neighbor wife: 10 me: 0

***Obligatory “please vote for Kellan by clicking here” header***

So…..the other week, Tim was out of town and I came home to THIS:


Because of course a bird decides to drop dead on our walkway and get all rigamortisy while Tim – the one who deals with all dead things – is gone.

Of course.

I called our county to make sure they didn’t need to come look at it or study it or whatever it is they *do* with dead aviary creatures.

They didn’t.

In fact, they were all, “One bird? Eh. Could be natural causes. FIVE birds? CALL US BACK.”

You guys.

If I saw five dead birds on my walkway???

There would be zero thought process other than to haul ass outta there and call the FBI. Or the CIA. Or someone important. Whoever the important people are who yellow tape off the house and remove all carcasses and subsequent diseases and after effects.

Lots of dead birds in a single location = freaky and apocalyptic.

And I’m not dealing with that.

That’s what the yellow tape people are for.

Anyway, back to my single, “no big deal” dead bird.

I came home from a play date with Kellan and see this thing and I’m all, “REALLY? NOW?”

After realizing the county was not going to help me (i.e. remove the bird), I texted (if that’s not a verb, then I…text?) our super nice neighbors all, “HALP! DEAD BIRD!”

I think I actually said something much more sane like, “I need help (from the husband) (if it’s ok with the wife) with this dead bird. I can provide the tools but I can’t do *the deed*”

Neighbor wife texts back all, “Husband is out of town. I’ll be over after work.”


Two chicks and a dead bird (ha…punny).

I took our trash can out and set it near the thing (EW EW EW) along with a shovel (EW) and a trash bag (EW) and then waited for neighbor wife to come over.

And then about an hour later I get a text from neighbor wife all, “The deed is done.”

The huh?

The deed is done as in, if I had a man card, it would have been permanently revoked.

Neighbor wife walked over and did all of the work herself, completely unbeknownst to me, including the task of pall bearer, a la dragging our trash can, that was now the (almost) final resting place of the bird, to the side of the road (EW). Thank you, trash day being the next day. Nice timing, dead bird, because OMG if you had to sit inside a trash can for a week (GAG).

Neighbor wife: 10

Me: 0


4 Responses to “neighbor wife: 10 me: 0”

  1. 1 bevchen September 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Neighbour wife ROCKS!!

  2. 2 Brit September 17, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    At least you didn’t witness it die! I was home when a bird flew into the living room window scaring the crap out of me. I found it on the ground twitching before it died. Complete freakout! The rest went pretty much like your story. I freaked out, called people who didn’t care at all and then found someone else to bag it and put it in the garbage per the instructions on the phone.

    So not liking the spider picture though. Not at all. =O!!!

  1. 1 bird murderer! | booshy Trackback on May 23, 2013 at 12:30 pm

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