Posts Tagged 'family'

buzzy bees

It has taken me 34 years to realize the reason why I have zero filter and just SAY what things are without any forethought…without thinking about how my words might affect someone…is because I didn’t grow up in a sharing all the things household. Maybe it was partly my personality, but we just weren’t as open about everything all the time.

When I first met Tim and was introduced to his family, it was like massive culture shock. I mean it didn’t matter what it was, everybody knew about it. I mean, hello my first Christmas there and my panties get eaten by the dog

Mortifying.

Especially to Thee Who Never Talked About Things.

It took me a while to drop the curtain (nice post panty placement, no?). But once I did?

LET’S SHARE ALL THE THINGS!!!!

And then however long ago, my mom asked my to stop writing about my dad. I have no idea why. I probably should have just not told her about my blog and then I wouldn’t have been censored, but in the spirit of SHARING ALL THE THINGS, I wasn’t going to also hide what I was writing.

And then the atomic bomb that was spring 2015 happened and I censored myself.

And now here I am, totally bottled up.

Bottled up and wanting to SHARE ALL THE THINGS!!!!

(My phone keeps correcting bottled to bottles and I think it’s probably trying to tell me something about partaking in alcohol)

(Because why not?)

So, what can we share?…What can….oh! I know.

Let’s talk about moving.

Because that lovely activity is on the horizon and I am really just…moving is hard. Moving takes so much time and energy and it disrupts everything.

And regardless of where we end up this next time, it’s not the last time Tim will be asked to move. We just want to BE SOMEWHERE we don’t have to move anymore. 

We buy houses based on how they will resell. We find houses that don’t neee much, if any, work, because we don’t want to invest in a house we know we will leave. We want to invest in a house and do all the things we want to do, but we want to do that to a house where we will stay.

I’ve been thinking about moving again, and finding friends and all that. We didn’t do much of it where we are now, because I didn’t want moving to be any more upsetting than it already will be for Kellan. He doesn’t want to leave our house. He says he will miss it. I know moving will be tough for him. I also know that this next time, we will have to start school. 

We decided to home school him, partly to minimize the impact on future moves. But, I know we will need to get connected with a homeschool group wherever we go, which will force us to get involved and make friends and become more of a part of the community.

I think that will be a very good thing, though I also think it will also be a very difficult thing when we have to move again.

So, my thoughts really around this whole thing are not the logistics of it all. It is more trying to make the whole experience positive and not stressful. Like, I will need to chill out. Tim will need to chill out. Lots of things are not going to go as planned. There will be lots of messes and clutter and things to do and people to call and instead of getting all worked up and stressed and haired, we will just need to CHILL.

That is going to be hard.

Being chill is hard for me and for Tim and for Kellan. 

None of us are very good at keeping our chill.

We are the opposite.

We are ZOMG THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO I STILL HAVE TO CALL THE ELECTRICIAN AND CANCEL THIS BILL AND WHERE IS THE LIST OF STUFF TO DO WHY IS THE HOUSE A MESS WE HAVE TO KEEP IT STAGED HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIND A RENTAL HOME WILL IT HAVE A WASHER AND DRYER WAIT ARE WE KEEPING OURS? OH THEY’RE NEGOTIABLE…OUR HOUSE NEEDS TO SELL FAST WHY HASN’T THE AGENT CALLED ME WHERE EVEN IS MY PHONE?

I mean that’s not even exaggerating. All caps are required here because my brain goes to all caps and lots of exclamation points when it is stressed.

Really it’s just this on repeat:
 !!!!!!!!?!!!&$!!!!!!@&$$!!?!!!!!!!!!?!!!??!!!!

There are no words. Just lots of noise. 

Buzzy bees as I like to call it. 

Somehow I have to silence those damn bees.

So, that’s my plan. 

I have no idea how I’m going to do it. I am just going to have to be mindful of what’s coming out of my mouth and how I’m feeling and try to just….yup. 

YOOOOOOOU GUESSED IT.

CHILL

little things about moi

It’s been so long….I’ll bet you don’t even know who I am anymore! So, I’ll tell you…kind of. In a stream of consciousness kind of way….

