i’m changing the title to: i hate lowe’s

I’ve found the one job that will *always* result in a catastrophe – other than being a math teacher…wow. We won’t even go there. That’d be a disaster…kids trying to do some bastardized version of long division that involves little jacks and a rubber ball to get the remainder.

Anyway, this catastrophe would totally fall on you, not me. So *technically* to me, it wouldn’t matter two shits…or even four shits…if someone was dumb enough to think that I knew the difference between a 2×4 and a 4×2 or a screw versus a bolt or flathead or somebody called Phillip.

So, if you don’t want your house to literally run away screaming, do yourself a favor: If you see me wearing an orange smock, my name written with a Sharpie all “My Name Is JESSICA” in big, black, bubble letters, wandering around, looking lost in a store like Lowe’s or Home Depot or Ace Hardware or any place that sells lots of…the hell if I know…shiny stuff and wood and things wrapped so tightly in plastic they’re labeled with numbers…RUN AWAY. Do not ask me to give you advice any advice.

Because I’m warning you: if you are dumb enough to make that mistake, it will not end well. What? You need one of those things to make carpet stick to the ground? Well, we’ve got plenty of that Elmers glue…and tape! Oh! The tape! It comes in all kinds of colors…like pink and green and I saw this camouflage kind the other day…totally rugged.

My opinion on paint? Flat or matte or gloss? I don’t paint.

What about plumbing supplies?…Wait, you’re looking for a thing called a SNAKE? Hell no. You’re on your own.

You need a doorbell? Now, there’s something we can do. Oh, you need to know how to install a doorbell? Well, no one here seems to want to tell me how those little gnomes manage to string that wire from the outside of the door to the actual “bell” part that must involve about a million strategically placed miniature megaphones…because that ding-donging emanates from the entire ceiling. I’m thinking it involves some kind of contraption with lots of fishing line and possibly a bucket of flour.

The other weekend, we went to Lowe’s for some kind of toilet ball thing and all I could manage to find were these really pretty flushers.

And we bought them, too, Tim saying that we needed new one’s…though I think the real reason was because he was so proud that I actually picked out something RELATED to a toilet that he wanted to give me some positive reinforcement all, “this was the first time you have ever been useful in this store.”

Usually, I like to look at all the carpet squares and the bathroom tile boards all, “can we buy THESE?!”

And he’ll look at me like, “what in the hell would we do with THOSE?”

Me: I don’t know? They’re just so pretty. And eclectic. I like eclectic. By the way, do they sell those miniature tents here? I totally want one for the girls.

Tim: It’s because they’re SAMPLES. Even the tents. And you already know they don’t sell samples. We’ve been through this…we go through this every damn time.

It’s true. They won’t give you the tents. Once, I even asked to be added to a list at REI for their miniature tents…so apparently I’m not the only one who wants them.

Anyway, did I participate in the flusher installation? Hell. No. Had I done so, our flushers probably would’ve turned off all the lights or opened the garage or randomly switched on the garbage disposal instead of do its intended function: flush the feces.


Though, I do think I could manage the blow-up santa and reindeer section. I’ll bet I could sell the hell out of those things all, “Who doesn’t want a larger-than-life snow globe in the front yard?!”

And I’m sure my customer victim would be all, “uhhh…those things are god-awful fugly and stupid.”

(almost end of the post side note: fugly = fucking ugly. You’re welcome)

Me: A blow-up snow globe is not fugly. It’s fucking awesome. Especially if you have kids. Then, you can be all, “Look, kids! I trapped Santa! Now he has to give us all the presents! Blackmail? No, son, this is called using your resources. Now, go grab that massive Easter basket your mother made out of paper mache last year. We’ve got some work to do.”


20 Responses to “i’m changing the title to: i hate lowe’s”

  1. 1 Sarah November 11, 2009 at 9:40 am

    Those miniature tents are awesome! I’ve always wanted one, but never got so far as asking to buy one :).

  2. 2 LB @Wait, She Said What? November 11, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Since buying our house we’ve been in Lowes at least 3 times a week for over a month now. The people that work there actually recognize us. Now that’s just sad.

    Depending on what we’re going for decides whether I’m helpful or just distracting. If we need plumbing, electrical or anything tool related then I’m all, “why the hell am I here? Oh look, Christmas stuff!” Then I wander off and my hubby either just walks away or drags me over to the correct area. If we’re going for lighting, paint or Christmas stuff, then I’m totally focused and helpful. Once he starts looking at the saws and crap though I just walk over to the pretty light section until he comes back to reality from ‘tool world’.

    Have you seen the rotating Christmas tree there?! Totally awesome. Not for $300 though. That’s just insane. Hubby was like, “why would we need a turning Christmas tree?” My only reason? Because it turns! I’m like a little kid in a toy store when all the Christmas stuff comes out. It’s like a mini addiction.

