One health issue I’ve never, ever had in my entire twenty eight years of living?
Whatever you want to call it, it is one of those pregnancy symptoms that suck.
Like, really, really suck.
It’s like all of a sudden you wake up one day, thinking everything is just peachy and then, after a bite or two of your regular breakfast, you realize you can no longer swallow without feeling like every single piece of food you eat gets stuck in your throat.
I mean, it is so bad that I can trace liquid going down my esophagus with my finger. I know the exact moment it reaches my stomach – which, by the way, is way higher than it used to be.
Yes, in my obsession with knowing everything that could possibly happen to me during pregnancy, I did read that some women…ok…FINE. Lots of women…end up getting some form of heartburn sometime during the second or third trimester, but I never thought it would happen to me! Why would I get something I’ve never had before? I have plenty of space up in the ol’ abdomen for baby sprout to move around and for my uterus to expand, right?
Right?…I’m begging here, body…
Stomach = squished
Squished = heartburn
Heartburn = the end of me eating a lot of foods that, personally, I’m not ready to part with, even though, technically speaking, the sprout and I are both better off if I don’t ingest them in the first place.
So, starting….(whimper…tear)…now, I’ve decided to impose a moratorium on certain foods because I’d rather *not* eat them versus feel miserable for hours afterward.
Goodbye, sugar…and dessert…spicy food…anything laden in grease and delicious…so long citrus fruits…though I may just give the big, fat middle finger to that one (as I sit here drinking lemonade). I love me some citrus and I’ve already been banned from eating anything with citric acid once in my life – thanks to an OD on chewable vitamin C “candy.”
(it totally wasn’t candy)
(I would eat them by the four-year-old fistful)
(my mouth rebelled on me for years)
(rebellion in the form of zillions of canker sores)
I finally decided that this moratorium had to happen last night after I ate a few candy corn, which are, by far, my most favorite Halloween candy IN THE UNIVERSE.
Immediately after eating my tiny triangles of YUM, the acid devil was in my throat, burning me from the inside out.
I looked over at Tim and was all, “No matter how badly I want sugar in the future, don’t you dare let me eat it!”
(and I regretted saying those words because that means I now have to be responsible)
He just looked at me like, “Riiiiiiiiiight…like I’m going to be the one to stop the pregnant chick from her food…you must be crazy.”
I saw the look on his face and was all, “I’m…I’m…I’m totally for serious….(whimper…tear…)! I don’t care if you have to physically restrain me while I’m kicking and screaming and begging like it’s my last day on Earth. Not eating the sugar is way better than how I feel right. this. second.”
I still don’t think he thought I was serious.
But I SO am.
(even though I’m currently crying in the corner, lovingly stroking my half empty bag of candy corn)
I’m going to knowingly and purposefully take away foods that currently make this pregnant chick salivate. It’s like I’m putting myself through even more torture than I’m already going to have to endure.
I really don’t know why I do this to myself.
I suppose, between now and February, I’ll have to keep chanting, over and over and over, that it isn’t for me, it’s for THE SPROUT.
(and THE SPROUT better be damn thankful, is all I’m saying)
Tim is already on high alert that his first job after the sprout comes is to find a deli and bring back the biggest meat sandwich he can get away with purchasing.
I’m talking big as in I’d be perfectly happy if he came back with two slices of bread and an entire ham, turkey and chicken between them.
Now, a massive piece of chocolate cake may have to be added to my post-birth order…massive as in think Matilda and the giant chocolate cake that poor kid had to eat in front of everyone.
And, honestly, I really don’t see what he was so upset about…I mean, DID YOU SEE THAT CAKE?!
***Footnote: I may have to take all of this and conveniently forget that I ever said it sometime around the end of November…and then again at the end of December. No one – especially not a SUPER PREGGO someone – subjects themselves to such torture during the last holiday season I’ll ever have without children.***