pomegranates: the spawn of the devil. or a strawberry and a cantaloupe had an affair.

I’ve decided pomegranates were created to piss people off.

I spent an hour peeling TWO pomegranates yesterday. An HOUR.

AN HOUR.

I want to make sure that really sinks in: AN HOUR.

Why bother? Why not just leave the little bastards on the shelf in the grocery store? I mean, not only are they a pain the ass to peel, they also stain the shit out of EVERYTHING. The little section of wall behind the kitchen sink is now permanently decorated with pinkish splotches and I had to wear gloves for a week while out in public cause one look at my hands and everyone would think I had leprosy.

Well, it turns out that pomegranates have magical powers imbedded in their tough ass flesh that come in the form of tiny ruby colored beads that do things like shoot out little fairies to clean the house and fold the laundry and, oh, fight prostate cancer.

And that last one…damn I wish I would’ve never seen it in an article on our google news homepage (yes, we’re awesome like that and have NEWS on the homepage…not cartoons or videos or anything fun…). Because now, technically, I have to suffer through all the peeling and swearing or I’m pretty much just helping the cancer along all, “Here! This one! His wife didn’t feed him the pomegranate!”

You’re welcome, wives. Come, join me.

I even decided to do a little research, since we spend so much time together these days. I mean, the pomegranate knows plenty about me and how I feel…but I knew nothing about how they became so damn ornery.

It didn’t take long to figure out that they’ve always been a pain in the ass and everyone – even the Egyptians – developed their own I-hate-you-but-you’re-so-good-for-me-so-I’ll-continue-to-be-your-friend relationship. I mean, had God made a pomegranate tree instead of an apple one, Eve would’ve never strayed and we’d all still be happily running around naked in The Garden. Just sayin.

But now I totally understand why the Egyptians invented so many tools.

Like this one:

General

They were trying to create a pomegranate peeler. Because it also happens that the Egyptians found these magical fairies too…and the wealthy people were all, “Hell, if the fairies know how to carve stone, then bring on the little pixies!” I mean, who wants to spend half their life carving their family history into a hard ass rock when it could all be for shit if a tiger or something eats you? So they made the poor people go into the forest instead:

File:Maler der Grabkammer des Amenemhêt 003.jpg

(Personally, I think those look like pears, onions and a pail of cement, but whatever. It looks like they also thought to bring along a miniature caribou for protection…or a distraction… incase they ran into the tiger)

I told Tim I’d pay for someone to peel the pomegranates all, “It’s totally so you don’t get cancer. Think of it as life insurance.”

He said I could hire one as soon as I made a million dollars.

And don’t think for a second I didn’t add that to my list of Things to Do After I Win the Lottery or Become Obnoxiously Famous.

You have to be prepared for these things.

And nothing says prepared like a list.

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23 Responses to “pomegranates: the spawn of the devil. or a strawberry and a cantaloupe had an affair.”


  1. 1 Heather November 8, 2009 at 8:33 am

    Bugger that, just scoop them out or buy them pre-scooped! I didn’t even know you could peel pomegranates! Shows you what I know.

  2. 2 Spot November 8, 2009 at 10:24 am

    Isn’t that why they make pomegranate juice? So I don’t have to mess with the real thing? I’m pretty sure the egyptians invented it so it’s all good. And that’s a very good thing, because I’m way too busy writing a novel to save my hubby’s life right now. I guess you’re a better wife. See I can admit that. Especially since I can bake. =]

    ♥Spot

  3. 3 Bethany November 8, 2009 at 11:32 am

    Ha, I have been on a pomegranate kick lately. They really are a pain in the ass to get those stupid things out.

  4. 4 "Seattle" Heather November 8, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    Yeah I’m with Spot. I would just buy him the juice. And just tell him that if he doesn’t like it he can add some Vodka to it. Then you’re saving his postrate and killing his liver so take a pick.

  5. 5 fattiefatterton November 8, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    I just buy the seeds. Our Trader Joe’s sells them that way. Nummy!!

  6. 6 lifestartsnow November 8, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    you can just buy the seeds? not here! that’s why america is the land of the free. to peel or not to peel or sth like that. i buy the juice when i don’t feel like having red hands all week.

    franzi

  7. 7 Anne Dewvall November 8, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    I’m impressed. I have attempted to peel pomegranates twice. One pomegranate, two occasions. Each time it took me MORE THAN AN HOUR to peel ONE. You are very speedy! I am never peeling a pomegranate again – unless you can get ahold of one of those Egyptian tools and send it my way. That would be worth one more wasted hour.

