epic fail

{Today is Tim’s birthday. Happy birthday, honey! I love you!!}

Saturday was a big – and I mean BIG – day for us.

It was the first day we took Kellan out into the great big world called Errands We Need To Run.

We were under a six week quarantine from the hospital and pediatrician due to the time of year Kellan was born – a la flu season – and I wasn’t going to mess with that because ZOMG if he got sick because I ignored them.

After breakfast (pancakes made with almond milk because I’m currently living the dairy free life) we started our preparations.

Preparations take about two hours, now, when we could get out the door in 30 minutes or less before. Baby = Time Sucker.

Our plan was simple: pack up Kellan along with the diaper bag and stroller so we could wheel him around the mall and to the haircut place where Tim had his every-three-week-but-this-time-four-because-he-rescheduled-so-he-coud-buy-my-car-last-weekend appointment.

Anyhow, I topped off Kellan’s tank (aka stomach) and we were off.

But, wait.

No we weren’t.

My new stylin purse is no longer of the Coach variety.

It’s a diaper bag by LL Bean.

And this bag contained everything under God’s good, green earth except a pen.

Why is this important?

We had checks we needed to sign so we could deposit them at a walk up banking thing at the mall.

Why does this make one hill of beans difference?

Long story short: our bank has brick and mortar locations ALL over the entire country except Colorado. The only place in all of Denver where one can deposit checks is at the little walk up thing in mall we were going to. We have to strategically plan – and remember – any checks we have during these monthly haircut trips.

Obviously, leaving without a pen was no bueno.

Good thing we remembered right before we got out of the neighborhood. That would have really sucked to get all the way to the mall without a pen.

(I’m sure we could have borrowed one from a nearby store but that’s beside the point)

Anyhow, the mall and the haircut place are about 45 minutes from the house, so I was one nervous-pervous mamma.

What if he has to eat? What it he has a diaper blow out? What if he melts down? What if?…..

Our follow through…let’s just say things never do seem to go according to plan.

Kellan slept all the way there (thank you, baby Jesus) and right as we pulled into a parking spot at the mall, it hit me.

As Tim turned off the car I was all, “Uh oh……”

And Tim was all, “What?…..OMG. We forgot the stroller.”

WE FORGOT THE STROLLER.

How does one forget the mode of transportation for the wee little sprout?!

So, what do we do?

Improvise!

As in: Tim toted Kellan around the mall in his car seat.

Also? Tim’s arms are going to be super human strong if we continue to forget the stroller.

Of course, the walk up bank thingy and Abercrombie were at opposite ends of the mall. Abercrombie was for Tim. He needed new flip flops to replace the ones Maddie ate (and later barfed up all over the place. Don’t even get me started…).

Thankfully, Kellan mostly slept during the mall journey, only opening his eyes once to check things out. He was fascinated, by the way. His eyes pretty much said, “WOW.”

He became cranky once we made it back to the car because we might as well make the mall trip complete with a car seat (to clarify, a big person car seat. Apparently, telling someone (Tim) that we’re going to change his diaper on the car seat is confusing).

So, picture Tim and me on one side of the car trying to maneuver a baby, a portable diaper change pad, diapers and wipes in the space of a single car door opening.

This was a first, folks. It was more than awkward.

To make it that much more harried, a 30-something dude half pulls into the spot right next to ours as if saying, “Uh…I’m right here and you’re in my way.”

He lost all of his ass points when he started blasting Justin Bieber.

(this absolutely happened)

I looked at him like, “Out of all the spots in the entire mall you had to pick this one?! Did you not see the door open with two adults standing in its frame? Did that not tip you off…at all?

Right. You were too busy teeny-bopping. My bad.

We got Kellan into his (little person) car seat and made our way to the haircut place a few miles away.

At this point, I always sit in the back with Kellan. I refuse to do let him stay there by himself if I can help it.

As we were pulling out of the mall, Kellan starts melting down (screaming) and at the same time Tim was all, “do you know how to get there? I turn right, right?”

Me: No. Left.

(trying to give Kellan his pacifier all, “it’s ok….shhhh”)

Tim: You’re sure?

Me: Yes.

Tim goes straight.

