I’ve found the one job that will *always* result in a catastrophe – other than being a math teacher…wow. We won’t even go there. That’d be a disaster…kids trying to do some bastardized version of long division that involves little jacks and a rubber ball to get the remainder.
Anyway, this catastrophe would totally fall on you, not me. So *technically* to me, it wouldn’t matter two shits…or even four shits…if someone was dumb enough to think that I knew the difference between a 2×4 and a 4×2 or a screw versus a bolt or flathead or somebody called Phillip.
So, if you don’t want your house to literally run away screaming, do yourself a favor: If you see me wearing an orange smock, my name written with a Sharpie all “My Name Is JESSICA” in big, black, bubble letters, wandering around, looking lost in a store like Lowe’s or Home Depot or Ace Hardware or any place that sells lots of…the hell if I know…shiny stuff and wood and things wrapped so tightly in plastic they’re labeled with numbers…RUN AWAY. Do not ask me to give you advice any advice.
Because I’m warning you: if you are dumb enough to make that mistake, it will not end well. What? You need one of those things to make carpet stick to the ground? Well, we’ve got plenty of that Elmers glue…and tape! Oh! The tape! It comes in all kinds of colors…like pink and green and I saw this camouflage kind the other day…totally rugged.
My opinion on paint? Flat or matte or gloss? I don’t paint.
What about plumbing supplies?…Wait, you’re looking for a thing called a SNAKE? Hell no. You’re on your own.
You need a doorbell? Now, there’s something we can do. Oh, you need to know how to install a doorbell? Well, no one here seems to want to tell me how those little gnomes manage to string that wire from the outside of the door to the actual “bell” part that must involve about a million strategically placed miniature megaphones…because that ding-donging emanates from the entire ceiling. I’m thinking it involves some kind of contraption with lots of fishing line and possibly a bucket of flour.
The other weekend, we went to Lowe’s for some kind of toilet ball thing and all I could manage to find were these really pretty flushers.
And we bought them, too, Tim saying that we needed new one’s…though I think the real reason was because he was so proud that I actually picked out something RELATED to a toilet that he wanted to give me some positive reinforcement all, “this was the first time you have ever been useful in this store.”
Usually, I like to look at all the carpet squares and the bathroom tile boards all, “can we buy THESE?!”
And he’ll look at me like, “what in the hell would we do with THOSE?”
Me: I don’t know? They’re just so pretty. And eclectic. I like eclectic. By the way, do they sell those miniature tents here? I totally want one for the girls.
Tim: It’s because they’re SAMPLES. Even the tents. And you already know they don’t sell samples. We’ve been through this…we go through this every damn time.
It’s true. They won’t give you the tents. Once, I even asked to be added to a list at REI for their miniature tents…so apparently I’m not the only one who wants them.
Anyway, did I participate in the flusher installation? Hell. No. Had I done so, our flushers probably would’ve turned off all the lights or opened the garage or randomly switched on the garbage disposal instead of do its intended function: flush the feces.
Though, I do think I could manage the blow-up santa and reindeer section. I’ll bet I could sell the hell out of those things all, “Who doesn’t want a larger-than-life snow globe in the front yard?!”
And I’m sure my customer victim would be all, “uhhh…those things are god-awful fugly and stupid.”
(almost end of the post side note: fugly = fucking ugly. You’re welcome)
Me: A blow-up snow globe is not fugly. It’s fucking awesome. Especially if you have kids. Then, you can be all, “Look, kids! I trapped Santa! Now he has to give us all the presents! Blackmail? No, son, this is called using your resources. Now, go grab that massive Easter basket your mother made out of paper mache last year. We’ve got some work to do.”