the wrath…of the after birth

In case you’re new or if you missed any of the OMG! I’M PREGNANT! posts, here they are in all of their glory.  The posts will pop up on my other blog – which is currently broken.  I found that all of those early posts are stranded over there…but look at me! I’m bringing them over here! For you!

(If you’ve already read these, just…ignore me until after the hyperlinks end)

baby bold

how it all went “down”…bow chick wow wow

food aversions are real

the state of the pregnancy

the magical pen and cane guns

i broke my va-jay-jay

Anyhow. Moving forward, shall we?

Do you know something that’s really crappy about being pregnant for the first time?


(if you’ve never even been pregnant, you might want to follow along. Closely)

Apparently, there is this super secret club that second-time and beyond moms are part of and you don’t get to play in their sandbox until after you’ve gone through the experience that is pregnancy and childbirth and everything that comes with it. Finding out what REALLY happens when you give birth? Basically impossible.  It’s like looking for Sasquatch.  You’ll never find him….until you do.

And then?

It’s like you’re sworn to Sasquatch secrecy.

Tim is convinced that the reason you never really can get a straight answer from anyone is because whatever hormones are released at or right after childbirth wipe your memory like one of those drugs they inject you with if you somehow find out double secret information and lived in the movies.

Maybe that’s true.

Maybe it isn’t.

Personally, I’m bound and determined to document what happens to me because I know I’m not the only one out there who WANTS. ANSWERS. Not the wishy-washy, “Oh…it wasn’t so bad. It was beautiful! I loved being pregnant and giving birth? Meh. Piece of cake! I don’t even remember the half of it.”

Maybe that’s true.

Maybe it isn’t.

Either way?  My Type A personality who has a *really* hard time relinquishing control wants to know what happens and when and how and what, exactly, does it feel like when the placenta comes out?  Because that’s my new fear.  The after birth.

You know, that could easily be a title to a super freaky movie (you have to say it in a deep, scary voice to make it work): The After Birth.

I think the worst part, honestly, if there was a worst part, is that I have zero control. Tim called me out on that the other day all, “You do realize the reason you’re having such a hard time is because you can’t control this.”

What’s your point, bucko?  I don’t see you having to physically experience this whole belly growing larger than I thought possible, hips widening, birthing process with hands all up in my lady bits and the aftermath that is a flabby stomach and peeing myself with a malformed va-jay-jay that is going to happen whether I want it to or not.

His response? He has to deal with ME and would trade places in a second.  Well played, dear.  Well played.

And so I have to just……..let it happen. Go with the flow.

I’m so not that person.

Right now, if I had to make a determination, overall, pregnancy IS fairly easy.  My non-bump isn’t really bothersome and the only huge side effect I’ve had is massive boobs – which if you think about it – is really a plus for this typically flat-chested chick.  I mean, ok.  To be totally honest, other things happen, too, sometimes.  Like when I’m so tired from doing simple activities that I have to take a nap.

But naps are fun, right?

Yes…until you’re relegated to sleeping on your left side.  Doctors orders. Something to do with blood flow to the baby and the big vena cava vein that runs down your spine.  It supplies blood to the baby which = important for things like growing. The right side? Puts too much pressure on the vein.  Your back?  Nooo…growing Miss. Uterus will squish things and restricts the flow.  So I’ll wake up on my back and have to flip over…or on my right side and have to relocate.

The left shoulder already has arthritis, I’m pretty certain.

I know I’m supposed to get some kind of giant pillow to help support all my pieces parts and I’ve been looking into what to get, since the industry for pregnancy items is ridiculous.  Five hundred choices for everything.

The goods news on the pillow, however, is that a basic, plain, cheap (compared to the speciality ones) body pillow from Bed Bath & Beyond seems to do the trick for taller people.  I’m 5’10…and I’d like to think that is considered tall.

Also?  I’m peeing for two, now, which results in me getting up EVERY TWO HOURS.


What happened to a little relief (ha…punny) in the bladder department during the second trimester?  I think I pee more now than I did during the first 13 weeks. Sheesh!

All of this is training for when the baby comes…or so I’m told.  Either way, between the aching shoulder (and ear…who knew the cartilage on your ear would get sore?) and the constant peeing, I miss my sleep!

And I’ll be missing it for the next eighteen years.


I’m going into hibernation and nobody better disturb me.

Or else?


of The After Birth.


32 Responses to “the wrath…of the after birth”

  1. 1 stressthynameisamber August 27, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    Well you know what I may have three kids but you are more then welcomed to come play in my sand box and I will be straight forward with you. People were straight forward with me when I was pregnant for the first time and I believe in doing the same for others. 🙂

  2. 3 thebakerbee August 27, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    Ok, so this might turn into the longest. comment. ever, but I’m doing it anyways. Never mind that I am at work right now. (Yes on a Saturday… I run a restaurant.) Also, words like uterus & placenta and some not so lovely mental images might ensue, so be forewarned.

