the two a.m. poo emergency

I’m tired. And cranky. And tired.

Mostly tired.

Thing is, most days, I am like Super Energy Woman. So, days like these kind of take me by surprise because it’s like, “Oh? You’ve been feeling awesome? You say sometimes you forget you’re even pregnant? Well, let me remind you about *that thing* going on inside of you.”

Thanks, pregnancy?

I actually don’t *always* need that swift kick in the rear, as I’ve lately been getting lots of kicks…real ones, not the hypothetical kind, from the sprout.

Tangent: I’m pretty positive I finally figured out that Lexi, our chocolate lab, is lactose intolerant. I’ve noticed that any time she has cheese, we she will have nighttime “issues” that have resulted in not once, not twice, but THREE different (recent) mornings we have awoken to a large pile of nasty, runny, disgusting doggie poo upstairs in our loft.


It’s like she decides at some point during the night that she just couldn’t hold it any longer and instead of alerting somebody, she did the next best thing her doggie brain could think of: Yes! That’s it! Poo inside!

Why she doesn’t whine or scratch the bed like she does when I haven’t fed them breakfast (OMG. One second past 7 am and both dogs are having a conniption fit) or GO ON THE EASIER TO CLEAN WOOD FLOOR DOWNSTAIRS is beyond me.

Anyhow, this will come full circle, eventually.

SO. Lexi ate cheese yesterday…before I made the cheese = loft poo connection.

Then, last night, drama ensues.

I wake up all night long now, as we all know, and last night was no different, though I’m not sure if I woke up because I had to pee or because I heard Lexi do her full on, head to tail body “shake” that jingles her tags on her collar and drives me batty.

I yelled out in the dark all, “Lexi! Come lay down!”

She didn’t.

I yelled again, this time with more fervor.

She still didn’t come, and she usually does without any complaint.

So, groaning, I decide to get up, some small voice in the back of my head speaking to me, “It’s probably a good idea to go see what she’s up to. NOW.”

I walked down the hallway, turned on the light and immediately see Lexi, about to drop a load IN THE LOFT.


After the first three times we found poo in the loft, Tim and I have been making sure both dogs pee AND poo before bed to try and avoid this “situation.”

Little did we know, there is no amount of “avoidance” possible when dairy is involved.

Anyway, Lexi stops, sees me standing there, staring at her, and doesn’t skip a beat. She bolts downstairs to the back door, waiting on me to let her out.

At least, after she saw I was awake, she was smart enough to stop her attempt at an indoor poo.

I followed her downstairs, unlocked and opened the back door that, conveniently, leads to our backyard, still mostly asleep. The second I managed to get both the sliding glass and screen doors wide enough for her to fit through, she ran into the grass like her tail was on fire, barely making it into her awkward my-back-legs-are-longer-than-my-front-poo-squat before I hear the nastiest sounding squirts coming from the darkened yard.

I don’t know about you, but this is exactly how I like to spend my morning…at TWO AM.

I mean, good thing I just so happened to wake up because I don’t even want to know what that sound looked like.

I decided to go relieve myself in the downstairs bathroom, since Lexi didn’t look like she’d be finished any time soon and I’m all about efficiency these days.

When Lexi did finally come back inside, she was legit bouncing all over the place in sheer, abundant joy as if she was saying, “thank you thank you thank yoooouuu!!!!”

You’re welcome, fur child. Next time you are having “issues,” TELL SOMEBODY. Preferably before TWO IN THE MORNING.

I lumbered my way back upstairs to bed, still less than pleased with the whole situation. I don’t care what kind of “preparation” that is for an infant. It SUCKS to be woken up that way. You’re totally discombobulated and your brain is only functioning at about 25%, the other 75% trying to figure out why you’re vertical and conscious.

Then, of course, as these type of random, what the hell kinds of things tend to happen, my brain was now “awake.”

This? Bad, bad mojo.


When mommy wakes up, so does the sprout.

Before, it didn’t really matter that the sprout woke up because I couldn’t feel him.

But, oh, the times? They are a changin’

I certainly can feel him now.

And as my reward (read: sarcasm) the sprout decided to spend the next hour kicking me to the point I completely gave up on falling back asleep…until FOUR AM…only to get up again at 5:30 AM with Tim so I could make his lunch before he went to work.

(Yes. I do that. The lunch thing.)

