but…my boobs are happy

I think I’ve mentioned my massive knockers already…probably more than once…definitely more than appropriate…BUT.



It finally got the point where I relented and admitted that my old bras were no longer cutting mustard. I had boobie overage everywhere. And that? Not exactly the kind of support I need.


No, especially if I don’t want saggy boobs post-baby.

Now, I know zero about bras because I’ve never really needed them much. Sure, a sports bra so things were nice and snug during exercise but any other time? You wouldn’t even know if I was actually wearing one or not. I am was tiny and perky and who needs a bra for that? Really?

You should probably know that I enjoy bras about as much as pumping gas and getting my fingernails ripped off one by one. Basically, if I didn’t HAVE to wear one, then I wasn’t. Call me bra phobic or a hippie or setting myself up for trouble later but y’all, I’m not a fan.

I’m pretty sure this was a slight shock to Tim when we first met and things began to get serious. He tried to be supportive (ha. punny) while also nicely showing his personal preference (he’s pro-sexy-bra) by purchasing me pretty bras from Victoria’s Secret.

But I rarely wore them.

So, he gave up. Eventually.

I still feel bad about this. It’s not that I don’t WANT to indulge his preferences. Some of the things he likes…err..prefers… (that will never be named) are super fun. I’m only sad I couldn’t do more of them before I had preggo belly. That kind of ruins the experience…anyway, back to the boobs.

When I wear a bra, I feel like my upper body is all bound up in those tiny shoes the Chinese chicks used to (do they still?) wear.

I’d wriggle and pull at the straps and huff around, pouting, the entire time I was wearing a bra. It was just too damn uncomfortable and coming from a girl who absolutely could not stand the way that seams on the toes of socks felt in her shoes, bras were like the devil of horrible inventions.

By the way, there is nothing wrong with Sasquatch feet, people. Trust me. Size 11, right here.

(and apparently feet grow during pregnancy…so this foot size thing will soon become comical if my feet get any larger)

But, here I was, massive knockers that needed help…and I finally relented.

Tim and I headed to the mall – mostly to look at baby stuff (OMG. SO. FUN.) and to also go to Victoria’s Secret so I could be “properly” sized. I mean, I had no idea what size to buy or how to even determine my boob size and if there was one thing I was doing right, it was the bra size.

Turns out, however, that Victoria’s Secret up and vacated without telling the important people, like the Mall Directory. We’re still new and have no idea where anything is in the mall.


A tragedy, especially when you’re preggo and the first thing that happens when you walk through the double doors is that you have to pee. This isn’t just any kind of, “Oh, just, whenever we happen across a bathroom, I’d like to stop.” This is more like, “I’m having chills up and down my body and if we don’t find a bathroom right. this. second I will literally sit and squat in one of those potted plants.”

We walked half of the mall, following elusive signage that kept promising the bathrooms were just ahead.

They weren’t.

They were far, far away and hidden. Completely unfriendly to those who have a tiny child parked on their bladder, bouncing up and down on it like it’s a trampoline.

I almost didn’t make it.

Then I had two more emergency pees before we finally made our way into Nordstrom.  All of these potty breaks within about thirty minutes…

None of this has anything to do with bras, by the way. I’m just sharing with you that you might think you’re going somewhere for a specific purpose but what really happens is pregnancy takes over and you’re basically just trying to appease whatever it wants.

So. Nordstrom.

As Tim and I walk to the Intimates section, he was all, “Can I go sit down somewhere else?”

Me: Sure. There’s a bench thing right there.

Tim: No. (small huff) I’ll go be the supportive husband…………how do you even askthat question, anyway? Do you measure boobies? Are you a certified boob measurer?

Me: Probably the second one.

Turns out, you just need to ask if they “do measurements.” Apparently that’s code for “I need you to tell me how to find a piece of fabric that fits these two things sitting on my chest without me wanting to claw it off every two seconds.”

Because I’ve never had my boobs measured by anyone. I haven’t even measured them before. It’s like I have  virgin boobs.

I had this nice lady – let’s call her Betsy – who probably could have been my grandmother take me into a dressing room. She took out her tape measurer thing and was all, “just take off your shirt and leave on your bra.”

Me: I’m not wearing a bra.

Betsy: Oh. Um. Oh. Hmm. Ok. Ummm. Off with your shirt, then.

Apparently, people are supposed to wear bras at fittings. No one told me this.

Betsy had to do the measurements on raw boobies. No fabric involved. Then I stood there, bare from the waist up, waiting on her to go find whatever bras she thought would fit.

