a breakout? one day.

I have these moments every so often…if you’ve been reading for a few months, I’m sure you’re used to them by now.

If you’re new, don’t worry. It almost comes out like a pep talk or something?

Blame it on the rain and the gray skies…

Except this time, my little ramblings are coming with a pseudo-question.

Tim and I have had a conversation about who we’re supposed to become probably a million times. Yes, I’m serious. It happens almost daily.

And it always ends the same way. A way that I’ve mentioned before: I feel like I’m meant to be someone. Not just like, Teacher of the Year or anything. I mean, Teacher of the Year is awesome but first, I’m not a teacher and second, what I’m talking about is on a much grander scale…a “someone” who will affect lives across the globe and not just in a single city or town or state.

Something keeps pulling at me, tugging in the dark recesses of my brain…it’s like *that* person is trapped inside and is desperately trying to find a way out. I used to be afraid to talk about this. I was ashamed and felt others would look at me and roll their eyes all, “pipe dreams, little girl. Pipe dreams.”

But it’s not.

I know it.

DAMMIT!

It’s more than just thinking it’s your mother’s voice in the back of your head saying, “You can be anything you want to be…” It’s like an insatiable desire…a wanting that will not be quashed until I become this person, this someone.

It’s completely frustrating when you see it…you want it so badly…and it just ISN’T HAPPENING YET.

Tim is convinced it is centered around writing…my book…and I am inclined to agree. I’ve always been able to paint a picture and get my point across through writing more so than any other form of communication. Truth be told, I’d much rather that “talent” be through singing, but whatever. I’ll take it.

The book I’m writing…yes, I’m being all secretive and hush-hush…but it’s not because I’m being mean on purpose…it’s because it is developing and changing and morphing on a daily basis. Each day I write, something new pops out that I hadn’t even thought about before that moment.

That’s how it works. It just flows. I don’t struggle with ideas and pull my hair out for a plot line…it just comes out. Whether that’s good or bad..well, only time will tell, I suppose.

My pseudo-question? Yes, I think it’s about time for that. I’m done rambling.

Do you – or did you – feel that way? Is there  something you just knew you were supposed to do?

And what are you doing about it?

So, that was like, three questions…but it’s only the last one that matters.

To me, anyway.

Every day I try to find that damn key to unlock the door. I still haven’t found it but I won’t give up, because I’m a self-proclaimed stubborn asshole.

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25 Responses to “a breakout? one day.”


  1. 1 beth aka confusedhomemaker November 10, 2009 at 9:54 am

    I feel like there’s something & I’m on the verge of it but I’m not quite sure what *it* is exactly. What am I doing about it? Well, I started writing a lot, I got serious about getting work done, & I realized that taking time to be in the moment IS necessary because it’s in the moment that inspiration can hit.

  2. 2 maureenlynn November 10, 2009 at 10:09 am

    I think I knew I was supposed to be a scientist since college, so I got a degree and a job and became one but I still feel like there’s more I need to do. I’m not sure there is necessarily “one thing” that we have to be and that’s it. Maybe it’s kinda like your story, morphing and developing and changing all the time.

  3. 3 Daphne November 10, 2009 at 10:45 am

    I definitely feel this way, Jessica. I think it’s wonderful that your internal vocie is loud enough for you to hear it and that you are listening.

    Part of the reason I started blogging was to help myself find my “purpose”. I have realized that I have many purposes, and that there isn’t only one, but that there are a few important ones that I have not yet made reality.

    My blog is full of “I figured it out!” moments, most of which were wrong or at least, not quite right. It’s a process. Right now, I just need to focus on the closest purpose that makes me happy. Once I do that, I can look for the next one.

    Every day, as I listen to my heart more and listen to the people around me more, I have further insights into who I am and what I am capable of. I see doors open and opportunities flow and I grab ahold of the ones that feel right.

    I completely support your quest to find your purpose! It sounds like writing your book is absolutely what you should be doing right now and I am so impressed that you have already taken important steps toward making it a reality (quitting your job for one). You are realizing your purpose every day, every moment. Keep it up, girl! You can do it!

  4. 4 mark price November 10, 2009 at 11:24 am

    I aspire to be me. I know it sounds stupid but it isn’t. You ask the tough questions, you get the kooky answers. I used to think maybe I was supposed to do something great. Couldn’t ever quite figure out what it was. Now I think my calling is just be the best me that I can be. My thinking is that as individuals we are continually changing, evolving. To be confined forever by one title or description would totally stifle our natural evolution. Today I will be the best writer I can be. Tomorrow maybe I will be a philosopher. Thursday perhaps an engineer or architect. I am all these things on my own level. I am me, and I’m the very best me ever! Unfortunately being me doesn’t pay that well. LOL

  5. 5 txtingmrdarcy November 10, 2009 at 11:32 am

    You hit the nail on the head with this post. I too got the constant positive reinforcement of “you can be anything you want to be.” And when I saw my life shaping up to NOT be that of a famous performer/writer/teacher, I was not ok with that.

