am i shallow?

For what it’s worth, mentally, I don’t think I’m 100% ready for all of this massive mid-section growth that is currently happening and will continue to happen until February. Then, at the point the sprout is out and enjoying the world sans womb, I will be working like a mad person trying to get my bulbous belly back to better-than-before status.

I’ve always had issues with body image.  I never think I’m thin enough, mostly.  And I think I take horrid pictures. This is all probably because I’m a girl and for whatever (messed up) reason, society says girls are supposed to be thin and svelte and beautiful and perfect.

And a post-baby body does not a svelte woman make.

So, here I am, 16 weeks knocked up with too many more weeks left to count and a body that has yet to really get “pregnant.”  I mean, yes, I’m “pregnant” but obviously, I’ve yet to really *look* the part.  I feel it, no doubt, even though I’m quite positive I’d get the evil eye if I up and decided to park in a maternity parking spot. I know I’m not waddle-worthy of that space yet, anyway, but I’m trying to build a case, here, people.

All my life I’ve felt like I’ve been chasing some magical number on the scale.  I found out that the weight range for my 5’10 amazon woman height is between 135 – 165 pounds.

What do you think was the first thing I told Tim after learning this bit of knowledge?

“I’m going to weigh between 140 and 145 after the kid pops out.  Maybe I’ll go for 135.”

(Obviously, I weighed more than that pre-pregnancy…but still within the range of 135-165)

Tim was all, “You’ll look like an emaciated orphan at 135…and at 140.”

But isn’t that what we’re going for, here?  I thought super thin was in!

(Disclaimer: It’s actually not.  It’s totally not healthy and the rational part of me completely understands that)

Yet, I still have that weight of 140-145 (maybe 135??) in my brain as a goal for after the baby. AND I have a certain weight I don’t want to surpass during pregnancy. Now, whether I attain that pregnancy weight limit goal or not will depend, mostly, on how much I can resist eating Taco Bell.

What?

IT’S WHAT THE BABY WANTS.

I’m just the vessel, here.

Now, I know you’re all, “Seriously? You’re going here with the fat talk? You think YOU are fat (or, were fat post-pregnancy)?  There is something wrong with you. Obviously.”

And to all you nay-sayers, welcome to Team Tim, who says to me allllllllllllllllllllll the time that I’m the only person who thinks I’m fat (Was fat. I, at least, have figured out and completely understand that Pregnancy ≠ fat. Pregnancy = baby).

Part of me believes him because part of me thinks I’ll still believe I’m fat even *if* I attain whatever magical number I deem “skinny.”

All of this?  Probably something that needs to be fixed before I unknowingly start making the little sprout self conscious and fearful of the scale, checking his/her body at every angle to make sure they don’t look poofy.

I don’t need to create an anorexic child.  That thought alone scares me into submission with the fat talk.

So, yet another thing for me to try and conquer before I start actually influencing the tiny human being I will be responsible for (*gulp*).

This next part, well……I’m not exactly sure where it falls into the whole being a good role model but, my saving grace (if that’s even an appropriate phrase) for when all baby making is said and done is that Tim has promised me (you so did, honey) that I could get “work” done on an area that ends up saggy or not like it was before.

Namely the boobs and/or the stomach.

That’s like the ace in my pocket.  I might binge on Taco Bell and gain 100 pounds and have the flattest, most pancakey boobs ever seen by man, but watch out!  I’ll be one hot mamma after I visit Plastics!

Not that I even want to go through that…truthfully…but I like to know it’s there as an option if things get entirely out of control.

Is that shallow or is it normal?

I have no idea.

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30 Responses to “am i shallow?”


  1. 1 Jami Howard September 1, 2011 at 8:39 am

    What you’re feeling is totally normal, but totally unhealthy. My pregnancy was such a fucking roller coaster that I didn’t have time or energy or even the mindset to think about it. I put on SEVENTY pounds during my pregnancy. You know me… I’m SHORT. So seventy pounds on someone my size was unfuckingreasonable.

    I’m still heavier than I was pre-baby. I hope to one day get to where I was, but honestly, it’s so much more important to me to be happy and to make my life DO. You know?

