Posts Tagged 'family'



happy 4th!!

Happy Fourth of July (for all the Americans)!

Other than that, I don’t even know what to say regarding my lack of blogging.

How about my life is cra-zy trying to keep up with my kid.

Example?

Kellan is counting to TWENTY.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

No typo.

He’s 16.5 months old and can count.

To twenty.

Zero prompting other than to ask him to count and to say, “what comes after X (if he stalls).” He skips a few numbers in the teens now and again, but I’m guessing that will not be the case for long.

We are trying to figure out what to do once he is old enough for school…proooobably will need some guidance from someone as we get closer, especially if he continues to pick up other things as quickly as counting.

I’m not saying this to be all, “Look how awesome MY child is!”

I’m saying it because OMG. Is there someone out there who A: reads my blog and B: had a child like this?

And C: What did you do to keep them…not bored?

the hard truth

Maybe I’m paying more attention to it this year, I don’t know, but it seems like Father’s Day is everywhere. Best gift for dad! What’s the best advice your dad has ever given you? How much does your dad mean to you? Blah de blah blah.

I wish I had a better attitude about those things. But, I don’t.

Relationship with *my* dad?

Does. Not. Exist.

(I think most of you already know that, but if you’d like some ranty background reading, try this or this or this.)

I honestly can’t think of any helpful advice my dad gave to me. Like, ever.

I am insanely envious of all you people with great dad relationships. I know we can’t have everything in life, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that that would have been something nice to experience. The closest thing I have is Tim’s dad, which is way, way better than nothing at all and I am very thankful for him.

I know that Kellan’s relationship with Tim will be nothing like the one I (don’t) have with my dad. Thank the High Almighty for that. Tim and his dad have a pretty decent relationship. Tim still asks for advice from him, even to this day. That is what I hope happens with Tim and Kellan, though I’m not worried. In fact, I’m pretty sure it will end up working out that way.

So, for me, Father’s Day isn’t about celebrating my own father, which is both true and sad. After years of being hurt, again and again, it was a chapter in my life that I felt best to close.

Honestly, making and acting on that decision resulted in a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. Dropping that emotional burden was the right thing to do. I feel so much better. Less stressed. Less negativity. Will I regret not trying (for the nth time) to rebuild a relationship?

No.

Unless he makes drastic changes – and I mean a complete 180, total overhaul in current life and parenting choices – my life is better without him. That was a hard truth for me to swallow, but once the bitterness washed away, I realized that it was what I had needed to move forward in my life.

Sometimes I do wonder if I am doing the right thing…and then, inevitably, something will happen – like getting a cryptic birthday card from him about “truths hidden in your heart” – and I know at that moment that I am. I absolutely am doing the right thing.

This? This is the truth. My truth. My reality. I’m not afraid of it, nor am I hiding from it. YOU may have that load to bear, but I dropped mine long ago.

Do you see what I mean about stress and negativity? Who sends their daughter a 30th birthday card with that kind of message?

That example is exactly why I cut off all contact. And because I consciously decided to do this, years ago, his attempts (and me wracking my brain trying to figure it all out) at whatever it is he’s trying to do no longer sit in the pit of my stomach but instead roll off my back like water on a duck.

Instead, I now focus on the positive, happy, fulfilling things, like celebrating Tim being a wonderful dad andKellan building a strong relationship with him.

Don’t feel sorry or sad for me. Be happy that I finally realized what was best and healthiest for me and my own little family of three and took the necessary steps to keep us all emotionally sane.

So, Happy Father’s Day to all of the amazing dads out there! There are so many more awesome dads than not, and all of you lucky people who have one? Go give him an extra tight hug. He’s earned it.

PS: I understand some of you will disagree with me/my decisions, but that is the beauty of your life versus mine. You get to live yours. I get to live mine. We both get to make decisions that are best for us, in our own life, because we walk that path every day and know what is best for our mental, emotional, and physical health. We know our past and we know what will give us a better future, versus only getting a glimpse into someone’s world and judging their decisions based on a tiny snapshot.

one hundred months

Today is Tim and my 100-month-a-versary!

And it’s also the first day of spring.

I know. We so planned it to work out this way.

We’ve gone from this:
Copy of 103_0344

To this:
291-162007
To this.
xmas
And it just keeps getting better.

And more delayed. Obviously that’s our Christmas picture and obviously we haven’t had another chance for a “we all showered and put on real clothes” photo op.

the big 3-0

So…..my birthday is Saturday. Groundhog’s Day.

I’m going to be thirty.

3-0.

THIRTY.

It still hasn’t really sunk in, yet.

Once, a long time ago, I said I wanted to be finished having kids by now.

Obviously, that didn’t happen.

I did say that I would do a lot of things before 30.

And I have.

Marathons, traveling, getting married, moving across the country, having a kid, oh my!

