i have *the gift*

I break everything.

And it has only gotten worse with pregnancy clumsiness.

Just this morning I chipped a ceramic pot thing you put a hot pot on by trying to pick up a vase with basil in it that needed water that happened to be sitting on it and, wouldn’t ya know it? The vase was stuck to the ceramic thingy.

Why? Why was it stuck?

The other weekend while we were putting up our Christmas lights, I managed to break the outlet cover on an extension cord plug-into-the-socket thingy (I know…I’m so technical with my use of “thingy”) by unplugging a string of lights that was in it.

I mean, it’s not like I’m even doing anything “wrong.” I’m using THE THING exactly as it is supposed to be used. It just happens TO BREAK WHEN I USE TOUCH IT.

I threw down the piece (It was plastic. OMG) all, “I SO have the gift.”

Tim was like, “What did you do NOW?”

(because it’s always something bad and it always means he has to stop what he’s doing to fix something)

I held up the piece, showing him what I did.

He just shook his head and was like, “About your gift? I know. It’s absolutely incredible.”

(I don’t think he was supposed to agree with me)

It’s not like this kind of behavior should come as a surprise to him. This trend of things breaking when I use them started waaaaaaaay back in the beginning.

When Tim and I first started dating, I stayed at his house for a week (I have no idea…it was his plan)…so funny, thinking back to that week! I hadn’t secured my first – of two – jobs I had while Tim and I were together, yet, so I was at *his* house all day while Tim was at work. I remember sitting in the leather chair in the family room, my feet up on the ottoman, thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to live here all of the time…”

Little did I know…

Anyhow, that isn’t the point of this story.

Point is, the other thing I did during that week that was entirely more destructive was completely blow out the socket in the guest bathroom with my hair dryer…to the point he had to call an electrician to come out and fix it.

All I did was plug my hair dryer into the wall and turn it on.

The hell?

It’s like that was his warning and he didn’t heed it. At all.

I’ve broken the vacuum cleaner multiple times.

I shut the garage door ON MY BUMPER once because I didn’t pull my car in far enough. I had had a loooong day at work and I was tired and wasn’t paying attention, obviously.

That one was fun. At the last second, I saw what was going to happen and tried to stop it by holding the door so it would go up and not down but I guess it got confused because it started going up and then went back down again and crunched my bumper not once but TWICE.

Nice $300 mistake, that one.

I’ve broken five or so water glasses – two of which I replaced and gave to Tim as Christmas presents one year and the other three I broke when we moved into our house in Colorado.

I replaced those, too, but since we were already married and settled and this kind of action is to be expected at this point, I just went out and bought them.

No special gifts.

I’ve also broken a bowl since we’ve been here.

And the vacuum cleaner – again.

But seriously, I break EVERYTHING.

Or, more accurately, I just so happen to be the person using “the thing” when it breaks.


7 Responses to “i have *the gift*”

  1. 1 becomingcliche December 16, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    But when you’re pregnant, everyone forgives you for breaking anything at all. Except your water. They want you to do that somewhere else. Don’t ask how I know.

  2. 3 PJ December 16, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    It’s okay – I run in to everything. There are are constantly bruises on my body that I have no clue how I got. I call out “oww” so often that JZ has stopped asking what I did and if I’m okay. He also knows that if I actually needed him, I would say more than “oww.”

    We all have our “gift.”

  3. 5 ceciliag December 16, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    ok I had to laugh when you smashed you bumper with a garage door.. twice!! awesome.. I mean .. sorry.. c

  4. 7 Michelle Kreifels December 16, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    I thoroughly enjoyed this post. As someone who is somewhat accident prone and as someone who spends 5 minutes looking for their eye glasses and keys every morning, this cracked me up!

    My favorite is how many times you have broken the vacuum cleaner.

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