leaving him alone

Kellan has this new thing…it’s not an all the time thing or a perfect thing but it’s a new thing where he actually lets me put him down and sometimes he’ll even fall asleep or other times he’ll just lay there and stare and babble at whatever interests him.

He does all of this when I’m not there. I’ll leave the room, bring the baby monitor with me and watch him (we have a video monitor).

I almost plotzed yesterday when I put him down on the bed because I had to pee (it happens) and when I came back to check on him…he was asleep! Granted, he had his binky with him…but, still. ASLEEP! ON HIS OWN!

This was a first and is a big deal. For the child who (still) (99.9% of the time) never wants to be put down, it’s like he’s gaining a little bit of independence. It’s the thing I’ve been hoping for since I realized he and I would be attached at the hip forever because OMG. The child would not let me leave.

Except…it’s actually hard for me to leave him in a room by himself, wide awake, and not be there with him. It’s harder than I thought it would be when I begged him, albeit silently, to let me have a few minutes to myself.

Go figure.

This must be one of those mommy things no one warns you about.

The only reasoning I can muster is because he and I have – literally – been together for almost a year. He was with me everywhere I went for nine months. Then, when he came out into the world, he was still with me everywhere I went. I feel like I’m neglecting him or not stimulating him or teaching him things he needs to know when I just leave him all by himself.

And right now? He’s just hanging out upstairs on the bed, happy as can be while I’m downstairs in the computer room, watching over him on the tiny monitor.

I know it is healthy for me – and him – to be separated from time to time. I know he needs to figure the world out on his own sometimes. I mean, it’s gonna happen anyway…he’s going to be apart from me sooner or later. I guess I just had no idea how hard it would be to cut the cord – the non-literal one. All you moms out there who have a hard time letting go…I totally understand why, now. 100% get it. I have no idea how I’m going to cut my own bloody cord (ha…accidental double entendre).

But, once he gets cranky or wakes up, I am right there to comfort him. And that smile and look of recognition I get upon my return?

Worth every second I was away.

It is absolutely priceless.


5 Responses to “leaving him alone”

  1. 1 argonzalez312 April 24, 2012 at 10:39 am

    You are teaching him something when you leave him alone!!! You are teaching him that just because something cannot be seen it is there. You are showing him that he as an individual is able to learn things by seeing them and formulate his own thoughts on them. Also you are saving your own sanity. i know how difficult it is to let them alone ( I still check mine at night and they are 6 and 8) but you need to be able to do things. Be glad he has grown a bit and you can breathe. Because they hit an age about one or so where I swear they are clingier than they ever are as newborns!!!

  2. 2 Paula April 24, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Its a good thing he’s not leaving for college next week. You’d be a HOT mess for sure. YOU need this time away from him to learn how to be away from him. I STILL want to be with Lauren ALL the time. She’s almost 24. Years, not days, years. pffffffft.

    Remember this….You are never gonna learn enough. lol

  3. 3 PJ April 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Totally random – how is your recovery coming?

    • 4 Jessica April 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

      It’s going. I really should do a post on that…..suffice it to say I’m still not cleared to run and I fear I’ll never poo the same again. Ever.

  4. 5 Shannon April 25, 2012 at 6:07 am

    Awh this is a good thing for the both of you! You are so lucky you get to stay at home with him!

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