giving myself over

These weekends are flying by entirely too fast, y’all. There are only so many more weekends before baby sprout is like, here.

It feels like yesterday was Friday…where did the rest of the weekend go?

One good thing about today, since Monday’s generally suck?

It’s the start of the Chinese New Year.

This means baby sprout can come any time he wants from today forward and he will definitely be a water dragon.

I told Tim on our super-long-for-my-pregnant-vajayjay walk (4.7 miles and I’m feeling every step today) yesterday that we’d probably end up calling him “dragon baby” when he’s acting ornery and difficult. Honestly, I have no idea why I’m so into this Chinese animal symbol thing. I’m a dog…just a plain, regular, run of the mill dog.

Tim?

He was born during a special year and is a metal dog.

Sprout is a water dragon.

And I’m a mutt.

I was born on Groundhog’s Day, so there, Chinese calendar. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Anyhow, none of this has anything to do with what I was going to write about. Shocker, right?

So, as THE DATE gets closer and closer, Tim and I have been having multiple conversations about us and our marriage and how do we even know a baby won’t absolutely destroy us? We grew up in completely different family situations. His parents are still married. Mine…well…not so much.

In my brain somewhere it feels like kids = divorce because that’s what happened to my parents. Granted, as Tim pointed out, it is highly doubtful they would have stayed together had kids come into the picture or not but living through a separation and then divorce when you’re in the middle of your formative years does have an impact on you, regardless, so it is hard for me to not be slightly hesitant and fearful of what the introduction of a child means.

Tim, on the other hand, sees children as little people who bring a marriage closer together, bonding two people to each other even more than they already were before a child ever came into the picture. I can absolutely see why he thinks this way. I mean, yes, he had his parents as an example of how to be in a marriage through good times and bad, rough patches and warts, but he also seems to be of a different breed of men.

I’m sure there are lots of men who are like Tim, I just didn’t know very many and definitely never dated any. I somehow ended up finding guy after guy who would slightly resemble my dad in some way, which was obviously the wrong way to go because, well, duh.

It makes me feel really awesome to know that the choice I ended up making with Tim broke my bad men habits. He is completely different from any other guy I ever dated or was in a serious relationship with. It took awhile to get used to the switch and sometimes I still catch myself trying to fall back into my old ways, assuming things and thinking the worst.

I think it has taken my being pregnant to accept that I absolutely must trust that Tim will be here, through thick and thin, good and bad, that no matter what he’ll stick it out. He is the most dedicated and committed man I’ve ever known. I mean, he’d do anything for me and I deep down, I know this. I know he’ll never turn his back and walk out the door…unless I was a complete asshat and did something terrible to him…which I’d never do. It seems like my example of non-committment from my parents made me want to try to be as committed and faithful and honest as possible in my own marriage. I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

It’s Tim and me, me and Tim. Forever.

You know, we changed the traditional wedding vows from ’til death do us part’ to ‘forever and eternity’ or something like that. We decided that the commitment didn’t end at death…it goes way deeper than that…anyway…

Baby sprout will result in Tim seeing me in an entirely different way…a way he or I will not fully understand until it happens. A way that will result in more love and admiration than he or I ever thought possible.

A baby will bring us closer, not draw us apart.

I have finally given myself over to this reality. I am finally allowing myself to believe that Tim isn’t my dad. Tim isn’t going to leave. He’s going to be the best father he can possibly be. He’s going to be happy for his kids, not jealous or mean or envious or resentful.

I know can depend on him, count on him, believe what he tells me and trust that he will always be there for me and for our children – no matter what.

And allowing myself to accept this?

The most incredible feeling in the world.

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11 Responses to “giving myself over”


  1. 1 Amanda Perry @ Sistas of Strength January 23, 2012 at 9:55 am

    AWESOME! πŸ™‚ I think the key ingredient is communication. I think marriage gets harder (but also better) with kids.

    • 2 Jessica January 23, 2012 at 12:06 pm

      I totally agree. Without communication…nothing happens. πŸ™‚

      I know this new “phase” with kids will not be a cake walk…but I’m hoping the good outweighs the bad πŸ˜‰

  2. 3 Carlee January 23, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Just found out about this water dragon year! So excited Baby PR is going to be born a water dragon. As a former swimmer, I just know that water will have a calming effect as predicted πŸ™‚

  3. 5 Jodi Q January 23, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    “A good man is hard to find” isn’t a cliche for nothing. Congrats on the finding one, Jessica. Sprout will change things but it sounds like you know that and are ready to walk together into whatever that means, hand in hand. God bless you, your belly, your baby and your man.

  4. 7 Shannon January 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Look how close the Sprout as made the two of you already and he isn’t even here yet! Love this post!

  5. 9 Mrs Loquacious January 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Blessings on you and Tim and your “forever and eternity”! May it keep growing deeper roots as you journey this life together πŸ™‚

    Hubbs & I are equally-minded in that we do not consider the “D” word an option, ever, no matter what. However, because we share a similar faith background and are grounded in that, issues that tend to divide some couples (e.g. money, kids, in-laws, work) do not have that effect on us. We know, however, that like anything, a marriage takes work and commitment and prioritizing, so we make an effort to ensure that we invest in our marriage on a regular basis.

    • 10 Jessica January 23, 2012 at 3:29 pm

      Thank you!

      It does make it easier when you believe in the same things/have a similar moral compass. Granted, we have to try to stay conscious and work on our marriage daily but we at least, do not have to fight over things that are deeply rooted that we feel completely opposite about.

  6. 11 KB January 23, 2012 at 10:29 pm

    Yeah!

    That is all…

    KB


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