i am who i am

There was a time (read: my freshman year, between weeks one and maybe four) in college when I REALLY wanted to be in a sorority. I wanted to break out of my little shy shell and try to be more outgoing and fun and RAH! RAH! (I really have no idea if that’s what happened in sororities).

So, what’s a girl who wants to bust out of her shell do during her first few weeks in college?

RUSH.

I went to a small school and there were only three different sororities, so choices were slim. I knew which one I *really* wanted to be in, which one I would be happy in and which one I definitely didn’t want to be part of.

Apparently, I was not at all prepared for what I was supposed to do during these “meet and greet” things with each sorority (I feel like I write ororororo too many times with that word). I mean, talk about pressure.

I had one night for about thirty minutes to try and impress the person, who was already in the sorority that you are randomly buddied up with, enough to suggest I be invited back for round two.

(I can’t seem to make that sentence make sense…you get what I’m trying to say…)

That whole small talk, “Pick me I’m awesome!” situation didn’t go very well for me.

The first person in the sorority I *really* wanted to be in didn’t really seem to click with me or maybe I didn’t click with her. I don’t know. There was a lot of awkward silence. And that’s not a good thing – FYI.

In the second sorority meet and greet, the sorority I would be happy with but wasn’t my first choice, the person I was buddied up with was all, “Technically, I’m on probation so my opinion doesn’t exactly count when it comes to bringing in new members.”

Grrrrreat.

I remember mostly nothing about the third sorority – one because I wasn’t really interested in even being there but had to (if you rushed, you had to go to all three the first night…I think…or so I remember…maybe I’m remembering wrong and didn’t even have to go…I digress) and two because I was already so defeated from what happened in the other two that I was just…wiped. Drained. Defeated.

The next step?

We had to wait to see if we got a slip of paper in an envelope on our dorm door with the name of each sorority (if any) that wanted to see you again the next night.

Go ahead. Guess which ones *I* was invited back to?

Yup.

The third one.

And only the third one.

Punch right to the gut.

It’s like “Welcome to college!!” annnnnnnd rejection!

They really should plan that part better. I mean, who wants to go to class when the sororities you wanted to be part of just rejected you?

When half the basketball team was already in – or accepted into – the sorority you wanted to be in?

When a member of that same sorority is also your peer mentor in your college 101 class?

FAIL.

You can imagine I just crawled right back into my little shy shell and stayed there, all throughout college. I went to class. I went to practice. I was quiet and nice and was again known for the same things as I was in high school. I was ‘the basketball player.’ The quiet basketball player that no one *really* knew.

I am still sometimes bothered about that whole experience – and by whole I mean more than my complete crash and burn when it came to RUSH. Do I think that had I actually been *in* a sorority that I would have come out of my shell?

Probably.

Would I have better learned to make and keep friends that were girls?

Probably.

Am I bitter?

Not really.

It has taken me this long to actually come out of that shell and say to hell with anyone who decides they don’t want to be my friend or they don’t want me in their little circle. I’m ok with that because, hello. I was rejected from little circles already once and there is not a more public feeling of rejection than the one that comes with sorority selection. Or lack thereof.

So, I’m probably a stronger person when it comes to being “rejected” so to speak (I know rushing isn’t technically REJECTION – but it certainly feels like that when you’re on the outside, looking in) and I am also less afraid to put myself out there – the real “me” – than I was in college. I think that came with inner growth and maturity and realizing that I mean, really, what is there to lose in the grand scheme of things?

Nothing.

In my college brain, after getting the shun from the sororities, I figured you can’t lose if you don’t play, right?

But you can’t win, either.

So, I finally decided to play instead of sit on the sidelines.

Shy girl has gone by the wayside. Finally.

And if you like my dry sarcasm, goofiness, and general lack of brain-to-mouth filter?

Awesome.

If not?

……..your….loss?

PS: Buffness still in action. Did a late afternoon run with Tim and Kellan yesterday and planning to do another today as well. It is FREEZING in the morning (20s), so….yah.

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1 Response to “i am who i am”


  1. 1 PJ October 7, 2012 at 11:10 pm

    I was complete opposite – I wanted nothing to do with the sorority scene; but, my roommate really wanted in – and so I went with her to the rush events, and they all wanted me and they all wanted me, not her.


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