  8. 8 backstripe November 8, 2009 at 7:12 pm

    It ain’t that hard…

    Try this (http://blog.streaminggourmet.com/?p=247), but do it in a big bowl, under water.

    No stain, no spray, the seeds sink, the pulp floats…

    Juicin’ them little babies is kink of a pain, tho….

  9. 9 Cyndi November 8, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    Cut it in quarters and suck the seeds out. Nom nom nom!

  10. 10 submom November 8, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    “had God made a pomegranate tree instead of an apple one, Eve would’ve never strayed and we’d all still be happily running around naked in The Garden” This is genius! You are a riot, and I love you for it. I just follow my rule: if you can’t SPELL the food, don’t eat the food. 😉

  11. 11 Stone Fox November 8, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    why didn’t you just cut it in half and spoon out the guts?

  12. 12 AmyAnne November 9, 2009 at 1:16 am

    Do what backstripe does. That’s the only way.

    We recently discovered that the little tree/bush thingy in the backyard that we wanted to pull out but were too lazy to ever get around to it is in fact a pomegranate tree. Imagine that. Also, there’s a huge tree in back of the local 7-11 that the husband stalks and raids every year. He likes them that much. I hate the effers.

  13. 13 DebbieQ November 9, 2009 at 7:27 am

    backstripe has it correct. I just cut the thing in half, throw it in a bowl of water and work the seeds out. Takes about 5 minutes of time and voila!

  14. 14 Mindy@thesuburbanlife November 9, 2009 at 10:28 am

    Wow. I really feel like I’ve learned something today. And now I have a whole new reason to feel guilty for not feeding my family more fruits and vegetables. Thanks a lot Jessica.
    Mindy
    http://www.thesuburbanlife.com

  15. 15 maureenlynn November 9, 2009 at 10:53 am

    Hmmm… Interesting. I just bought two pomegranates yesterday, because they were on sale or something. I didn’t know they were supposed to be peeled, though. I figured I’d just chop those little bastards in half and pick the seeds out.

  16. 16 Kid Icarus November 9, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    I do hate those things. They’re twice as bad as trying to peel a Kiwi without getting those damn hairs everywhere.

  17. 17 Mrs Soup November 9, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    I have now learned so much!

    *takes tons of notes*

  18. 18 Stephanie November 9, 2009 at 7:11 pm

    The only time I’ve had a pomegranate was freshman year of high school. My English teacher brought one in for us to taste because we were reading a book about ancient Greek gods and apparently, it’s their food or something? Well, she forgot a knife and found a plastic one. You can imagine how well that went.

  19. 19 submom November 9, 2009 at 10:50 pm

    Sorry for double commenting (I hope it is not frowned upon like double dipping…) I came back to let you know that they actually sell Dark Chocolate Pomegranate. That has got to be better for you, no? Just thought you may want to know…

  20. 20 habanerogal November 10, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    Has the ansWer to all of your pom problems it is like the blog world is listening to you after all http://www.wikihow.com/Seed-a-Pomegranate TA DA no thanks necessary

  21. 21 merrilymarylee November 10, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    Cut that sucker in half as Stone Fox suggested.

    Have you tried the frozen pomegranate bonbons in the ice cream section at the supermarket? I need a recommendation from someone who’s tried them before I apply them to my thighs.

  22. 22 Brianna November 11, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    I swear to you I’m not trying to plug my blog. I just think it is hilarious I wrote a similar post the end of oct: http://realmountainvalues.com/2009/10/how-to-peel-or-eat-a-pomegrante/

    So imagine trying to peel the damn things while having hormonal cravings….

    Also the crap about how easy it is underwater… I’ve never gotten that shit to work. Perhaps they have better directions. Obviously the Egyptians figured it out 🙂

  23. 23 Maura November 12, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    backstripe above has the best advice — that’s how I did my one and only pomegranate! It didn’t take me quite an hour (maybe 45 minutes?) but that was too much time for me. Next time, I’m buying the seeds pre-packaged!

    Thanks for stopping by my place; I look forward to reading more here. 🙂


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