Some days….I feel like I’m doing it all right.
Other days……eh. What am I even doing?!
Lately, it’s been like a bombardment of notifications about people having their second child. I saw one just via Facebook yesterday from someone who has a child a week younger than Kellan. Baby two. On the way.
We aren’t even there yet, people.
I want to want another kid. I do. I really, really do. I think about it almost every day. It frustrates me. It bothers me. Is something wrong with me?? Why do I not have some overwhelming desire for baby two? Aren’t my ovaries supposed to be yelling at me to procreate or something? Where is their megaphone?
I try to look into the future and “picture” our family. When I do, I feel like I see two kids. I feel like I see Kellan with a younger sibling.
Then, snap back to reality (oops, there goes gravity) and I’m like AM I SMOKING CRACK?! I don’t want to do this again. This is hard. I already struggle. I barely and rarely have a minute to myself.
I’ve tried to convince myself to stop thinking about it. To wait another year and see how I (we) feel. There is part of me that just knows – for whatever reason – that right now is not the right time. Call it my maternal instinct or sixth sense or whatever. But I am certain that now is not good. It’s not right. Whoever the next little person is that may come into our life is not ready to be here, yet. And I’m not ready for them, either, so really, it all works out.
And then the little voice says, “But what if you’re never ready?”
The circle continues.