommy!” It was really sweet. I think this was the first time he has been outwardly and obviously protective of me/my feelings/well being. Melted me.

September 10: me recognizing my attitude and apologizing for it….and then, again, hearing myself say something in a mean way and in the middle of my words saying sorry and trying again.

September 11: Kellan went into the yard and picked a tiny flower and ran over to me with a huge smile and said, “this is for you, mommy!” This was the first time that I can recall him doing this without prompting by anyone. It was heart melting. He also has been really willing to help clean up his messes or just help when I ask, which is really mind blowing to me, because for a long time, it’s like he was all about RESISTANCE! Oh, and his blood test for peanuts came back negative! Yay!

September 12: Total random act of kindness when the guy at the John Deere store checkout gave Kellan a hat. Completely unexpected and so sweet. If I take nothing else from our Arkansas experience, it will be how genuinely nice everyone has been.

September 13: COOL FALL-LIKE WEATHER AND A TRIP TO AN OUTDOOR ACTIVITY!!!!!! (Nature center). can you tell I’m over summer?

September 14: When clearing out a REALLY old woodpile in the yard from who knows how long ago, Kellan asked Tim why he was taking the dirt/leaves/etc left after all the wood pieces were gone and Tim goes, “Always do your best work whenever you do a job.” I mean, we all know that cutting corners is way easier in the moment, but it always comes back to bite you in the butt. Tim, however, does it right the first go, 99.9% of the time, even if it takes a million times longer. *However* it never comes up as an issue again. And even though the taking a million times longer sometimes makes me crazy, I’m very thankful he puts in the extra effort and is such a good example to Kellan – and me – as to why you don’t half ass your way through anything.

September 15: Tim coming downstairs after taking a shower in non-work clothes. It’s rare he’s even home at a reasonable hour these days during the week.

September 16: this video:

It actually really bothers me that I am so…dependent?…on “the internet” when I know I can survive just fine without it. At least the social media aspect. I have been wanting to trim down my social media accounts and really change my habits when it comes to checking email/twitter/Instagram/Facebook/etc. It isn’t healthy and it is not a good example for Kellan. I think this video may have been the straw to break the proverbial camel’s back. Facebook will be the first to go. My plan is to just have this blog, and maybe Instagram, nothing more. Well, twitter, too, but mostly just for weather information, since I seem to be able to find out what is going on faster there than anywhere else….SIGH. It’s a slippery slope, isn’t it? Wish me luck.

September 17: the chance to write a story that will be on the front page of the newspaper AND getting set up to visit the fair before it is open to the public for a different story about an exotic animal petting zoo…and Kellan gets to come! Think camels and zebras and emus!

September 18: Nice post-dinner outside time. The weather was perfect and Kellan has a blast. This is night two in a row where we went outside after dinner and it was so relaxing and fun.

September 19: Kellan surviving his first carnival ride. Actually, all of us surviving, because it was not at all what any of us expected. Poor Kellan. He was being so brave…and then the Lightning McQueen car whipped around the curve and his head almost didn’t make it around with his body. Suffice it to say, we got the guy to stop the ride ASAP and got him off. First time we put Kellan in a situation and he thought it would be ok and it wasn’t. Learning and growing experience for all of us. Thankful Kellan survived without any real injuries and we all survived this parenting first.

September 20: Kellan going to bed/falling asleep without much of a fuss after I told him I needed sleep because I wasn’t feeling well. He is really starting to develop empathy, and it is really amazing to watch.

September 21: we went outside for a little but in the evening and I had on a pair of nap socks (super fuzzy socks) over a pair of regular below-ankle type socks (my feet are always cold inside. I blame the wood and tile floors). I took the fuzzy socks off while sitting on the driveway and Kellan picked them up and threw them into the bushes. I asked him to go pick them up and he instead ran the other direction down the driveway (hello, testing toddler). At that same point, Tim had to go inside for something and he took the socks with him. I told Kellan that that was really nice and he should say thank you when Tim/daddy came back out. I had kind of forgotten I had said that until a few minutes later. Tim walked back outside and the first thing out of Kellan’s mouth? “Thank you for bringing the socks inside for me, daddy.” WOW. He does listen. And wow. Just…every day he amazes me in ways I never expect.

