Sometimes it’s hard for me to write anything because in the back of my mind, I know family members read this. Friends back home read this. Tim reads this.

Generally speaking, I say whatever I feel like saying. Not generally speaking, I hold a lot of things back because of the aforementioned readers. It isn’t like I have something bad to say…I just know if I say things like I’m about to, I’ll get emails or phone calls or someone might take the words out of context.

It’s so muddled…yet they’re only words…

So, Kellan and I went to our first play group yesterday. It was mostly pointless for him, since it was outside at a park (the older kids of the other moms had fun, though). I did meet two first time moms who I plan on getting together with outside of the “Moms Club” (that’s what it’s called…), so all was not lost. The “seasoned” moms were all, “One is EASY!”

Yah…once you know what the hell you’re doing. I’m sure you weren’t saying that during your first ride on the baby-merry-go-round. You were right here, in the trenches with me.

I also got sunburned on my chest, somehow.


Thankfully, I kept Kellan covered up so he’s fine. He also slept the whole time, which was nice.

Anyhow, I am pretty sure I had a segue into this next part but I’m so wiped out and exhausted, I forgot what it was.

I’m so, so tired. I need a break. I need ‘me’ time. I haven’t had any since Kellan was born and though I love him to pieces, I need a minute or an hour where I don’t have to worry about changing a diaper or handling nap time or entertaining an almost ten week old.

This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I’d be lying if I said I never cried…if at the end of the day I couldn’t wait until he fell asleep so I could sleep myself and escape from reality in my dreams..and then hope and pray he falls back asleep when he starts waking up only a few hours after he’s fallen asleep.

The falling back asleep thing rarely happens.

He also rarely naps and if he does, I have to be laying next to humor holding him. The entire time.

It’s overwhelming, being a mom. It’s hard and utterly exhausting and I haven’t slept through the night since I don’t even remember when. Once your bladder starts getting squished by your ever growing uterus, it’s all over. Goodbye sleep.

And I loved my sleep.

I never realized how difficult it would be to have to function as a human being and entertain and care for a baby, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week while severely sleep deprived. I’m so tired sometimes that it’s beyond frustrating. I want to sleep SO BADLY but I can’t because I haven’t gotten Kellan to sleep yet or because he isn’t tired or because something needs to be done around the house or because my brain is going a million miles a minute all, “Am I doing enough?!”

Sleep comes before food. That’s where I’m at right now.

I live minute to minute. I can barely have a coherent conversation because I’ll forget what I was saying in the middle of my saying it. That and I’ll mumble. Even my tongue is exhausted. Sad.

I know it sounds like I’m being whiny….I am. If that bothers you….I’m too tired to care right now. I don’t mean that in a mean spirited way, since lately these days I have been saying things that come off as mean when I’m really just saying them…no real emotion behind them because I hadn’t even thought to put an emotion to my words – unless tired is an emotion.

I know it will get better. I know this is only a phase but WOW.

I’m struggling.

18 Responses to “blah”

  1. 1 jobo April 26, 2012 at 9:31 am

    ((hug)). Friend, I know you probably feel like you need to half-censor yourself a bit given the public nature of your blog, but I commend you for being honest. Because I can guarantee this is exactly what any new mom feels but may be afraid to admit. It has got to be one of the hardest jobs on the planet, hands down. I give you so much credit for all that you do. And if I can sleep an extra hour for you somewhere, I will. Not that it will really help, but I will do what I can 😉 XOXO

  2. 3 Shannon April 26, 2012 at 10:01 am

    I’m sure the easy thing for me to say would be “It will get easier, just give it time.” The truth is that is what people are telling me right now as I struggle and I want to fucking hit them. So I’m not going to say that. I’m struggling too. Not in the same exact way you are but I’m exhausted, I’m tired and I find myself crying out of no where. You and I are both doing this for the kids we love while we are wearing down thin. I’m sure it doesn’t help completely but you aren’t alone. I’m sorry you are struggling and I wish we lived just a bit closer and I would let you sit in the silence of my apartment for a few hours if I could rock your baby for a few hours:)

  3. 4 Katie April 26, 2012 at 11:07 am

    The first few months are by far the hardest. I can’t even remember how many full out break downs I had. Just an idea but talk to the moms in your play group about a sitter. Not one to watch Kellan while you go out but while you stay home and have a nap, or read a book, or just sit outside by yourself for an hour or so. That way you are there but the poopy diapers are not yours to worry about.