I recently chopped off all my hair. Well, not all...it’s basically right above my shoulders now. It’s always been super long…well, not always. I have cut it short a few times before…but it’s been a long while. When I first got it cut Tim was like ehhhhhhhhiiiiiiii???…. that’s….. different? But after a day or so he said he liked it…then kept saying he liked it over and over…so I guess he was trying to let me know he was over the shock.

I really like Green & Black milk chocolate and ghiradellli 60% cocoa chocolate chips. Those are the two I’ve found where I like the flavor the best. I’m sure there is better chocolate…but that’s what I’ve discovered thus far.

My love for sleep is…no. It’s more of a need. I need sleep. I am grumpy when I don’t get my sleep. And news flash to myself: mom’s don’t ever get enough sleep. It’s a constant battle.

The lock screen on my phone is this.  It helps me remember not to be grumpy. I found it on Pinterest.

I have found I really enjoy being a mom and I don’t really enjoy reading all the sarcastic and negative things moms and dads say about parenting. I get they are trying to be funny usually…and I’m even guilty of it…but since I now fully understand what a blessing it is to have healthy children, I do not take any moment, even the frustrating ones, for granted. I try really hard to step back and bite my tongue and change my mindset and tone if I hear myself getting upset about trivial things.

I wish I had more friends? I have some, but they live far away. And I have one here where we live now, but it would be nice to have a village. I hope that we can stop having to move all over the place and get some stability and build a village. I grew up in a village and I still have friends from that village and I think it’s nice.

Speaking of friends, I am friends with a lot of people from all phases of my life on Facebook…and when I see what some of their interests are, it makes me wish I had gotten to know them better. I think we probably would have had a lot in common and made some fun memories and keep in touch even now, versus only through Facebook.

Actually, I don’t even post on Facebook anymore because there is a HUGE…well, multiple HUGE parts of my life that I either do not or cannot share, due to family drama issues. I mean, part of me is kind of at the point where I’m just like…who even cares or needs to know about our daily life? We are pretty boring people, really. Once I stopped posting things, I also stopped having the mindset of, “we need to capture this so I can post it!” Now, we capture memories for us and not to put on display. I didn’t even realize I had become that way until I stopped, so I think that’s a healthier way to live, honestly.

I would really like to have a big garden and also honey bees…and chickens for eggs. I am not very good with plants, so a garden will be a big challenge for me, but I am determined to turn my thumb green!

If I could go back to school, I would study the weather. Get an atmospheric science degree. Weather absolutely fascinates me. I would love to be able to forecast and predict severe weather and all of that. Tim informed me it required a lot of math, and I don’t get along well with math, and so I looked it up and everything I read basically said, “TAKE AS MUCH MATH AND PHYSICS AS POSSIBLE!” And so that dream died a little…but I would still like to learn. It may stretch my brain in ways it didn’t know could be stretched, but that’s okay. It’s all part of growing…right?

I have gotten pretty okay at cooking. Baking is not really my forté because I don’t really measure ingredients, but I can make dinner…and I can come up with mixes of seasonings and spices that work well. I can open the fridge and see what we have and come up with a meal. It didn’t used to be that way. Before I had to have a recipe and all of the ingredients or it wasn’t happening. Now I can have a recipe or not or all of the ingredients or not and still make a meal.

I like being tall. I’m 5’10. I’ll take it.

I wish someone would teach me how to put on makeup. I mostly taught myself and I can manage not looking like a clown but I would love for someone to show me how to make your eye makeup look so pretty where your eyes pop. I’ve watched tutorials and all but I guess I need hands on learning.

I like having counters clear of clutter. This is also a thing that doesn’t exist when you are a mom to small children. It’s like they see a clear counter and think, “A perfect space for all my stuff!!!!” And so the counter is clutter free for maybe five minutes.

I would like to see the Great Wall of China. The Aurora Borealis. The cherry blossoms in Japan. Rome. Easter Island. Greece. The Alps. New Zealand……all of the US national parks……The list goes on but my timer is up.

So, that’s me. Part of me? Things about me?