    You’re the epitome of health. You’re allowed to have Taco Bell when you’re pregnant. You’re allowed to put on weight. Please don’t give yourself an unreasonable number for your pregnancy weight ceiling. Just stay active, drink loads of water, take your prenatal vitamins and wait for your belly to get big.

    Things that wrecked my body: smoking, eating shit food, being sedentary. The baby didn’t wreck my body, I did. You treat your body great right now, your body will bounce back. And no, you might look back and realize that it may not be the svelte body you hope for, but that it’s a body that housed a miracle.. A body that supported and grew a life. A whole person is inside of you! Fuck some basic, not-a-big-deal jiggle.

    Also, you have tiny boobs. They will be just fine after a baby (truth: your nipples will be differently shaped). It’s these big ol’ 34Js (seriously) that suffer from breastfeeding.

    xoxo. I am so excited for you, girl. I really can’t wait to see how this unfolds for you. Thanks for writing honestly. We need more of that.

    • 2 Oregon Sunshine September 1, 2011 at 11:57 am

      Jessica,

      I totally and whole-heartedly agree with Jami here! Instead of chasing some mythically magic number on the scale, why not just focus on being HEALTHY. And how is chasing that scale number healthy? All it will do is screw up the Sprout into thinking that he/she needs to chase the mythically magical number themselves. DON’T DO IT! Think HEALTHY. Visualize HEALTHY (and not in that nice way we say “fat”). Live HEALTHY. BE HEALTHY!

      You have the opportunity to give birth to a whole new person and then lead by example on HOW to be healthy! You could strive for the best body of your life, the cleanest way of eating, the most awesome athletics, etc. Why focus on a number? It doesn’t really mean anything. How you feel and what sort of condition your body is in is what matters. Heck, I know 1/2 marathoner women that weigh more than 200 lbs, but they’re out there doing it and they’re getting healthy. They don’t focus on the numbers so much as they do how they feel and striving for the best shape of their life.

      And really, if you’re going to stress about your body and whether or not you’re thin enough, toss out your scale and do a few rounds of P90X. Because, when Tony’s through with you, you’ll have a great body you didn’t know even existed, capable of amazing things!

      Health, not numbers, my friend!

      Love ya!

      PS Go check out the blog of my friend and my inspiration, Kristina here:

      http://www.chunkyrunner.com/

    • 3 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:08 am

      Hi Girl! You’re right…being happy and focusing on raising a child – truly a miracle – is MUCH more important than any number…on a scale or in a pair of jeans. 🙂

      I’ll keep on with the (most of the time) healthy eating and exercising, etc…and try not to be so anal about it all. And my boobs….I just hope they don’t end up smaller than before! 😉

      I think…I have to be honest? I really don’t know. It just comes out. I guess that’s a good thing?

  2. 4 PJ September 1, 2011 at 9:16 am

    First off, I think the feelings of never being skinny enough are totally normal for all women. Except supermodels, maybe.

    Second, Tim is right, you will look like an emaciated orphan at 135. I look like an emaciated orphan at 135 and I’m only 5ft 7in.

    Third, you can’t “create” an anorexic child. Anorexia, like all eating disorders, is a mental disease. So don’t worry about that.

    • 5 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:09 am

      Maybe on the supermodels….I have no idea.

      True, anorexia is a mental disease…but I feel like I could push them in that direction if I lead by (bad) example and put “thin” over “healthy” Just my thought, anyway.

  3. 6 Jacqueline September 1, 2011 at 9:26 am

    Hey there! I SO hear you. Pregnancy is a mindfuck. I think I’ve said that before. 😉 Seriously, it just IS. You will feel less fat when you look more pregnant. The bloated-thick middle part of early pregnancy really blows, because you don’t LOOK all that preggo, but you don’t look like yourself, either. And regular clothes are a bit tight, but maternity clothes look stupid, so you also have to deal with having nothing decent to wear, which, you know, makes you hate yourself even more. Even as you shovel in the Taco Bell (or, for me, Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch by the BOXFUL).

    I definitely did not want to hit a certain weight, and even though I didn’t do anything but run to really manage my weight gain, I still stressed. I joked I had all the self-hatred and none of the self-control for a full blown preggo eating disorder. 😉 It’s true. I just thought I was disgusting and then consoled myself with a(nother) cookie.