  4. 5 Kathleen Reifsnyder April 26, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Okay, here’s the honest to god truth…. Are you ready???

    The first six months are the worst!! You will have those “good” days when you burst with energy and fit in two days worth of stuff into one day, amazing!!! It doesn’t last, but that’s okay because we take what we can get!!!
    One of the things to remember is that you are allowed time for YOU!! On the weekends when Tim is home you need to take advantage of that!!! Taking a nap when you need it, running out for a pedicure or to get your hair done or to just grocery shop…. Meeting one of the other new Mom’s out for an hour for coffee on a Saturday morning!!! Anything that gets you to enjoy some time FOR you!!!!
    It’s important!!!

  5. 6 Katie Spencer White April 26, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Hey Jessica. My fifth baby – Jago – was born 1 March so I am right there with you.


    For what it’s worth, here are some strategies I’ve used over my 21 years of raising kids (and yes, the first one is the hardest. Unless, like me, you have the last two 15 months apart, in which case, that is hard, too).

    First, many babies struggle to sleep on their backs because they have a strong startle reflex. Back in the day, we put them on their bellies and that worked a treat. Unfortunately for moms, that is now a no go. But lot’s of babies sleep well in the car and in their car seat/baby carrier. I think the curved nature of the seat helps prevent the startle reflex from waking them up. My Jago is currently asleep in his. Follow your seat’s manufacturer’s instructions to determine the maximum time they should sleep in the seat/baby carrier. Swings are also good for this if they are designed for newborns.

    With baby 3, I discovered co-sleeping and nursing in bed. A week after I gave birth, I was able to get seven hours of sleep at night because I nursed lying down and never really woke up. It’s awesome. But co-sleep safely. Any AP (like Dr Sears) website will give you the proper advice and guidance.

    I also have put my kids to sleep in their stroller in the house. Roll it through the kitchen if you have to. If it buys you 30 minutes, it is so worth it.

    Hang in there. Even after five kids, I still have my dark moments in the middle of the night (like last week). Keep going to the mom’s club. Keep blogging.

    You are doing great.

  6. 7 April 26, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    oh the joys of an anonymous blog….big hug girl! you are doing great and i hope the people close to you will read this and allow you to have some you time! if i was there i know i would snag that little mini-tim and entertain my heart out for you 🙂

  7. 8 Jess Sutera April 26, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Big giant bear hug coming your way, lady. Seriously — just like my sis said, I admire your honesty, and the sheer fact that you ARE a mom, any mom deserves a medal of honor if you ask me. There is just so much that goes into being a mom, a caregiver really. It’s a giant undertaking and you’ve been doing an AWESOME job, even if you don’t always believe it yourself. You’re amazing, don’t forget it, ok?

  8. 9 Wildology April 26, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Oh my. Thank you and snoozes to you. I am sure I will remember this and feel less alone when it becomes my turn. Keep holding on…

  9. 10 Crazy In The Making April 26, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    I’m send hugs and strength to get you through the rough patches till his next smile melts your heart and makes it all worthwhile again.

    As a been there done that mom here are the things you don’t want to hear….

    Accept that ‘it’ will never *seem like* enough. All the moms I know are always thinking of ways they can do more and be more for their family because no matter what, it never seems like it’s enough. There will always be something else you could be and feel like you should be doing.
    But that is all lies. *It is enough!!* You are perfect just the way you are! You are the mom you were intended to be and just what Kellan needs.

