Remember the other day? Week? Whenever it was that I wrote about friends being hard?
It ultimately ended in a legitimate friend break up. Like, cut and dry kind of thing. It was weird and awkward and strange.
I was the initiator. Not the victim. Or however you want to phrase it. I was the one who probably really hurt someone’s feelings. Me. I made someone feel bad. Probably. I don’t actually know for sure, considering the response was one sentence and then I was de-friended everywhere. Completely understandable and expected, though. I would have done the same thing. Probably.
Let me just say that I have never – in my 30 (that actually physically hurts to type that number) years of life – “broken up” with a friend that abruptly. Usually, things just kind of faded into the background and then one day, we weren’t friends anymore. That’s how it has always happened.
Except this time.
Granted, I was not the only one with input in the decision, but I was still part of the process.
Can I be any more vague?
This is what happens when people you know and see in real life read your blog. You have to dance.
Anyhow, the whole point I’m not really making is that I’m not sure why it is still bothering me. It’s not like I wasn’t aware of what the outcome would be. I was.
I think that what I wanted to say to this person is that I’m sorry that I hurt their feelings. I don’t like doing that to anyone, ever. I don’t expect them to like me or talk to me or communicate in any way with me. I am just…sorry. The whole thing got a little convoluted and confusing and, like I said earlier, awkward. The end result is what it is and I am at peace with that. The part I haven’t been okay with is where I failed to be empathetic or sympathetic in any way. I understand that “breakups” aren’t usually very nice and that one party may end up feeling like they’re left holding onto pieces of the relationship that they thought they were trying to put together with the other person, when, in reality, that wasn’t at all what was happening. That’s the part where my empathy and sympathy were lacking. It’s like I was just standing there, watching it all unfold and not saying a single word the whole time. Silent. Expressionless.
This person may actually hate me or strongly dislike me or, on the flip side, have absolutely zero feelings about it and is going on with their life completely unaffected. I have no idea.
All I know is that, at the time of the actual breakup, I should have said that I was sorry for knowingly hurting their feelings.
And I didn’t do that.