    But hang in there. It just sucks, no matter what anybody says. It’s really hard to get your head around it. I will tell you that I gained almost the exact same amount with both pregnancies despite doing only about 1/3 of the exercising with the second one. Your body really will do whatever it wants — even if you want to punch people who tell you that.

    And my post-partum body is actually better. Really. Because now I have nursing boobs. Yeah BABY. From 30AAA to 30A. That’s my porn-star look. 😉 Let’s not discuss what happens to your boobs post-nursing. 😉

    My post-partum body advice is to go buy a good pair of jeans your first week home — spend as much as you can on a pair that FITS. YOu will wear the shit out of them for like 2 months. And then you won’t freak out about not fitting into your old jeans just yet. And spend as much as you can possibly afford on GOOD maternity jeans. Because you will wear the shit out of those, too.

    So don’t worry — I think all your thoughts are normal. People just don’t like to say it. They would rather glow with the joy of growing a baby and blah blah blah. Give me a break. Pregnancy sucks. No matter how much you want it.

    J.

    • 7 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:13 am

      Ohh…Peanut Butter Capt’n Crunch! You may have given me a new vice!

      I might become more like you with the “not wanting to gain….wait, let me have another cookie” mentality. I mean, part of me just doesn’t care about the weight while the other part is screaming all, “WAIT!”

      I guess the other scary part is I have NO IDEA what my body is going to do. Zero clue. That’s a little frightening…and I am slightly disturbed at what my boobs will look like post-breastfeeding. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

      I’ve yet to buy any maternity anything, but I’ll definitely look into jeans…ones that don’t make me feel super uncomfortable!

      I hear you on everyone who is all rose-colored glasses with pregnancy. That’s just not me, I guess. Sure, it is awesome, the things going on inside of me, but on the outside…things aren’t always so pretty.

  4. 8 zkv September 1, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Hey congrats! And thanks for visiting my blog. It is a rollercoaster ride but don’t ruin the most exciting time in your life worrying and obsessing about your weight. Just eat sensibly and give into your cravings but keep up the exercise 🙂 Most of the extra weight will disappear as soon as baby’s born. Will be popping in and checking in on your growing belly… All the best!

    • 9 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:14 am

      Hi! Thanks for visiting back!

      I’m definitely going to do everything I can to keep up with the exercise – even if it ends up just being walking. I’m hoping a drop a deuce (literally) during child birth. 😉

      Hope to see you back soon!

  5. 10 Cara September 1, 2011 at 10:47 am

    You are not normal. It’s why I like following you on your blog. I find you refreshingly honest and hilarious and this post is the reason why I keep coming back. And you definitely don’t need me to tell you anything you don’t already know because you sound like you have your wits on straight. So let’s eat a piece of chocolate cake together (mine will have to be gluten free and sans dairy, which equals GROSS) and laugh about how ridiculous we all can be about thinking we are fat. Here’s to being an American woman! 🙂 P.S. You really should stop thinking you are ugly in pics because you SO aren’t. I’d tell you if you were… haha.

    • 11 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:16 am

      I know. I think that’s one of my most endearing qualities. My non-normalness. 🙂

      And ye son the chocolate cake. OMG. I was craving a piece of birthday cake last night like you wouldn’t believe. I didn’t GET any cake…but that didn’t stop the craving….except, I’ll take mine with dairy and extra gluten. 🙂

      And also? Thank you RE: ugly in pictures. Half the time I don’t even have makeup on…and there I go, posting my picture for the world to see, anyway.

  6. 12 iwonderbee September 1, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Hi! Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment.
    Congratulations on your pregnancy. If it’s any encouragement, I weighed less post-pregnancy…chasing after kids can do that! 😉

    • 13 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:17 am

      Hi! Thank you so much for stopping by my blog as well! And thank you on the congratulations.

      So…that’s how the weight comes off! Chasing the endless bundles of energy. Works for me. 🙂

  7. 14 The Outlaw Mom September 1, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Taco Bell is not bad for your baby. I’d venture to say it’s even good for her/him. Trust me:-) Despite the fact that I, myself, am now 35 pounds over what I weighed pre-back-to-back-pregnancies, my kids are just fine. In fact, my daughter, who ate more Taco Bell than my son while in utero, is very advanced for her age 🙂

    • 15 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:18 am

      YAY! Bring on the Taco Bell! And I’m loving that your daughter is advanced for her age what with getting all of that processed meat in utero. There’s hope for my sprout, yet!