  3. 3 Theresa November 11, 2009 at 10:05 am

    I have never been brave enough to ask about the miniature tents either! I really think they are adorable and would be perfect for pets. Glad I’m not alone.

  4. 4 Angelia Sims November 11, 2009 at 11:30 am

    My favorite toy growing up was the Barbie Camper RV. It even had a little bathroom, one of those tents would have been SWEEEEET! (if you score one, can I play with it??)

    Barbie camping was awesome since we lived in the country right next to the woods.

    Of course my brothers decided to booby trap it with fire crackers and sent Barbie and friends careening across the deck……pop..pop..pop..pop….It was a blackened twisted mass, wheels off, upside down – undue return for me ripping the heads off their GI Joes. I didn’t KNOW they wouldn’t go back on. Jeeez.

  5. 5 carissajaded November 11, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    I try my best to avoid Lowes/owning a house/knowing anyone who may want any kind of assistance with their home… for pretty much….(see your blog.)

    And I would fricking LOVE a snowglobe in my front yard. And lots of other tacky awesome blow up decorations.

  6. 6 bevchen November 11, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Little tents?! Totally lost me with this one…

  7. 7 Laura November 11, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Dude. I totally love those miniature tents. πŸ™‚

  8. 8 Violet November 11, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    LMAO, I love going to Lowe’s! Not to buy anything at all, just to look at ALL the shit they got in there. And to daydream. If I were a handy person at all, my home would be AMAZING, but I am not. So I’m waiting till I get rich to pay someone to make my home AMAZING πŸ™‚

  9. 9 lifestartsnow November 11, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    talking about teaching ME new words! fugly is great! so was linner which i learned from you, too!


  10. 10 Amy November 11, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    It’s amazing how much I hated going to Home Depot until we bought our house. Now I love it. They have area rugs! And pretty things! And they’re 2 miles away! Yeah, I get excited about Home Depot.

  11. 11 Lola November 11, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    LOL! I would totally love to go contraption shopping with you, I love those tents! Thanks for the laugh πŸ™‚

  12. 12 mark price November 11, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    ok I love the little tents. I love the home depot unless I have to get one of their ass-ociates to help me find something. Seriously, went their one day asked for a pulley, ass-ociate says, “Uh what are those used for?” Never mind Dude will find it myself. Another time I asked if they carried “black pipe”.(readers who may not know, black pipe is for gas lines.) Guess what? Ass-istant manager tries to sell me stove pipe. I wonder what he thought when I went all slack jawed and couldn’t speak. If my Christmas tree turned I would be forced to decorate all the way around it…not happening.

  13. 13 DirtyHooker November 11, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    You don’t need to know any of that stuff if you have boobs.

  14. 14 crazyinthemaking November 11, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    I am totally with LB@Wait. I am into anything decorative from a ceiling fan to flooring, you had better not pick it out without me.

    Anything else, I don’t want to go. I did stand there as he was going on and on about different grills, but I was thinking ‘Will you just hurry up and pick one so I know what to get you for Fathers Day!’

  15. 15 Mindy@thesuburbanlife November 12, 2009 at 12:48 am

    My husband, like a lot of men, loves Home Depot and Lowes…basically any store that sells things which makes him feel more manly. I pretty much follow behind him through the store, whining and bitching, kicking the back of his feet asking if it’s time to go yet. Great marriage-builder, those home improvement stores.

  16. 16 esdowd November 12, 2009 at 9:43 am

    If fugly = fucking ugly, the shouldn’t fucking awesome = fawesome?

  17. 17 maureenlynn November 12, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Oh I love the miniature tents!

    As for the shopping at Lowes/Home Depot/etc., I don’t even try. I just tell Matt what I’m thinking about buying, he does some comparative shopping online, and basically tells me exactly what to get. Then he sets it up for me. I think this is a good system.

  18. 18 submom November 12, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Oh oh oh. You are definitely not alone. I want, covet even, the mini tents on display at REI as well! They will be a great alternative to doll houses! Oh, an innovative business idea, free, for people who read your posts and ALSO the comments!

  19. 19 Stephanie November 12, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    I have no use for that store. Although once I took some carpet samples to give to my bunny because he likes to chew on carpet and I though I could give him some of his own. It was a good idea, but then he peed on them and I had to throw them out. I don’t think you could get the tents, but take some carpet! If anyone asks just say you want to see how the color matches your walls, or something.

  20. 20 Shelli November 12, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    I’ve always wanted one of those little tents, too! Now I find out you can be put on a LIST? Woohoo!! (To the person who asked, the little tents are miniature models of the actual real person sized tents. They display them, so you can see what one would look like when assembled, magnified by 1000 of course.)

    I must be the only woman around who LOVES going to Home Depot. It’s one of my favorite stores, AND I know what most of the stuff is and how to use it! My ex used to joke that he was going to the “man store” with our Son, as if it’s some exclusive place for men only. Until I started demanding to go, too! πŸ˜€

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