dear patience: i hate you

I never paint my nails in the house.

It’s not because I don’t want to. It’s just…

I’m not allowed to anymore because the last time I got nail polish on the bed…and on Tim’s shirt my shirt (his t-shirts…THE BEST. And I steal them)…on the counter…on the bathtub.  Hell if I know how any of that happened…same as I said to Tim when he was all, “THE HELL, WOMAN? Why is there a pink heart-shaped splotch on my sink?!”

I refuse to cut paper if a straight line is required.

I don’t like to wait for anything to pre-heat. I just throw it in there all, “it’ll cook eventually.”

Same goes with things “cooling off.”

Which results in disasters like this:

cake disaster 2

And “this” was a lemon cake that was supposed to probably be like…three inches higher and all in one piece. The top layer isn’t even attached in some places. 

My first mistake was tinkering with the recipe. TWO eggs? We don’t need all that extra cholesterol, hell, let’s try one egg plus lots of applesauce. Oil? Nah. More applesauce. Then, while it was busy doing its baking thing, I opened the oven around 50 times to check its progress and poked it about 300 times with a toothpick.  Once I decided it was done baking…

Let me stop right there…and answer the question I’m sure you’ll ask yourself: Why didn’t she use a timer? Yah…well, we do actually have one. I’m just not allowed to use that, either. Last time I tried to time something on the oven timer thingy, I managed to explode the circuit for the entire left side of the house. Ok, so maybe it didn’t explode exactly, but I had to sit in the dark with no TV or internet until Tim came home.  And the whole “look at the clock when you put it in the oven” is lost to me. I mean, sure, I’ll look.

But will I remember?

No. I won’t.

I’ll forget I was even cooking until Tim races into the kitchen and is all, “Why in the hell is there smoke coming from the oven?”  True story.

So, anyway, back to my cake: When I took it out of the oven, I carried it immediately to the counter and flipped the bundt pan thing right over onto a wire rack. I then proceeded to beat the bottom of the pan with oven mits, hoping that would help it come out all nice and pretty, like on the box.

It didn’t.

I was pissed all, “THE HELL, CAKE? You’re supposed to COME OUT IN ONE PIECE AND STAY TOGETHER.”

Then I read the directions: “Allow to cool at least 15 minutes”

Well, fuckitty fuck fuck.

Someone needs to invent directions for us non-patient people.

Something like: “Allow to cool at least 15 minutes before even considering flipping the pan over, dumbass. Did you hear me? I said FIFTEEN MINUTES, DUMBASS.”

Then, I might actually pay attention.

Instead, I get distracted admiring the pretty picture on the front of the box all, “It’s going to look like THAT? Really? Even though I don’t have chocolate shavings or a unicorn shaped pan? Awesome.”

Anyway, lemon rock cake is what I should have called it. Last night, after Tim took a bite of my failed attempt at dessert, I was all, “So, what do you think? You like it, right?”

He looked at me, bewildered, “What flavor is this, again?

Me: Vanilla. Well, vanilla and lemon….actually, it’s vanilla, lemon and apple.

Tim: That…tastes about right.

Me: So, you like it, right?

Tim: mmmmm…so…good…and…dense”

Me: I thought you liked dense cake?

Tim: “Yah….sure do…”

He really shouldn’t try to pull one over on me. I can see through the bullshit like I can a damn glass window.

(Actually, come to think of it, aren’t all windows are made of glass…or that clear plastic stuff like on airplanes?…an example on why proof-reading is kind of important)

Back to the rock cake: Tim’s eyes were screaming all, “This. Is. Revolting. I’m totally going to regurgitate the contents of my stomach after you fall asleep.”

Don’t think I didn’t hear the toilet in the guest bathroom flush about fifty times in succession.

Oh, and remember this one? cake disaster 2

Why do I continue to torture myself?

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31 Responses to “dear patience: i hate you”


  1. 1 Anne Dewvall November 7, 2009 at 9:13 am

    teehee. I am truly sorry to hear about your baking misadventures. However, I implore you to see the bright side. I have had my fair share of mishaps, but I bake a lot. I have since I was a child. And I am damn good. So good, I cannot resist my own creations. Even when I bake for others, the result is so delicious I end up having at least a little. Hence why I participated in Bufftober. And now, Super-Skinny-Vember. And why my ass and I are in a perpetual battle over what size it is really supposed to be.

