what do we do? we fuck it all up.

Today was actually going to be an all nicey-nicey warm and fuzzy post…cause I was going to talk about last night…our 5-year-the-day-we-met-in-person-a-versary.

Fuck that.

Guess what the hell happened to us this morning? Because, I mean, when does anything in our lives EVER GO AS PLANNED?

That’d be too easy.

So, what happened? Well…………

We’ve run in the same damn Turkey Trot the past three years…two of those with no issues…

This year?

We manage to fuck it all up and run the wrong direction, thus not *technically* running the requisite 3.1 miles.

Now, before you’re all, “you are so stupid…can’t even run a race the right way” – we weren’t the only one…it was a group of us not sure which direction to go, only knowing that the way we were headed was dead ass wrong. So, apparently, we were among a collective gaggle of idiots.

And instead of using our own brains, Tim and I played follow-the-leader like dumbasses when we should have broken from the pack and ran back to figure out where we went wrong.

If you’ve never run a race, well, this probably won’t make any sense to you but: WE WERE WE ARE PISSED.

Finishing a race that you didn’t exactly complete sucks big, fat unicorn balls.

Finishing a race where you had a shot at WINNING in your respective age group? Well, we still aren’t able to talk about that without wanting to destroy something very large and very fucking expensive.

After we ran through the finishers area, I decided to turn around and run back down the trail to figure out where we went wrong…because it would drive me crazy NOT. FINISHING.

I found it.

A sharp ass, 90 degree right turn that wasn’t clearly marked.  Next year, they need to put up a massive, talking sign or stick someone at the turn wearing a sandwich board. Either way, the message needs to be clearly stated: “THIS WAY. FUCKTARDS”

Then…maybe we’ll pay attention…because after slumming through dirt and mud and dodging trees and random, rubber ducks tied to low-hanging branches (aka “duck” ….)? You just want to run…without thinking. You don’t want to have to be all McGuyver-like, looking for the path to lead us to the promised land.

As I was walking back to the trail, Tim (who sat at the finishers area and watched, fuming over our mistake) overheard a lady who just finished, talking about me and pointing as I walked by all, “SHE’S ONE THAT WENT STRAIGHT!!! CHEATER FACE.”

I wanted to whip around and be all, “I’m going back to find where I went wrong and I didn’t even put my name and my time in as a finisher, asshole. So technically, I don’t even EXIST. Which probably means you should sleep with one eye open.”

It has not been a pleasant post-Turkey Trot morning in the Bold household.

I told Tim that one day we’d laugh about this.

He didn’t think that was very funny.

The good news? We’re about to stuff our faces with lots of food…yay Thanksgiving # 1!

I did have Tim take a picture, though. This is me, post-race.

I'm only smiling because there's a camera. And I'm about to fart. You're welcome.

And my dirty feet.

I swear. It's mud. I think?


15 Responses to “what do we do? we fuck it all up.”

  1. 1 A Vapid Blonde November 21, 2009 at 11:08 am

    I can totally see the word ‘FFFFUUUUCCCKKKK’ forming on your lips. The way your teeth are ever so slightly biting your lower lip. The next word might just be ‘OFF’!

    Technically you did finish though because you went back figured it out and then finished…right? (should I ‘duck’ now?)

    • 2 Jessica November 22, 2009 at 9:09 am

      A Vapid Blonde:*technically* …..yes. But STILL. FFFFUUUCCCKKK.

      Donald Mills: Really? You did that, too? Wow. I thought I was the only one.

      maureenlynn: You should try it…just once. Maybe?

      franzi: Yes…it’s definitely starting to sound that way…I might need another degree just to run. Damn.

      mark p: Thhaaatt’s about it. Yup.

      Angelia: I can totally see you doing that…and anyone who’s older…they always get pissed when a young, spry (aka: doesn’t need Depends) thang beats them.

      Theresa: Glad you were all nice and comfy…next time I’ll remember to oss some mud your direction…just so you can get in the *spirit* 🙂

      Linnnn: I want to do the one where you get to Goofy medal – the half one day and the full the next. By the time I got around to those last few miles…the characters would probably start to look more frightening than helpful all, “I’m going to eat your FACE!” Yah…totally my kind of thing. 🙂

      Em: Glad you can empathize…we’re looking for ANOTHER turkey trot to run to nullify this one…and yes…he doesn’t like to be in the picture with me…(actually, I think it’s mostly because he’s the one taking it…)

      Spot: I didn’t actually HEAR her…Tim did and then told me about it…and what if I told you there WAS chocolate at the end?…:)

      divinem: Yay! So glad you’re joining the *gang* 🙂 And thanks for the 5 year congrats!

