marriage dynamic

It really is a good thing Tim and I waited as long as we did to have a child. Partly because I had to break Tim in…his being a bachelor for 34 years kind of definitely had him in a groove all, “I can do/buy/go what/where I want, whenever I want.” his house also stayed super, squeaky clean. Like, don’t put the towel back on the stove crooked because OMG.

What? I’m totally serious.

It all ended in a screaming match one day while we were still dating with me all, “Don’t go behind me and fix everything I do! And Tim all, “But you’re doing it wrong!”

We eventually found a happy medium where I try to make sure the towel is straight and he doesn’t fix it if it isn’t.

Actually, I don’t think either of us even care anymore about how straight the towel is, just so long as it’s there.

The whole point I’m not exactly making very well is that we had A TON of growing and maturing and compromising to do before we added a child into the mix because had we tried to pop one out the year after we got married??

Mistake. Biiiiig mistake.

Year two of marriage is a hell of a lot harder than year one. Year two was probably the most difficult year we have had to date. Year two is the year where things get real. The pre-wedding/wedding/honeymoon phase is over. OVER.

It’s just you and your honey. Day in…and day out.

Welcome to the learning curve where you have to learn the true meaning of compromise.

Bringing a baby into that mishmash of “what the hell is going on here…no one told me marriage meant THIS” would have hindered a very important step that Tim and I had to take in order to survive these first few months as a family of three.

What step?

The foundation building one.

Yes, we had a pre-marriage/friendship foundation but that’s totally different than the post wedding, can I really live the “until death do us part,” part?

Don’t make a baby until you have a real, honest answer to that question.

I mean, I guess every marriage is unique and maybe you got married and had a baby within a year or so and are still together fifty years this past June, forever and ever amen.

But, what worked for you definitely wouldn’t have worked for Tim and me.

I told Tim I was writing this and he was all, “I know. We had to learn how to fight.”

And I was all, “You realize we still have no idea what we’re doing.”

For good or bad, we are two very, very strong Type A personalities who birthed an A+.

Welcome to our crazy, anal little life that had Tim cleaning toilets while Kellan and I were napping and me vacuuming the house with a baby on my hip.

Had we tried this a few years post-wedding?

I honestly don’t know if we would have made it…and if we had, serious damage would have been done. Relationship damage, I mean. We did have to learn how to deal with each other, stubborn mules we both are. Say ‘no’ and we dig our heels in harder.

I’m not sure if we handle conflict the best way possible or if we are a shining example of a happy marriage, but we make it work, which is so important now, since that marriage we had before 2/19/12 has taken a backseat to one Kellan Bold.

I don’t know if a marriage without a foundation…without a few years to figure each other out would survive this infancy stage. It’s hard. We’re tired and stressed and snippy…did I mention tired?

I feel like I’m rambling…I probably am…I guess my whole point is that had we done the baby dance right out of the gate, I may or may not be telling you the same story right now.

Confucius say: don’t make baby without strong foundation.


17 Responses to “marriage dynamic”

  1. 1 Cindy April 23, 2012 at 10:17 am

    I think this is a very honest and insightful post. I also think the fact you even recognize these observations (if that’s a correctly worded phrase? My brain doesn’t work anymore) is an incredibly strong indication you two will still be together 50 years from June. I said it the day of your wedding, but I’ll say it again here: heartfelt congratulations!

  2. 3 jobo April 23, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Amen. I think a strong foundation is the MOST important thing when you enter parenthood. I sort of see the opposite happening with my sis Jen and it makes me sad. Because it makes it so much harder to parent when you don’t feel supported an don’t have the foundation. I am so glad you DO have it!!!

  3. 5 the speech monster April 23, 2012 at 10:49 am

    I so hear you. My husband n I had a very rough second yr of marriage. And it took a lot of fighting tears n counseling to get to a pt where we both felt stable enough to have benji. N in a way in grateful for those fights n readjustments coz having a baby then would’ve just created an instant downward spiral. I think having a string foundation first before baby is crucial! Good post thanks for the honest sharing

  4. 7 JessSutera April 23, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Oh this is such an awesome reflection you’re sharing here — one that I totally agree with and believe in. Marriage is WORK. It takes investing fully in that relationship, building that rock solid foundation…and yes, learning how to fight (which is a form of communication, yes?). You two are such a great example of how to make a very strong marriage into a partnership — so very important anyway, but especially important when babies enter the picture. I love this post!!

  5. 9 lucindalines April 23, 2012 at 11:12 am

    This post needs to be used in parenting classes. Soooo true!!!

  6. 10 Meghan April 23, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Thanks for sharing – I can totally relate, except I was the crazy towel police and my husband is the 32-year bachelor. The first year has been the hardest – and we’re tackling it WITH a baby. You’re right about taking that first year to yourselves because adding a baby in the mix changes EVERYTHING ever more-so than marriage did. Looking forward to more of your thoughts ๐Ÿ™‚

    • 11 Jessica April 24, 2012 at 3:39 pm

      Good juju vibes your way. I canon even fathom how difficult it is so you guys right now.

      • 12 Meghan April 24, 2012 at 6:54 pm

        Thanks. We just take it day to day. If we get thru one day without riping eachother apart, and avery is happy, fed, and asleep at the end of the night – then it was a good day – Even if I have spit up all over my shirt, dinner was a quick hot dog and mac and cheese, and my hubby passed out on the couch at 830pm… ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s all worth it… you’ll see!

  7. 13 Caitrin King April 23, 2012 at 11:32 am

    I’ve been reading your posts since month 8 and have identified with so much you have written – and it makes me feel so much better to know that our family is not the only one going through roller-coaster changes, but this post really struck a nerve and put into perfect words how I feel about my marriage and the foundation that we created for 9 years before we started having kids.
    Thank you SO much for your insights and please keep them coming, you’re making things easier for me by just working the day to day life that some take for granted, but a few see as daily miracles.

    • 14 Jessica April 24, 2012 at 3:37 pm

      You are so welcome! Thank you for reading! It helps to know all this isn’t going off to the depths of the Internet without it reaching someone, you help ME keep going…continuing to share. ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. 15 Mrs Loquacious April 23, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    After knowing Hubbs for nearly a decade and being married for almost 7 years, I agree entirely. Without a foundation of love and acceptance, parenting can be a totally divisive thing. Even with our many years together, having a baby has really pushed our relationship to its limits on some sleepless days. I’m so glad though, that we’re both committed to each other and to Baby Loquacious no matter what. Those who don’t have that lead-up time and commitment face some great challenges once dynamics are shifted and a baby arrives.

  9. 17 mm April 23, 2012 at 10:00 pm

    I agree. We don’t have kids yet and we are coming up on our 6 year anniversary this year, and I’m just starting to feel like I’d be ready for kids. But our first year of marriage was a biotch. But it’s only gotten better as time goes on. ๐Ÿ™‚

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