September 22: I’ve probably said this already, at some point, but I REALLY LOVE our neighborhood. It’s so unique. It’s not color cutter. It has an amazing feel. I can’t even describe it. It feels like it has been loved for a very long time and gives that love back to you as you’re walking down the street, admiring everyone’s house and yard and unique touches they added to make their house a home. I love it so much. This is how I want to feel in our forever home, wherever that will be.

September 23: Another day. Life is so
precious. I am so grateful to live it.

September 24: recognizing that I really just do not handle stress well. At all. Isn’t this the first step?

September 25: Randomly happening upon this quote: “The things you take for granted someone else is praying for.” No idea who said this, but a really good reminder, because it’s the absolute truth.

September 26: Seeing the relationship blossoming and growing between Tim and Kellan. It is less “mommy all the time” and more “mommy, leave.” Harsh but also good.

September 27: Peace of mind. Also known as an underground tornado shelter.

September 28: While Tim and I were making dinner, Kellan was playing in his little play area off the kitchen. He had gotten out this farm set with a barn and animals, etc. A few minutes later, I looked over to check on him and he was finishing putting it all away in its bin, all on his own. I was so proud. I went over and told him how proud I was and how that was such a big boy thing to do and gave him a big hug. I don’t know what prompted him to do this, because he leaves messes a lot, but this moment did show me that he is learning and trying really hard. Makes my heart smile.

September 29: how well Kellan can – and will – entertain himself. Sometimes I feel like I should be right there, too, playing with him, but I try to keep my distance and only join when asked. It’s incredible how he has developed this wonderful imagination, seemingly all on his own.

September 30: experiencing the most adorable grocery shopping trip of my life. When Kellan and I got to the grocery store, he went over to the little carts for kids and started pulling them out. I asked if he wanted one and he said yes. He’s gone over before but has always said no. He pushed that little cart through the whole store, filling it up with everything he wanted….and he was so proud of himself. It was something I hope I never, ever forget. If you’re curious, his cart had pomegranates, lemons, pears, apples, carrots, broccoli, parsnips, asparagus, tomatoes, grapes, cheese, yogurt, and then some boxed stuff (brown sugar and powdered sugar, Graham bunnies, etc).



don’t aim to please. aim to write

I saw something the other day about how you (proverbial you) need to stop writing for likes or views or stats or whatever. Write to a person. Write for yourself. Don’t aim to please. Aim to write (I just made that last part up actually…).

I used to write for comments. The horror! I mean, let’s be honest. Comments are fun. They make you feel like someone else is actually listening.

And then, one day, I decided to stop obsessing. I decided I didn’t really care about comments. Or blog views. I really just wanted to write, so that’s what I do, now. Write when I feel like it. Or when I really want to share something. Or express myself.

It makes writing more fun and less stressful because I’m not wondering if someone I don’t even know will like what I am saying. *I* like what I’m saying, and that is enough for me, now. If you can also identify with me, that’s an awesome, added bonus.

For whatever reason, I have never been *that person* who seems to attract a lot of readers/followers/attention/likes/friends. This used to really bother me, because I felt like I was just as good a writer – if not better, to be honest – than X blogger or Y instagrammer. Why wasn’t I interesting? Follow worthy?

Then I decided that maybe I am more like a cult following kind of person. A few diehard, loyal fans, versus a watered down, mainstream person with wishy-washy readers.

And after thinking about that, do you know what I realized?

I preferred the loyalty – YOUR loyalty -over the masses.

Fun news for you – I still want to write a book. I have so much to say….that I have never said here….there is so much you don’t know…and I want to say it all at one time. In a different format than a blog post, obviously.

One day…I hope. It’s a long term goal. Even if no one ever reads it. Even if I am never officially published, at least I can say I did it; I completed my goal.

can the 451 people please stand up?

So, hi. I feel like I pretty much write to myself, save the few who regularly read/comment (you know who you are). Except, here’s the thing:


Or, maybe let me say this a nicer way. Can you all (that means you) please take a minute to say hello and introduce yourself? Tell me about your blog(s)? I’d kind of like to get to know you, since you’re getting to know everything about me. It’s only polite fair….

Then you can go back to lurking status.


And here’s a carrot….my actual, just taken a few weeks ago drivers license picture (which you have already seen if you follow me on Instagram – Jessica bold).


I am thankful – July edition.

Wow! I’m almost halfway through the year of thankfulness.