    My ass: Bigger!
    Me: Smaller!
    My ass: No! But-Cake! Over there! Chocolaaaate.
    Me: No!!!
    My ass: Mmmm….

    • 2 Jessica November 7, 2009 at 11:50 am

      Anne: So, you’re telling me you’ve figured out how to beat your ass, and will then become one of those skinny bitches by December 1? Awesome. I mean, I don’t think you’re a bitch…everyone likes to hate on skinny people for some reason, though…

      Heather: Yes, and science = math. Hence the problem.

      middle-aged woman: Where can I find one? I’m all over that. It’d be like having a Dobby…just…I won’t give him a sock. That’s all I’m sayin.

      Shannon: I’m afraid of the angel food cake…the part about making sure your eggs peak was enough for me to say, “hell no.”

      jodiq: If that ever happens…well, that’ll probably also be the day the world explodes…

      QwertyGirl: I have to say, love the name. So simple…yet so unique…and all in a row…

      shutterboo: At least you were creative. Did you have frosting? Frosting fixes all human error …unless you forget the whole “cooling” part…or really suck at frosting…

      Spot: I think you’re right. me + baking = inevitable fail. Hopefully me + novel = success…

      LB: Yes, I’m in that category too…though I think I’m partially in denial.

      Amy: The EASY BAKE! I had one of those…lasted for like…one round of experimenting. Overfilling the little pans = bad idea…

  2. 3 Heather November 7, 2009 at 9:16 am

    OMG Jessica. You really shouldn’t go anywhere near an oven! Lol. You do know baking is a science, right? That was hilarious, brightened up my afternoon!

    Sorry I haven’t stopped by lately. Been up to my eyes in projects, which thankfully are all handed in and course have all been passed! So, I’ve been trying to spend the last 4 days going through blog posts of friends and commenting. Today, I’m getting to yours! Thank you for cheering me up!

  3. 4 middle-aged-woman November 7, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Two eggs = three egg whites. Eggs, even just the whites, make fluffiness. And I always replace oil with the same amount of applesauce. I think you need a house elf.

  4. 5 Shannon November 7, 2009 at 9:44 am

    You aren’t the only one. I am such a ruiner ( I don’t think that is a word) of cakes and other baking items. I have zero patience with preheating and I really hate the directions where you cook somethign at 425 for 15 minutes and then change it to 350 for 45 min then it may or may not be done. What the hell? I just throw the pumpkin pie in and hope for the best. Angel food cake may be the worst. It is so finicky.

  5. 6 jodiq November 7, 2009 at 10:05 am

    hey, maybe you need a virtue workout…patience is a virtue and virtue requires hard labor, sweat and self control. Maybe muscling up cake boxes and taking in the wisdom of Betty Crocker cake testers will exercise your brain into creating a synaptic pathway for this totally un-American virtue.

    If you actually venture into this and break into a patient peaceful place, please let me know how it goes…you go first…I don’t want to risk it…

  6. 7 QwertyGirl November 7, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Your blog never fails to put me in a slightly better mood.

  7. 8 shutterboo November 7, 2009 at 11:05 am

    Baking is a bitch. Last night I made a cake and let it completely cool. Once I turned over my round pans, it didn’t want to come out. Both middles stuck to the pan. I know I greased those things. So I cut the tops of and stuffed them under the bottoms.
    I am, however, not as confident as you to replace ingredients. If I ain’t got it, we ain’t got cake.

  8. 9 Spot November 7, 2009 at 11:20 am

    Wow. Writing a novel and baking? That’s too much at one time. Maybe you should stick to what you are good at. Which has got to be the novel writing because, well, look at that cake. =]

    Funny post. Your failures make me laugh. With you, not at you, of course. Thanks for the giggles.
    ♥Spot

  9. 10 LB @Wait, She Said What? November 7, 2009 at 11:24 am

    This is exactly why I’m banned from cooking/baking. I was not meant to do it. Ever.

  10. 11 Amy November 7, 2009 at 11:37 am

    I haven’t tried to bake since I had one disaster after another with my easy bake overn when I was nine. I kept trying over and over to get it right and finally, after the fifth flop, I realized that in mid-recipe the page was turning on me!!

    It was the Universe, either telling me not to become a baker or just fucking with me.

