reset button

That’s exactly what I needed on Wednesday.

And Thursday.

I’m not really sure why…but by noon I just felt completely wiped, burnt, overwhelmed and near tears.

Nothing had happened by the end of Wednesday, really. Kellan wasn’t any more difficult or upset or clingy. I guess I just reached the end of my rope and was being dragged haphazardly by whatever force pulling it versus me taking control and carrying it myself.

Then Wednesday night happened. No sleep. Constant need to be on my boob, literally attached to me.

That carried into Thursday, by far the most challenging day I’ve had with Kellan. Super clingy, crying, nothing seemed to console him for very long and naps? Ha. What naps?

After five months of no extended sleep, a constant need from another tiny person, being drained of all my energy
and having close to zero downtime/time to myself/time to decompress I hit a wall.

And that wall was solid brick, steel reinforced…I’m not even sure if that kind of wall exists but my mental self would argue otherwise.

It’s hard to find a balance with getting a reprieve because I struggle with asking Tim to take on more baby duties when he comes home from work. I mean, the man gets up at 4-something, leaves by 5-something and rarely gets home before 4:30-5 every day. My asking him to take Kellan for the rest of the evening or take a night shift or both seem a bit much.

I realize my “job” is 24/7 but his job pays the bills, and I’d rather not live in a cardboard box, so….

Where is the balance?

I have no idea.

Somewhere between insane and a round room with padded walls, probably.

This will get easier when I get a break during the day when Kellan will nap BY HIMSELF but we aren’t there yet.

[i wrote all of that between Wednesday and Thursday. And then this happened]

And…just as I’m at my absolute wits end?

A lifeline. A little rubber dingy tossed out into my sea of sleepless despair.

An old friend posted something on my wall on Facebook.

The reset button I’ve been desperately searching for.

Warning: if you’re a mom and/or if you are even *slightly* hormonal, you will cry reading this.

Thank you so much, Tia. You have no idea (well, maybe you do) how much I needed that today. It was exactly what my mind, body and soul needed to hear.


3 Responses to “reset button”

  1. 1 shannon July 20, 2012 at 10:10 am

    I love honest Toddler. It is heartfelt, true and funnier than shit. I wish I could give you a break for a few hours to yourself. Hang in there. If one day at a time doesn’t work then try one hour at a time:)

  2. 2 Julia July 20, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    love you lady

  3. 3 Cindy July 20, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Ok, that made me bawl. Thanks a lot! 😉

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