  2. 3 Donald Mills November 21, 2009 at 11:40 am

    Ahh…the traditional Thanksgiving “sucking of big, fat unicorn balls”.

    takes me back to my childhood

  3. 4 maureenlynn November 21, 2009 at 11:48 am

    That sounds exactly like something I would do if I were to ever actually run for enjoyment, which I would not.

  4. 5 lifestartsnow November 21, 2009 at 11:51 am

    so running not only involves physical activity? you also have to figure out directions??? puhleeeze

    sounds way too difficult to me.


  5. 6 mark price November 21, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    so lemme see if i as a non-runner can figure all this out. The race organizers decided that the participants ie: you and Tim and like prolly a bazillion others are smart enough to navigate this unknown, forbidden, muddy wasteland, but are not smart enough to keep from knocking yourselves unconscious on a low hanging tree branch? Niiiice! You totally were conjuring up a fart huh, Thats cool!

  6. 7 Angelia November 21, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    I totally beat this dude one year…he got confused and went the wrong way, I come along waaay behind him. I look around see the arrow, and show him see? It’s this a way. We go the right way, and now I’m caught up with him. Then I turn up the heat at the finish line and pass him. Ohhhh, he was ticked! Said HEY!!! (he was ahead of me the WHOLE 10K).

    After, when I looked up the standings, yeah, he was 67. Go me.

    You are going to LAUGH so hard about this!!! HEH!

    That lady totally thought you took a short cut (the mud girl, the mud).

  7. 8 Theresa November 21, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    That’s funny shit, even if you don’t recognize that right now. It’s even funnier to me that while you were accomplishing all that, i was sleeping in my comfy, warm bed. Go me!

  8. 9 Linnnn November 21, 2009 at 1:59 pm

    You should run the Disney one down here. It goes through all the theme parks and everywhere you need directions, there is a princess or a big furry animal or pirates or at the very least a big expensive sign to guide you. Maybe the race you ran today was named appropriately since a 90 degree turn was not clearly marked!

    Go Bold!

  9. 10 Em November 21, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    If I were you, while you’re still raving mad about this (as you should be) I would write a very strong letter of disappointment to the organizers of this ANNUAL event. They need to get their asses in gear and make sure the route is CLEARLY marked!

    Being someone who participates in events like this, I can remember coming upon an intersection and starting to get anxious about which way to turn, but have always been saved by a group of volunteers pointing the way, or a sign, or SOMETHING!

    You are right though – you will laugh about this one day. This will forever be known as the year you ran the Turkey Trot the wrong way, and I hope you laugh your asses off. And your kids will think you’re so lame and roll their eyes. Ah, happy future memories.

    And I will also say that I’m not surprised that picture was of just yourself, and not a duo-shot. I’m seeing a definite pattern.

  10. 11 Spot November 21, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    So did you hit the annoying lady? Or at least say something along the lines of “I made a mistake. You’re just ugly.” Because I probably would have done one of those. Especially if I found out I got out of bed early and ran for nothing. But then again I will probably never find myself in this situation because I don’t run. Unless something super scary is chasing me. Or there’s chocolate at the end.

    So Yay you just for getting out of bed early. And running. Even the wrong way. You still got me beat! =]


  11. 12 divinem November 22, 2009 at 12:09 am

    I don’t blame you one bit for being pissed! I would be livid! That is why I don’t run, I suck at it and directions! Congrats on the five years! I have just recently found your blog, and it is great. I have really enjoyed reading.

  12. 13 Leese November 23, 2009 at 1:53 am

    No.. you’re teeth are clenched SO tight in the picture that I just KNOW you were thinking “… now I know what you drive, bitch! You won’t be driving away so fast next year with TWO flat tires!!”

    Because.. yknow.. if you’re going to flatten somebody’s tires you have to flatten two because everybody carries ONE spare..

    Tell you what… We’ll have a race and I’ll just sit on a lawn chair with a cup of coffee, this way you’ll win!

  13. 14 morethananelectrician November 23, 2009 at 11:27 am

    You’d think that, on a three mile course, someone would have “pre-run” the course to figure out where the issues were goingt o be…or maybe had someone there guiding the runners. That has to be frustrating.

    It looks like you were kicking you other leg with your dirty shoe…or running through a cow pasture.

  14. 15 Andrea (Off Her Cork) November 24, 2009 at 11:29 am

    I probably would have punched that other lady in the neck. I realize how unsportsmanlike this is but I never said I was perfect. 😉 I totally get how frustrating that would have been and I would have been really ticked off too. But yay food! 😀

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