  11. 12 Linnnn November 7, 2009 at 11:53 am

    Chef Scott at BakerMadness may be able to help you out with his webazine on cooking:

    http://bakermadness.com/

    The oven for me is a place to dry out wet sneakers or provide warmth on a cold morning. On the occasional day of sheer insanity when I think I can bake, the oven becomes the yawning mouth of hell. Every tick of the timer amplifies like Poe’s tell-tale heart until the immensely cathartic “ding!” And, like you, the 15 minute dumbass thing goes unheard and I dump the frickin’ thing in chunks. The hoover-hounds stand in gleeful anticipation and catch escaping cake shreds in mid-air. Muzzle to eye coordination is superb. Trick is to be creative then. Cover it in sugar glaze and announce: “I call this Linnnn’s Lemon Chunk Cake! Eat it and shut up!”

    • 13 Jessica November 8, 2009 at 7:08 am

      ***I am trying to get better at responding to you…because lately I’ve sucked…I think it’s like people leaving messages on my phone…eventually I’ll get back to them but I forget or I get distracted or…HEY! It’s a monkey!**

      Linnnn: The sugar glaze didn’t even help…well, what I THOUGHT was glaze…it just kind of seeped into the cake and then vanished…That baker dude…WOW. Where do you find these people?….I love him. I’m showing Tim…he needs to come to our house…and I looked for contact information for like, 5 minutes but couldn’t find anything…(5 minutes is my max, you see. If something cannot be found that quickly, I’ve decided it is lost or doesn’t exist)

      Breeza: Exactly.

      centria: Are you my buddy on nanowrimo? NO?!? Well, if you were really cool and you were my buddy…you’d see I was up to 12,308 words…and counting. 😉

      Mark: Well, you should have “divined” the fact that I baked on Friday and sent me an urgent email all, “DO NOT THROW AWAY.” I totally would’ve shipped you the other half.

      Leese: Are you serious?! I worked with lots of those for awhile…in my old job (another story….for another day). I always asked who did the cooking and what their favorite meal was. The response was usually like McDonalds – for both.

      Stephanie: Thanks for coming back, well, returning the favor! Hopefully you’ll join our maddness.

      Kathy: I need a 1 step program. Like my bran muffins. I don’t follow the directions AND I change the ingredients. It goes something like: Dump everything in to a bowl. Stir. Pour into muffin thingy. Bake. They never come out the same way…but they always taste the same. You can’t go wrong with bran.

      franzi: I love that you give me German references. My mom…1/2 German…speaks German…says things to me in German and I look at her like !#!@! Did you just tell me I stink or that the house is on fire?

      Stone Fox: That’s what the husband did. It actually tasted pretty good…just, the presentation was all wrong.

      fattiefatterton: We strive to be ahead of the word combination curve, here….

    • 14 Jessica November 8, 2009 at 7:09 am

      ***I am trying to get better at responding to you…because lately I’ve sucked…I think it’s like people leaving messages on my phone…eventually I’ll get back to them but I forget or I get distracted or…HEY! It’s a monkey!**

      Linnnn: The sugar glaze didn’t even help…well, what I THOUGHT was glaze…it just kind of seeped into the cake and then vanished…That baker dude…WOW. Where do you find these people?….I love him. I’m showing Tim…he needs to come to our house…and I looked for contact information for like, 5 minutes but couldn’t find anything…(5 minutes is my max, you see. If something cannot be found that quickly, I’ve decided it is lost or doesn’t exist)

      Breeza: Exactly.

      centria: Are you my buddy on nanowrimo? NO?!? Well, if you were really cool and you were my buddy…you’d see I was up to 12,308 words…and counting. 😉

      Mark: Well, you should have “divined” the fact that I baked on Friday and sent me an urgent email all, “DO NOT THROW AWAY.” I totally would’ve shipped you the other half.

      Leese: Are you serious?! I worked with lots of those for awhile…in my old job (another story….for another day). I always asked who did the cooking and what their favorite meal was. The response was usually like McDonalds – for both.

      Stephanie: Thanks for coming back, well, returning the favor! Hopefully you’ll join our maddness.

      Kathy: I need a 1 step program. Like my bran muffins. I don’t follow the directions AND I change the ingredients. It goes something like: Dump everything in to a bowl. Stir. Pour into muffin thingy. Bake. They never come out the same way…but they always taste the same. You can’t go wrong with bran.

      franzi: I love that you give me German references. My mom…1/2 German…speaks German…says things to me in German and I look at her like !#!@! Did you just tell me I stink or that the house is on fire?