    First, I’m a give you a birth story. Eli was a week late and, hence, I was induced, so I never went into real labor. The idea of going into labor still scares the bah-jesus out of me. I had semi-intense contractions for like 2 weeks before he was born. Every night. 20 minutes apart. For hours. Never during the day. That, my friend, is training for sleep deprivation.

    I was induced at 8am and had the baby at 6:30pm. Not a very long labor. Contractions started off not too bad, and then the doc broke my water and contractions got a hell of a lot worse. Apparently no water = no cushion = pain. Yay. I wussed out after like 2 hours of that and got an epidural. Epidurals = magic. I was PLANNING on doing it without one, but kept an open mind about getting one. To each her own & mucho respect to women who go totally natural, but SO glad I had drugs. The next several hours Hubby & I watched a movie & played cards. Kind of a nice afternoon, really.

    At about 5:30, it was declared I was 10 cm dilated and it was time push. 45 minutes later, I had a baby. Pushing was INTENSE. I didn’t really feel any pain, just some serious pressure. I am sorry to say this, but it is something you can’t really describe until you go through it. I couldn’t hold my own legs up, so I had Hubby & a nurse holding them, and I made them count to 10 for me with each push. I am pretty goal oriented, so I set a goal of pushing as hard as I could until they stopped counting, and I did pretty good until right at the end, when I was totally tuckered. So, after 45 minutes of pushing for 10 seconds every 2 minutes, they made me stop pushing. Eli’s head was RIGHT. THERE. and they made me stop because I needed an epesiotomy (they had to cut the skin before it ripped). Longest 5 minutes of my life. I kept asking if I could push yet! Anyways, going on, I pushed, he came out. He was blue and purple for about 30 seconds until he took his first breath. Then, he turned pink and baby-like. Perfect.

    Evidently, while I was gazing at the baby, the doctor sewed up my skin and I delivered the placenta. I didn’t feel it. I might have even asked when that part comes, and they were like, ummm, that happened like 10 minutes ago. I am pretty sure that I pooped at some point, but if I did nobody told me. Thank God.

    On that note, being in labor and giving birth will be the least modest day of your life. Be prepared for numerous people to be poking, prodding, helping you pee & seeing you all nakey. Oh, and after your water breaks, it keeps coming. NOBODY TOLD ME THAT. Your body keeps making more, and it just keeps coming out. With every contraction, more water. Lovely. After giving birth, a nurse helped me wash up (painful, yes, but relieving at the same time). And, really, a year later, even though I remember most of it, I would in half a heartbeat go through so much more than that to have my little guy.

    Okay, I feel like this is enough. I have an email that I wrote a friend with more details on what I used in the hospital and stuff. I’f you’d like, I’d be happy to send it you. Just let me know!

  3. 6 lifestartsnow August 27, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    a friend of mine who had her first baby in april was also worried about the whole being naked in front of strangers (the nurses and doctors) and of peeing/pooping/whatever other body fluids may come out of you in front of these strangers.

    don’t let that be your worry. you will never see those people again and it is very likely that you are not the first they are assisting in giving birth. so if you need to push don’t worry what comes out of you before the baby does. it’s natural, they’ve been there before, and you will have a great blog post about poop and stuff. 😉

    • 7 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 9:57 am

      It will be a great blog post…and I’m sure you’re right – they’ve seen it all before/done it all before – but I haven’t! *shudder* 😉

      • 8 Jacqueline August 29, 2011 at 12:13 pm

        Seriously, you will not give a shit. And the nurses and doctors are pretty professional. The funniest part to me was putting my foot in a stirrup — I was like, are you fucking kidding? Do I LOOK flexible to you?? But somehow they got it in there. 😉

  4. 9 teadevotee August 27, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    I LOVE your blog. And if this is your temporary one while the other is broken, then I can’t wait to see the real deal.
    I have to tell you, there is a secret club. But you know it’s like Fight Club, right? So I’m risking a lot to tell you this. But here’s my theory. First, people don’t talk about the birth because seriously, if they did, no one would get pregnant and the very survival of the species would be threatened. Second, because after the birth, you have a baby and having a baby is insane. It’s like being hit by a bus and then run over by a steamroller.
    Erm, sorry that wasn’t a very uplifting and inspiring comment. But you should TOTALLY get the pillow. A weird thing is that by the end, you won’t really want to put your legs together and if you get a curvy pillow you can tuck one bit through your legs and the other under your boobs. Which will only get bigger. And (here is another secret) they get bigger again after you give birth. You won’t be able to believe it, but they will.
    Anyway, hi. And I look forward to reading your adventures.