I’m not entirely sure it has actually changed me in any way, to be honest, but I’m going to keep it up nonetheless. Maybe I’ll have an epiphany or something.

So, July. It started in Colorado and continues in Arkansas.

July 1: survived day one of getting packed to move to Arkansas.

July 2: seeing our friends one last time. So happy everyone was able to make it! We will miss them so much!

July 3: safe leg 1 of the move and the random texting comment at bedtime from Tim about his being medium rare by morning because his room in the cabin was a sweat box. It literally made me (and subsequently, Kellan) laugh for ten minutes….at bedtime. It was hysterical.

July 4: a safe and loooooong travel
day from Colorado to Wichita, KS. I mean, even though the hotel we stayed in was awesome (welcome bag for the dogs with a blanket, frisbee, treats, and poo bags, and a really nice paved path around two ponds to walk the dogs). We were all feeling the stress of the long day. Kellan managed to get to the cats temporary litter box and chuck a few handfuls of litter all over the place (side note: gross!!!!). When we realized what was happening, Tim jumped up and stared him down and Kellan immediately took his two big handfuls and just tossed them like, “Haha. See what I can do!” Oh, the trying threes have already begun. Bonus – we brought a bottle of wine for the trip. And we’re drinking it. After the litter incident, I walked out into the living area at the tail end of Tim filling his glass to the brim. Me too, honey. Fill ‘er up. One day this moment will be funny. I’m thankful to be able to see that.

July 5: safe FINAL travel day to our temporary apartment destination in Arkansas. Let the house walk through and closing and subsequent painting and new carpet begin…

July 6: My ability to apologize at the sort tail end of an argument with Tim. I’m not usually able to see through the raging red to do that, so I’d call that a step in the right direction.

July 7: We closed on the Arkansas house. And on a neat date to boot! 7/7/14!

July 8: I forgot how washed out and blurry the clouds are at lower elevations – and I already reaaallllllly miss the amazing, huge, crisp clouds – especially the well defined thunderstorms/supercell clouds – in Colorado. We did, however, find a tiny oasis that is the only organic food store for MILES. Can we say I’m going to grow my own produce? So, I’m thankful for that small piece of “normal” in a town that is way, WAY behind in fresh/organic food.

July 9: Took Kellan over to the house and he had fun/got a little more comfortable with it. Hoping the mini-trips will help once we officially move in in about a week.

July 10: Tim has this uncanny ability to make me crack up while I’m trying to get Kellan to sleep. And when I can’t help but laugh out loud hysterically, Kellan does too. It makes bedtime take longer but it’s worth it.

Tonight, it was this text from Tim that did me in: “It will be like sleeping in the engine room of a cruise ship out here….sloshing and whirring of the dishwasher.”

And why is that so funny? We are in a TINY one bedroom apartment right now and Tim is sleeping on the couch in the living area that is basically the same as the kitchen. And every appliance and fixture in here is at least 20+ years old. So, I didn’t really think anything about the dishwasher except that it needed to run, so why not overnight? Little did I know that when it was on, it is so loud it sounds like it’s going to take flight. I started it on the normal cycle while Tim gave Kellan a bath/storytime. Then, Kellan and I got all nice and settled in for bed and not two minutes later, Tim sends that text….and I lost it because the imagery….he’s out there on the couch with a sheet for a blanket, three cats, and an ornery dishwasher about to lift off while Kellan and I enjoy the calm darkness and ocean sounds via the iPod. Now go read the text again. It gets funnier the more times you read it. I’m thankful for these moments where Tim makes me laugh and laugh when I least expect it.

July 11: so, Kellan has been throwing all of his food on the floor all the time….and tonight when I came back to the couch to give him his requested cup of milk, he had put his entire bowl of macaroni on the coffee table without me even saying anything. When I walked over, I handed him his milk and was (in my head) like, where is your pasta?! And I look behind him to see it nearly places on the table. Made my heart so happy. I told him I was so proud and that was the perfect spot. And yes, he was watching Cars and eating dinner at the same time. We are in a one bedroom apartment and right now my motto is go with the flow.

July 12: wine and giant chocolate chip cookies.

July 13: Kellan’s vocabulary. Today I asked what Gracie and ditzy (Chloe) were doing laying together in their little cat carrier and he goes, “Nothing. Just hanging out.” And the other day he blew the painters mind by saying, “I want to help with the delicate things” (chandelier pieces I had taken down).