But, being the list-type person that I am, I think I need to make another list…a before 40 list…

Suggestions?

Also? Please send everyone you know right to this spot to tell me thirty is the new awesome.

And I really would write more, but I’m currently off celebrating in style.

More on that later…

dear kellan – month 11

Wow, mister. I really cannot believe that the next time I write a letter to you you’ll be a year old! ONE WHOLE YEAR! That is truly mind boggling. I’m still not sure how time is going by so quickly.

This month has been nothing short of eventful – as all have been. I guess that’s why time is flying…we are so busy with everything! Everything is fun and new and an experience for you and it is such a joy to watch those gears in your head turn as you figure things out or see or do something new.

Granted, some things never change. Like, for instance, your love of the boob. I went to a workout class (12/20) – once – at night with a friend and your daddy took care of you while I was gone. When I came home, though? You were sooooo ready for bed. It was pretty much past your bedtime and as soon as I walked into the door, I took you upstairs to go to sleep – no shower. No food. Nothing. My brain was focused on getting you to sleep and I had missed you! Even when I’m away for an hour I still miss you! Anyhow, so we get upstairs and I sat you on the bed while I changed clothes to put a nursing tank on. I was leaning against the bed to make sure you didn’t fall off, and the second my shirt came off, you looked at my chest, said, “DAT!” leaned forward and faced planted into my boob. I couldn’t help but laugh. And you’ve done it again, too. It tends to happen when you are really tired. Or when you don’t want me to get up from the bed while you are napping – which has been a constant thing towards the end of the month. Just the other day, I tried to get up, you woke up (you still use your legs as your early warning system. You lay them on my thigh and the second they go horizontal, you start to stir), looked at me as I had juuuuust gotten out of bed, and started crying. I laid back down and you looked right at my boob, said “DAT” and immediately latched on and fell back asleep. Oy.

It is funny…at the beginning of the month, you actually started falling asleep without nursing, which was a huge, huge deal. On Christmas Eve, you did your usual nursing thing but then, you let go, rolled over onto your back and then fell asleep. It was such a happy, yet kind of sad, moment all at once. I was so proud of you for going into dream world all by yourself but in the same breath…you did it. All by yourself.

Maybe it had something to do with you being sick? I am not sure. We thought you were on the upswing at that point. Oh, wait. Let me back up a minute.

The weekend before Christmas (12/22), you got really sick. I woke up around three in the morning with you, kind of moaning in your sleep, and I knew something wasn’t right. You were so hot! Granted, you sweat a lot at night anyway, but this was a different kind of hot. Like, fever hot. Sick hot. Sure enough, you woke up and were crying and very sad. Your daddy and I took your temperature and it was close to 103 – which is the highest your temperature has ever been. You had randomly thrown up – like projectile vomit – all over your father the night before. We thought it was because you had gotten really, really hysterical over us trying to give you Tylenol. I was trying to wipe your face off with a cloth and your daddy was holding you…and then…you…vomited. Everywhere. The look on your daddy’s face…well, he was still trying to figure out what was going on even after I took you from him and told him to go change his clothes.

Turns out, it had nothing to do with the Tylenol and everything to do with you not feeling well.

By 6:30 in the morning, I called the nurse hotline because you just wouldn’t settle down and your fever was so high! Based on the symptoms you had, they sent us to the Emergency Room. We went to the Children’s Hospital, which is close to where we live, thankfully.

After being there for a few hours and a dose of ibuprofen later, they sent us home because they couldn’t find anything wrong with you that was serious enough to admit you. We were just supposed to wait and see if anything changed or if you got worse. You didn’t. You got better, actually, after a few days, just in time for Christmas. The fever preceded a really nasty cold, so you had a hard time breathing at night but we did everything we could to make you as comfortable as possible.

Christmas came…and went. You got lots of awesome toys and things and it took us all day to open everything. We had to pause for multiple nap breaks. It was ok, though, because it made Christmas last all day, which was nice. We talked to you Mimi and Uncles Jeff, Mason and Troy and also Nonni and Papa, Aunt Kristen, Cousin Colton, Aunt Abbie and Uncle Josh…and Uncle Ryan (whew!) on FaceTime, too. The whole day was really laid back and low key, which was nice because every day and weekend had felt a little hectic leading up to Christmas.

Oh, and can I just mention that you used to not mind taking Tylenol (or whatever medicine) from a syringe, but after the nurse at the hospital basically force-fed you ibuprofen while you screamed and screamed (and I held you…but you still screamed), you now fight EVERYTHING that comes in a syringe.