    • 10 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 9:59 am

      Hi! So glad you stopped in! Hope to see you around again! (I’m a poet and didn’t know it…ha 🙂 ). Sooo….fantastic. Fight Club. And having a baby sounds…wonderful. Look at that description! Steam roller AND a bus all in the same sentence! 🙂

      I’m totally getting the pillow. Stat.

  5. 11 patchofheaven August 27, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    The peeing all the time thing is the worst thing EVER! And then, yeah, after you give birth, you’re still peeing all the time. Like, in your pants because your bladder muscles are so weak. I can’t jump on the trampoline with my kids unless I wear protection!

    Sorry if us already-there moms exclude not-already-there moms. Are you SURE you want to be part of the club? Actually, it is pretty awesome… =)

    Good luck on your pregnancy!

    • 12 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 10:00 am

      I guess I’m glad we don’t have a trampoline (yet). I had one as a kid…called it “the tramp” (guess I didn’t realize what I was saying…)…loved it! Anyhow…I suppose whether or not I’m SURE, I don’t really have a choice anymore, do I? I’m down the baby path…can’t turn back now!

      And thank you so much for coming by my blog! Don’t be a stranger!

  6. 13 Rebekah August 27, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Hey! Thanks for praying for our boy!!

    Now, as for your questions… Ditto to all the girls here! Ask anything! Too many people get squeamish or think it’s a contest so I think that’s another reason why some girls are shutting up. My story scared a few preggos!

    After birth? To me? I had no pain meds so I was feeling everything but I did have the shot that releases it… They gave it a little tug and it slipped out easier than a tampon.

    The things that surprised me? Episiotomy was totally painless – it was stretched and pressured so much it felt like a prick. Even tearing didn’t hurt until afterward and then help me dear God!!

    Pushing? Thought it would feel it my hoo-ha! Nope! Feels just like a giant poo. I promise you I thought the baby must be coming out the wrong hole!

    • 14 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 10:02 am


      Your story scared people? Awesome. And I’m glad everything was painless for you….until the aftermath that is no more happy pain medication. I’m just jumping for joy at the thought of that. 🙂

      I’ll remember that – giant poo. Maybe it’ll become my new birthing mantra.

      Thank you for coming by my blog! Hope to see you around again! 🙂

  7. 15 stephanie August 27, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Check out a blog called, MODG. She documented EVERY SINGLE THING when she was preggers, and still does now that she has baby Gavin. She is HILARIOUS and brutally honest. She would be a FABULOUS source for you!

  8. 17 sidiosquiere0513 August 27, 2011 at 7:24 pm


    So I think I’m already in lurve with you and your blog. Don’t deny it, just embrace it! And as a member of the Super Secret Club (SSC for short), labor isn’t that bad. But then again, I’m guessing because I had a c-section. (for medical reasons. Which I had to repeat to any medical professional who walked in the room CONSTANTLY because apparently if you have a c-section it MUST have been elective. End vent.)

    Anyways — I’m like you – Type A, control freak – so I was comforted by my (medically necessary…) c/s because I had an end date. Unless baby came early, it was Pi Day (3.14.11). So that was nice. Otherwise, it was hard and a little scary. I had never been in the hospital before, never had any time of surgery, so not only was I going to be going home with a baby (that I have to keep alive – WHAT?!), I was going to have major abdominal surgery. My recovery wasn’t that bad — I slept on the couch for the 1st month because I could get up easier as opposed to getting out of bed, didn’t drive for 3 weeks, and pretty much just loved on my baby boy. (I also had family come in and help out once my husband went back to work)

    If you want, I’ll email you my birth story and recovery. Good luck!

    • 18 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 10:04 am

      First: Thank you so much for your compliment about my blog! Second?LOVE to hear your full birth story! The more I know…the more freaked out I’ll probably get…but at least I’ll KNOW. 🙂

      We have some family coming in to help, too, so I know that will be much needed…and I’m liking your couch idea. And I hear you on the sending me home with something to keep alive. HELLO. I kill plants.

      Hope to see you around here again. Don’t be a stranger! 🙂

  9. 19 Lisa C. August 27, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Hello! Thank you for posting on my blog today. I’ll be back to visit yours more! I enjoyed what I had a chance to read.

  10. 21 Mystery Momma August 28, 2011 at 6:06 am

    At least your doctor TOLD you about the left side being best to lay on. I had to read it in the book, “what to expect when expecting,” and finally figured out why I was getting leg cramps every night lol.

    Wait til you’re eight months pregnant and have to have an ultrasound on your back, talk about straining to get up!! Also watch out for popping of blood vessels in the eye, after the sixth/seventh month due to the extra pressure on stuff!! Did that one while trying to sit up and sneeze at the same time lol.

