it’s not what i thought it was

Tim and I went back and read through a bunch of my old blogs….man I was a know nothing punk kid! Legit what in the world? No words…I mean I guess it’s all a process but I really thought I was something, huh?

I know better now. I have no idea what I’m doing and I have no problem admitting that. 

Kids will do that to you. Bring you to your breaking point and then a second later make you laugh. You realize that nothing is really as big of a deal as you thought. Life really isn’t that serious and those things I thought were super important? Like OMG I need to match and I have to have makeup on always and if I’m going to send out a letter you better be damn well sure that stamp is 100% straight (sorry Mase…all those wedding RSVP envelopes you spent hours on…now that I think about it, as hell bent as I was on making sure you made sure the stamps were perfect becauussse…..they were coming right back to me? I mean really, self. Did I even care about the placement of the stamps? No. No I did not.)

All those things…are they really soooooooooooooooo serious??

No.

They’re not.

And when I read back through some of the things that mortified me?

Hysterical.

All the things I thought I was going to be and do after having Kellan??

Bwahahahahahhahahaha

None of it happened. Not a one.

Also? Having kids means F makeup and cute outfits. Did I shower? Are my clothes clean? Double check? 

Then we are having ourselves an excellent day.

So, back to whatever I was saying….oh! …I’m realizing now that wisdom is really learning to be comfortable with your “plans” never working out. Wisdom is letting go. Not allowing silly, trivial things to ruin a day. Being okay with  being present in the moment instead of trying to plan the next one. Saying what you think instead of being worried about what someone might think of what you have to say.

Wisdom.

It’s not what I thought it meant when I was a punk kid. It is not knowing everything.

It’s realizing that you know nothing.

I mean of course we all know stuff. That isn’t the point of wisdom. It’s more than that. A wise person…they understand. I don’t think I’m far enough in my wiseness to properly explain…

Anyhow. What I have realized is important are family and friends. We are sorely lacking in that department.

Sorely lacking.

So much family drama has left that circle really small. I keep having dreams of reconciliation – probably because I know how much everyone is missing.

I purposely have no spoken to or allowed my dad into my life for….probably a little over 7 years? We didn’t even give him our address when we moved. There are a myriad of reasons…but it boils down to how I was treated growing up and his life choices and me not wanting that kind of influence on any children Tim and I had. Not during the formative years.

…so he got my address over Christmas because I had to send one of my brother’s Christmas gifts there and I didn’t really think about our address being on the box.

Guess I should have known better.

One that it would be there and two that’d he’d find it.

He sent me a birthday card. 

First one in years.

I was just like….welp. Here we go again.

Part of me feels like I should respond? But the other part of me doesn’t want to open any doors or windows or cracks of any kind.

Then the wisdom comes in my brain. Not that it’s telling me I should be 100% on board with reconciling, but it does say that I should clear the air. Say what I mean and be honest. Whether or not he agrees or cares or does anything about it has nothing to do with me. I can’t change anyone, nor should I try. I should just be honest and then let things fall where they may.

I feel like that is what Tim and I both need to do with our respective family issues.

Clear the air.

Be honest.

And then whatever happens…happens. I really do not think we will be any better or worse off than we are now. 

It will just be as it should. Whatever that means.

Wisdom tells me that 

Let go. 

Say what you mean.

Be present with the ones you love.

I’m totally rambling and need to just stop because where was I even going with this?

I have no idea. I’m wise enough to admit that.

(See how I kind of went full circle? Maybe 3/4 circle?)

(I crack myself up sometimes)

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4 Responses to “it’s not what i thought it was”


  1. 1 lucindalines February 5, 2017 at 11:46 pm

    You spoke from the heart and that is all any of us can do, and I love the blog to let that all out. It seems sometimes like a safer spot to be that honest, to be that free with your feelings. Yes, it is an open sometimes very public area, and if you are anything like me, I prefer the people I have “met” on the blog from miles and miles away to read and respond over the people that live in my hometown or inner circle. I keep having to watch my posts because of that, and find that commenting on other blogs is easier, safer, more anonymous. Again, thank you for just sharing your feelings and never stop being honest. I think we so often fail to communicate our real feelings, and that is when relationships really suffer. Take care!!

  2. 2 Sanibel February 6, 2017 at 9:00 am

    Not that your story and our story with “Rebecca” is the same but I understand the family fall out feeling. I have come to accept it over the years. I have come to realize it isn’t worth pushing for something that isn’t there or isn’t meant to be. I have come to peace with it. Family doesn’t have to be blood, it is who is there for you at the darkest times. I learned that with both her and my divorce and now I’m relearning that again. It is ever evolving. Yea, we think we know so much in our early years. Kids have a way of smacking you with reality and I’m okay with that. I can go to the store covered in her puke and probably puke for pedialyte and give zero fucks:)

  3. 3 PJ March 12, 2017 at 6:00 pm

    I’m a little late – but welcome back to the blog world! I’ve missed you and am glad to see that your break did you some good.

    It’s so weird to look back on yourself and realize how little you really knew and how much you wish you would have done things differently. But I guess that’s all part of the learning and growing process.

    • 4 Jessica March 16, 2017 at 3:36 pm

      Thank you! It is weird…and it’s weird that I finally understand why my mom was always telling me she was still a kid even though she was my mom. I’m now that mom to kellan 😉


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