Me: It’s to the left. We have to go left.

Tim: Turn where? Are you sure?

Me: Anywhere. Just turn.

Tim: I’m trying to get past the main drag to avoid traffic.

(We’re basically in a neighborhood at this point)

Me: What? I don’t understand. Turn left.

(shhh….it’s ok….)

Me: This is what I was worried about…(the melt down)

(shhh……)

Tim: I don’t even know where I am anymore.

Me: Just turn left!

He turns.

(Kellan finally falls back asleep)

Tim: Oh. I know where we are now!

Me: *sigh* We really need to learn how not to get irritated at one another during his melt downs.

Tim: I wasn’t irritated. Now where are we ever going to find a parking spot?!!

Me: …..

Good news: We found one.

Other news: Tim had to tote Kellan around again.

Fortunately, Kellan slept through Tim’s hair appointment. Probably a good thing, too, because Jen, our hair cut person, was dropping F bombs left and right. After the fifth (or so. I lost count) time, Tim gives me the side eye through the mirror as she was yakking away all, “I have no idea what her deal is today.”

I mean, hello! Baby ears in the room!

I asked Tim afterward if she was always like that and he was all, “She was in rare form today.”

To end our ridiculously long escapade, we stopped at Whole Foods to pick up a rotisserie chicken for dinner. Tim ran in while I waited with the still sleeping Kellan.

I was then joined by a crusty old dude who pulled up in the parking spot next to us, walked around and opened his passenger side door where I could see no less than a Wendy’s bad, yellow notepad, trash and random knick knacks. Then, as he bent over to pick something up (To throw away? Why?)…..Kellan and I had the pleasure of viewing three quarters of his sagging ass.

There was no tuck-age of the shirt. No attempt to bend at the knees. No side turning.

Full. on. ass.

It was so bad he had to have buttoned his pants below the crack line.

There is no other explanation.

***FYI: Kellan was a champ and only had that one little crying episode.***

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8 Responses to “epic fail”


  1. 1 Shannon April 3, 2012 at 11:14 am

    The places you will learn to change a diaper are amazing. It doesn’t matter where or when and you eventually get over the whole sanitized area thing. Congrats on your first outing! Sounds like it wasn’t too bad:)!

  2. 2 jobo April 3, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    LOL! the carseat, that is awesome!!! I bet I most certainly would have forgotten the stroller too!! Congrats on your first trip to do errands!! asslap šŸ˜‰

  3. 3 Casey April 3, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Changing diapers on a (adult) car seat will become second nature. I also highly recommend changing diapers in the back of your car… you have an SUV, right? I pretty much had a diaper changing station in the back of my car for like 6 months.

  4. 4 hnMom April 3, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Oh, I remember those early outings. It can be overwhelming at first, but it gets easier fast. Sounds like it went rather well, though.
    Also wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. Details are on my blog. šŸ™‚

  5. 5 txtingmrdarcy April 3, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    Of note: I sympathize with your “men are directionally challenged” frustration. Especially when it is an outing for them. Your agreement is very good and mature- my response would have been “Don’t frustrate me while the baby is crying, and I won’t snap at you. This is YOUR hair place, you should know where it is!”

    It’s a miracle that I tricked someone into marrying me, really. šŸ˜‰

  6. 6 http://lifestartsnow.wordpress.com April 3, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    sounds like your outing went pretty good given the circumstances. and baby in the carseat with no stroller? that’s what a lot of germans do. you’re discovering your heritage without even knowing, lol šŸ˜‰

  7. 7 Amber April 4, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Well, I have to say that I’m glad I’m not the only one. I feel like my husband and I get so frustrated with each other during meltdowns, etc….it’s mostly me getting frustrated with him because he’s not doing something “properly” although it’s much better now. The first few months were hell though and I seriously don’t know how he stuck it out with such a “ray of sunshine” for a wife but he did and life is easier now. Sounds like Kellan cooperated very nicely for you though…can’t believe he slept most of the time.

  8. 8 PJ April 5, 2012 at 11:44 am

    This has nothing to do with this post – but I don’t have twitter, so I’m leaving this here: I just followed you on instagram! So excited!


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