Now, y’all, my bra alphabet has always stopped at A. I didn’t expect it to go much farther than that. How big, really, could my boobs get in 19 weeks?

Betsy came back in with a handful of bras to try and figure out which size would fit me best.

I glanced  at the tags on the bras, curious as to the sizes she brought back and I think the corresponding reaction on my face was something like, “What? There must be some kind of mistake, here, Betsy. My boobs? That size? There must be some kind of error in calculation somewhere. I mean, I’m super terrible at math but that just doesn’t seem right.”

Turns out, my alphabet grew by more than just a few letters.

On went the bra in the impossible size and it’s like the boob angels were shining down on me because it actually fit. Like, the boobs filleth the cup.

I never in my life thought I’d be able to say that I’m bigger than an A.

I’m bigger than an A!

I mean, I know I keep saying they’re HUGE and all but this is like, proof. Aprofessional told me I had super huge knockers.

That obviously makes it official.

Betsy kept coming in with a handful of bras, I’d try them on and then we’d pick one that was a possibility – if any – and off she’d go again, hunting for more.

I texted Tim while I waited, again, for Betsy to bring me bras that fit the description I gave her: comfortable.

My text was something like, “I actually haven’t been kidnapped. Also? You will NEVER guess what size I am!”

Because I still didn’t even believe it.

Betsy and I finally found two bras – a pretty one with an underwire and a no-wire bra that I could probably sleep in if I wanted to – that I was happy with and didn’t feel like…anything. It’s like I could wear these bras and not even know it was there.


I came out of the dressing room and bought my two little pieces of fabric that were asspensive! OMG! Why didn’t someone warn me that it was more expensive to buy bras than it was to go out to dinner at a super nice restaurant??

As Tim and I walked out of the store an hour later (someone also forgot to mention that it takes forever to be fitted into a bra) he was all, “So, how much were they?”

Me: You really don’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss.

Tim: No. I really do want to know.

Me: Um…really? You really want to know?….

Tim: Yes…

Me: You’re sure?

Tim: Out with it, chica.

Me: (gulp) $140…and change.

Tim: ?!?@?$?@#?!@ For how many bras?

Me: Two? But they’re super special!

Tim: What makes them super special? Do they sing to you? Latch themselves? Auto-adjust?

Me: ….

Tim: So, they’re not super special. You’re just trying to justify them?

Me: Maaaybee….but I needed them! My boobs! You don’t want me to have saggy boobs, right?

Tim: I mean, I’d expect $40 a bra but…I just…I just….for a bra?!

Me: But…my boobs are happy. And in the end, isn’t that really what’s important, here?


36 Responses to “but…my boobs are happy”

  1. 1 mooselicker September 19, 2011 at 10:16 am

    My name’s Tim so I pretended that was me in that conversation.

  2. 3 We're Jumpin' September 19, 2011 at 10:17 am

    This is funny. I totally get ya with the price though. Holy Moly! At least those puppy carriers will last 😛

  3. 5 tinkerbelle86 September 19, 2011 at 10:32 am

    i hear you. my housemates whinge at how terrible it must be for me to have big boobs but for one day i would love their tiny little ones. they can wear everything!!!

  4. 7 PJ September 19, 2011 at 10:57 am

    OMG! I know the feeling of suddenly having boobs! I was flat – as in didn’t wear a bra except for sports – until I went on the pill. It has taken me 10 years to figure out which bras I like and which I don’t. And the price – eek!

  5. 9 Amanda Perry @ Sistas of Strength September 19, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    You seriously crack me up. I am loving these posts. I had a very similar experience in Victoria’s Secret when I was 10 weeks preggo. My first trip actually ending in me being way too tired to care so I left with nothing. A few days later I realized that I NEEDED to get something that fit so I went back and got measured and bought a few in my new (HUGE) size.

    Oddly enough both of those bras have now gone missing and I could use them for a little longer since I am nursing and don’t always feel like wearing a nursing bra. Speaking of which, Tim is really going to love it if you have to get some of those (not sure if you are planning to nurse). Talk about super sexy.

    • 10 Jessica September 20, 2011 at 2:26 pm

      You totally should find those bras…because I’ve seen pictures of nursing bras? Sexy…definitely………..super awesome sexy….

      I still can’t believe my new huge size!

  6. 11 Shannon September 19, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    I have never seen anything but an A and I’m in the samw boat as you…why the need for a bra? Hopefully Tim can, uh, enjoy them why you have them:)

  7. 13 Oregon Sunshine September 19, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Perhaps you were uncomfortable in bras before because you hadn’t been properly sized? And yes! Bras are ass-spensive!

