I’m just going to say it right now: I was NOT one of those “natural” moms who just *got it* right from the word PUSH!
I had no idea what to do with this tiny little person who had just been expelled from my uterus. I knew he needed to eat and I knew he needed comfort and I knew he was now my sole responsibility but……HOW?!
A new friend was telling me the other day that she was home from the midwifery within four hours (!!!!!!!!!) of giving birth. I was all, “Weren’t you scared?!” And she was like, “Nope.”
don’t think know I wouldn’t have been ok going home within four hours. I think at the two-hour mark I was on the toilet with a nurse and smelling salts alcohol swab because they couldn’t find the salt because I was literally about to pass out and then a few hours after that? I don’t exactly remember where I was but I know it wouldn’t have been – in my wildest imagination – in a car headed home with a helpless little baby.
Had anyone asked me to do that I would have looked at them all, “YOU MUST BE CRAZY.”
I actually needed those two days “in the bubble” (aka the hospital) to figure out the whole mommy thing…and I *still* didn’t really get it until about a week or so after I got home. Thank goodness my mom was there to help me because had she not been?
Psychiatric Ward. Round room. Padded walls.
I was not prepared for the adjustment. I kept thinking over and over, “I have to care for him…every single day…twenty-four hours a day…for THE REST OF MY LIFE”
I understand now that it isn’t really *that* dramatic but at the time that one thought was beyond daunting…beyond scary…I was in waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over my head and had no idea what to do other than keep the tiny person alive.
So I did that.
One day after the next.
And the next.
And the next.
And the next.
I found my groove and instead of being afraid or scared I actually started enjoying every day with Kellan. Every day was an adventure and was fun and filled with something to do. Granted, this whole “fun” business started after I began making other mom friends and started going out and doing things – even if (OMG OMG OMG) Kellan had a meltdown.
Meltdowns now are just that. Meltdowns. There isn’t much I can do about them except deal with it in the moment. Like today, for instance, total and complete meltdown at his first pool time experience because he was exhausted and wanted to go home. I’m talking full on screaming at the top of his lungs.
I changed his diaper, put him in some dry clothes and went about the process of packing up and heading home without batting an eyelash.
It is what it is and he’s going to do what he’s going to do.
And that’s that.
Now, put me in that same situation one week home from the hospital and every body would have left the pool in tears.
So, to anyone who didn’t *get it* right away and struggled in the beginning and felt like a complete failure/idiot/piss poor excuse for a mom, guess what?
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
It is totally, 100% ok to feel that way and to not be Super Mom right from the start (nothing against you natural born, not scared for a second, I got this mom thing even though I’ve never done it before, moms). Some of us just need a little bit to figure things out, catch our breath and get into the mommy groove.
Once we do?
There is no stopping us.