  8. 16 thebakerbee September 1, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    1. From what I’ve seen in pictures… your body resembles my body, with the exception of your height. I’m 5’6″. Other than that, flat tummy, little boobs. Check out my belly pics… it might help, or it really might not. Crapshoot.
    2. I weighed 120 pre-baby, 150 the day I gave birth and 115 a year post-baby. I actually wish I was back at 120… I think I lost weight in muscle from not working out & running for so long. Anywho… if I can get back into shape/weight that easily… SO CAN YOU. Your body is built for it. I highly recommend a jogging stroller… a good one.
    3. Your boobs will either a)shrink back to little or b)shrink back to little and be saggy. Sorry. That’s just how it goes. I’m into plastics for me, but a friend of mine had her boobs ‘lifted’ post baby and she. looks. awesome.

    • 17 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:19 am

      1. That whole thing sounded awesome until we got to the “crapshoot” part.

      2. That’s fantastic…you getting all of the weight off in a year! Congrats on that!….and it isn’t TOO hard to get that muscle back, is it??

      3. I’m worried I’ll end up with a) which is why I like my contingency.

  9. 18 We're Jumpin' September 1, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    I was 160lbs when I got pregnant and went to 198, never lost my baby weight. Here I am today (almost 4 yrs later) and 167lbs. My point…
    There is always time to lose weight and get yourself back to where you want to. Be there for your baby, and eat what you can. 🙂 There is always plenty of time to lose weight in the future for what you gain. Some girls even lose all of their pregnancy weight when they the baby, so don’t stress 🙂 Take it one day at a time.

    • 19 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:20 am

      True…have to agree with that. I can always lose the weight. I can’t always eat well for the baby. One day at a time is a good way to look at it – I’ll do the best I can every day…and if I don’t one particular day, move on with my life. 🙂

  10. 20 motherinterrupted September 1, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Ah, you’re not even a bit fat. But you are normal. Is any woman every happy with her weight, without the headfuck of pregnancy on top? Congratulations and try to enjoy the experience without stressing. I loved being pregnant. LOVED it.

    • 21 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:21 am

      My mom was like you – LOVED every single second of pregnancy. I’m trying to learn to love it AND accept all of the crazy changes going on. And thank you RE: not a bit fat and being normal. At least my thinking isn’t TOO far off base?

  11. 22 Amber September 1, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Oops, I sent my comment before I was finished so I’ll finish here. I don’t think you are shallow at all…it’s very normal to be concerned about weight gain during pregnancy and to have goals concerning that. Looking at your progressing bump pictures though, I think you will be just fine. 🙂 My bump started to really pop out between 16 and 20 weeks…by 20 it was definitely nice and round. I gained 30 pounds and was perfectly fine with that…my goal was not to go over the high end (35 lbs.) of the suggested weight gain and luckily I was able to meet that goal although I didn’t try. I ate as much as I wanted, stil healthy, but I didn’t attempt to only gain a certain amount. The thing that was hardest for me was two days after birth when we were going home and I still looked 25 weeks preggo! It went down after a couple of weeks, but it was odd to look that pregnant and have the baby there with me. Instead of a hard, round tummy, it was soft and fluffy. It sounds like you are active though so that will help, plus if you breastfeed then the hormones released will help your uterus shrink to pre-preggo size much quicker! Anyway, I enjoy the humor with which you write and I think that if you are taking weekly pictures (I did too) then you have a healthy attitude toward your weight gain. 🙂

    • 23 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:23 am

      My goal is like yours – not to go over the 35 pound threshold. I eat mostly what I want…sometimes food aversions/cravings dictate what I eat, though. 🙂

      I’ve heard about that post-baby belly! I’m wondering how puffy I’ll be…I plan on breastfeeding, which I know helps, but it’s almost like a mean trick by mother nature. You get the baby out and it still looks like there is one in there! 🙂

