a sleeper…hit

Yay for blogging motivation (aka YOU)! I feel like I’m one of those TV shows with a cult following but never really *makes it* to mainstream and gets canceled. Like Friday Night Lights. Best show ever.

So…a story for you.

Back since…well, forever…I’ve always been able to express myself better with the written word versus the spoken one. For some reason, even though I type just as fast – if not faster – as I talk, the words tend to flow better when I write. I get kind of stuck and tongue tied when I talk. I mean, actual, coherent words and sentences *do* come out…they just don’t sound as good. The flow I have when I write is missing.

Back in the day, I preferred to write notes to my middle school boyfriends versus actually talk to them.

Granted, I did *speak* to the boys. I just felt more comfortable asking/saying the harder stuff on blue-lined, college rule notebook paper.

Maybe it was a cop out…or immaturity…either way it continued through my adulthood. When it came to the m harder stuff, I wanted to write it out and have someone read it instead of facing then head on, in the moment.

It’s like I felt like I could get my whole point across without being interrupted or forgetting what direction I was trying to go.

Because that’s what would happen to me every. single. time.

I’m terrible in an argument or heated debate. Eventually I’ll mumble something unintelligible, which is probably everything my brain wanted to say in one, fast breath, and the other person will be like, “Was that even English??” And then I’ll be all, “I have no idea. You win.”

I guess my brain doesn’t flow very well in the heat of the moment. It sees colors and waves and those crazy little birds flying over my head in circles…but it doesn’t see words or have forethought or the ability to conjure up a solid defense. All that important stuff will come later, after I’ve already lost.

But give me a minute to write it out and I’ll blast your ass to the wall with a (written) verbal barrage of daggers. Or fluffy, furry baby bunnies. Whichever.

Depends on the conversation.

That was how I liked to handle things. It was safe. Easier. Something I was good at.

Enter pregnancy.

I decided I wanted to be able to express myself more freely…verbally. I didn’t want to leave all of my emotions on the paper. I wanted the person they were meant for the hear them and feel them…see them coming from my mouth and dancing all over my face.

Why did pregnancy do that?

I wanted Kellan to have a good example of how to verbally express his emotions…verbally express things that are uncomfortable, embarrassing or difficult to talk about.

Writing out your feelings is all well and good…but I’ve been learning that talking about and dealing with what is bothering you IN the moment is so, so powerful. SO powerful.

Is it harder that way?

A resounding YES.

Do you feel more satisfaction, more relief, more of a weight lifted off your shoulders when you air it all out in spoken words?

A deep, exhaling, goosefraba Yessssss.

Going to therapy a few years back showed me that. I guess it took having a lasting impact on another human….raising a child…made me want to put it into daily practice.

Except…(yes, I had to go here)…writing is like MY THING. I love, love, love sharing through writing like musicians like sharing through songs. It’s just who I am and to deny myself that is like telling me I could no longer do something athletic and competitive…like running. Granted, I am competing against myself versus another opponent like I did back in my basketball days, but, still. I sweat and I feel accomplished after a long run or a hard run or finishing a race I had trained for months to run.

My body and my psyche need that, live for that, crave that exhausted, sore muscle (in a good way) feeling…just like it does when it comes to writing.

I guess what I’m saying in a really roundabout, circuitous way is that I’m not going away.


9 Responses to “a sleeper…hit”

  1. 1 Shannon May 23, 2012 at 11:55 am

    Can I ditto all of that? That is what writing does for me too. And you are an awesome writer. I’m glad you aren’t going anywhere. RE: your tweet about the accident/starbucks: Yikes!! That would make me shake too!

  2. 2 MP May 23, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    I agree with you 100%. I can express myself so much easier in writing.. and I do lose my train of thought, or my point and just give up. I took a bloggy break and I realized this is what I’m missing .. being able to just express myself, the good / bad / ugly.. and when I’m lucky funny!

  3. 3 Jess Sutera May 23, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    YAY for not going away!! 🙂
    And also — expressing yourself in written vs. verbal form comes easier to me too, way easier. BUT like you said, its the verbal communication, the facing emotions IN the moment that is so important, so hard, but so important to learn to do, even if you don’t do it well, learn to do it. Right??

  4. 4 jobo May 23, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Yay! So glad you are not going away and I love this shift, to saying what you think more than maybe you did pre-pregnancy. It is hard to be upfront sometimes, but it’s almost ALWAYS the best approach!! I am learning to do that too.

  5. 5 Julia May 23, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    YAAAAAAAAAAAY! i didnt want to say anything because it’s totally up to you and i totally understand and respect where you are coming from and your reasons… BUT I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE NOT LEAVING!

    ps. I feel ya on the writing it down. “it” being feelings and expressions. I’m working really hard on it too. it didnt occur to me that i will want my kids to know how to do this…. im glad im practicing!


  6. 6 livinginhebel May 23, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    Glad you’re not going away. 🙂

  7. 7 Papa Guy or Gabba Guy, if your 2 May 23, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    mmm, Friday Night Lights, a show about my “actual” High School in West Texas. I guess I lived it so I don’t care for the fictionalized ver. Mojo was so long ago. Glad your stayin’. but you should consider changing the names. AKT (Awesome Kid Kellan), IT (indestructable Tim), Booshy (Obviously You)
    have fun with it, take care of yourself and the fam.

  8. 8 Casey May 24, 2012 at 8:12 am

    1. Yay! Don’t leave us ever!
    2. I am the same about writing vs. talking. Though my writing is usually not very “smart,” I can actually write very intelligibly… should I choose to do so. When I speak, I basically sound retarded. It’s awesome.

  9. 9 The J85 May 24, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    I’ve nominated you for an award! Check it out here!

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