my dad isn’t my dad. he’s a father who donated sperm

First, I just realized I had to post this twice…this redirect thing is already messing with my head. ANYHOW. I realize the bulk of this post is ridiculously harsh…so this is your warning. Stop here if you want to stay bubbly and happy…(just sayin).

I feel like I should say something before the weekend comes and goes…Tim and I will be doing something EPIC on Saturday and Sunday…but I can’t really share about that until it happens – just in case it isn’t as EPIC as I think it’ll be.

Anyway, some of you *may* know that I was having baby shower DRAM-A yesterday.  To the point of tears, people. And tears + stress = bad for baby.  I also didn’t sleep well because I kept getting riled up over the whole issue.  Since the DRAM-A circles around one of the topics I tend to steer away from (internal family things), I’ll leave it at this: The DRAM-A is over now, thank goodness, but I’m still a little wounded.  I’ll get over it…but it’s still fresh right now.

A different topic that I’m definitely not shy to talk about is my dad.  I don’t even know if I count him as “family” anymore, as sad as that sounds.  Oh, yesterday was just a day of wonderful news and experiences (read: sarcasm)

Anyway, my mom told me yesterday that my dad found out that I was pregnant.  I didn’t tell him “the news” personally, for right or for wrong – judge me however you will.  He and I do not have a relationship and truthfully, as each day passes, we have less and less of one.  If you don’t know the background, he has screwed me over more times than I thought was possible by a parent.  To name a few recent examples: I found out he defaulted on one of my school loans (in my name) and that lovely present is sitting on my credit report as a major ding (delinquent payments over 120+ days) AND he wiped out one of my savings accounts that his name was on.  The account had been set up when I was a minor, so he was the custodian…and decided he wanted the money, so he took it.  Well, all but FIVE DOLLARS of the money and never mentioned a single thing to me about it.  Kind of like,  ”Oh, she’ll never notice…”

Ass. Wipe.

I’ve been struggling internally and in speaking with Tim on what I want to do about him and the baby.  Either way, he found out through the grapevine that I was pregnant…yet I haven’t heard a peep from him.  No email, nothing.

Honestly, I could care less…but it just goes to show what kind of character he really is.  Or. more accurately, lack of character.

Where I struggle is with this question: Do I want him – this kind of person – around MY CHILD?  I certainly do not want him influencing this child AT ALL.  I don’t want him to impart a single shred of his personality, demeanor, ideals, (lack of) morals, thoughts, mannerisms on MY CHILD.
(I realize it is “our child” but I’m trying to make a point, dear)

So, does he even get the privilege of knowing this baby?
Tim’s devils advocate stance is more for the kid – they have a right to know who their grandparents are.  Which, I agree…but when they’re too young to really understand the dynamics and the danger of my dad trying to influence them?

Too risky.

Regardless, under no circumstance will he ever be allowed alone with this baby.  Never, ever, ever.
And, really, what is worse?  I posed this to Tim.  My dad has this wonderful personality flaw where, when things get exciting or when he’ll look like the “hero, awesome dad,” he’ll come around and be all supportive and helpful and super star parent.

Then…when things get tough or he gets bored or (most importantly) when people stop ogling over all the wonderful things he’s doing, he drops off the planet like he never existed.

So, we let him start a relationship with this kid and then, out of nowhere, he disappears?  How in the hell (sorry…h-e-double-hockey sticks) will the kid take that?  How do you explain that to a young child? “Oh, sorry, dear, your grandfather isn’t really interested anymore and probably never really cared about you in the first place…we’ll be lucky if he sends a card every other year for your birthday.”

So, again, which is worse?  Letting the child KNOW his grandfather…and then watch their heart break when he disappears or tell the child that, basically, he only has one grandfather (Tim’s dad)?  I mean, sure, when the child is old enough to understand, we can explain everything and let them make a decision to make contact with my dad.  Then, again, Tim and I will have to support and comfort our child when they get burned by him (because it’ll happen, make no doubt).  And having to do that…to watch my child get hurt like that…will still be really hard to swallow, but at least they’ll go into it knowing what to expect instead of getting blindsided.

I’m still undecided, even though as each day passes, I’m more and more convinced that I don’t want my dad involved at all.  Ever.  I’ve finally made a clean break from him and I have no intention of fixing it.  I’ve done it one too many times before and the SAME THING HAPPENS EVERY SINLGE TIME.
He’s not interested in being a parent.  He’s interested in what’s good for him and him only.

I’m done trying to come back to him and have a relationship.  He only wants a relationship that benefits him and when it doesn’t, he’s gone.  I’ve touched that stove one too many times. He’s out of chances.  I’m happier without him in my life and I would imagine my child would be, too.

