dear kellan – month 1


I meant to write this two and a half weeks ago but…I didn’t. I’d blame the copious amounts of diaper changes but I can’t seem to manage placing my lack of writing on you, especially as I hear you talking and cooing in the other room, sitting in your swing and just taking in the world around you.

Had I written this two and a half weeks ago, it would probably sound very different than it will today. You change so much with each passing minute, it seems, that you are a completely different baby than you were a few weeks ago.

For one, you were born with a thick head of dark hair and now….it’s mostly just in the back and on the top of your head. The sides are mainly peach fuzz so you have an interesting ring of semi-baldness/mullet going on. It all has a hint of red, though, just like mommy and daddy’s hair.

I’m mostly convinced you have all of daddy’s features except your ridiculously long toes. You can thank me when you impress your friends by picking up various items with your feet. It’s like a fun party trick….

Also, you smile at your daddy and I more frequently. And on purpose – it isn’t just gas anymore. You used to only smile at “Aunt Fanny” (the ceiling fan). You still love her but you also give us a few of those giant grins, now, too.

You like talk…all the time. Even when you’re upset. Actually, when you’re upset is when you’re most likely to talk, especially when I look at you right in the eye – because you do that now, too – and ask you to “tell me about it.”

And boy, do you tell me about it through half cries, frustrated pouts and yelps, exactly what it is that’s bothering you. You’re a regular chatterbox and it delights your daddy and me to no end to sit and talk with you about anything and everything.

I have to admit, the evening hours are the hardest for your mommy and daddy, since it seems like you take in so much of the world that by the end of the day, you’re absolutely worn out and exhausted. So much so that it takes a good two hours to calm your (sometimes inconsolable) crying. I will never understand how a tiny set of lungs can make such an ear piercing noise.

But then, in the middle of the night when you and I are awake to eat or to change a diaper, I’ll wrap you back up in your swaddle blanket (which, for the record, you hate, since it pins your arms against your sides and you’d much rather have those arms out. For mommy’s sanity, the swaddle is still in use because you tend to throw those arms around in your sleep, hit yourself in the head and wake up…after only thirty minutes of shut eye) place you back down on the bed and you’ll just lay there, next to me, staring up at the ceiling and smiling. I’ll have you know that you never just “lay there” during the day. Only at night will you tolerate such an action.

While you’re peacefully looking around, I’ll stare at you in awe while I pat your chest lightly in the rhythm of a heartbeat. I have no idea why that is calming to you…but it works like a charm every time. And sometimes during those delirious three in the morning moments, I look at my hand on your chest…it looks so big and is as long as your torso…then I get a little sentimental because I know one day my hand will be but a tiny blip on your body.

We’re still working on bath time. You hate it. I take part of the blame since I’ve twice had the water temperature too cold. I was terrified of burning your precious sensitive skin…so I froze your little kahones off instead. I’d like to imagine you feel better after your bath, since you cry the minute you have a wet diaper, but I’ve yet to see any kind of gratefulness post-bath. You did manage to relieve your entire bladder all over daddy once while he was holding you, all clean after a bath and wrapped up in a towel.

Lesson learned.

Now we put your diaper on pretty quickly after bath time…or at least shield ourselves from the potential barrage.

One thing is for absolute certain: you dislike being dirty.

You also dislike baths. And the daily face washing. And putting on clothes. And sometimes, diaper changes.

Such a conundrum.

The other thing we’re struggling with is tummy time. You have such a strong neck, as you hold it up by yourself whenever daddy is holding you over his shoulder or when we put you in a seated position. Recently, not only do you hold your head up but you also turn it from side to side, eyes wide with wonder, almost as if you’re amazed that you can decide what you want to look at or which direction you want to face.

But then…we put you on your tummy and one of two things happen. You’ll lay there, happy as can be, sucking on your hand, or you’ll start kicking your legs to the point they raise up off of the ground, and start crying.

It’s usually the latter.

I guess I can’t blame you. Your head size is in the 90-something percentile and your weight the 25th. It’s like your body proportions are working against you. Daddy says you don’t have enough junk in the trunk to counterbalance your giant noggin.

I’ll give you tons of credit, though. You still manage to lift your head up, even if it’s only for a second or two. Then, mommy can’t bear the frustrated screaming and picks you up, figuring we’ll try again later.

Sometimes later never happens…but we try.

You know what food train means and while you’re busy getting your nursing on, you’ll pull on your hair or clasp your hands together on your chest or, even better, put your hand on my chest instead of staying curled in a little bundle like you did for the first few weeks. It is so heartwarming…almost like saying “thanks, mom.”

And coming back to sleep, since nursing is one of the few things that’ll knock you right out – that and riding in the car – you just refuse to nap alone during the day. If I so much as breathe the wrong way when you’ve been nursed to sleep and are laying in bed with me or if I try to transfer you from My Brest Friend to the bed – even if I lay you down next to one of my previously worn nursing bras and right where I was laying so it’s still warm, you’ll wake up five minutes later, wondering where I went.

Needless to say, I don’t get much accomplished during the day but secretly?

Mommy loves snuggling with you because she knows it’s only a matter of time before you resist my kisses and hugs and cuddles.

We call you all kinds of nicknames…boo-boo is the one I use most often…that and little man. Your daddy calls you buddy sometimes, too. Who knows if they’ll stick but for now…that’s what you’re called along with your given name, of course.

I really can’t believe you’ve grown and developed so much in such a short time. You came home this tiny, helpless little baby with a swollen head and no idea where your next meal would come from or how you were going to get it. Your mommy and daddy had no idea what to do with you, so small and helpless. We were new to caring for a baby and you were new to everything in the whole entire world.

And now?

You let us know exactly what you want. You have a giant, demonstrative personality that only gets more and more fine tuned as each day passes. Your world is slowly expanding as your eyes can focus on objects better and see colors more sharply. Because of this, you’re becoming more and more aware of and interested in everything that surrounds you.

I cannot wait to see what this next month will bring, as you never cease to amaze me every single day. I never realized how rewarding being your mommy would be and I couldn’t have been more blessed with such a wonderful, beautiful, bright little boy.

I love you,



8 Responses to “dear kellan – month 1”

  1. 1 littlemissobsessivesanatomy April 9, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    so sweet .. this is one of the sweetest letter ever…i can imagine Kellan smiling when he gets to actually gets to read this one….

  2. 2 Amy - Hamlet's Mistress April 9, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    Lovely, Jess. Completely lovely.

  3. 3 Shannon April 9, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    So sweet and cute! What a lucky little boy!

  4. 4 jobo April 9, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    awww! so cute!! I love this and hope you keep writing them! And then put them into a book for him to read one day!

  5. 5 Sam April 9, 2012 at 11:21 pm

    One word for the post: “Yes” 🙂
    Soph is nearly one, and still having a nightly top-up at some stage each night. I hate the getting up bit, but the peaceful bit with the quiet house and semi-awake little girl is quite cool.

  6. 7 bevchen April 10, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Beautiful! I knew you would make a fantastic mother.

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