the things i wish i could say

I’ve come to realize that you all must think that life here at the Bold Casa is all sunshine and rainbows because, really, when do I ever say it is anything otherwise?

One thing I’ve kept away from ever writing about…wait. No.

Not true.

There are many things I don’t write about because, in my brilliant plan to start a blog, I openly told everybody and my brothers…and mom…and friends and extended family and anyone else who knew me ‘in the flesh’ about this little place I call home.

More like a house of glass windows is what it is.

I didn’t realize how making myself *known* in he blog world would limit me at the time. Β It completely restricts what I can say and what I can talk about. I have to make sure I’m not hurting someone – inadvertently or not. I’m constantly walking on eggshells.

I’m confined.

I’m relegated to the sunshine and rainbows.

And I hate being put in a box.

Except…I put myself in this box. I did this with my decision to not be anonymous – no one else.

I can’t, or, more accurately, do not allow myself, to talk about the stormy clouds that go on in my life…andΒ IΒ definitely have stormy clouds.

There will always dark patches and rough spots and hard times in life. If I said otherwise, I’d be lying or delusional.

Except….

DO YOU KNOW HOW BADLY I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS?….but…can’t?

SO. FRUSTRATING.

There is something completely different about writing in a journal that no one will ever read versus writing something that anyone can peruse. I can’t really explain why it is different. It just is.

I mean, for example, one of my current stormy clouds that I can probably get away with saying and not completely stepping on toes?

Attractiveness and pregnancy and marriage.

None of those things go together.

ZERO.

I realize some women feel more beautiful than ever in their whole entire lives while they’re knocked up.

To those women, I say: Suck it.

I feel like a big, lumbering hoss who isn’t desirable to anyone. At all.

The belly now grows by the minute, so this feeling isn’t getting easier to deal with. It’s getting harder. And as each day passes, I’m sucked farther down into the vacuum of undesirable.

I’m not saying I don’t marvel at the miracle that’s going inside of my uterus, here. I am.

It is absolutely incredible and wonderful and almost impossible to believe that I CAN GROW HUMANS.

Maybe if it was just the sprout and I, I may feel less…cowish…but it isn’t. There is someone else here in this…because isn’t that what marriage is all about?

Now, don’t get me wrong.

I’m extremely happy he is here, but the woman part of me still wants to be seen as some kind of desired sexual being and THAT ISN’T HAPPENING WHEN YOU HAVE TO GRUNT EVERY TIME YOU CHANGE POSITIONS.

Black cloud.

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28 Responses to “the things i wish i could say”


  1. 1 Amanda Perry @ Sistas of Strength November 30, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Sounds about right. Sorry to say, but being a new mom isn’t gonna make you feel any more attractive. I think it’s slowly getting better, but it’s been 6 months for me and I think it’s still going to take a bit more time. Yesterday was definitely one of those days where I did not like what I was seeing in the mirror. Being a woman (and especially a mom) is tough friend. But you know what, it’s awesome too. πŸ™‚

  2. 3 Shannon November 30, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    I had no idea the favor I was doing for myself by keeping my blog private and unknown to anyone who knows me. Thank God I did. I can’t imagine not being able to freely write so I don’t blame you for feeling like you are walking on eggshells. Have you ever thought about starting a private blog and only inviting a few? I know some have and they found it freeing.
    In terms of the not feel so hot thing, I can only say I have a feeling I’ll feel the same way. I don’t blame you. Besides a good facial, pedicure, manicure, etc to make yourself feel better about YOU I don’t know what else would be helpful. I’m sure TIm finds you attractive no matter what but of course you know that and of course it is about how YOU also feel about yourself.

    • 4 Jessica December 1, 2011 at 9:14 am

      I have thought about a private blog…but then I always decide against it…because I really don’t want to keep up with TWO….(laziness, I know)… πŸ™‚

      And you’re right – it is how *I* feel…that’s the most important and regardless of what Tim (or anyone) says, if I don’t believe it then……..yah….

  3. 5 singlemotherstories November 30, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    This is so so very true! I wrote a candid account on how “Blooming Awful” pregancay can be. I plan to keep updating it every now and again but like you, the world knows I am doing this so I jump topic and try to keep it humorous. Good luck with everything. And it’s ok to blog about the dark clouds. Everyone has them. Whoever says theiy’re not…. they’re lying… just like the women that say pregnacy is wonderful and the best thing that ever happened to them.

    • 6 Jessica December 1, 2011 at 9:15 am

      Thank you! It’s hard to write sometimes, knowing you’re being “watched” so to speak…you know??

      And I agree with those pregnant women who LOVE pregnancy. OMG. What is wrong with them?!

  4. 7 jobo November 30, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Girl, I am so sorry you are feeling so hampered by a) this blog not allowing you to vent and talk as honestly as you want and b) feeling criticized for being brave enough to admit what many women probably feel/felt when they were pregnant but didn’t want to say it. Maybe you need a little private blog just for the stuff you can’t say here? sucks to need two, but might help a little? XOXO

  5. 9 Joann November 30, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    This post made me sad. Its a good thing because we all have those things that crawl through our minds that aren’t exactly healthy or productive and we learn from each other when we share. I made the choice to be transparent with my struggles and how I work through them and you have chosen the rainbow road. Either way we both do what we feel is right for us and hopefully both ways help others. I guess I have decided that if people don’t like what I have to say, oh well, I’m not on this planet to please people or even myself. I’m totally with you on the not feeling sexy or desirable while being pregnant. I hated it when I was pregnant and never want to go down that road again! Two times was enough!