I want no part in his shenanigans.  He can take his “I love God and I’m a fabulous Christian (but I steal money from my children)” high and mighty attitude and shove it so far up a cow’s asshole that it comes out of its mouth as cottage cheese.

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32 Responses to “my dad isn’t my dad. he’s a father who donated sperm”


  1. 1 jobo August 19, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    (hugs)

    I can completely relate to this in that my relationship with my dad is less than ideal for many of the same reasons as yours with your father, (similar type of things etc) and if things weren’t going well with him now (they are, actually, shock of all shocks) and I were expecting, I would be wrangling with the same issues. Follow your heart, do what you feel is right and best for your child. Only YOU and Tim can know what that is and you will do the right thing for you because you will be wonderful parents. XOXOXO!

    • 2 Jessica August 24, 2011 at 4:19 pm

      It is so weird…how similar pieces of our past are…and thank you! I know Tim and I have to make this decision and regardless of the outcome, it will still be difficult.

  2. 3 pharphelonus August 19, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Wow. Sadly, I kinda know where you are coming from with parents that disappoint, but can I tell you this? You can limit your child’s exposure to your dad, and you can keep your child’s expectations to a minimum, and I totally get not wanting to set yourself up with hope only to have to squashed again, but it is possible that your dad will be a better grandparent than parent, and that maybe that will seep over into him as a parent. People can, and do change, evenlate in life. Keeping options open might work out.

    • 4 Jessica August 24, 2011 at 4:21 pm

      It IS possible…but where I go round and round is: WILL he be? I know people can change…I just feel like I’ve given him SO MANY chances to change and he’s never done it…it’s almost like I don’t want this “first” grandchild to be the experiment for the rest…

  3. 5 Amy - Hamlet's Mistress August 19, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    You say you’re undecided. You’re not. Your decision is totally made and its’s a good one. Done. The next baby issue on the docket is…. ?

  4. 7 PJ August 19, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    If I were in that position (and thankfully I’m not), I think I would be leaning the way you are – toward no involvement at all. But I can understand and empathize (I think that’s the right word) with the tough spot this has put you in.

    As for what to tell the kid when s/he is old enough to ask questions…try looking up Carolyn Hax. She’s an advice columnist and has answered a lot of questions like this. (the link to the most recent that can kind of fit your situation re: the no contact with toxic parents is below)

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/a-tough-question-from-a-small-child/2011/07/20/gIQAXFkulI_story.html

  5. 9 Mark Price August 19, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Jessica, your decision is absolutely correct. Dad sounds like a douchebag and lord knows the baby will meet more than enough of those in this world. I see no need to bother with giving the douchebags a leg up by letting one be close to a little one unsupervised. Stick to your guns on this one Mommy…youre absolutely right! (You and your Mommy instincts already working) By the way CONGRATULATIONS!!! Where have I been?
    Oh yeah, I sent a pic of the new tattoo to you and in case you didnt get it I blog posted about it and yes you and Tim are in the post. Rock On new parents to be…Cannot wait to read the posts that this is gonna spawn!! LOL

    • 10 Jessica August 24, 2011 at 4:22 pm

      Thanks for the congrats – and I did get your email. LOVE! (as you already know). I can’t believe I’m already getting “mommy instincts” SO WEIRD.

  6. 11 Shannon August 20, 2011 at 9:06 am

    I think you have already made your decision and I don’t think it is a bad one. You aren’t a horrible person for it. When your child is old enough he/she can make the decision on whether or not they want to have a relationship with him. Don’t spend your time stressing over this…This is your special time. You and tim are in control of this.

  7. 13 Absence of Alternatives August 20, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    I am so sorry that your dad is less than satisfactory. (He is your father so I don’t feel the right to say anything bad about him so that is probably an understatement after reading the tip of the iceberg but you know what I mean…) Although I understand how the kid has the right to know his/her grandparents, I also believe that they have the right to not be sucked into bad relationships even when they are just a tiny dot inside you. Do what you feel is right. You can always change your mind! And really, some people are better with babies, some people are better with toddlers and some people are better with older kids. You never know how it is going to turn out. Breathe and follow your instinct. You are a mom so you can claim your maternal instincts now! 🙂

    • 14 Jessica August 24, 2011 at 4:24 pm

      For some reason, I never thought about that. I CAN change my mind. What a concept! 🙂 I know I won’t know how it will be UNTIL it happens…I guess my Type A is struggling with that – I can’t plan for it.