Welcome to the randomness of my brain.

it’s not what i thought it was

Tim and I went back and read through a bunch of my old blogs….man I was a know nothing punk kid! Legit what in the world? No words…I mean I guess it’s all a process but I really thought I was something, huh?

I know better now. I have no idea what I’m doing and I have no problem admitting that. 

Kids will do that to you. Bring you to your breaking point and then a second later make you laugh. You realize that nothing is really as big of a deal as you thought. Life really isn’t that serious and those things I thought were super important? Like OMG I need to match and I have to have makeup on always and if I’m going to send out a letter you better be damn well sure that stamp is 100% straight (sorry Mase…all those wedding RSVP envelopes you spent hours on…now that I think about it, as hell bent as I was on making sure you made sure the stamps were perfect becauussse…..they were coming right back to me? I mean really, self. Did I even care about the placement of the stamps? No. No I did not.)

All those things…are they really soooooooooooooooo serious??

No.

They’re not.

And when I read back through some of the things that mortified me?

Hysterical.

All the things I thought I was going to be and do after having Kellan??

Bwahahahahahhahahaha

None of it happened. Not a one.

Also? Having kids means F makeup and cute outfits. Did I shower? Are my clothes clean? Double check? 

Then we are having ourselves an excellent day.

So, back to whatever I was saying….oh! …I’m realizing now that wisdom is really learning to be comfortable with your “plans” never working out. Wisdom is letting go. Not allowing silly, trivial things to ruin a day. Being okay with  being present in the moment instead of trying to plan the next one. Saying what you think instead of being worried about what someone might think of what you have to say.

Wisdom.

It’s not what I thought it meant when I was a punk kid. It is not knowing everything.

It’s realizing that you know nothing.

I mean of course we all know stuff. That isn’t the point of wisdom. It’s more than that. A wise person…they understand. I don’t think I’m far enough in my wiseness to properly explain…

Anyhow. What I have realized is important are family and friends. We are sorely lacking in that department.

Sorely lacking.

So much family drama has left that circle really small. I keep having dreams of reconciliation – probably because I know how much everyone is missing.

I purposely have no spoken to or allowed my dad into my life for….probably a little over 7 years? We didn’t even give him our address when we moved. There are a myriad of reasons…but it boils down to how I was treated growing up and his life choices and me not wanting that kind of influence on any children Tim and I had. Not during the formative years.

…so he got my address over Christmas because I had to send one of my brother’s Christmas gifts there and I didn’t really think about our address being on the box.

Guess I should have known better.

One that it would be there and two that’d he’d find it.

He sent me a birthday card. 

First one in years.

I was just like….welp. Here we go again.

Part of me feels like I should respond? But the other part of me doesn’t want to open any doors or windows or cracks of any kind.

Then the wisdom comes in my brain. Not that it’s telling me I should be 100% on board with reconciling, but it does say that I should clear the air. Say what I mean and be honest. Whether or not he agrees or cares or does anything about it has nothing to do with me. I can’t change anyone, nor should I try. I should just be honest and then let things fall where they may.

I feel like that is what Tim and I both need to do with our respective family issues.

Clear the air.

Be honest.

And then whatever happens…happens. I really do not think we will be any better or worse off than we are now. 

It will just be as it should. Whatever that means.

Wisdom tells me that 

Let go. 

Say what you mean.

Be present with the ones you love.

I’m totally rambling and need to just stop because where was I even going with this?

I have no idea. I’m wise enough to admit that.

(See how I kind of went full circle? Maybe 3/4 circle?)

(I crack myself up sometimes)

protecting the gag order

The more I revisit my blog, the more I’m all, “I want to write about this! And that! And what just happened!”

And obviously I’m on a self imposed gag order…annnnd I realize that is probably not the best choice of words considering the current state of politics…but yah. And I’m not even going to go there. There was no voting in that direction in this household is all I’m saying. None. Zero. Never.

Anyhow, I may have to start password protecting some posts with life’s current activities because there are so many neat things happening! It took me awhile to get back to the point where I actually think in my brain, “Wow, I really love my life.”

