more on the sperm donor daddy

Some of you may remember my little rant about how my dad was basically a sperm donor (harsh…I know).

I just wanted to share a little more with you why I feel this way. Call it another example of How to Be An Asshole.

Eventually, I decided not to tell my dad that Tim and I were expecting. After going back and forth, debating with myself on what I should do, I finally decided that I was better off not re-opening the lines of communication.

Because, why would I want to do that again?

As I had my internal debate, I kept asking myself, “Why do you always have to be the one to try and mend the bridge?”

It’s a vicious, horrid cycle: I mend the bridge and then he burns it down.

Over and over and over again.

I decided I didn’t want to go through that. I didn’t want to set myself up for another fiery seance. I don’t need the stress and I certainly don’t need the guilt trips, unwanted visits and bologna “I love you’s” in my life.

So, I’m not doing it. I’m not telling him, even though I KNOW he knows about the sprout.

Has he ever contacted me about this little announcement that I failed to share with him?


I’m sure he’s mad because he had to find out third or fourth hand instead of straight from the horses mouth, complete with glitter and rainbows because ohmigosh she should have told me! I’m super duper important and I should be IN THE KNOW and the most awesome, perfect dad in the history of the universe is always supposed to know about these things because that’s who everybody thinks I am and if everyone knows that I didn’t know, then how are they supposed to continue to think that I’m SUPER AWESOME DAD OF THE CENTURY????!?!!?

Go ahead, SUPER AWESOME DAD, be mad. Your displeasure on this topic doesn’t affect my well being ONE. BIT.

It’s like he’s still expecting me to tell to him…still. And he’ll continue to cling to that belief until that baby pops right out of my va-jay-jay.

Because why wouldn’t I tell him? Haven’t I always? Hasn’t he always had the easy way out? The easy path? The one where he just sits on his ass and waits for people to come to HIM?

Newsflash: I’m not coming.

I’m pretty sure Tim and I are still undecided about how to approach the out-of-the-womb-Sprout and the fact that, yes, he actually has a grandfather in Georgia but, no, we don’t ever visit him. At this point, it would take a literal act of God…nothing short of a miracle…for us to actually let him back into our lives. There would need to be some major changes on his part…major…and based on the way he currently treats my three younger brothers and my mom, I don’t really see that change coming any time soon.

I honestly think I am happier without having to deal with his shenanigans. It’s like an entire mountain of stress is gone from my life because he isn’t part of it. I know he is too much of a coward to come forward and admit he did anything wrong. I really don’t think he’d apologize for anything he has ever done to me…or the rest of my family. It’s like he lives in this fantasy world where he’s perfect and everyone else should just bow down and stare, open mouthed, at all of his amaze-ball-ness.

Veil’s been lifted, dear daddy. I see through you.

I’m moving on and away from your horrible guilt-ridden grip.

How sad is that?

It’s like I’m supposed to care about him because he *is* my father BUT if I’m brutally honest, I don’t even like him as a person. AT. ALL.

He isn’t a good person. He isn’t someone I want around me. There is no other way to say it. He just…isn’t a good example of how a father should treat his family.

In his world, the stars and planets and moon revolve around him and bend to his will and he puts himself first. Always.

(Though he pretends and makes “outsiders” think he does otherwise. It’s disgusting, really)

Another part of me, though, is sad that it is this way. That part of me is sad that he will eventually lose the trust of everyone and live a lonely existence. The humane part of me doesn’t want to have to see that…part of me wants to turn a blind eye while the other part can’t help but watch…and want to help but would be terrified to do so, knowing that I would be taken advantage of, just like my mom was.

Then, the logical part of me reminds the humane part that I could never really “help” him because the only “help” he really needs is to help himself, first, before anyone else can do anything.

And the logical, protective part of me would never allow him to manipulate and just take, take, take from Tim and me.

Because that is exactly what he’d do.

He’s convinced Tim is some kind of millionaire and makes buckets of money and if he could just get in good with him, he could mooch off all of Tim’s blood, sweat and tears and be set for life.

Whenever we were still on speaking terms with my dad, any time we would see him, he’d make some snide comment about Tim making lots of money and blah, blah, blah. When those kind of comments started to come out, it sent me over the edge.

It’s not our problem you have serious jealously issues and don’t want to work for squat.


I mean, the man (my man, Tim) gives everything he has to his job and took the steps necessary to have a fantastic job, like going to college, for starters. But you, instead of just letting it be or actually being happy for Tim, you decide to make mean comments about money.


Also? Don’t ever ask us for anything. I think I’m beyond my ability to be generous with you because you certainly haven’t earned a single thing from us, let alone “assistance.”

PSA: Tim isn’t a millionaire.


26 Responses to “more on the sperm donor daddy”

  1. 1 jobo October 13, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    I don’t blame you one bit for not telling him. I would probably do exactly the same thing if it were me. Your dad sounds so much like my past relationship with my dad. Thankfully, it has improved, but I firmly believe that it doesn’t always improve, sometimes they do just become ‘the sperm donor’ and that’s that. XO.

    • 2 JessSutera October 13, 2011 at 4:39 pm

      since duh my sis basically took the words out of my mouth about OUR dad, I have to reply to say “yup, totally agree.” This is YOUR baby with YOUR husband and it’s your right who gets to be part of sprouts life and who doesn’t. If you are not comfortable with your dad being part of it, then you should do what feels right by you, and your child and your relationship. That is all. He hasn’t earned the right, clearly.

      • 3 Jessica October 14, 2011 at 8:10 am

        Love my sistahs! It is still so weird how similar that part of our lives are…even though you two have a better relationship with him, now.

