it’s nothing personal

Uuuugggggghhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ok. Now that I got that out….let’s talk about what that’s really about.

After you have a baby…your marriage takes a ginormous backseat.

At least this is what happened in my experience.

The life of phone calls just to say hi, ‘I love you’s’ after everything, lingering kisses and long talks morphs – overnight – into: gI’ve me the quick and dirty version all I want is the most pertinent information here’s a quick peck on the cheek I have to go, the baby is crying.

Your brain and your body is in a constant state of distraction and motion. There is always something to do and something to think about and something else to think about to try to remember to do at some point in the future (which may or may not ever happen, despite your best efforts, hello bag of dirty diapers that never made it to the trash)

The worst part?

Hubba bubba time.

(I was going to call it hubba hubba time but it autocorrected and that just sounded way better. Thank you, Apple…?)

More accurately, intimacy on all levels.

The hubba bubba time hasn’t happened since…..um…..before Kellan.

Whenever it *did* happen right before Kellan it was pretty much hostage sex with me all, “I need your sperm to soften my cervix!” and Tim all, “I can’t! It’s weird! THERE’S A PERSON IN THERE!” and then I’d shoot back, “And he’s going to STAY IN THERE UNLESS I HAVE YOUR SPERM!”

Completely romantic, right?

Point is, I wish someone would have prepared me for this part of post baby. I have zero percent interest in hubba bubba anything, mostly because the whole idea of doing THAT…with TIM?

WEIRD.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt…since I’ve been wooed and touched – and we’re talking simple things like a hug that’s longer than two seconds and Tim scratching my head or something…holding hands…simple things…it’s been so long that that intimate part of our marriage kind of feels lost. I don’t have those simple things and so the bigger things (hubba bubba) feel really distant and foreign and just…weird.

My entire world right now is diapers and boobies and crying and entertainment and teaching and enrichment with Kellan. I haven’t felt like my “old” self – the self that can look in the mirror and feel pretty or sexy – in a long time. First it was the giant belly and now I’ll look in the mirror and six times out of ten there is a boob hanging out that I forgot to put away.

I’m tired. I feel – and probably look – like I’ve been worn ragged and the intimacy has been lacking for so long that I’m just kind of in a state of autopilot at this point. Intimacy and Tim and me all seem like separate entities that I’m not sure how to link back together again.

Small steps…like I told Tim he needed to woo me again before all the hubba bubba started.

He laughed.

But I was serious.

I don’t think it is the same for him. He’s primed and ready to just hop right back on the horse while I’m still trying to find my old body and get over the idea that the vaj isn’t irreparably broken. And the hormones. OMG. The worst. I need to feel that love and intimacy again before I act on it……..

I’m sure this is all normal…and I know it will get better. I don’t want anyone to think I’m wallowing in a sea of self pity and sadness. I’m not. I’m actually really enjoying Kellan and making new mommy friends. This entire week has been full of activity for Kellan and me, meeting up with other moms for lunches and dinners, play dates and walks in the park.

I guess just a forewarning to those who have yet to have their first child: be prepared to lose a bit of what you had with your significant other for a little while when the baby first arrives. Understand that you’ll be so distracted and tired and worn down that you’ll forget about that part of your relationship where holding hands and being sweet and making the other person feel loved kind of gets shoved to the side.

I wish someone would have prepared me. That’s for sure.

And now the baby is crying….

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7 Responses to “it’s nothing personal”


  1. 1 Jess Sutera May 25, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Aww sending you hugs!! Some of my friends with little ones have gone through this phase as well – and you’re right, it goes back to needing to kickstart the wooing first before the hubba hubba happens again naturally. It’s like a restart on that aspect of the marriage now that roles have morphed and changed so much with the addition of a baby. Hang in there friend, I KNOW you two will be back being “you two” again really soon.

  2. 2 http://lifestartsnow.wordpress.com May 25, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    if you jump on the hubba bubba train again please don’t call each other mommy and daddy πŸ˜‰
    give yourself the time you need and let tim know about your needs. but communication is a two way street so try to get his part of the story also. eventually you’ll be back in the game. and if you are remember contraception. my sister is only 49 weeks older than me, breastfeeding is no adequate birth control, lol.

    by the way, in germany hubba bubba is a bubble gum so uhm, yeah, there are certain images i can’t get out of my head now…..lol

  3. 3 We're Jumpin' May 25, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    I went through this too. It took us a year after our daughter to even think about wooing. saddays I know, but it gets better.. and then everything kinda falls back into place, kinda.

  4. 4 Mrs Loquacious May 26, 2012 at 8:04 am

    I miss the days when HB time was something I looked forward to and craved. It has been replaced, hopefully just temporarily, with my looking forward to nap time and craving coffee πŸ˜‰ I am excited to announce that our first baby-free official date night happens tomorrow. Let’s hope this gets the ball rolling on wooing and a return to sexier times πŸ™‚

  5. 5 jobo May 26, 2012 at 11:08 am

    ((hug)) I think this is actually a lot more normal and common than maybe you think. I agree with Jess, a lot of our friends went through this too and while it sucks and is definitely the opposite of fun, you will get back to that woo-y feeling. Just give yourself some slack, ok? In time. XOXO

  6. 6 lifeandothermisadventures May 26, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    It hasn’t been very long at all – I agree with the above comments and would say that it’s just going to take a little bit of time. Don’t worry too much, and try to be nice to yourself, too. You must be exhausted.

  7. 7 Jeneraa May 26, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    After the first (and second) time having a baby, I cried the first time we had sex. Seriously. It was so much more emotional for me even though it was still with my husband. It was different. Not in a good way or bad way but just different and it was like learning it all over again. Being pregnant this time around I have almost zero desire in anything romantic and it does take a toll on the romance side of it. It will work itself out but don’t get freaked if it takes a while.


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