As neat as it is to feel the sprout, he’s getting strong and his kicks are sometimes really…um…shocking. Like, takes me by surprise, how is it you can kick me so hard?? kind of jarring sensation that comes out of nowhere.

So, last night earlier this morning, I kept begging the sprout all, “Puhlease! It’s sleepy time, not kicky time! Mommy is tired! Puhlease let mommy go back to sleep!”

[enter massive kick to the lower abdomen]


15 Responses to “the two a.m. poo emergency”

  1. 1 jobo October 4, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Ugh! I feel for poor Lexi given I too am lactose intolerant 😉 but yes, that is probably the last thing I’d want to be doing at that hour too! Or any hour, for that matter 😉 At least it was HER poo and not YOURS? that’s what I thought this was going to be about hehe.

  2. 3 Doodling Through Life October 4, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Lucky you caught the dog! 🙂 motherhood will be fine and your body will miraculously adjust to new demands.

  3. 5 mm October 4, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Ugh. Dog bowel issues are awful! One of mine has a sensitive stomach and whenever he eats ANYTHING other than his normal food – disaster. I’ve never had to clean it off the carpet, but have had to clean out his crate a few times. Even though it sucks to be awake in the middle of the night, it’s a good thing you caught her. I imagine cleaning that off the carpet would have been way worse when you’re pregnant and it’s 2am.

    • 6 Jessica October 5, 2011 at 7:56 am

      That is exactly like Lexi. Her stomach cannot handle ANYTHING it seems…ugh.

      And yes, the actual mess would have been way worse…and would have required me to go wake up Tim and be all, “Small problem…”

  4. 7 Oregon Sunshine October 4, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    You have my sympathies. My Aussie, Copper, has tummy issues with lamb. Unfortunately, it took 3 years to figure this out, during which, he was on a lamb based food per the vet. (The vet, who breeds Aussies SWORE that a food sensitivity couldn’t be the problem and yet couldn’t find a reason for his repeat illness). Poo emergencies are no fun. And in cases like Copper’s, it takes a long, long time for the intestines to heal themselves from the damage caused by unhappy foods. So, any change, even the slightest change in his diet has me up cleaning up after him (he’s crated) between 2-4 am, if I don’t get him out quickly enough.

    I hope the Lexi issue is solved, and that there will be no more dairy in her life. And no more poo emergencies.

    • 8 Jessica October 5, 2011 at 7:57 am

      Lamb! What is it about that that makes dogs sick?! Lexi had the same issue with lamb food…puked EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. until we switched food.

      We only crate the dogs when we leave the house…for good or bad…

      It sounds like Lexi and Copper have a lot of (stomach) issues in common.

  5. 9 Angelia Sims October 4, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Nothing worse than the squirts at 2am! POOR LEXI! No cheese for you! LOL.

    Hoping the sprout doesn’t flip his days and nights!

    I don’t remember Sydney’s movements being too hard, but later, when she got the hiccups it was sooo weird. Crazy stuff.

    Hang in there!

    • 10 Jessica October 5, 2011 at 7:58 am

      I’m hoping he doesn’t, either! He’s the most active in the AM right now…hopefully it stays that way!

      I haven’t experienced the hiccups yet…that should be interesting. 🙂

  6. 11 Wildology October 4, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Poor Lexi (no more cheese *sad face*)…and poor you! No sleep for the weary. My friend actually got bruised on her insides from being kicked so much…yikes!

  7. 13 Joann October 5, 2011 at 8:19 am

    I do feel sorry for you, but reading it is so dadgum funny that it makes it hard. Thank you for saying that you get up with your husband in the early a.m. All of my friends look at me like I have a second head when I say that I get up at 5 am to make my hubby breakfast and pack his lunch. I’m glad I’m not alone!

    • 14 Jessica October 5, 2011 at 10:59 am

      It was funny…I mean, I guess we all have to find humor in our lives somewhere, right? Might as well be in poo. 🙂

      I don’t make breakfast…he usually just eats cereal or oatmeal or something but he goes to work all day, the least I could do is help a little, right?

  8. 15 thoughtsappear October 6, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    I’m sorry that your dog is lactose intolerant, but when I first saw the title, I was afraid this was gonna be a post about your poo and pregnancy. That might have scared me off from kids.

    ::big sigh of relief::

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