I know it is about to happen, regardless. It’s not like I can debate whether I WANT to be a mom or not.
I’m only a few weeks away from jumping in without looking, both feet first, into the mom role.
Lots of you have kindly told me I’ll be a great mom…and I really appreciate your support and your belief in me.
I’m honestly having a hard time seeing myself *as* a mom. I mean, I’ve never been one before so I guess that’s natural to feel? I have no idea. I just can’t see myself as “mom.” I mean, I can and I do in some kind of future in my brain when I think about the future that I don’t feel like has happened yet – if that makes any sense at all.
I see Tim and me as these adorably cute, loving parents to well behaved kids, doing things together as a family.
Granted, I realize this “future” can be easily mistaken for fantasy and I might just end up with a hellion but, still. Somewhere ahead of where I am now I see myself as a mom.
I just can’t see it…now. I can’t see myself as this nurturing, loving person to a little baby. Not that I’d be some distant, crazy ass mother or anything. I’m just having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror that way. I’ve always kept most of my emotions inside.
I told Tim awhile ago that I never want to be like that with the sprout. I want emotions on the outside.
If you’re feeling them, express them, don’t ferret them away. That’s what I’ve always done…until recently. I’ve been trying to allow my emotions to come out more which, by the way, has been way easier thanks to the pregnancy hormones.
It has (finally) gotten to the point that I was all teary eyed over something ridiculous at dinner the other night and Tim was like, “Whoa…why are your eyes all watery?! What happened?!”
I told him I’m trying to be more in touch and in tune with my emotions.
And I am.
I know boys aren’t “supposed” to be emotional but I definitely want to make sure the sprout isn’t afraid to express what he is feeling. I know all too well how much a locked up emotional response can eat away at you from the inside out. It isn’t healthy.
I want to be more huggy and kissy and touchy-feely. I didn’t grow up in a family like that but I want to have one. Tim is better at those things than I am, as his family is like that. Hugs all around. All the time.
I’ve gotten better over time but I still have a way to go.
I want to be more expressive. More emotional. More present in the moment.
As much as I felt like naming the sprout was pressure…when I think about what kind of example I want to lead…wow. That kind of pressure is monumentally more challenging than a name.
I know I am not going to be the perfect mom…I’m not trying to be one. I just want to be a mom who is emotionally present for her child. One who participates in their life and shows them plenty of love and affection. One who is a teacher and a listener and a disciplinarian.
Tim has his own set of daddy responsibilities that I know he feels stressed about. He’s already expressed how he is supposed to KNOW. EVERYTHING. so the sprout thinks his daddy is the smartest person in the entire world.
He and I both know we aren’t going to KNOW EVERYTHING but I understand what he’s saying.
He wants to be a good daddy. And knowing how to do things is part of that for him like being emotionally present and open is for me.
On top of it all, I want to make sure I’m both a good wife and a good mother in supporting him raising a son. There will be lots of things that I need to step out of and allow Tim to take the lead. It only makes sense when it comes to men and boys.
I’m not a man. I don’t know what it is like to be a boy. I have to step back and allow the lessons to come from Tim.
There are so many things I don’t know and so many things I’ll learn as we go along with the sprout but right now, when I have a free moment to think about everything that is about to hit us square in the face?
I’m really excited but I’d be lying if I admit I was scared.
It is like the first day of school…only a million times more daunting.