the state of the vaj

It’s been….entirely too long since I’ve updated anyone on my post-rocketing-a-baby-from-my-bits progress.

And he absolutely rocketed. That isn’t an exaggeration.

So, the positive…I only have about ten pounds to go before I’m back to pre-baby weight. I’ve read that some women hold onto those ten pounds until they stop breastfeeding.

I’m hoping that isn’t my body.

Oh, right. I probably forgot to mention that I gained like, forty pounds.

So much for the desired “I’m only gaining 25-35 pounds.”

Granted, ten pounds or not, my belly is still all sorts of sadface. It’s ah-mazing what almost nine months can do to your abdominal wall (read: zip. zilch. nada). Lately, I’ve been putting Kellan in his crib to talk to his stuffed animal friends while I lay on the floor in his nursery and attempt to fire off a few rounds of reverse crunches and sit-ups.

Some days he cooperates and some days my abs continue on the road to remain flabby.

I’m pretty positive my butt and my thighs are still ginormous. I made small progress the other day when Tim asked if I had lost weight because he thought both looked smaller.

Bonus points to you, dear, whether you were serious or were just trying to make me feel better.

To combat those? Walks with Kellan in the stroller.

I’ve yet to be cleared to run because…………

My ass is still broken.

More accurately, my perineum.

This is the part where it gets into TMI territory. Fair warning.

For whatever reason, the area right before my literal hole where the poop comes out isn’t healing. According to the OB….begin tangent….My OB who I currently want to kick in the teeth because she isn’t helping me. At. All.

After examining my sutures last Friday from the 3rd degree tear and telling me it was still open/not healing I looked at her all, “Well, I have no idea what to do about that.”

And then she looks at me, dead pan serious face all, “Me either.”

Uhhhhhhhhhh……………..what?

To top it all off, her nurse person who weighed me added an extra pound because I was *almost* at a higher number.

You’re supposed to subtract a number. Not add one.

For clothes.

I was not happy.

This was the second time I’d gotten a non-answer about how to deal with my issue down below. The only other words of wisdom she gave me at my six week check up were “No sex” and “No running.”

Awesome.

How about no pooping because that still hurts like a mother. I cry when I even have the slightest urge to go because I know how badly it will hurt when I actually do the deed. It’s like part of the sutures re-rip every single time, regardless of the “softness” of the poo.

(related: Colace doesn’t work for, well, you know. That is unless you’re aiming for harder poo than normal)

And then? It hurts “down there” ALL DAMN DAY.

Sitting after pooping is absolute torture. There is a semi-permanent donut on the chair at the kitchen table where I sit. I have to nurse Kellan lying down because I can’t handle sitting in any position that involves my butt cheeks touching anything.

It’s like my ass aged fifty years in one childbirth.

It’s like my perineum “trauma” – because that’s exactly what it is – has taken away my two most favorite activities: running…and pooping.

(and you thought I was going to say sex)

(you’re all liars if you say you don’t enjoy a good poop)

….end tangent. Kind of.

Point is: I’m currently looking for another OB to get a second opinion and to also switch to because I’m not driving ALL THE WAY INTO DENVER FOR YOU TO TELL ME YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX IT and to come back in another month.

Because time heals all wounds, right?

Fail, OB. Massive, massive fail.

Anyway, I don’t even remember where I was going before that tangent….right. According to my OB, she has no idea why that part isn’t healing and I should just rub a whole bunch of A&D ointment on it because, obviously, diaper rash team will do the trick.

Choke me with a Cheerio. Gag me with a Fruit Loop.

I had no idea the recovery phase would take so long.

It’s extremely upsetting because I figured I’d be off and running by now. That was my fail safe weight loss ka-blam!

My perineum has taken away, or at least delayed, the ka-blam! potential.

And that is no bueno.

I’m afraid of a subsequent childbirth and third degree tearing incident. I’d rather not lose the capability to “hold it” and have poo literally falling out of my hiney.

Hiney is way more appropriate than my other option with a two month old in the house.

Just sayin.

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12 Responses to “the state of the vaj”


  1. 1 Joann May 3, 2012 at 9:28 am

    I think you need to get a second opinion. I would say a proctologist is in order. I mean, seeing an ass man would probably help, or not, but dang I have a lot of pity for you!