        I totally agree – he hasn’t earned the right…and Tim and I are in charge of any future relationship…but, still. Why does it have to be this way?

  2. 4 Oregon Sunshine October 13, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Yep, been there. I don’t have anything to do with my dad. Nor do my kids. If you want to talk about my experiences and decisions, shoot me an email.

    It’s alright to choose not to include your father in your life. Really, it is. And The Sprout won’t suffer because of it. Promise.

    • 5 Jessica October 14, 2011 at 8:11 am

      Tim comes from a very traditional, nuclear family…Italian no less…so that’s where part of the struggle lies, I think. It doesn’t seem “right” for the sprout to NOT know a grandfather…

      • 6 Cindy October 14, 2011 at 11:25 am

        But the really really good part is that Tim’s dad is awesome! As is his entire family! So the sprout will not be without a grandfather, he’ll be without someone who (from what you’re saying) would not be an asset to his life anyway. More of us should have the guts to cut out the people who don’t add to our lives, especially those who drag it down. I’m sure it’s billions of times harder when it’s a parent, and I don’t envy you, but as you’ve said the relationship is destructive. It’s not a relationship. Go with your gut, and just know although you’re super worried, the sprout doesn’t have all the baggage and will generally just take life as it is. He’s going to have tons of loving people around him and will lack for nothing without your dad around. *hugs*

        • 7 Oregon Sunshine October 14, 2011 at 12:01 pm

          I second Cindy, as I have the same reasoning. My kids aren’t suffering from knowing my father, their grandfather. However, they may suffer if I had a relationship with the B-tard, because I’d be stressed and unhappy, plus the dysfunction with him would spill over onto him. It’s not what I want for my kids.

          And I understand Italian families. I was married into one. They won’t judge you BECAUSE Sprout doesn’t know your father. They’ll be quite happy to have more time with Sprout because of it.

  3. 8 Jessica @Travelingjess October 13, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Having a sister in law I feel the same way about… I understand. Hold your ground. You are in the right.

  4. 10 Michael Cargill October 13, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Wow, that’s quite the story there. Sorry to hear that.

    As ever it just goes to show that you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.

  5. 12 Elphaba October 13, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    Yikes, what a tough situation. It sucks when parents don’t live up to their duty and who we want them to be.

  6. 14 Papa Guy October 14, 2011 at 12:20 am

    Pretty harsh there kiddo….I guess you had to let that go. sad…..I really love my grandkids, they are two awesome little guys.

  7. 17 Brandy October 14, 2011 at 2:13 am

    Jess, so sorry you have this stress. You have a sperm donor father that you want nothing to do with and I miss mine everyday.

    Keeping him at arms length is definatley a good thing. Protecting you and your family is the goal. However, it might be nice to send a picture of sprout after. No card necessary. Write on the back name and date and leave it at that. Maybe you’re father will own up, get over himself and be a productive grandfather. Children change people…

    Hopefully this blog helped you, you ovbiously have some pent up anger towards him. Do not let it control you or your life.

    Tim is an awesome man and will be a great hands-on dad. I can’t wait! Blessings to you all (fur kids included)!

    • 18 Jessica October 14, 2011 at 8:13 am

      I try not to be angry…and usually I’m not. Some days, though…it just gets to me…obviously. 🙂

      I am so sorry about your dad! I know the pain never goes away…but, still, I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you…hugs, friend!!

      • 19 Brandy October 14, 2011 at 11:20 am

        Thank you. On Thanksgiving day it will be 2 years. I can’t believe that much time has passed. I guess I opened that can of worms to say that my dad wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t the perfect child but he did try.

        I guess I’m hoping that your father will give an effort once sprout is born.

        BTW – it’s beautiful here today; 64 degrees and breezy!

  8. 20 bevchen October 14, 2011 at 5:46 am

    I’m lucky – my dad is great. My step dad, on the other hand, is a complete waste of space. My brother (half brother, technically) is his son and he barely speaks to him. Obviously he has to occasionally seeing as whenever he (brother) is home from university the two of them live in the same house, but it really is only occasionally and mostly to be polite/keep the peace. It’s a sad situation. But just because somebody happens to be a father doesn’t give them any automatic right to be in someone’s life. It’s a privelige that has to be earned. And if you think your baby is better off without your father in his life you are probably right.

    • 21 Jessica October 14, 2011 at 8:15 am

      You’re right – there is no “pass” to get to be in someone’s life – regardless of your relationship to that person. I have no idea what my dad thinks when it comes to that…but he certainly, like you said, may believe he has some automatic right to the sprout…which he doesn’t.

      Also, sorry it has to be that way with your step-dad and your half brother. I know how much of a strain that puts on an entire family…

  9. 22 Michael Cargill October 15, 2011 at 4:53 am

    I have noticed that some of the people commenting here don’t have their account linked with their blog. This means people can’t click on your name and view your blog so you are missing out on visitors. To fix this do this (assuming you have a blog of course):

    In the Dashboard go Users > Personal Settings. Scroll to the bottom and look for the ‘Website’ box and make sure that the full address for your blog is written there.

    This is aimed at Cindy, Brandy, Papa Guy, and Jessica @Travelingjess

  10. 23 ruggedgrace October 17, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Your strength is SO much bigger than you’re giving yourself credit for! Awesome blog mama, the fact that you’re already protecting your “sprout” from the pain that YOU had to go through, speaks volumes! ❤

    • 24 Jessica October 17, 2011 at 3:37 pm

      Thank you…for all of your wonderful compliments! I feel like I’m blushing!!

      And I AM being protective…I feel like I have to be…what does the sprout know??….nothing.

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