    • 10 Jessica December 1, 2011 at 9:17 am

      I hear you on not caring what others think about what I say…but when you have someone specifically request NOT to write about something (which I never mentioned in my blog)…it kind of puts you in a box…like…why are you telling ME what I can and cannot write? This isn’t your space!!

      Frustrating.

      Pregnancy is really a muse, isn’t it?

      • 11 Joann December 1, 2011 at 1:35 pm

        Gotcha! That does put you in a box. There are certain things that are sacred that I absolutely will not blog about, but for the most part, open book.
        And yes, it’s a muse, good or bad, there it is.

  6. 12 nysoonergirl November 30, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    If you ever feel the need to write about inappropriate things, please feel free to use my blog. I live for the inappropriate, never should be mentioned in public, gossip about people you know stuff. Seriously. Email me. We’ll work out an anonymous post for ya!

  7. 16 backstripe November 30, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    I have two blogs = one everyone knows about where I write a rare, bland thing or two, and the other one, where I write for me.

  8. 18 JessSutera November 30, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    Aww friend, I’m sad that you can’t use this blog how it’s meant to be used – as your personal corner of the Internet to do WHATEVER you want with it. I sometimes feel constricted by my blog since coworkers (some) read it and I’d love to bitch and moan about work and things but I avoid it for that reason. But that’s nothing compared to what you’re talking about here – I wish I had the right answer…the only thing I can think of is a separate private blog for when you need to vent…call it Booshy gone mad?? I’m only half kidding πŸ˜‰

    Hugs.

    PS. I am pretty sure if I ever get pregnant, I’ll battle the very same “hoss” feeling you describe above. You’re allowed to be in love with that sprout growing inside you but NOT in love with the process. Not everyone loves that pregnancy feeling, seriously.

    • 19 Jessica December 1, 2011 at 9:19 am

      booshy gone mad….loving that title! Or booshy rants. Heh…. πŸ™‚

      I don’t understand the people who do love getting all huge and bulbous…I understand loving feeling the baby move but…….the other parts? Meh.

  9. 20 Sam November 30, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    I’ll bet at least one person still finds you sexy…

    Totally with you on the retricted content thing. There are certain topics I just won’t do on my blog (beyond the just-how-much-do-you-want-to-reveal-in-public aspect), either because I’m just not ready to go there / expose myself like that, or risk burning bridges for that don’t need burning, based on who I KNOW reads the blog. If it was totally anonymous it would be much less inhibited (and probably more interesting. There is also the not wanting to write something that is going to come back and bite me on the arse years in an unexpected way years from now.

    • 21 Jessica December 1, 2011 at 9:21 am

      I hope so….because it certainly isn’t me!

      I feel the same way about not burning bridges – even though sometimes I want to write about something that has gotten a bee in my bonnet so badly that it drives me batty!

      My blog would probably be WAY more interesting, too, if I did write about those things…

  10. 22 Oregon Sunshine November 30, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    I know EXACTLY how you feel. Yep! I sure do! So email me if you need an ear and a safe person to vent to.

  11. 24 KB December 1, 2011 at 8:50 am

    Ok, I will apologize in advance for the mild smack down and hopefully you will take this in the spirit it is intended…big sister (inlawly) advice/commentary….

    Jessica, you have an amazing husband that the majority of the population would die for. He treats you like a princess and is one of the most loyal and hardworking men I know. He backs you 100% and honors and loves you like there’s no tomorrow. So if he is all these things and more, there is little reason to suspect that in your current state of producing his first born, he finds you any less desirable (correct me if I’m wrong, bro). If I still know my brother, I’m guessing he finds you even MORE desirable!

    So outside of him, is there anyone else you need to impress with your “shape?” If no, then the whole body image issue lies solely with you. And you have all the power to be in control of that image.

    Embrace it girl! Even if pregnancy came with getting ugly warts all over our faces, most women would still do it! Why? Because we are doing one of the most important things ever…bringing forth life and creating family. Also, you may not realize it, but there is usually a separate clause for pregnant ladies, as in you CAN look not your best and people will give you a pass with the whole, “ohhh,
    you’re pregnant!” nod and smile. It’s just the weird way of the universe… Lol

    So not that I’m tell you what to do, but I kinda am (sorry, still in bossy big sis role), please stop being so darn hard on yourself and ENJOY THE RIDE.

    Love ya,
    KB

  12. 25 thebakerbee December 1, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Oh my gosh I hear you. Or, I heard you back when I was preggo. You get the point. Now that Eli is 18 months, people keep asking when baby number 2 is coming. They keep asking the lady whose old clothes fit perfectly and who is back in really good shape when she is going to expand her belly to epic proportions again. Ummm, maybe never?

  13. 27 Angelia Sims December 1, 2011 at 11:27 am

    I have an anonymous blog. I love it. I say what I want. No one reads it. And I basically do it all by app. So believe me, it’s not hard to keep up with (on a completely diff platform) and it’s very much therapy.

    As for how sexy you feel? Well, that’s a toughie. I know Tim thinks you are more beautiful than ever and that little boy will think his mommy is the most beautiful mommy on the planet.

    I would give anything to experience pregnancy again (un-sexy and all). I had no idea I would only carry one of six to term. But thank goodness, I had the one. πŸ™‚

  14. 28 Amy December 1, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    This speaks to me. More the pregnancy part but the beginning part. Because, yeah. It’s very hard. That line of what we can and can’t say. It’s just one of those things we have to deal with. But you’re right. It’s hard.


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