      We’re working on “weekly” with the pictures. We missed a week already…and thank you for the compliment on my writing/humor. I appreciate it and hope to see you back from time to time 🙂

  12. 24 Margaret Reyes Dempsey September 1, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    I was never quite happy with how I looked when I was younger. Then I got pregnant and all that changed. For some reason, I felt totally beautiful when I was pregnant and for the two years I nursed my son. (Yup, the boobs are a bit saggy, but they’re my trophies and I ain’t fixin’ ’em. 🙂 )

    In recent years, I’ve increased the amount of exercise I get and become much more regular with it. I still don’t have six-pack abs despite all the crunches I do, but I do feel stronger and healthy, and that’s all that really matters in the end.

    I’m sending some Mother Earth vibes your way. Get out of your head and listen to your body for the rest of your pregnancy. Rub your tummy and read Green Eggs and Ham out loud. If you must think, then think about how very powerful your body is to be doing what it’s doing. It’s quite cool. No?

    If you want a good laugh, check out SuziCates’s post on Spanx: http://suzicate.wordpress.com/2011/09/01/spanx-no-thanx/

    By the way, the sonogram photo on your Bio is awesome!

    • 25 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:26 am

      I did check out suzicate’s spans post – hysterical!!! I think I left a comment? Not sure if it went through….anyhow:

      That’s what I want! I want to feel like this big, beautiful pregnant woman. It’s what I’m working for, anyway. And you’re right – being healthy is what matters in the end. Not being “thin” or “perfect.”

      Thank you for the Mother Earth vibes!! I’m going to indulge in a little of the therapy you just described and embrace the belly!

      Also? Isn’t that sonogram picture adorable? It’s like he/she is waving or something.

      Thank you for stopping in! Hope to see you again sometime!

  13. 26 thoughtsappear September 2, 2011 at 8:53 am

    So I think you’re totally normal.

    I was heavier when I was younger, and I’ve worked hard over the last 10 years to keep the weight off.

    As much as I want a baby, it scares me to think of the weight I’ll put on and how slowly it may come off. And I’ve definitely thought about having surgery afterwards.

    • 27 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:27 am

      Yay! You think I’m normal!

      And good on you – 10 years of working at keeping your body healthy! Believe me, nothing can or will prepare you for pregnancy. I’m learning that now…and it’s hard…but I’m trying to be better at going with the flow…plus my contingency plastics. 😉

      Thanks for coming by my blog! Hope to see you around again!

  14. 28 ruggedgrace September 2, 2011 at 10:19 am

    You’re pretty freaking normal, dude.

    I’m 5’10, i gained 50-60 pounds with both of my pregnancies (OMG I WANTED TACO BELL ALL THE TIME)! I’m now down to 145 with fairly minimal work, thank you breast feeding – which I also hated. You’ll get your body back, your boobs will be *different* but not sad, and don’t you dare stop eating your Taco Bell.

    You’re not shallow, lol, lol. Please amazon woman, eat your heart out, enjoy your first few months POST pregnancy of eating everything in sight, and go from there.

    -Nomz

    • 29 Jessica September 2, 2011 at 10:30 am

      Hi Colorado friend! 🙂

      I honestly don’t know if I could cease my Taco Bell habit even if I wanted to. Usually, I’d pick that over a 5 star meal from a nice restaurant!

      It’s good to know that breastfeeding really IS like magic when it comes to weight loss. It makes me feel like, at least, I’ll be burning ridiculous calories even when I don’t feel like exercising right after the baby comes.

      I’m glad to hear from another “amazon woman” – there aren’t very many of us!

  15. 30 JaimeLynne September 2, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    Hormones amplify your every thought. ‘It’s not super healthy but I can have a little.’ becomes ‘I shouldn’t eat this because I will gain 5 lbs and never fit into my clothes again’. Think of it as PMS thoughts non stop for 40 week which is just wrong.

    I lost 23 lbs and 17 lbs by the time I was released from the hospital after giving birth. With my daughter I had almost regained my pre-pregnancy waist by the time I returned from maternity leave by breast feeding and doing what I called the swoop and swing while holding her. Since I failed at Buff-Tober I’m sure you will be back in your skinny jeans within weeks. 🙂


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