Posts Tagged 'change'

coffee makes me crazy

Y’all….and I don’t even like to say y’all, even though I’m from Georgia…but I just can’t get on board…anyway Y’ALL.

Coffee makes me crazy.

I mean, I love it, don’t get me wrong, but it literally makes me so jumpy and high strung feeing that I know it’s probably not the best idea. It even makes me feel agitated sometimes. Or it makes me feel like I need to bedoingeverythingallatonceatthesametimerightnow.

So, as much as I love it, I don’t love it. 

I have also learned that if I get so dependent on it that if I stop, it results in a migraine. Also no bueno.

When I totally stopped drinking coffee, I realized that I actually felt more awake in the morning without my brain thinking it needed the caffeine. A shower was enough and I was bright eyed and bushy tailed.

But…I love coffee. Inset sadface slash perplexed face slash I don’t know what to do face because COFFEE.

I started drinking it again recently…but now that I have, I am remembering why I stopped.

Hello jitters.

It doesn’t even matter if I do the mocha thing where the cocoa is supposed to counteract the crazy. 

It doesn’t work.

I am super sensitive to caffeine and hormones and alcohol and all things addictive.

So, I am learning as I get older (and maybe sometimes wiser), that I don’t need to partake in those things often because they lead to crazy. I mean, there is nothing I can really do about the hormones. Those are coming every month, like it or not, watch out Tim.

I am also learning that I get anxious easily, so I am trying to find ways to calm that. I read this thing about high functioning anxiety and I was just like, wow. I may not have an actual anxiety disorder but I certainly have anxiety revolving around the desire to control my environment and if I don’t learn to calm it, it could become one, I suppose.

I guess I am trying to be more introspective to learn my triggers and understand what makes me react or get upset or whatnot so I can try to stop the foot in mouth disease that I have. 

And if I do have a negative reaction that was uncalled for, I am trying to go and apologize for it and say I handled it wrong and I was just frustrated/upset….label whatever the feeling was…both for me and for the other person. I know I cannot take back my words or my reaction, but I can at least own it and show that I see it and admit I could have handled it better. Hopefully I will be able to stop the reaction first the more I work on it…but I figure I have to start somewhere.

I hope this shows a healthy way to handle these types of things. I want to be a good example and teach the right way to deal with emotions. I am not perfect at it but I am at the point I want to try and to change and to be better, seeing that it’s not everybody else, it’s me. I’m in control.

Ugh coffee. Making me jittery and introspective all at the same time. You are so delicious….yet confusing!


resolution to be a shiny happy person

I’m actually really ready for 2014. 2013 was nice and all…but it wasn’t a banner year, that’s for sure. Not saying it was terrible. It just wasn’t a year I will look back on like, “WOW!” Even though I turned 30. And visited San Diego. And Portland (and Bend! Oh how I loved Bend!). And had a whole myriad of other things happen. It just wasn’t my year. I like even years. I have no idea why. I’m really excited for 2014. I’m ready.

I’ve been (kind of) trying to actively work on what I’m about to say for a little while. Maybe a few months at most. However, it is something that I really want to achieve. More than anything. And in order to achieve it, I have many, many hurdles to overcome.

My “goal” (or resolution or whatever you want to call it) for this year is to become a happy, positive person. The kind of person who probably annoys others because they’re always finding the silver lining in even the worst situations. I feel like I used to be more like this, but alas, I am older, more skeptical, and seemingly surrounded by realists who tend to find the potential disaster before the positive outcome, so my goal will be an uphill battle at times. This isn’t to blame anyone, it just is what it is. Everyone seems to be going crazy and the internet is full of snark. It is just something I have to learn to understand and not allow to dampen my spirit. I tend to be heavily affected by the moods of others and I need to train myself to keep my mood/positive outlook intact instead of it crumbling when I hear how it’s not possible or it is silly to consider the brighter (“unrealistic”) side when the world is so obviously negative. None of this is to say I am an unhappy person. I am just not exactly who I want to be in the positivity department. I need that to change. So, I’m going to try like hell to change it.

I’m not even sure how I am going to make this change. I’ve been collecting positive quotes on Pintrest and have been considering putting up positive quote posters (of some variation) in rooms around the house to remind me to keep my head in the positive space instead of allowing negativity to sit and brew in my brain. Negativity breeds like freaking rabbits and makes things exponentially more dramatic and worse than they really are in the first place (that sentence doesn’t sound right, but I had wine prior to editing. This is not at all suggested when trying to sound serious and/or like you know what you’re talking about).

If something negative does happen, I want to deal with it, feel the emotion, and then let it go, instead of stewing and holding into it.

I’m also going to start running on the regular again, since that always puts me in a good mood, even when I struggle getting out of the door sometimes. It’s worth it. Kellan really enjoys “rundy dundin'”

I need this change for myself. I need it for Kellan. And for Tim. I want them to know that life is happy and fun and amazing. I want to radiate that mindset and lifestyle.

Even though bad things happen, I don’t want Kellan to become a cynic. He is such a joyful little boy who finds laughter in all things. The last thing I want to do is dampen his precious spirit. He deserves happiness. And I am determined to be that for him. And Tim.

And me.

I have A LOT of personal growth ahead of me. I’m excited. And kind of scared.

Happy 2014.

The Year of Inner Change.

this is where you ask those burning questions

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