July 14: A gorgeous sky at night after surviving our (Kellan’s) first dinner with Tim for a work thing. Beautiful mammatus clouds! I have really been missing the clouds and how crisp they are in colorado, so it was nice to see these tonight. Also thankful for Kellan always cracking me up. Tonight it was a quick, impromptu trip to Braum’s
(Like a Dairy Queen except they also sell groceries…all kinds). After getting our ice cream and sitting down at a table, Kellan sees the pepper shaker and very seriously goes, “Mommy! I don’t want pepper to sneeze me!” I was cracking up.

July 15: the AMAZING LOW HUMIDITY today (32%!) In Arkansas in July. Thank you, Mother Nature. It made me really, really miss Colorado, but so thankful for this rare day….and I actually think the cooler weather continues through this weekend! Hurrah!

July 16: Another amazing weather day. And Kellan reading books out loud. So adorable. His picks today were Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? And Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear?

July 17: a fall weather day in July in Arkansas (high was high 60s and rainy). Loving the brutal heat reprieve.

July 18: I don’t know if it was just today or what, but almost every single person who saw Kellan today said he was SO CUTE. And he brought a smile to their face. It was really sweet. I mean, of course I think he’s cute, but really, everyone seemed to have a lingering smile after our encounter. It was really nice.

July 19: Life is so precious. Sometimes you forget that when you’re caught up in the little annoyances that really aren’t a big deal at all in the grand scheme of things. So grateful just to be able to live and enjoy life. Kellan really helps with that….with appreciating the little things. He had a blast digging rocks out of the dirt at the Arkansas house today. Rock after rock after rock. Big and small, tiny and humongous! It was so refreshing to watch him. Just living.

July 20: A sweet and totally unexpected card from the BFF. It made my whole day! Living super far away and not basically right next door is a hard adjustment.

July 21: even though the moving in of all of our stuff was extremely stressful this morning with all kinds of hiccups, our new neighbors, Bob and Amy, came right over and offered to bring us lunch. It was so nice of them. I know we would have eaten crackers and water or whatever snack type food we could give had it not been for them. I’m already loving this house and neighborhood.

July 22: Finally picked up the dogs from daycare. I think they thought we left them forever. They had the biggest smiles on their faces the whole way home…and it was fun to watch them explore the house and yard for the first time. Thankful for their loyalty and ability to live in/enjoy the moment.

July 23: Tim and my ability to somehow empty the garage/put everything to one side or in the attic to get our cars inside and move all the tools into the “man cave exactly one day after a million moving boxes were put into our house AND exactly hour before a severe storm hit. The storm started literally less than five minutes after we walked in the door, both dropping with sweat. I was like PERFECT TIMING.

July 24: Kellan running around in the driveway waaaaaaaaaay past bedtime, listening to the frogs and the crickets saying, “they sound really cool!” We didn’t have this loud of an insect/amphibian orchestra in Colorado and that is ALL you hear outside at night. It’s really, really nice and really awesome for Kellan to experience. I also received some super amazing news today, too, but that secret will have to stay locked up for a little while. And no, it isn’t a baby.

July 25: A mini-toddler break to go find carpet cleaner solo while Tim watched Kellan. I’ll take what I can get. Target all by myself? Watch out!

July 26: ummmm today is one of those days where a lot happened but nothing really stood out as THE THING to be thankful for….Kellan saw lightning bugs for the first time. We saw our outside box turtle friend again. I guess today I’m thankful we are living in a place where Kellan gets to experience so much “nature.”

July 27: the monkey bathroom is no more!!!! It looks AMAZING now.

July 28: Crickets by Colt Ford. It’s just a fun song…the chorus puts me in a happy mood.

July 29: A two hour nap – by me. Thanks for taking a super nap (3.5 hours) today, Kellan. Not being able to fall asleep last night to the point I was still awake when Kellan woke up at midnight until….2am?….made for a long night.

July 30: After 18 days – EIGHTEEN DAYS! – the painters are finally done!….I won’t mention that we noticed tonight that our carpet that was installed is messed up. It’s basically like you’re walking on a thin waterbed….and last time I checked that’s not how carpet is supposed to work…..

July 31: the final pieces to finish the former monkey bathroom have been acquired!!! First room is 99% complete and I am so excited! I also have a pretty awesome hubby and kid. Life is good.

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