But I’m there again. Finally. Things aren’t perfect and there are still some pretty significant unresolved issues, but on the whole, our house is happy again.

I know I went totally silent a few years ago…and to make an extremely long story short, it’s because things did not go “as planned” surrounding baby bista. They went in a direction no one anticipated, and it totally changed our lives. Put us all on a path we never imagined. A path we had no clue how to navigate.

But, we are on that path now, we have been on it, struggled down it, we have finally figured out how to walk it, and now life is fun and exciting again. I like to share those experiences and I am also realizing that I like to go back and re-read about all the funny (or otherwise) things that happened that I would have forever forgotten about had I not written them down.

So, I don’t know how password protecting works but I’ll figure it out. Technology is leaving me behind these days. There is no time to sit down and figure it out and it no longer comes intuitively to me like it once did. I don’t know what happens to your brain as you get older, but I definitely and wholeheartedly empathize with anyone’s grandma trying to learn “the computer.”

dusting me off

Wow okay soooooooooooo

Hi. 

I looked back and realized I had not written anything here since I think March 2015.

That’s a really long time. And my life today is absolutely zero like it was back then. Back then it was uncomplicated (compared to now). It was easy. It was pretty happy. Simple. It was a lot of things that it hasn’t been for a long time and that it still isn’t.
But, that’s not the point really. 

Point is, I came across this post I wrote three years ago today. I read it and I realized I haven’t become that shiny happy person at all. If anything I have gone backward due to life being life and throwing multiple, very difficult and painful, giant balls at me and my family in 2015. I won’t even call them curve balls because these balls legit hit me straight on in the gut and face and really just everywhere. 
There was no curving. 

Only hitting.

So, it’s been a long road just to get back to even ground. To dig out of the hole I was buried in. But, I’ve come to realize that *not* writing over the last almost two years hasn’t been helping. I mean, I write about life. I share about my life…and then 2015 happened where I couldn’t write about life at all…for various reasons that unfortunately still hold true to this day. There are so many things that have happened…both good and bad, wonderful and devastating…and I have had to keep them all to myself and a very, very small group of people. 

It’s really no fun. 

At all. 

Some people have mentioned I should start an anonymous blog…but for whatever reason, posting things as a person with no name is 100% not me. I have no interest in that.

One day I will share all the things that have happened…but not today…today my point, since I’m obviously scatterbrained at the moment, is that I need to try to become the shiny happy person I wrote about years ago, even though doing that feels harder now than it was back then. It probably isn’t, it’s really just a mindset and teaching my brain how to be present in the moment…listening to hear versus listening to respond…all that mumbo jumbo that’s actually true. That’s what I need to do…

I have also realized that I really miss writing and need to start again. 

Hence this post.
You’re so very welcome.

I know you’re thrilled.

Even though it’s completely and ridiculously vague.

It’s still a post though. Give a girl some credit.

baby Bista is a……..

Gender Reveal (Kellan)

BOY!!!!!

I have always known, somewhere deep down – maybe call it intuition – that I would only have boys. I even remember having the thought while pulling Kellan in a wagon in our neighborhood in Colorado, probably at least a year ago, if not longer. It went something like, “Do you really want another one? You already know it’ll be a boy.”

It’s like my whole life has set me up to be a mom of boys. I only have brothers. I preferred to play with the boys in my neighborhood growing up (making forts and jumping over bushes and riding skateboards down steep driveways was way more fun than Barbies). I was even envious of my brother being in Boy Scouts. *I* wanted to be in Boy Scouts. Girl Scouts was so boring. I legit would hide during meetings because I didn’t want to see how long it would take for dripping water to fills cup. Bring on the Pinewood Derby (that’s a Boy Scout thing) and camping trips and why can’t I go to the meetings????

As I got older, I felt like I could relate to boys better. I preferred having friends that were boys. I liked stereotypical “boy” activities better. Boys were more interesting and did more interesting things. Boys were not complicated (until I was a teenager, and honestly, I’m pretty sure the overthinking and emotional state we girls are in at that point are what makes that whole thing complicated in the first place).