  8. 15 Amy September 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    This? Funniest post I’ve ever read from you. Hysterical.

    However, I have to say that I know you are not a bra-buyer by trade. A professional bra buyer so to speak. From the sounds of it you are a rookie at best. So I will tell you this. My boobs? Ginormous. Ginormouser than yours, I guarantee unless you went from an A to almost halfway through the alphabet. I cannot buy bras in a regular store. I have to order them. So yeah. Ginormous. Each bra runs me about $50. Fifty.

    So the opinion of this professional bra-buyer (not that you asked for it) is that “Betsy” may have been a sweet old lady, but she brought you the most expnsive bras she thought she could get you to go for. At Nordstrom’s. Now that you know your size… I’d take those suckers back and go to Sears or Penny’s. Just as nice, but you could get 4 – 5 for what you just paid for 2. Even at Victoria’s (if they didn’t disappear from your mall) would have netted you 3 – 4.

    And I don’t know you, obviously, so for all I know you are made of “The Money”, but judging by Tim’s reaction, you might not be COMPLETELY made of “The Money”, so I just wanted to let you know.

  9. 17 Erin Brambilla September 19, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Too funny!

    And if you decide to breastfeed they’ll get even BIGGER. For a while anyway. Let the good times roll, right :)? Pregnancy and childbirth are so fun.

    Yeah, the foot growth thing? I’ll wish, for your sake, that you don’t experience that part. But this size 8 foot went to a 9 after kids.

    Tim sounds just like my husband :).

    • 18 Jessica September 20, 2011 at 2:28 pm

      Yes. Breastfeeding. And kinda freaked about how much bigger these things could possibly get. They are going to need their own zip code, soon!

      And my feet? I guess I’ll be wearing flip flops in the winter….*sigh*

      Maybe our husbands are like long lost brothers?

  10. 19 thewaiting September 19, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    “Raw boobies”…well put. Love it!

  11. 21 thebakerbee September 19, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    So I’m here to tell you that the two bras I bought while I was pregnant were also the two bras that I wore post pregnancy from months like 4-12. Way more better than nursing bras. I was really sad when I stopped nursing and my boobs shrunk so much I couldn’t wear them anymore. And… now… hellp saggy boobs. 😦

  12. 23 momisalwayswrite September 20, 2011 at 7:49 am

    So funny! I remember the big boob thing. Only one grew and I was lopsided and had to stuff the other 34D (big for me, be kind) with lots of padding. Beware girl — your “girls” will NEVER be the same. Lovely post!

  13. 25 Michelle September 20, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Keep the expensive bras, wash them by hand or in a laundry bag on the gentle cycle if you have a washing machine without the agitator. Hang them up to dry. But… now that you know your size, you can go whereever and get them cheeper. And BTW, Victoria’s Secret did you a favor by not being there, those chicks don’t know crap. Enjoy the new girls!

  14. 28 Cara September 20, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Men will never understand the importance of paying for an expensive bra…that is until we develop over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders. Then, THEN, they will get it!!! P.S. I’m nervous about ever getting pregnant. The amount of bathroom trips you are taking scares me. Not because that is a lot of pee but because that is me on a normal day sans baby on the bladder and I’m frightened I would have to resort in wearing a diaper at that point…

    • 29 Jessica September 20, 2011 at 2:32 pm

      Oh, the bathroom trips are probably the least of my (your) worries. Wait until the really fun stuff happens like…things no one has told me about yet but I’m sure they’re bad if they’re called the “bloody show.”

  15. 30 PJ September 20, 2011 at 11:06 am

    OMG – today is baby gender day! I hope you don’t keep it a secret for too long!! (don’t tweet, so this is the best way I know of to get the message to you)

  16. 32 Amy September 20, 2011 at 11:39 am

    I seriously can’t take it… the waiting…

  17. 34 Angelia Sims September 20, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Yay for bras! Boo to being SOOO expensive. I had to buy one for my wedding last year. DANG@!

    Congrats on your new size! Trust me, they don’t go back down. You got beaming headlights for life.

    Can’t wait to here about the gender! Whoop!

  18. 36 opalsword September 25, 2011 at 4:08 am

    That’s hilarious! But seriously, it seems like the larger you are, the more expensive bras get and the more difficult it is to find pretty bras. Takes years of online and in store searching which the majority of wmen just don’t have the time for!

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