    Our generation was coached to be spectacular by our parents, which is great on their part. If we don’t live up to that, and *god forbid!* be average, it can cause us alot of guilt and that feeling of “unrealized potential.” I think you’re totally right in moving toward your goal with your book. I can’t wait to hear how this experience turns out for you.

  6. 6 Angelia November 10, 2009 at 11:37 am

    It’s really strange you bring this up. See, I feel like something big is waiting, just waiting, it’s not time yet, it’s not in motion, there is no worry. It’s just there…. It’s cool, it’s like I’m pregnant with a something great but it’s gotta be in the oven for awhile, maybe like an elephant birth.

    Or maybe, it’s going to be like my other ideas that get stolen and someone makes a ton of money.

    I had a doggie backpack idea, where the dog has pouches to carry his own poopy bags. Yep, done, someone did it.

    Or the great idea of making changeable cases to go over your laptop, you know so you could have a zebra laptop then pop it off and do cheetah. Think cell phone cases covers for laptops. Yep, they are doing it.

    I have tons of those, so frustrating…..on the hand. I absolutely believe (and I’ve said this for a WHILE) that you are going to be famous, yes YOU. I can’t wait, but you’ll probably like snub your nose at the little people. Hmph! Fine be that way. Use my back to climb your way up. Ow!

  7. 7 Theresa November 10, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Apparently, we ALL feel that way. I’m so proud of you for writing. I wish I could sit down and really focus on my dream, but I have to pay the bills and it seems like my dreams just get pushed to the back all the time.

  8. 8 Shannon November 10, 2009 at 11:47 am

    I’m with you on this one. I have always felt that tug to work harder, fight harder, climb faster…there is something more to all of this and bigger. Much bigger. During all my sould searching in the past couple months I know I am in a place I never ever thought I would be in but I feel like it is taking mold to a direction that I am suppose to be in. I don’t know what to do about it besides not giving up on the idea of more. Not settling. I refuse to settle until it feels right.

  9. 9 Spot November 10, 2009 at 12:37 pm

    Okay. Okay. I’ll stop asking what your book is about. Geez.

    No, seriously, I think part of it is an age thing. When you’re young, you’re constantly feeling like you have greatness inside you and you need to find out what to do with it. How to do it productively and maybe on a grand scale. I know, at least, that’s how I felt. But as I’ve aged (and my 40th birthday is only a month away) I look around at what I have accomplished and I know I did exactly what I was meant to do. It wasn’t grand and it wasn’t large scale. But who knows how even the little things effect the world at large. You may not see the result of your efforts in your lifetime and that’s okay. I’ve been a good mom, a good friend, and a good advocate. I’ve tried my best to be the best possible “me” that I could. I’ve given of myself to strangers in need. I’ve taught my kids to be compassionate caring individuals who also give back. I’ve been a shoulder to cry on to people who had no one else. None of these are world altering at this level. But who knows where those actions lead?

    And now, I can focus on my writing and me. Don’t struggle with it. When the time is right, you’ll know what you’re supposed to do.

    ♥Spot

  10. 10 Jaime November 10, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    For me, it is writing. I know I’m a fantastic writer and that should motivate me, but I’m also a perfectionist. I suck at first drafts, and so I’ve never finished writing anything that wasn’t a blog or an essay.

    With NaNoWriMo, I’m practicing letting that perfectionist part of myself go, and focusing on the just writing part. There are so many stories inside of me, so many ideas that I never let out because of my perfectionist side.

  11. 11 esdowd November 10, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Check out http://www.thesocialleader.com/2009/08/find-purpose-life/

    And yes, not only do I feel that way about me, but I believe that every single person on this earth has a specific purpose and reason to be alive.

  12. 12 Jenera November 10, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    I have no idea if I’m meant to be something big. Hell, I just figured out I wanted to be a photographer last year. I feel like maybe I’m missing something but I’m still not sure yet what that is. yet.

  13. 13 T November 10, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    The difference between the artists (or dreamers) that “Make it” and those that don’t isn’t the “feeling” you describe (having it or not) but what they choose to do about it. Ask any child what they want to be and they usually answer with a sparkle of unwavering conviction (be it “The candy man” or a “Cowboy!) What sets the course (more than that swelling conviction inside your chest) is your tenacity- you’re willfulness to succeed in the face of all that will fly at you. Because the kind of success that you are talking about doesn’t come easily… It’s part of the allure of it all – to become one of the few on top of the mountain.

    Keep writing, keep rewriting, get your work out there when it’s finished and keep learning and growing as a writer in the process…

    The feeling you describe exists in so many of us… but very few are willing to fight as hard as you must in order to actually wrap your hungry little paws around it!

  14. 14 Amy November 10, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    I am supposed to be a teacher. I know it. I know it like I know my own reflection. What amy I doing about it? Nothing. For two reasons. Time and money.

  15. 15 liz November 10, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    I’ve always known that I’m here to help people and communities connect to their own power… and learn to connect to my own.

    I LOVE bringing people together around an idea and making it happen …and that’s why I’ve been working with non profits and artists for 25 years. Best buzz in the world to see an idea become a reality and make a difference.