  8. 15 kisha spencer August 20, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Sooooo, I’m going to totally go off the script here and say this: you don’t have to make any decisions now. It isn’t relevant. What is happening to you is that your pregnancy is making you consider family and how you want to shape that foryour new arrival. Don’t rush to judgment, but don’t be a sucker either. You can protect your child and still allow a grandfather/grandchild relationship.

    Children often help us repair those breaches in our lives that we thought were irreparable. I myself have a brand new relationship with my stepdad because of my girls. But I do understand your struggle. My own bio-dad has never met my children, more because he’s never been a part of my life to begin with.

    • 16 Jessica August 24, 2011 at 4:25 pm

      You’re so right. I don’t. I guess I’m just trying to plan everything now so I don’t have to think about it later – even though this is something I cannot plan…ever. Your story of your stepdad gives me hope, though, that maybe it will be different.

      PS: Thanks for stopping in!!! Hope to see you back sometime! 🙂

  9. 17 txtingmrdarcy August 22, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    I’m going to totally second the response of many of the commenters and tell you you are doing the RIGHT thing. Unless you’ve come from a situation like ours (Our stories are so creepy similar… down to the school loan thing. Bastards.), it’s hard to make an informed decision.

    You are absolutely doing the right thing by being protective of your child and not setting them up for the disappointment you yourself had to deal with. My children will always know my stepdad as “Poppy”, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    • 18 Jessica August 24, 2011 at 4:26 pm

      Thank you! It IS weird how similar they are…maybe we were separated at birth?…No. Wait. Can that be? 😉

      Also- wedding? How goes it?! Exciting!!!!

      • 19 Txtingmrdarcy August 29, 2011 at 1:32 pm

        I would love to have an awesome sister out in Colorado!! We do look a little alike… 😉

        Wedding is going well- bachelorette this weekend! (Don’t worry, we’re keeping it classy.) It’s (cue cheesy music) The Final Countdown!!

  10. 21 MissCaron August 22, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    SUCKS. I totally understand. My dad recently got married (for the fourth time) and he still hasn’t told me. As in, I found out from my grandma. As in, I haven’t heard from him in over 3 months. As in, I’m the only freakin child he has and he doesn’t feel it’s necessary to communicate and I guarantee you he thinks that it’s MY fault and that I should have called him by now. BULL SHIT. How do you up and marry someone and not even tell your daughter that it even happened. Really though, it doesn’t surprise me. What actually put the nail in the coffin was that my g’ma was in the hospital for a week last month and when I casually called her one day and found out she said that he said he was going to call me and OMG she was in the f’ing hospital with a seriously deadly infection for a GD week and he “forgot”. You’ve got to be kidding me. So, yeah, no more. Good for you. It’s hella difficult because on the one hand you want your child to know their g’parent but on the other hand you don’t want them exposed to the guy who says, “we’re totally going to Kings Dominion next weekend” and then never shows up. Sorry lovey! Stay strong. God bless y’all.

    P.S. Love the pic of sprout!

    • 22 Jessica August 24, 2011 at 4:28 pm

      Thank you! Hopefully there will be lots more pictures soon! Anyhow – a FOURTH?! OMG. Wow. Neither of my parents remarried, thank goodness, but FOURTH!? That’s…obviously I’m a little shocked. Please excuse me.

      Also? I totally don’t blame you for shutting the door on the relationship with your dad. I would have (and have) done the same. Sometimes…it’s just not worth the heartache, y’know?

  11. 23 JaimeLynne August 25, 2011 at 8:34 am

    I remember how hard it was wanting to plan and make everything perfect for Sprouts arrival and not being able to. What I can tell you (almost 7 years later) is that it works out all on it’s own.

    Becoming a grandfather has brought changes to my father, he sends presents for every holiday (even valentines day) for the kids and calls to talk to them every couple of months. He is still the same crappy dad he always was and we will never have a good relationship, but he gets credit for trying to be a grandpa. Now that I think about it our relationship is much like divorced parents, I do what I have to and deal with him for the sake of my kids. I don’t have to like him or have a relationship with him outside of my kids. As much as possible I am letting the kids form their own opinion of him while trying to keep their expectations based in reality. Having distance between us does help though. He can’t make or break many promises, and they won’t depend on him for things he will never be capable of when he is thousands of miles away.

    Whatever your decision Sprout will grow up surrounded by loving and supporting people and that is what truly matters.

    • 24 Jessica August 26, 2011 at 3:43 pm

      Thank you JaimeLynn! You are spot on…and hearing from someone who has first hand experience really helps. I’m glad you’ve found a medium (I don’t think I’d go as far to put ‘happy’ in front of that) with your dad and kids. I know sprout will be surrounded by those who love him/her…that really is the important part.