This is not to say I never had girl friends. I did. I still do. Some of those friends will forever be near and dear to my heart, with years and years of memories.

What I’m saying is, I know boys. I am totally comfortable with boys. Boys are predictable (to me). Boys are well within my comfort zone and I have lots of years of experience with them. I truly enjoy doing the things they like to do. I would be hopelessly lost with a prissy, doll-loving, wants to get mani-pedis, french braid my hair girl. I’d be like….well, to start, I’d need lessons on how to french braid hair.

And how to properly apply makeup.

All that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m in awe of those girls, mostly because I have never been one and I could never figure out how to be one, though I tried and tried….and tried….and tried.

I think I finally realized somewhere down the age line that that isn’t me, and that’s why I can’t be that person, even though there were times I REALLY WANTED TO BE THAT GIRL.

I’m not. I never will be. And that’s okay.

All this time, all this gravitation toward more “boy” things…has completely prepared me for this journey. I’m more than ready and so very excited that Kellan will have a brother, that we will have another son, that our family will be complete.

I will say that I am sad that Tim will not have a daughter. I mean, yes, it is true we will never know what it is like to raise a girl. We just have to take it as we aren’t supposed to have that experience, that our path has a purpose, and that path and purpose is full of boys. Don’t get me wrong, Tim is super excited about baby Bista. He just knows that this will be the last child to occupy my uterus (though others think we will change our minds…), for a variety of reasons. So, barring adoption (which isn’t something we are considering), there will not be a girl in this house (other than me…hahahahahaha). And that’s just what it is, and honestly, and this goes for every single person and family out there – there need not be any explanation as to why we are happy or sad or anything.

This is our family.

We are all deeply devoted, protective, and completely in love with every single aspect of it. Tim even said to me the other day…and I quote, “We’ve built a life together.”

He is totally right.

We love our family.

We love our life.

It’s as simple as that.

P.S.: And for those wondering what baby Bista’s name will be….stay tuned…until June. Because, for those of you who remember baby sprout (Kellan!), that’s a secret we don’t tell anyone until they are born. I’m pretty sure we drive our family and friends crazy. We don’t even give up initials. Top secret information over here.

I am thankful – November edition

At the moment, I don’t even have the energy for an intro…but I was thankful! Every single day.

November 1: We are officially weaned!! It’s actually been a few weeks, but I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a fluke before I said it out loud. Yay!

November 2: collecting wood with Kellan for our first fire in the fire pit, complete with apple cider. It was so nice. And then, later during bedtime, Tim hit his knee on I have no idea what….oh. The corner of the door…this man and his weird injuries….anyway, Kellan walked over to him and goes, “It’s okay, daddy. Accidents happen. I’ll kiss it.” Ensue laughter from all. He is the sweetest kid.

November 3: Kellan is such a polite kid! He burped in the grocery store and goes, “excuse me, I burped!” And then when we left from checking out, he waved at the dude and goes, “Goodbye, have a nice day!” Also, Tim coming home and making homemade spaghetti and meatballs. It was divine.

November 4: All day rain. It’s been awhile….

November 5: Being able to rescue Kellan from choking. I think maybe he finally gets the message…SIT AND EAT. DO NOT RUN AROUND WITH A MOUTH FULL.

November 6: I know I’ve said it before….but I am so thankful Kellan enjoys….LOVES….being outside/nature.

November 7: Tim genuinely happily whistling while he was making cookies, even though he was really tired and didn’t really want to, but did it for me.

November 8: Getting garage sale pricing done. Whew. I can’t wait to be done with it.

November 9: Managing to obtain a family photo for our Christmas card. It’s always an ordeal and a feat to accomplish. No idea why….but it never goes as planned/ends up being stressful/everyone gets upset at least once. It’s amazing we even still attempt this, honestly….one year may end up just being a picture of a sign laying against a tree that says, “WE TRIED.” Not this year, though. We powered through! Yay us!

November 10: A beautiful warm day where we could enjoy the park before the cold weather. And a successful trip to the dentist for Kellan, albeit it was full of tears, but we got our teeth cleaned!