    But I agree with you about there being a secret club. I asked most my female family/friends and they all said, that after you have the baby you’ll forget the pain and want another one!

    My sister in law will sit there and make me squirm with her stories about the C-section and how they shove the catheter in and all that. And yet, the second they hauled her oversized baby out of her via c-section, she stated in the operating room, “I’m ready for the next one.”

    I don’t get it, at all.

    • 22 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 10:06 am

      Ouch. Eye popping vessels? No one ever mentioned anything about that! And your sister? HARD. CORE. I’m not sure those would be the first words out of my mouth if that was the experience I had with my first child. Yikes.

      Thanks for coming by my blog! Hope to see you around again! 🙂

  11. 23 The Good Greatsby August 28, 2011 at 11:06 am

    My mom was like this with my sisters during their first pregnancies. They would talk about their experiences but my mom was quietly dismissive of everything they said.

    • 24 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 10:07 am

      I hear that!!!! My mom was all, “no big deal.” with the whole pregnancy/birth thing.

      She has four kids. She was an old hat at that kind of thing by the time it was all said and done. But how did she feel during the FIRST (me)? Exactly.

      Thanks for coming by my blog! Is your name a play on the Great Gatsby? Loved that book!

  12. 25 JaimeLynne August 28, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    We are super secretive because ignorance is bliss. What you do not know will allow you to get your two hours of sleep at a time, if we told you what it was like you wouldn’t them.
    As for the birth I had an epidural so didn’t feel it, the after birth was yucky though. The worst part was when the nurse insisted on going to the bathroom with me after I was in my room. While in labor you get to a point where you don’t care who sees what, that goes away but the people still think they need to have free access to your bits. Aren’t you glad you asked?

    • 26 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 10:09 am

      Ignorance IS bliss…I would agree with that…but for some reason, I want to know every little detail that there is to know about this whole pregnancy/birth thing. I’m a woman obsessed! 🙂

      And I’m definitely not looking forward to a bathroom “helper” either. The fun never ends, does it??

  13. 27 NSC August 29, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Hey…check out the Web MD thrid trimester boards. Every time one of them gives birth, they make a post to tell people about it.

    Not one is alike. Some are ok, some are scary-as-hell to read.

    And, bonus…I’m a few months ahead of you in the first time mommy club, I’ll tell you ALL about mine when I pop mine out. It suprises me you haven’t gotten the TMI birth stories. I swear, every woman I encounter with kids wants to tell ALL about it.

    • 28 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 11:18 am

      OMG! A comrade in arms! How far along are you? I’ll hit 16 weeks this Wednesday. I’ll definitely check out those boards and prepare myself to freak out. 🙂

      I haven’t gotten any TMI stories…yet. Maybe they’re just delayed?

      Thanks for stopping by! Hope to see you back again sometime! 🙂

  14. 29 Jacqueline August 29, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    I swear, getting up to pee is just nature’s way of preparing you for waking up with a newborn! That and the last month of hell/insomnia. My husband slept on the couch a lot (or I did) the last month or so of both my pregnancies because I had tot have so many pillows stacked behind my back, by my belly, all over the place. There was no room for him. And if he woke me up while I was sleeping by, you know, getting into bed, so help him god … .

    Don’t let anyone tell you any different: Pregnancy is a giant, absurd mindfuck that makes you do weird things (like eat salad at 11 p.m. or an entire cookie sheet of tater tots, with salt on them) and turns you into a total nightmare. Every time I’ve been pregnant, my husband swears he knows before the test is positive because, according to him, I turn into a crazy bitch. I can’t really argue that. 😉

    • 30 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 4:53 pm

      So eating a leftover Taco Bell taco this morning for breakfast is totally normal? Fantastic! You’ve also given me an insane desire for tater tots.

      I obviously haven’t gotten to the bazillion pillows stage yet – but I know I will.

      Thanks for A: being honest and B: stopping by my blog! Loved having you!! Hope to see you again!

  15. 31 Txtingmrdarcy August 29, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Jess, I am SO with you in the Placenta Fear Club. It’s like… why do I have to have the baby and then also get rid of the placenta? In one piece? Can’t it, like, magically dissolve in a cloud of unicorns and glitter???

    Thanks to the commenters who said it was nbd, that’s a treat to read. Rather than the ones who are like “oh, my placenta was a genetic anomaly and actually had TEETH and refused to come out and then the doctor used a Shop-Vac and…”

    Yeah. Those don’t help.

    I also really enjoyed reading Dooce’s birth story for Marlo… she went all natural, but wrote about it beautifully. She seems just a little Type A, too. 😉

    • 32 Jessica August 29, 2011 at 4:55 pm

      I’m not alone!! Yay! I’m half convinced that the placenta has teeth or something else just as miserable.

      I’ll have to find that birth story from Dooce…

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