what kind of mom do I want to be?

I know it is about to happen, regardless. It’s not like I can debate whether I WANT to be a mom or not.

I’m only a few weeks away from jumping in without looking, both feet first, into the mom role.

Lots of you have kindly told me I’ll be a great mom…and I really appreciate your support and your belief in me.

I’m honestly having a hard time seeing myself *as* a mom. I mean, I’ve never been one before so I guess that’s natural to feel? I have no idea. I just can’t see myself as “mom.” I mean, I can and I do in some kind of future in my brain when I think about the future that I don’t feel like has happened yet – if that makes any sense at all.

I see Tim and me as these adorably cute, loving parents to well behaved kids, doing things together as a family.

Granted, I realize this “future” can be easily mistaken for fantasy and I might just end up with a hellion but, still. Somewhere ahead of where I am now I see myself as a mom.

I just can’t see it…now. I can’t see myself as this nurturing, loving person to a little baby. Not that I’d be some distant, crazy ass mother or anything. I’m just having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror that way. I’ve always kept most of my emotions inside.

I told Tim awhile ago that I never want to be like that with the sprout. I want emotions on the outside.

If you’re feeling them, express them, don’t ferret them away. That’s what I’ve always done…until recently. I’ve been trying to allow my emotions to come out more which, by the way, has been way easier thanks to the pregnancy hormones.

It has (finally) gotten to the point that I was all teary eyed over something ridiculous at dinner the other night and Tim was like, “Whoa…why are your eyes all watery?! What happened?!”

I told him I’m trying to be more in touch and in tune with my emotions.

And I am.

I know boys aren’t “supposed” to be emotional but I definitely want to make sure the sprout isn’t afraid to express what he is feeling. I know all too well how much a locked up emotional response can eat away at you from the inside out. It isn’t healthy.

I want to be more huggy and kissy and touchy-feely. I didn’t grow up in a family like that but I want to have one. Tim is better at those things than I am, as his family is like that. Hugs all around. All the time.

I’ve gotten better over time but I still have a way to go.

I want to be more expressive. More emotional. More present in the moment.

As much as I felt like naming the sprout was pressure…when I think about what kind of example I want to lead…wow. That kind of pressure is monumentally more challenging than a name.

I know I am not going to be the perfect mom…I’m not trying to be one. I just want to be a mom who is emotionally present for her child. One who participates in their life and shows them plenty of love and affection. One who is a teacher and a listener and a disciplinarian.

Tim has his own set of daddy responsibilities that I know he feels stressed about. He’s already expressed how he is supposed to KNOW. EVERYTHING. so the sprout thinks his daddy is the smartest person in the entire world.

He and I both know we aren’t going to KNOW EVERYTHING but I understand what he’s saying.

He wants to be a good daddy. And knowing how to do things is part of that for him like being emotionally present and open is for me.

On top of it all, I want to make sure I’m both a good wife and a good mother in supporting him raising a son. There will be lots of things that I need to step out of and allow Tim to take the lead. It only makes sense when it comes to men and boys.

I’m not a man. I don’t know what it is like to be a boy. I have to step back and allow the lessons to come from Tim.

There are so many things I don’t know and so many things I’ll learn as we go along with the sprout but right now, when I have a free moment to think about everything that is about to hit us square in the face?

I’m really excited but I’d be lying if I admit I was scared.

It is like the first day of school…only a million times more daunting.


16 Responses to “what kind of mom do I want to be?”

  1. 1 Cindy Suzette Fausel January 25, 2012 at 8:36 am

    Sending a hug. Haaaaa You will have your moments but I am sure you will be just fine and handle allll of sprouts upbringing issues and moments with love and sometimes humor when need be. It will be a learning process for you both however I know you and Tim are up for the task.

  2. 3 Michelle January 25, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Just remember to make the big decisions together, always say you’re sorry, respect each other (sprout included), don’t sweat the small stuff and when the kid comes running at you with a “dad said I could…” always check the story. 😉

  3. 5 jobo January 25, 2012 at 10:01 am

    ((hug)) seriously, I know I say it all the time, but I think this would be my fear too, am I cut out to be a mom, what kind of mom will I be, will I share my emotion enough, tell my child how much I love them? I think it will all come naturally once sprout is born, my friend. And even if you aren’t the huggy, touchy-feely type, that’s okay, not everyone is (I fall somewhere in the middle) and it doesn’t mean you won’t know how to show your child you love them. You will. I promise.

  4. 7 Jeanette Lawrence Ghioto January 25, 2012 at 11:24 am

    The best way you & Tim can love your little sprout best and help him to grow into a “fine young man” as Opi used to say is to love each other FIRST and let him see it and know it and feel it – that is the nurturing and security of which real men are made. The go with your gut. PLEASE listen to your moms – no matter what. THEY have more wisdom then all of the experts… my kids used to say “but mom… ‘they’ say you are supposed to….” I ASK YOU WHO ARE THEY…THESE EXPERTS??? Go with your gut and HUG and kiss and squeeze him alot. That is until he reaches puberty then do it some more… he will roll his eyes but secretly LOVE it… at least thats what my grown sons tell me…

  5. 10 JessSutera January 25, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    I totally wonder the same thing- first of all, am I meant to be a mom? I still don’t know. I *think* I am but sometimes I wonder. I sometimes get that pull at my heart that tells me I’m getting closer to being ready to be a mom, but other times I’m like duuuude, so all set with that. And that scares me a little. Am I just insensitive and selfish and NOT mom material if I have those moments of uncertainty? I have no idea. And I guess that’s ok for now, yeah?

    Sorry, totally rambly way of saying — I think every woman must face that “what kind of mom will I be/should I be” but really, until you hold sprout for the first time, you won’t really know. And then? I just envision it flowing naturally. You being the mom you always wanted to be, almost like its an innate thing that just sprouts (for lack of a better word!) the minute you see your little baby for the first time. Am I making ANY sense at all at this point?? Oy what a novel of a blog comment this has become…

  6. 11 lifestartsnow January 25, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    you know what mom you will be? a loving one! and that’s all that matters in the end.

    now remember to push it (when the time is right)!! 🙂

  7. 12 Shannon January 25, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    I have this feeling after the Sprout comes you will write a post along the lies of…all this worry for nothing, it all just happened naturally. You will be great parents and THIS post…You will readjust a million times. I feel like everyday I’m adjusting with the Bear. As long as you love him it will be fine:)

  8. 13 Brett Minor January 26, 2012 at 11:45 am

    It will be fine. You get into a routine and much of the anxiety goes away.

    My best advice for parents: Don’t ever make a threat or promise you are not willing to carry out and ALWAYS follow through on the threats and promises you make.

    You want your kids to take you seriously and know that you mean what you say. You will have the most well behaved children and they will love you for it.

  9. 15 Sam January 26, 2012 at 10:35 pm

    If you are asking these questions of yourself now you will probably be a good mum 🙂

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