This wasn’t exactly a good thing, considering you got sick – again – right after New Year’s (1/2 – 1/3). Sick as in the first day your daddy went back to work after twelve days off, I was doing dishes and you were playing in your cabinet in the kitchen when you started crying this weird cry. I went over, knelt down to see what was wrong and….yup. Projectile vomit. All over everything. Except this time it kept coming…and coming…and coming. I tried to tell you it was ok while I picked you up and made an attempt to get to the sink (didn’t work out so well) to contain the spewing but you were scared and crying and very, very upset. I totally get it – throwing up is scary and upsetting. I don’t like it, either.

So, enough with the sick talk, eh? How about we move onto…..sounds! Like how you whip your head around at every little one. Your daddy is the same way (and mommy, too, according to daddy…). It is kind of a pain, though, when you are allllmost asleep and then Chloe jumps on the bed (she makes like brrrrrt! sound when she does). You jump and turn to look to see what is going on that is way more interesting than dream world. Then we have to start the sleep process all over again…1!!”

Also, you have started saying whoa! and wow! – and at the appropriate times, too, like one day (12/21) while I was holding you at the grocery store and you were pushing a standing sign. When you pushed it, I said, “whoa!” and then you said it, too. It was so funny! Mommy and daddy didn’t realize we said it as much as we do until you started saying it, too.

Also? When you are tired you have begun doing this thing with your fist where you’ll rub below your eye down to your nose down to mouth. When your fingers hit your mouth, you make a funny sound, part pitiful moaning part sound like when you hum and move fingers back and forth over your lips.

Lately, it seems, though, that you are more interested in your gross motor skills. Yay! You are now able to go from sitting to your belly much easier and you are more willing to do so. Sometimes you do this middle split thing and then put your belly on the ground and then slide your legs behind you (wow, flexibility!) and other times you kind of bend on leg, put if behind you and sort of push yourself to your belly. And now, to encourage you to move, I will do this thing where I move away from you and then tell you to touch my hands and then I’ll pick you up.

It didn’t take long for you to figure out this game. Maybe one time. Whenever I say that, you do your worm/army crawl/roll thing to get as close as you can where your fingertip will juuuuuust barely touch mine. Then, you slowly put your arm and hand out, touch the very tip of my finger with your and then look up at me like, “Ok! I did it! Pick me up!”

It’s really funny.

You are much better at communicating what you want, too. Like, if you are sitting on the floor or in your high chair and have decided you want to be picked up NOW? You wave both your arms in the air like, “Mom…mom…mom…mom….” and you do this huffing thing at the same time. It’s quite obvious as to what you want because the second I (or daddy) pick you up?

Happy as a clam.

So, anyhow, you also mostly pulled up for the first time while daddy was home on vacation over the holidays (12/27). You were sitting on my leg and pulled up using the two stacked wicker trunks in the loft to try and reach the fake flowers sitting on top. Daddy got it on video! And you really are, still, our little botanist!

You have also gotten more daring on the bed – which is kind of scary, considering you sleep there and it is a loooooong way down if you fall (and we only use pillows as a barrier at the moment). Except now, you have started playing with the pillows meant to keep you from rolling off. You pull them on top of you like a game. I’m guessing within the next month or so we are going to have to figure out another way to keep you safe while you are sleeping…(oh, we are still co-sleeping. It’s your favorite.). We bought you a stuffed pig and a blanket and have you sleep with them every night, now. Hopefully you’ll end up using them as lovies…we decided to name the pig Slumber.

Other things…you now looooooove to touch mommy and daddys face parts like our noses and ears. If we ask you where our nose is, you’ll touch it. You don’t touch your own yet, though. You will give us “five” if we ask (or ten…fifteen…twenty…). When you are concentrating really hard, you stick your tongue out. It is super cute. Right at the end of this month, we started making an obstacle course for you with the couch, ottoman and such, for you to try to walk on your own. You are getting better and better at it every day, though your favorite is still for us to hold your hands while you walk everywhere…or kick a ball all over the place. It is really amazing to watch you do that – kick the ball. Not only is it intentional, you do it with such force! And you laugh when you connect really well…you are so proud of yourself – as you should be. It seems walking is right around the corner. At least that is what everyone who sees you walking around tells us.

You still love, love, love reading. LOVE reading. You get such a cute smile every time we start a book. I hope you continue to love it as much as you do now.

Also, you are beginning to “discover” how things work. Like, the other day while I was taking you for a walk in the stroller, you squeaked Sophie the giraffe and then it’s like you all of a sudden realized the sound was coming from a little hole in her back (1/16). So, you did your own little experiment and would squeak Sophie and then touch the hole and then squeak Sophie…it was incredible to watch you. You did the same thing with this water duck thing that has a drawstring propeller (1/17). There are wheels on the bottom that makes it move forward in the water and you discovered the wheels during your bath and would spin the wheels with your fingers and then touch the propeller and then spin the wheels. Even daddy was amazed at how your brain was working to figure it out. The fact that things like this just…happen…without any prompting from us…is just…amazing.