    I also have worked with individuals and groups to explore what’s important in their lives right now … because things change and those 5 year plans just do my head in!

    That’s why I’m developing Life Dreaming with my brother Marc. So people can do it for themselves.

    Tim’s right Jessica …you’re a writer … even when you’re kicking and screaming to find those 1000 or so words a day.

    Some of the most amazing people I have met will never have an obvious global impact … others will.

    Their common denominator is a kind of personal authenticity & power that is tangible …flaws and all.

    Passion and purpose …very very sexy qualities in any human being.

  16. 16 Cyndi November 10, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Shaun and I were talking about this the other night. My opinion is that you are supposed to aim high even though you’ll never get to that point. Fantasy is ALWAYS better than reality so if you get your fantasy, then what? Also, what kind of personal grief would you have to put yourself through to reach 100% and is it worth it to you? IMO, our life should look like a bell curve where our highest achievements are around 40 or 50 years old. Our upper limit should be high enough that our achievement level is around 80%. This way we know we’ve accomplished quite a bit with our lives but we still haven’t tortured ourselves to get it.

    I need some graph paper.

  17. 17 tinapeacock November 10, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    That nagging voice inside your head is YOU, my friend. And you know best. I suggest you listen to it and make a plan.

    I’ve always had that voice talking to me, and I didn’t always pay attention. Pipe dreams? Sure, you can believe that if you want.

    But you are what you think. And if I think I can, than I will. What does the quote say, something like…”Whether you think you can, or think you can’t, either way you are right.”

    Keep on dreaming, then make it real. Your Mother was right, you CAN be anything you want.

    Be vigilant and faithful, all the best,
    Tina

  18. 18 unabridgedgirl November 10, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    I don’t think that is a silly way to feel or a pipe dream. I think we all feel this way in some degree – – maybe for different reasons about different things, but we all have a lot of potential.

    Anyway, if you make a difference through writing, good for you! I hope you see it happen. And it sounds like you’re working toward making it happen. I think that is the problem with a lot of people, that they’re unwilling to work.

    Best wishes.

  19. 19 Em November 10, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    Oh my dear. I think we are twins – or at least telepathic. I just came from a motivational seminar today with some of the best motivational speakers of our time. We laughed, we have revelations, I cried (just a little) and of course I was outraged on more than one occasion because of all the sllloow moving people, but that’s a different subject.

    I KNOW your desire, your longing, your relentless needing for the contribution. Mine is to form a non-profit designed to aid in the lives of young people. I know it’s coming but it will take a lot of work from me to get it rolling the way I want.

    But one thing I learned today is that just because you can’t open up a physical LOCATION with staff and case workers doesn’t mean you can’t start making a difference. That is something we all should remember.

  20. 20 morethananelectrician November 10, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    As silly as it sounds…I think that I am doing it right now. Not right this second…like commenting on your blog. But in general…this is where I am supposed to be…

  21. 21 alicewandersland November 10, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    I understand what you are saying all too well – that is part of why i blog and am finally daring to write and have others read it. i have “known” off and on for close to 30 years that i have a book inside as well, and there is something bigger out there – at times the voice stops gnawing at me but it returns and i will listen to it. All the best and go with the flow.

  22. 22 Shelli November 11, 2009 at 5:59 am

    Are you kidding me?! I feel that way every day! I even wrote a blog about it on May 1st of this year. Check out my “Previous Blogs” page , and click on the one that says “Introspective”. It’ll make you feel better about yourself, I promise! At least you think you know what you want to do. I’m clueless!

  23. 23 Violet November 11, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    I know exactly what you are talking about! I feel the exact same way. I know I am meant to be SOMEBODY. I know I am meant to change lives. Because all the BS I’ve gone through is not for nothing, I am sure. And I have been meaning to get a book started for a while now and I haven’t. What am I doing about it? I think about it every day. And I have set some dates aside to take off work and dig into my past by collecting court records so that the timeline in my book is accurate. A lot of shit happened so long ago, it seems like yesterday, but I know I have that evidence to fall back on.

  24. 24 submom November 12, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    Here is the thing: If I hate my job so much that I often wish I would get hit by a truck like that guy from Office Space, wouldn’t you say it’s time I do something about it? I have a PhD degree that I am not using. I have, had, a dream of becoming a great stage actress (which led to the pursuit of the said degree) for which I am not doing anything about. I dare not think about it too much. I am afraid if I think too much about it, really really think about it, I will run away from home. And start over. This is hard for a mother to confront… Let this be a lesson to all you young kids out there. Do not settle. It is NOT going to be just temporary. Is this what you really wanted to hear?

  25. 25 jruthkelly November 12, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    i like self-proclaimed stubborn assholes. i tend to be one at times. and this post is appropriate in that it lands on my birthday. (not today but then but ok, you get it) yeah…i feel the same way. every day and i have a book brewing and one languishing and it’s all quite maddening. i’m being a smart big girl and going to school so i can earn a living so i can wait ‘tiil i’m 55 to begin writing…? hell…i’m supposed to change the world, right?


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