  12. 25 Meredith August 26, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Speaking from experience, I’d say to go with your gut — if you think he’s a bad influence, then by all means shelter your child from him. That’s what I’ve done with mine in regards to my biological father. I discovered who he was and quickly also discovered he has a substance abuse problem. Nope, not around my kids.

  13. 27 Jenera September 11, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    It’s been a long time since I was around here but I wanted to say a bit about this. I went through the EXACT thing when my oldest was born. I felt that he shouldn’t be affected by my lack of a relationship with my father. I even gave my father a chance to be a part of my son’s life but he screwed it up before Aidan was even born.

    So, I look at it this way: My father ruined his relationship with me by treating me like a pile of garbage and giving fake promises. I refuse to have to figure how to explain that type of behavior to a CHILD when it happens again. I know it hurt going through that as an adult, imagine as a child.

    I will not speak bad about my father in front of either of my kids and if when they are older they want something to do with him, that is their choice. But as long as I’m the one protecting them, they will have nothing to do with him.

  14. 28 Halie November 30, 2011 at 10:34 am

    i have been/am going through this same thing. Only my real dad never contacted me for 13 years after he left me and my 2 younger brothers, we found out that one of my younger brothers had Muscular Dystrophe (he has recently passed away) and after that, he left us. I guess he was too chicken to handle it? who knows. but i was 9. Completely devistated! eventually i learned to part with it. My brothers on the other hand, they didnt remember anything about him or any of the harsh enviornment that we all lived in (Greatful). Anyways! I strongly agree with your disicion. My son who is almost a year old, his fathers parents are horrible characters and we do not allow our son anywhere near them. If the child never knows them then what is the harm? Im sure our son will meet them eventually, and hopefully he will be at the age of some sort of understanding, after we tell him the truth (to an extent) just be as easy as possible. We dont want to break their little hearts lol. As a mother i do and will do everything in my power to keep him from the evil’s in this world and most of the time, the evil is right next to us. (Our Situations) Everything reflects in a childs behavior. And it is very improtant now that we raise children with as many morals and as much respect as possible, and manners as well! All 3 of those are what civilization lacks. We must keep it going, to the best of our abilities! I am going to stop rambleing! Just wanted to let you know that i agree with you 100% and to do what you think is best for YOUR child/children

  15. 29 Michelle Kreifels December 18, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Oh dear… I am sorry you have to toil with these emotions. It’s unfortunate.

    I was abused as a child. My father had a different name for me, B!$ch. I was also called cunt, wench, slut, and whore. His favorite though was b!$ch. I was called that several times a day for three years before I got up the courage to stand up for myself, knowing it could/would lead to a physical altercation; he slammed me into a wall and his fist stopped about 1/4″ in front of my face. I wore glasses so I could only imagine the added damage that would have done had he not stopped. He told me to get the hell out. When I went to leave, barefoot, he told me to get up stairs. At this point I remember laughing because he is someone that always has to be in control and he didn’t know what to do when I turned on him.

    This is the same father that dropped us off and left when I was 8, ‘J’ was 7, and the twins were 2. He didn’t show up in our lives again until I was 13, with a NEW MOM. We had now idea what was going on. Just that he was starting a new family and we didn’t know exactly where we fit in. I never knew. I was the accident that turned out to be a girl instead of a boy.

    I was sent to my Grandma’s with a one way ticket. I didn’t talk to my dad for years after that. I developed my own little flaw. I can write people off, never looking back, like they never existed. I’m very good at it. I wash my hands and call it good. It’s how I’ve survived years of abuse and torment from people. I have a wall and trust issues. It takes a lot to earn my trust. You lie or hurt me once and that’s it. However, this has backfired on me a few times. It’s not always a good thing to not trust someone. To hold them up to a standard when they have no idea what they did wrong, because they actually never did anything wrong. If that makes sense.

    My dad and I have since started talking. I forgave myself and then wrote him a letter saying that I did not deserve what he did to me. That it wasn’t my fault for being who I was. That I was a beautiful and a smart person who deserved to be around people who loved me. I realized that after all the abuse he put my mother, and us kids through, he is still a human being and deserving of forgiveness. It certainly wasn’t easy. I certainly won’t forget, I am certainly much more careful around him. I was turning into a mean person by holding onto years of hate. I was becoming someone I didn’t recognize.

    I apologize for the long drawn out beat-around-the-bush approach to my point. My point is you and Tim are right. I completely agree with the both of you. While the child has the right to know his grandparents, there also needs to be stipulations which, you have already made clear. Sometimes all it will take is a little bundle of joy to bring people together that otherwise wouldn’t even bother. (I know it’s a little Hallmark).

    Thank you for your patience in reading this.


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