I think the separation anxiety is really starting to kick in, too. I can’t seem to go more than two inches away from you before you start crying – full on tears and everything. Sometimes you even get onto your belly and try to come after me, though most times you just sit there and cry, looking absolutely pitiful. The other day (1/7) while we were doing the self check out at the grocery store, one of the employees came over and started talking to you and WOWZA. You started bawling. It was so sad! I picked you up and carried you out of the store while pushing the grocery cart. It was the only way…

Your current favorite food? Organic ritz-style crackers. You will eat those any time – day or night. I have to feed you other foods, like fruit (strawberries) or veggies (peas…you seem to like those now) before I bust out the crackers or cinnamon toast or else that’s all you’ll eat (the crackers or the toast). You will eat an entire container of yogurt, now, though. The whole thing! It’s incredible how much that little tummy can fit!

I love it when you play with your hair. You kind of twirl it in your fingers…it is so cute….so endearing…

Oh, let me end on this little story. We went to this Toddler’s and Tantrums presentation at a mom’s house with a bunch of other mom’s from the group. And, well, first off, you fell while trying to reach a big lego brick and hit your head on the sliding glass door. You started getting really upset but I tried to distract you with other toys and that seemed to work fine. Then…THEN…during the presentation by this psychologist woman (who really didn’t tell us anything helpful), you took a giant poo. GIANT. Basically as if you were saying, “Let’s move onto something more important here, guys…”

It was funny and also slightly embarrassing at the same time. Though, truthfully? Thanks for tagging us out of that presentation. I wasn’t really all that into it, anyway.

Well, I really cannot believe that the next time I write…you’ll be a year old. I know I already said that…but it is just…wow. I really cannot believe it.

I love you so, so much. You are such a bright, wonderful, joyful little man and watching you grow and develop is more fun than I would have ever imagined.

Mommy

PS: You’ve learned how to give hugs when we are holding you. If we ask for a hug, you’ll put your head down on our shoulder while we squeeze you tight. It is the best, best thing ever. We love your hugs.

merry christmas!

I know not everyone celebrates Christmas…but we do…so in honor of today – also known as Christmas – I wanted to wish all of you a happy day filled with lots of fun and joy and laughter.

This is our Christmas card.

And now I’m sharing it with you.

Because you are awesome.

I am so thankful that you are here, reading this.

Merry Christmas 2012 (B&W) Holiday Reindeer 2

PS: I’m the reindeer on the left. Tim is the right. Kellan the middle. Obviously.

just be

Happy Christmas Eve! It’s supposed to snow for Christmas this year.

I’m very excited.

We baked cookies yesterday.

Baked and baked and baked.

And baked.

We still have one more batch to bake, but only because the dough requires overnight refrigeration. I saw a recipe for the best chocolate chip cookies from an old NY Times article and decided that now is as good a time as any to try them.

The recipe still scares me.

Just check out the first sentence on the step where us *normal* people would just drop a rounded teaspoon on a pan and call it a day.

20121224-075512.jpg

We’ll see how they turn out.

After, of course, I turn all of the vertical chips to a more eye pleasing horizontal position.

Between all of the baking, I dealt with an on-the-mend-clingy-sick baby and Tim dropped off/picked up the dogs off from getting groomed.

Everybody is going to be clean for Christmas. Every. Body.

Why so much baking?

Because I decided we had to make cookies (plain, easy chocolate chip and peanut butter) for the Post Office and Police Department as part of our random acts of kindness.
20121223-173900.jpgThey better like them, is all I’m saying.

I have no idea what is wrong with me, either.

We also made *our* cookies — Hazelnut-but-really-pecan balls and Jammies. And the dough for the crazy ingredient chocolate chip cookies.

20121223-173505.jpgThe powdered sugar on the Jammies got a little out of control. I blame sleep deprivation.

20121223-173616.jpgFive Four batches. All baked.

Lucky number six five tomorrow.

Obviously I can’t count.

Oh, and we wrapped Kellan’s gifts. I think we are done wrapping, now, wrapping and baking and cleaning.

Tomorrow should be way chill, minus the aforementioned cookie delivery and the rolling of sausage balls for Christmas morning. We do it classy here, people — cookies and sausage balls and OJ.

And it’s awesome.

Also? To anyone and everyone who has family nearby?

Thank them. Appreciate them. Roll your eyes one less time at them.

It is really, really hard to raise and care for a child on your own AND do evvvvvverrythiiiinnng else all by yourself. And by “yourself” I mean our little family of three

It’s really hard.

I currently dangling at my wits end. Just so you’re in the loop as to my current state. Too much. There is too much going on. I’ll be glad when it’s over and I can have a minute to myself to just BE.


this is where you ask those burning questions

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