    After a good night sleep, charge your ipod and prepare yourself to cry. This is when you want to spend every possible second entertaining and cuddling him, but this is when you let him be. Put you headphones in, set the timer, and watch him on the video monitor, but don’t step foot in the room until the timer goes off. Even if he’s crying! It sucks, and it is hard, and you have to keep doing it, but when you can go to the bathroom by yourself, and have the luxury of a 15 minute shower instead of just the normal 5 minutes it will pay for the tears. Then on the days he is tired and cranky and just needs his mama it will be easier to always be there for him, or to take the five minutes you need to get you through the day.

    And because it can never be said enough…. You are perfect just the way you are! You are the mom you were intended to be and just what Kellan needs.

  10. 11 Kathy Lamb Page April 26, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Jessica I love your complete honesty and self-awareness as a new mom. It makes me relive those great and yet exhausting feelings and experiences. I feel everything so freshly as I read your blog even though my youngest “baby” is about to be 24!

    At 10 weeks, things will continue to settle in and eventually you will get more sleep, although to be honest, nothing you can count on until all your children leave your household – just saying! But it will move on up to the 6 – 8 hour range as the “norm” before too long. As you’re already finding out, you will also get less attached to each other as time goes on. And there will be days in the future when you’ll miss all that close connection!

    Take care of yourself as much as you can. Even a walk, run, or trip to the grocery store alone when Tim’s home will give you some breathing space. Enjoy a cup of coffee or tea somewhere, read a good magazine (you probably don’t have time for books unless you have mastered reading while nursing – I highly recommend that!!) and just sit somewhere for a little while.

    You are an awesome mom and you are sure giving me some happy, yet sometimes wistful moments as I read your intimate sharing of your life as a mom.

    Thanks sweet lady!
    Kathy Page

  11. 12 Papa Guy April 26, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    This is another reason we live close (or relatively close) to Family…….

  12. 13 Jen April 27, 2012 at 4:45 am

    looking above think everyone’s just about got this covered… I know exactly how you feel….and if I lived within 100 miles of you 9as opposed to a few 1000)..i’d be there in a shot, watch the baby for a few hours whilst you recharge…I was lucky , when my first two were babies I was one of a group of friends who all had children at the same time and we kinda struggled through together…. is there a relative or old friend you could get down there for the weekend.. ? you need time out my lovely… sending you all the love in the world.. xxxx p.s. you get through it..but jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez the first one is tough..and the second…and the third 🙂

  13. 14 Amanda Perry (@amandamaryperry) April 27, 2012 at 9:00 am

    You are so not alone…all of us mommas all have days (weeks, months) like that. The sleep thing will return though…I promise that. Who knows how long it will take, but you’ll get full nights of sleep again. Yay! It’s certainly a roller coaster ride raising a baby because as some things get easier, others get harder. Hang in there and definitely get out and have some you time. Pedicures are good for that. 🙂

  14. 15 welcometothemotherhood April 27, 2012 at 9:18 am

    We’ve all been there as a mom. “One” IS easy – meaning easy to manage one child, but the first is the hardest because the shift in your life is so insanely monumental. The isolation is really hard. So is the exhaustion. You are perfectly normal and the comments/love here should prove that. Unfortunately it doesn’t help you sleep 😉

  15. 16 SupaCoo April 27, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Boosh, I’m sorry I haven’t been around for – well, months. But know that you are not alone – this is HARD AS HELL and no one sent me that memo before. Enjoy the crazy roller coaster. Kellan is a cuuuuuuuuuuuutie!

  16. 17 Sam April 29, 2012 at 6:19 pm

    I know someone above commented that it was pointless and irritating, but I will still say from experience that it will and DOES get easier in some ways. It’s just that as life changes go this one is so monumentally out of scale with almost anything else it makes things that much harder. The nature of the challenges children present changes as they grow up, and we still have our “what now?” moments, but with our two the first few months was definitely the hardest.

  17. 18 lucindalines May 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

    The first baby is the hardest. Sleep is over rated anyway. Just kidding. Enjoy, but don’t be afraid to express your needs, too. Just acknowledging how you feel can sometimes help. Obviously he loves you a whole lot or he wouldn’t want you around so much. You have to feel good about that. Blessings to you all.

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