what i wouldn’t give for a good poo…

And naive little me thought planning a wedding was daunting.

It’s actually comical, the comparison my brain was obviously unable to conceive. Planning for another human being is seventy gazillion times harder than a wedding.

SEVENTY. GAZILLION.

Getting married to another person who already exists? Easy peasy.

Welcoming and planning your future life for a person who is currently being created from nothing? HALP.

Can you tell I’m in a state of utter disbelief and also more than slightly overwhelmed?

Actually, if you’re more of a visual learner, like me, here’s what my “overwhelmed” looks like: !?&@$?!!!!?$&@&$?!!!!??!!!??!$&@!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!….!!!!!!!!!…..??!!?…!!!!!

You never really think about the little things that – right now, before the baby – you can take care of without much thought. Take today, for instance. I had to make an emergency trip to the car dealership for a nail-in-my-tire situation.

Nail-in-my-tire-post-sprout?

O.M.G.

This kind of activity will absolutely require much, much more pre-planning and effort once there is a tiny human being involved.

I’m not complaining, exactly. Well, maybe I am. Just a wee bit?

It’s like this tiny person I’ve never even met – the sprout – someone who is literally HALF of me, is going to take over and control my life.

FOREVER.

Did I mention how much I like being *in control?*

Of e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

Do you realize that, for the first time, ever, IN MY LIFE, I have zero control?

I’ve had to give up understanding the random changes in my body, the unexpected ups and downs in my emotions, the fact that no, I can’t always take a poo on a daily basis…and by the way? This particular pregnancy side effect?

Extremely disruptive and miserable for everyone involved.

I’m pretty certain Tim has heard enough about (the lack of) my bowel movements.

You don’t understand. Taking a poo will make or break my day here, people.

I’ve had to surrender everything – bowels and all – to the sprout. Twenty four hours a day. Seven days a week.

I don’t know why anyone says your life is forever altered once the baby comes.

My life is already altered.

I don’t get a break. Or a time out. Or three minutes feeling like my normal self.

I get horrid gas and bloat (you’re welcome for all of the poo related visuals) and random cravings that are so inexplicably strong that I end up dismantling a rotisserie chicken in my car in the grocery store parking lot because I. NEED. MEAT. NOW.

And no, pregnant women don’t care how ridiculous they look when shoveling chicken meat into their face like it was their last meal ever in the whole world. It’s like some other worldly force takes over and all we see are dancing roasted chickens doing the mamba.

I didn’t really expect any of these things. No. Correction. I NEVER expected any of these things.

I’m convinced that even if someone had sat me down before i was even pregnant and said, point blank, that post-conception, you absolutely will not have regular bowel movements, running will become abnormally painful and kiss your sleep goodbye…I wouldn’t have believed them and I definitely wouldn’t have any frame of reference for what all of these things would feel like.

There’s just no way to know…until it happens.

To you.

Yet, even with me going on and on about this, there is a silver lining.

And it’s a highlight that I’m sure God planned for, knowing how miserable some days would be during this pregnancy process.

What is it, exactly?

Something freaking amazing is beginning to happen that has magically erased every piss poor emotion I may have had during the day.

The sprout is MOVING.

And?

I CAN FEEL HIM/HER.

There are not words to describe this sensation. I would give up my regular poo schedule if I could feel them kicking around all day.

It’s THAT awesome.

But…movement also means we’re that much closer to the sprout’s arrival.

And what’s better? We don’t have a single thing ready.

We don’t even have a list of potential names. The sprout is going to end up with a sad, blank first name line on their birth certificate.

Out of sheer frustration or procrastination – not entirely sure which – Tim and I decided we’ll save the name dilemma until after next Tuesday.

Why then?

What’s so special about Tuesday?

(other than it being the day before hump day, which is, duh, always something to celebrate)

This upcoming Tuesday is when we have THE ULTRASOUND that will (hopefully, fingers crossed!) tell us if the sprout has external family jewels or…not. If they’re an XX or XY. If they’ll get a squeaky pre-pubescent voice or boobs…you get my point, right?

No?

On Tuesday we’ll FINALLY find out if the sprout is a girl or a boy!

I can barely contain my excitement.

No, really. For serious.

It’s like once we find that missing little (HUGE!) detail, I’ll be gung-ho on nursery design and name ideas and everything BABY STUFF!!!!

I think this is why, deep down, I don’t much care about pooping. Just get me to next Tuesday and then?

Bring on the crazy, nesting-ish booshy.

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15 Responses to “what i wouldn’t give for a good poo…”


  1. 1 JessSutera September 16, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Please tell me you’re going to divulge if sprout is indeed boy or girl after next week’s ultrasound?? soooo curious 🙂

  2. 3 jobo September 16, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Wow, that came up fast…learning what you are having! And um, there is sometimes nothing better than a good ‘unload’ in the bathroom, is there? 😉 TMI I know!

  3. 5 Jeanette Lawrence Ghioto September 16, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    you are HYSTERICAL and gifted beyond words…

  4. 6 Tina @ Faith Fitness Fun September 16, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    I can’t wait to hear if you’re having a boy or girl!!! And I had so many issues with not having control either. You eventually get used to it. Kinda. 😉

  5. 8 Txtingmrdarcy September 16, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Make Tuesday come sooooooooooonnnn!!!

    PS- you will tell us the gender… but will you reveal name ideas? That’s the tricky one that people get all territorial about.

    PPS- Including me. Because so far TWO of my cousins have stolen my name ideas. And I am slightly stabby about that.

    • 9 Jessica September 16, 2011 at 2:20 pm

      I KNOW. I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted a weekend to go by faster!

      RE: PS: We’re not telling anyone whatever our final name is…so we’ll probably keep our ideas hush-hush, too.

      RE: PPS: I’d be more than stabby. It’s a good thing (for my sister and law) that I don’t want to name a kid Emma. That’s *her* name.

  6. 10 lifestartsnow September 16, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    yay to tuesday and yay to regular bowel movement. sorry you have to wait for both…

    oh and by the way, posts like this will never be tmi because this is the nitty gritty everyone wants to read about!!! 😀

  7. 12 Amanda Perry @ Sistas of Strength September 16, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Love this post so much. 🙂 Just wait until after you have a baby and you have to poo. You’ll be scared out of your mind. Sorry, but it’s true!

    I’ve been a mom for 3.5 months and I am still struggling with the lack of control in so many areas of my life now!

    • 13 Jessica September 16, 2011 at 4:25 pm

      Thanks for stopping my blog…just visited yours! 🙂

      Oh…I’ve heard about the first post-birth poo…and I’m already terrified.

      Congrats on your little one…3.5 months…how fast has that time flown by?! (hopefully the answer isn’t agonizingly slow… 😉 )

  8. 14 Whitney September 17, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Fantastic post! Not that I’m planning to go down this road ANY TIME soon, but it’s really great to hear all this about how it really feels and how it turns your life upside down. I think I would have some of the same type of feelings you do, so it’s nice to have a preview!

    Thanks!!

    I’m super excited for all three of you!!

    • 15 Jessica September 19, 2011 at 8:52 am

      Whitney! I miss you! And? Thank you!

      And it totally makes like…um…different. In a…I don’t even know what kind of way. One you’d never expect, that’s for sure!


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