i’m not crazy because…

This is part one of avoiding the nut house…because no one thought to give me a prescription for any kind of anti-anxiety medication. Apparently that’s too dangerous or something. I’m not even sure what part two is yet.  It’s probably dressing myself.  That’d be a huge win for the husband cause I think he’s pretty much tired of picking out my clothes and putting bright pink sticky notes on them all, “This goes over your HEAD and NOT over your ASS.” Turtlenecks can be so confusing sometimes…damn.

But, I’m convinced I’m not crazy because…

I don’t have an imaginary friend who I constantly seek for advice about things like shampoo flavors and Tuesday meal selections (Hi, Fred! I know – they’ll never understand).

I usually know the difference between a fork and a spoon and when it is appropriate to use each. Cake is eaten with a spoon and sporks are dangerous. Duh.

The stuffed animals actually don’t move by themselves. According to the husband, I move them (though I’d think I’d remember setting up a circle of stuffed animals around a miniature campfire. The hell, Fred?)

I do not repeat the same word over and over…except fluffernutter exactly 19 times before I pee and 3 times after I see a butterfly…but that’s only because fluffernutter is probably the most awesome word that isn’t in the dictionary. Except for booshy and I’m still pushing for that one…

I do not refer to Jessica in the third person.

I do not collect random objects and hide them between the couch cushions and behind the refrigerator in that tiny, little nook.  I’ve found that the walls in the garage and bedroom hold a shitload more.

I’ve stopped sitting on tennis balls, waiting for them to hatch.  I’ve learned that to get anywhere with this activity, it will require a trip to the microwave for exactly 5.42 minutes followed by 75 seconds in the freezer.

I don’t think I’m afraid of my shadow…today.

I’ve stopped responding to bird calls with a kazoo. It’s the harmonica coupled with the accordion that works. Every time.

I’ve accepted that it is not possible to teleport via closet. Yet.

I finally got rid of the unicorn in the bathroom. He stays in the spare closet now – the one with my wedding dress. I convinced him it was another unicorn since it had sparkles on it. He’s totally retarded that way.

Snow actually isn’t soap flakes that will result in an awesome outdoor bubble bath. It is frozen fairy pee.  And no one swims in fairy pee.


16 Responses to “i’m not crazy because…”

  1. 1 carissajade November 23, 2009 at 12:31 pm

    You crack me up girl… so you’re saying I can’t teleport via my closet? WHAT?

    And maybe your stuffed animals don’t move, but mine certainly do!

  2. 2 Maureen November 23, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    Whatever, my closet is totally a magic elevator.

  3. 3 divinem November 23, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    I am pretty sure my closet is a black hole. I am not sure which alternate universe my missing objects are sent to. But once things are put in there, there is the risk that they may never be seen/worn by me again.

  4. 4 Sam November 23, 2009 at 2:45 pm

    Is 5.42 minutes for the tennis ball 5 minutes and 25 seconds (0.42min), or 5 minutes and 42 seconds? Thats a 17 second window of criticality. Might make all the difference.

  5. 5 mark price November 23, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Yep, you’ve lost it…Welcome to the party! We’re glad you came!

  6. 6 peedee November 23, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    wow. welcome to my madness. want a xanax??

  7. 7 mepsipax November 23, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    I am sorry to have to tell you this. But, I think you are flipping nuts. That is ok though because I like nuts. Eww not those kinds.
    That is not what I meant.
    Don’t start this. We had such a good thing going. You are a sick bastard and I won’t put that in my mouth.
    This isn’t going well. I am going to stop now.

  8. 8 middle-aged-woman November 23, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    Wait. I’m not supposed to swim in the fairy pee?

    Shit. Now you tell me.

  9. 9 Mindy@thesuburbanlife November 23, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    God, I’m freaked out because I totally understood everything you said. Does that mean I’m crazy? Or maybe you’re crazy because you think you’re NOT crazy? Or maybe, I’m not crazy because I think you ARE crazy? Where’s my Xanax… =|

  10. 10 Alice in Wonderland November 23, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    I loved this post! Yes things move during the night, my closet is really a black hole, and I’ve always called Butterflies, Flutterbys. because that is what they do!
    I’m sorry that I am not writing as much as I used to, but we are having some really extreme weather here, and we are having a lot of power-cuts. So,I’m trying to get around as many people as I can and let them know what is happening right now. I’m suffering from things to do with my fingers at the moment! Hopefully these power-cuts won’t last for much longer!

  11. 11 Angelia November 24, 2009 at 12:09 am

    Frozen fairy pee, processing……………Eww!

    Wait, it’s not yellow, nor sparkly? I’m so confused.

  12. 12 DJ Kirkby November 24, 2009 at 8:31 am

    You’re hilarious, not crazy. My new favourite ‘non dictionary’ word is bajamawammers. Why aren’t you on Twitter yet? Come find me when you are.

  13. 13 eliseoberliesen November 24, 2009 at 8:56 am

    Love it! You are very funny. Tennis balls, my fave!

  14. 14 basia November 24, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    All very good points, especially eating cake with a spoon. I don’t *get* people who eat it with a fork. The proportions are all wrong! And tiny forks make me feel anxious.

  15. 15 submom November 25, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    I am glad you are NOT CRAZY in the most bizarre way. It is an art, and science actually. 🙂

  1. 1 Where do all my missing clothes go?! « This is My Life, Really?! Trackback on November 23, 2009 at 3:19 pm

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