news I did not want but had to have

It’s been news I have been waiting on…news I didn’t want but knew was coming.

And it came today.

A very dear friend of mine passed away from ALS. A friend I have known since I was three. She was part of the church group of friends I grew up with and spent so much time with and had so many memories with…even though we didn’t keep in touch on a daily basis as we got older, any time a big event occurred for one of us, we all would always rejoin and be there for each other and get along like no time had passed.

The last get together was about three years ago when we went back home and my mom threw a party for me because I was being inducted into my college sports hall of fame for basketball.

She was there…all of my friends from that group were there. It was right before she was diagnosed.

The years following she was there for me when we went through our trauma with baby bista. She sent a daily devotional book with my mom when she came to visit to give to me. She prayed for peace for our family and asked we do the same for hers.

I tried to do special things for her. Little things. I sent letters to her boys from the North Pole from Santa at Christmas. I sent them valentines from Loveland. I made her a photo album with old pictures of all kinds of memories and funny post it’s on each photo and mailed it to her. I would send her random texts, like a picture of the Rocky Mountains when we were visiting Colorado. Or a rainbow over our house one day. 

A few days ago I sent her sister a letter with lots of fun memories…and they read it to my friend…I knew I needed to send it. Something kept tugging at me to write it. So I did…and I am so glad I did. My mom told me they read it to her in the hospital and thought it was so special…they appreciated it so much. But ugh….to have to go through this. It’s so hard.

My friend was one of the first people I told about baby bista. Really I think my mom told her first, but I emailed her about it all and told her how I felt and all of those things. 

I felt so vulnerable. I felt empty. I had this constant pit in my stomach that resulted in me never feeling hungry. All I wanted was to be physically close to Tim and Kellan and didn’t want to be alone.

All of the same feelings I feel now.

I know these feelings. I hate them, but I know them. I know what they are and I know I actually have to allow myself to feel them even though they make me anxious and on edge all the time.

I don’t enjoy having to go through them….though I don’t really think anyone enjoys it.

It seems like we are just going through a rough patch. It happens, I know it does. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows, but I am ready for a string of rainbows. I am ready for it not to rain so much. I don’t want to feel anxious about everyday things just because I’m struggling to get through this grief process.

I am so thankful to have two littles who are so happy and funny and bring so much joy. They force me to live in the present and that is such an important thing for me to do. To focus on the here and now.

I remember when we were going through the baby bista stuff, I had a different friend who I would email all kinds of things…just to get it out…and she was amazing. She would email me back and ask questions and be supportive. I would look forward to her emails almost every night around 1am when I had to take second shift to feed baby bista. They were my lifeline. They helped me so much. Every single day was a struggle but she kept me grounded.

I needed something to anchor me, like I do now. I needed to get it out because I was beyond traumatized. I felt so hollow. I felt like my whole world came crashing down. 

It is so hard to go through these things and understand the “why” as it applies to your life.

I feel like the why in this instance is for me and Tim to change direction on the path we have been going down. Not communicating well. Not expressing when we feel hurt by the other. Not appreciating one another and not enjoying life together as we should. 

We already had a long talk about it over the weekend. We already made plans as to how to get better and work on our relationship.

And though all of this is good and positive, going through this moment is still very, very hard. 

I don’t like the pit in my stomach. I don’t like feeling so anxious and afraid.

(I do think some of this anxious feelings are being exacerbated by postpartum hormonal shifts…and I know I’m having them because my deodorant stopped working. I learned that fun telltale sign from postpartum with Kellan)

I know the things I need to do to help myself heal, like write and lean on Tim and allow myself to feel sad. 

But it just really sucks. There is no other way to slice it.

It sucks.


5 Responses to “news I did not want but had to have”

  1. 1 lucindalines May 1, 2017 at 7:59 pm

    Oh Jessica I am so glad you shared this. I have thought of you often when you were missing from the blog world. I am so sad for the loss you speak of and pray God brings you healing in many ways, and I am glad you shared those memories with your friend and her family. May God be with and comfort you all.

  2. 3 Lisa Fulcher May 2, 2017 at 3:09 pm

    Jessica, I have thought about you and your precious family so often. Please know that you are in my prayers and your words above has touched me so. I love following your precious son, as he becomes a little actor. We love and miss you. Lisa

  3. 5 sunshinysa May 23, 2018 at 11:45 pm

    I can’t like this.
    I will however say… Losing people who have touched lives ABSOLUTELY suck. I have been through it too many times.

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