30 days…

I’ve decided to participate in the 30 Days of Thankfulness this month. I’m not entirely sure where it started but that’s neither here nor there.

My day one, which I didn’t share yesterday, was this:

1. I am thankful for the ability to run. “Running is one the best solutions to a clear mind.” Sasha Azevedo

Today, I am thankful for Tim’s never ending sense of humor. Appropriate, inappropriate, all of it. He makes me laugh even when I don’t want to, which is the best kind of laughter sometimes…exactly what you need…though you don’t realize it until after you’re laughing.  “You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.” Bill Cosby

I am trying to make a point of being less detached from everything and instead jumping right in and feeling the emotions in the moment (versus not realizing how I feel about a particular situation until later, when I’ve had time to stew or ponder or dissect). It is much harder than I thought and I’m still much better at figuring out how I *really* feel after the moment has already passed.

I suck in arguments because of this.

During an argument, I basically sit there, staring at the other person going off and making all kinds of zingers while I’m desperately trying to find the words but can’t because I don’t even know what they are yet, since I have no idea what I want to say in the first place. Give me half an hour and I’ll have a much better retort that doesn’t sound like I’m sputtering inaudible consonant sounds, like you hear me doing now.

I hate arguments because of my inability to argue.

This is much of the reason I write. This is how I figure out my emotions and how I feel about something. I’ll just start writing and by the end of it, I’ll have figured it out. I’ll know how I feel, even though while I’m writing I’m not thinking about what I want to say. It just flows out…there is no stopping it. I don’t plan or think.

I just write.

When I’m given constraints or a DON’T WRITE ABOUT “X” —- it kills the emotion and shoves it farther back into the recesses of my brain and I have a much harder time getting it out again. Many times, I just write things and then email them to myself…no one else reads them but it makes me feel better to know I got it out. I couldn’t say – literally – the same thing on a whim like I can write it. My head gets fuzzy and thoughts get jumbled and it doesn’t work the same way.

Tomorrow…I should probably be thankful for the ability to write.

Just a hunch.


3 Responses to “30 days…”

  1. 1 Azara November 2, 2012 at 8:56 am

    This is why I switched to a completely anonymous blog: so I could just write, with no constraints or worries about damaging in-person relationships. It’s been awesome.

  2. 2 hiddinsight November 2, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Ha. You sound like me. I agree: that’s also why I have taken to writing…there is time to formulate!

  3. 3 jobo November 2, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    I love this project. I have been doing it on and off for a few weeks. and um, so interesting, I didn’t know you were the type to need to process first, react later. SO interesting friend!

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