Posts Tagged 'choices'

this is what you’ve been missing

the picky eater vs the foodie

The keeping room

I am *that* mom

missed the turn, he did

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roots and wings

Ugh.

We are really kind of (because that’s not at all ambiguous phrasing…) struggling with trying to decide/find THE PLACE we will call “home.” We have kind of been in a holding pattern, knowing that Tim’s job will move us eventually at some point who knows when (this is the kind of verbiage you get when it’s almost 11pm. You’re welcome). Because of this – the probable moving – we haven’t really made huge leaps to set down firm roots.

Granted, Kellan WILL be affected by a move. The child who remembers exactly where you have things in your house the first time he visits expects those things to be in the SAME SPOT the next time he returns. If not, he asks where they went because order. must. be. restored. He has friends here. There are places he knows and recognizes and enjoys to visit. I know how to get to the grocery store (now).

So, moving him to an entirely new town/neighborhood/house is going to be really, really hard. I know this because I am mom. And the starting over finding friends….and the grocery store….it’s hard (unless you have a navigation system, and then it’s really just an extra step that sometimes I don’t like to take because I feel like a grocery store really shouldn’t be that difficult to locate….I digress)

Anyhow, back to the where….and I should just keep going with the …………………………

I’m pretty sure I have told you that Tim and I are Type A to the extreme. I’m also beginning to realize we are perfectionists, albeit regarding completely different things (but, hey, at least the dishes are emptied from the drying rack and the stainless is always streak free), to a fault. We’re also raising another perfectionist, so it’s all just a barrel of laughs over here when things get chaotic……..

Anyhow.

It’s hard to stay on task when it is late……

So, as I was saying, being Type A Perfectionists pretty much means we want to get it right the first time, even though, to be honest, it will probably be two moves before it is all said and done. And we only have so much control as to where we move next. And then there are places we would really love to live….but are those places the right fit? Who knows.

But. Kellan.

We need to get it right for him. And we have no idea where “right” is….or how to know if whatever place will be “right.” I have never really had actual thoughts about how this would be important…vital…to live in a place we love, that Kellan loves, that has good schools/low crime/four seasons/snow/nice people/big yards/fill in the blank of all the things you’d want in a “perfect” home and surrounding area.

When it’s just two, no kids, you can make do and figure it out. But when you’re trying to raise a child, you do everything that you can to get it right, even through mistakes, you have this burning desire to give them the absolute best that you are able, and sometimes, like now, like with big, life altering decisions, you wish you had a crystal ball.

I realize you make a house a home and a town your community/friend base, but it just isn’t that easy….it is more complicated than that…at least for me.

These….these are the thoughts that sometimes keep me up at night when I should be sleeping. Because two year olds don’t sleep in.

the hard truth

Maybe I’m paying more attention to it this year, I don’t know, but it seems like Father’s Day is everywhere. Best gift for dad! What’s the best advice your dad has ever given you? How much does your dad mean to you? Blah de blah blah.

I wish I had a better attitude about those things. But, I don’t.

Relationship with *my* dad?

Does. Not. Exist.

(I think most of you already know that, but if you’d like some ranty background reading, try this or this or this.)

I honestly can’t think of any helpful advice my dad gave to me. Like, ever.

I am insanely envious of all you people with great dad relationships. I know we can’t have everything in life, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that that would have been something nice to experience. The closest thing I have is Tim’s dad, which is way, way better than nothing at all and I am very thankful for him.

I know that Kellan’s relationship with Tim will be nothing like the one I (don’t) have with my dad. Thank the High Almighty for that. Tim and his dad have a pretty decent relationship. Tim still asks for advice from him, even to this day. That is what I hope happens with Tim and Kellan, though I’m not worried. In fact, I’m pretty sure it will end up working out that way.

So, for me, Father’s Day isn’t about celebrating my own father, which is both true and sad. After years of being hurt, again and again, it was a chapter in my life that I felt best to close.

Honestly, making and acting on that decision resulted in a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. Dropping that emotional burden was the right thing to do. I feel so much better. Less stressed. Less negativity. Will I regret not trying (for the nth time) to rebuild a relationship?

No.

Unless he makes drastic changes – and I mean a complete 180, total overhaul in current life and parenting choices – my life is better without him. That was a hard truth for me to swallow, but once the bitterness washed away, I realized that it was what I had needed to move forward in my life.

Sometimes I do wonder if I am doing the right thing…and then, inevitably, something will happen – like getting a cryptic birthday card from him about “truths hidden in your heart” – and I know at that moment that I am. I absolutely am doing the right thing.

This? This is the truth. My truth. My reality. I’m not afraid of it, nor am I hiding from it. YOU may have that load to bear, but I dropped mine long ago.

Do you see what I mean about stress and negativity? Who sends their daughter a 30th birthday card with that kind of message?

That example is exactly why I cut off all contact. And because I consciously decided to do this, years ago, his attempts (and me wracking my brain trying to figure it all out) at whatever it is he’s trying to do no longer sit in the pit of my stomach but instead roll off my back like water on a duck.

Instead, I now focus on the positive, happy, fulfilling things, like celebrating Tim being a wonderful dad andKellan building a strong relationship with him.

Don’t feel sorry or sad for me. Be happy that I finally realized what was best and healthiest for me and my own little family of three and took the necessary steps to keep us all emotionally sane.

So, Happy Father’s Day to all of the amazing dads out there! There are so many more awesome dads than not, and all of you lucky people who have one? Go give him an extra tight hug. He’s earned it.

PS: I understand some of you will disagree with me/my decisions, but that is the beauty of your life versus mine. You get to live yours. I get to live mine. We both get to make decisions that are best for us, in our own life, because we walk that path every day and know what is best for our mental, emotional, and physical health. We know our past and we know what will give us a better future, versus only getting a glimpse into someone’s world and judging their decisions based on a tiny snapshot.

choices. hurt.

Did you ever feel like your life had reached a point where you are at a seemingly sudden crossroads?  And once you see it, there is nothing you can do to stop it?  The train’s coming and it’s either going to see you and stop or its going to run you right over.  Changing tracks is not an option.

But what if you had the power to choose?  Destiny is staring at you in the face.  Daring you to go in one direction or the other.  It isn’t often destiny gives us this blatant warning.  Maybe we just don’t always see it.

What would you pick?  Let the train stop and allow you to continue on, no harm, no foul…or let it hit you, full force, and experience the bone jarring contact that shakes you to the core?

The contact that makes you change.  It changes your life.  It throws you on an entirely new path.  But change is hard.  And it can hurt.

The catalyst?  A few simple words and you’ll send that train right through you.

I don’t know what to choose.


this is where you ask those burning questions

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