November 11: Tim being nice and understanding when I’m super tired at the end of the day and he plays with Kellan without complaint or with any snide comments.

November 12: heat!!! It is so cold outside!

November 13: finding the last winter coat in the city that would fit Kellan. Guess I waited a liiiiiittle too long this year. But, we found one!

November 14: A nice, crisp late afternoon exploration in the woods behind the house. Kellan really loves going back there.

November 15: A pretty successful first ever garage sale that Tim and I have done together. Yay for less stuff!

November 16: Tim saying he was glad he was home, too, because he knew that meant all of the “have to do everything” burden wasn’t all on me.

November 17: Meeting a very nice man for a newspaper story. Some people really affect you, even by doing one simple, small, unexpected thing.

November 18: Kellan’s ability to entertain himself and be creative with styrofoam while I put together patio furniture. The styrofoam was everything from runway for his planes to building material to make a house.

November 19: Even though Kellan is absolutely showing signs of the “threenager” stage of asserting his independence and saying NO to everything, there are also lots of heartmelting moments. Like today when he threw a pillow all the way down the stairs and said daddy had to get it. And I told him no, he needed to get it. And he did. I eventually came over to help him bring it back upstairs, as he was struggling. Also, I asked him to go put a face sponge in the bathroom for me, and later when I went to go look for it because I didn’t see it on the counter/in the trash can/some place obvious, I finally looked in the cabinet under the sink where we keep extra stuff, and there it was. Placed nearly right in the front. I went and told him how proud I was and how that was a perfect place. He had even closed the cabinet doors after he put the sponge away. Seriously so proud of him.

November 20: finding a haircut person that Kellan LOVES. It’s a big deal when he warms up to someone immediately and there are no tears.

November 21: Somehow, by the grace of God, Tim made it home last night against all odds.

November 22: Safe super rainy – as in pouring buckets – trip to the grocery store an hour away for Thanksgiving shopping.

November 23: How excited Kellan is about Christmas. Today he wanted to “deck the halls!” I have no idea where he heard that, but it was so cute. Holidays really are so much more fun and magical with a child.

November 24: I let Kellan finish brushing his teeth in the bathroom on his own/unsupervised while I had to go do something else…that I now cannot recall…and then when we were reading his bedtime story, all of a sudden I was like, “Wait. Did you rinse your toothbrush and put it away in the yellow cup?” He looks at me and goes, “……..(thinking)…YES!” I was like, “I’m going to go check.” I walked in and sure enough, there was his toothbrush, put away in the yellow cup. I walked back into his bedroom with a huge smile and gave him a
big hug and kiss and told him how proud I was and how what he did was so, so responsible. He was so proud of himself…then wanted me to go check again so I could come back and tell him again how he was responsible. So cute and I am so blown away. He’s growing up so fast! So thankful he is making the right choices even when on his own.

November 25: Safe travel day for Nonni and Papa AND Kellan was beyond excited to see them!

November 26: Finding the last toys I was looking for after searching three different stores. It’s a long story. But I had to have them TODAY and they apparently didn’t exist anywhere, except the last place I looked (of course).

November 27; Nice Thanksgiving with family and for the best husband ever!

November 28: Sitting in the history museum soda shop/old pharmacy area with Kellan, Tim, Nonni, and Papa. Kellan was eating ice cream and sprinkles (in separate bowls, always). Out of nowhere Kellan looks at me and says, “This is the best time of my life.” No one else heard him but me, which I think was on purpose. He is the sweetest kid….and then, when we get home, Tim and his parents make a leftover thanksgiving plate of food (my stomach wasn’t having any of it), and when Tim sits down, I look at his plate and he put all dark meat on it, which he doesn’t really like, to make sure there was enough white meat for everyone else. I am so thankful for my extremely thoughtful boys!

November 29: Kellan’s smile. Honestly, this kid brightens anyone’s day. Everyone he meets smiles back at him. He is such a light.

November 30: Not completely losing it when Kellan pooped in the tub and I had to clean it. No idea how I remained calm so he didn’t get more upset about what happened…oh the plot twists of motherhood.


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