Maybe I don’t know how to be a friend. It has been so long since I’ve had actual friends in my day-to-day life that maybe I’ve forgotten the rules.
Are there rules?
I intentionally sought out mom friends so Kellan could have kids close in age to play with, versus me being the be all, end all of playmates. And wouldn’t you know it? I actually found other moms who wanted to be my friend. Me. MY friend. This was kind of shocking, because I had been without friends for so long that I thought maybe I was damaged in that department somehow.
I had more or less acquaintances for a long time, starting in college and running through the point I had Kellan. I really didn’t allow myself to become close with anyone, though there were those who tried, and in hindsight, I feel bad for not reciprocating,
Anyhow, now, I made an effort and actually have friends. And sometimes I have no idea what to do. The friends I have are all very different from each other, and I really love that. I love their uniqueness.
But, mom friends are hard to understand. Sometimes I don’t know how much of myself I should give. I cannot figure out how close of a friend they want to be. I don’t want to open myself up and then realize I shouldn’t have. I’m so not that girl with a million friends, the girl everyone wants to be friends with, the one who seems to be able to easily navigate the challenges and needs of all of her friends without batting an eye.
I am the girl who struggles to even find a friend, and then worries about how much of a friend they want to be…or how much effort I should put in if I really want to be their friend but am not sure if the feeling is mutual.
Do you see what kind of spiral this turns into?! Sigh, self. Get a grip. Sometimes I wish a female brain wasn’t so inclined to try to read into and obsess over every little thing. It’s not like it happens intentionally. My brain just starts wondering and then all of a sudden, I’m in that place where all the whys and what ifs consolidate and make me crazy.
This all feels so high school to me. Maybe because that’s really the last time I had multiple friends, leaving my friend ability and knowledge stuck in high school, right next to my locker where I stand and wait and hope for someone to wave at me and say hello.
This really is why I have had zero day-to-day friends for so long. I’m too guarded. I have to let the walls down….be free! Or something.
Again, I have no idea.
I’d really love to be more eloquent with all of this, but we are currently in the whine about EVERYTHING stage, so my brain is fried. And when I say EVERYTHING, I mean everything. Getting dressed, getting undressed, eating, not eating, going outside to play, getting in the car, getting out of the car, playing with toys….it’s beyond exhausting. When does it end????????