I have these moments every so often…if you’ve been reading for a few months, I’m sure you’re used to them by now.
If you’re new, don’t worry. It almost comes out like a pep talk or something?
Blame it on the rain and the gray skies…
Except this time, my little ramblings are coming with a pseudo-question.
Tim and I have had a conversation about who we’re supposed to become probably a million times. Yes, I’m serious. It happens almost daily.
And it always ends the same way. A way that I’ve mentioned before: I feel like I’m meant to be someone. Not just like, Teacher of the Year or anything. I mean, Teacher of the Year is awesome but first, I’m not a teacher and second, what I’m talking about is on a much grander scale…a “someone” who will affect lives across the globe and not just in a single city or town or state.
Something keeps pulling at me, tugging in the dark recesses of my brain…it’s like *that* person is trapped inside and is desperately trying to find a way out. I used to be afraid to talk about this. I was ashamed and felt others would look at me and roll their eyes all, “pipe dreams, little girl. Pipe dreams.”
But it’s not.
I know it.
It’s more than just thinking it’s your mother’s voice in the back of your head saying, “You can be anything you want to be…” It’s like an insatiable desire…a wanting that will not be quashed until I become this person, this someone.
It’s completely frustrating when you see it…you want it so badly…and it just ISN’T HAPPENING YET.
Tim is convinced it is centered around writing…my book…and I am inclined to agree. I’ve always been able to paint a picture and get my point across through writing more so than any other form of communication. Truth be told, I’d much rather that “talent” be through singing, but whatever. I’ll take it.
The book I’m writing…yes, I’m being all secretive and hush-hush…but it’s not because I’m being mean on purpose…it’s because it is developing and changing and morphing on a daily basis. Each day I write, something new pops out that I hadn’t even thought about before that moment.
That’s how it works. It just flows. I don’t struggle with ideas and pull my hair out for a plot line…it just comes out. Whether that’s good or bad..well, only time will tell, I suppose.
My pseudo-question? Yes, I think it’s about time for that. I’m done rambling.
Do you – or did you – feel that way? Is there something you just knew you were supposed to do?
And what are you doing about it?
So, that was like, three questions…but it’s only the last one that matters.
To me, anyway.
Every day I try to find that damn key to unlock the door. I still haven’t found it but I won’t give up, because I’m a self-proclaimed stubborn asshole.