  2. 2 Shannon May 3, 2012 at 9:32 am

    Dear Lord you have to be kidding me! She has no idea how to fix that?!?! Who says that and I’m sure you can’t be the only person who shot a baby out and had this problem post labor. Seriously. You should definitely be running to another OB. Rub ointment? What the hell? I feel for you in the poop department. You should be able to enjoy a good poo, not cry through one. And for your sake and Tim’s, I’m sure, you need to get laid and back to running. “I don’t know” isn’t a good enough answer for any of this. I’m angered for you. If you need me to come throw down let me know. I’m there for ya and your vaj, as every good friend should be.
    FYI – when I shoot out a kid you are the first person I will go to for vaj qts.
    2nd FYI – when you posted that on Twitter last night to me Hardscape saw it on my phone first and was all “whats up with Jessica’s vaj?” Like this is normal weather convo
    *End long rambling comment*

  3. 3 Lara May 3, 2012 at 9:36 am

    I’ve worked with wound care specialists for post-surgical stuff with my mom a few times (I’m her primary caregiver) and this is absolutely ridiculous. Your OB is a moron.

    1st – A&D ointment is bull.
    Neosporin only works the 1st 24 hours. After that, bacteria has already figured how to resist it.

    Wounds need to stay moist and heal from the inside out. That whole “give a wound some air” thing is very wrong.

    I would go get some of that saline spray (easier to use in an odd area) and use that to clean up (will not kill natural healing enzymes like alcohol and hydrogen peroxide). Get a big box of sterile gauze pads and use a water soluble K-Y type ointment on gauze wedged up there. Keeping it moist will prevent it healing from the outside first and trapping in infection.

    Also amino acid supplements will help you heal faster and maybe a high-protien Boost drink a day. Protein has to be balanced with fiber though, so you can poop.

    Good luck!

  4. 4 jobo May 3, 2012 at 9:49 am

    She doesn’t KNOW how to fix it?! good grief, can you imagine ever saying that and being in that profession?! That is awful. And my ‘lady parts’ hurt just thinking about it. And yay for almost pre-baby weight! you are awesome!!!! (and 40 lbs gained? please, that is SO not a lot, just about average!!) XOXO

  5. 5 welcometothemotherhood May 3, 2012 at 10:08 am

    I love this post. I had a similar situation but it doesn’t sound like it was as bad as yours. Bad news: mine was STILL a mess two years later when I gave birth to my second child. Good news: somehow some way the stitching from the 2nd tear/child seems to have done a briliant job fixing the whole area. It’s not pre-childbirth shape but oh boy is it WAY WAY better than the gaping hole I once had.

    And I was so tired of hearing the word KEGEL. This was beyong the power of the kegel people!

  6. 6 Jess Sutera May 3, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Your OB seriously doesn’t know how to get your vag to heal?? What is wrong with her??? Good lord I’d want to punch her in the face too. UGH!!

    On a lighter note, however – rock on on the post-baby weight loss, you are doing awesome!! LOVE that the hubs even commented on it, score one point for him 🙂

  7. 7 Jen May 3, 2012 at 11:46 am

    no wonder you’re finding it tough…jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus…i thought my pos-birth stuff was bad(lts of stitches) … take the advice above, google it and make a complaint about the OB…it outrageous and insensitive,,,,…an f**k the weight…that will sort itself out soon enough….

    I really really feel for you and you hope you get this sorted soon….I don’t know how you are coping..its hard enough without the additional agony of a half-healed undercarriage to cope with…

    on the subject of future births..stand up….women who give birth standing up do not tear……fact

  8. 8 maureen May 3, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Honestly, I’ve never found a female doctor that I liked. This is probably completely sexist against my own gender, but every female doctor I’ve ever gone to has been stupid and/or rude. I say, just find a man to look down there and get your stuff fixed, because a good, not hurty poo is definitely worth it.

  9. 9 lifestartsnow May 3, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    oh girl, i feel for you (though i only have the “benefit” of guessing how you must feel). you should definitely get a second opinion by someone specialized in poop or poop-ers AND an OB/GYN who is closer to your home. driving that distance is not worth it.

  10. 10 Sam May 4, 2012 at 4:24 am

    As we say down here, “Stink”. Here’s hoping you get some better/more useful advice and care.

  11. 11 1st-time mom May 4, 2012 at 11:49 am

    I know somewhat how you feel. I’m still healing down there too after giving birth 2 wks ago… and I’ve cried over going to the bathroom several times too. I am slowly healing though. I have just been constantly washing down there and putting moist witch hazel pads (Tucks). Also a nurse told me to use hemeroid cream down there… and it seems to be helping.

  12. 12 adewvall May 10, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    That is so, so, horrible. I have nothing to suggest but to say you are completely validated in your frustration!


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