      Stone Fox: That’s what the husband did. It actually tasted pretty good…just, the presentation was all wrong.

      fattiefatterton: We strive to be ahead of the word combination curve, here….

  12. 15 Anne Dewvall November 7, 2009 at 12:05 pm

    Hmm… will my ass be smaller by Dec 1… probably not. Especially not if I keep seeing all these amazing recipes around the internet. (Pumpkin Cinnamon Rolls??! Yes, please!) My ass and the delicious baked goods that issue forth from my oven have a horrible magnetic attachment.

    Maybe I’ll get lucky and get skinny anyway. That’s a thing, right?

    P.S. I would have tried your cake. It does not look that scary : D

  13. 17 Heather November 7, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    Hahaha, yeah I forgot you and maths don’t get along! Explains everything perfectly lol.

  14. 18 Anne Dewvall November 7, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    I don’t know if I should show you this, because you are obviously a danger in the kitchen, but my ass is giving me specific directions to do so against my better judgment:

    http://blog.kingarthurflour.com/2009/10/01/beyond-pie-pumpkin-cinnamon-rolls/

  15. 19 Breeza November 7, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    I’m the same way when it comes to thawing/defrosting and not letting things cool. I want my cookies/cake/rice krispies/etc NOW. Not 10 minutes from now. Jeez!

  16. 20 mark price November 7, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Jessica, I would totally eat that cake.

  17. 21 Leese November 7, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Ok.. so I’m like, through the moon that there’s ANOTHER person out there who had absolutely NO patience for cooking.. except NOW the culinary gods have pulled a fast one and deemed me the primary cook in the house…

    Do you know what pressure that is when your husband is this award winning obnoxiously talented uber-chef?

    If fucking sucks..

    Worse when I “have” to bake a cake. Cause.. yknow.. uber-chef just HAD to run a bakery for a gazillion years and won all kinds of awards for his stupid berry-dream cake and cremesickle cake and freakin’ cinnamon buns.

    And of COURSE.. uber-chef HAS to have a home made cake for his birthday because you know.. where’s the love?, right?

    So I came up with THE greatest .. easiest .. way to make a cake:

    Buy one at the super market.. buy a can of white frosting.. mix some food coloring in it .. take the cake and just mutilate it in places and then “re”frost it with home colored concoction …

    It looks home-made.. you’ll get the brownie points and the “awww.. I so love you for trying” .. and it still tastes good!

    Now.. if there’s only a way to do that with pork chops!!

  18. 22 Stephanie November 7, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    So funny, and so totally the way I cook, too. You’re not alone! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by my blog today. I appreciate it!

  19. 23 Kathy November 7, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Following directions is way overrated. My husband insists on following them, particularly how long something needs to be in the oven. I didn’t think I’d run into another person who wants to put food in there before it even gets to 100 degrees. I’m with you. Wouldn’t it get done faster that way?

    Is there some kind of 12 step program for us? Oh, wait. That would take forever. How ’bout a 6-step one?

  20. 24 lifestartsnow November 7, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    i’d totally eat that cake. my mom always made cakes like that. she called them “unglueckskuchen” (bad luck cake). there was more bad luck than good luck when she was baking. but anyways, that taught me that food is food. yes, it’s nicer when it’s all perfectly looking but it tastes the same, be it in one piece or not (plus you have to cut it up anyways to eat it).

    oh, and she tried that powdered sugar trick also… 😉

    franzi

  21. 25 Stone Fox November 7, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    that second cake with the chocolate icing actually looks pretty good. i would eat it. probably all of it, by myself, in the dark, watching trash tv.

  22. 26 fattiefatterton November 8, 2009 at 12:21 am

    I don’t think I’ve ever heard (or seen) the words “good” and “dense” in the same sentence before.

  23. 27 Erin November 8, 2009 at 7:01 am

    I’m just impressed that you own a bundt pan and a wire rack! That is one impressive kitchen collection you must have.

  24. 28 lifestartsnow November 8, 2009 at 9:28 am

    oh, i can give you more german words! could it be that your mom did indeed say that your house is on fire (given those cooking/baking skills)? 😉

    franzi

  25. 29 bevchen November 8, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    The temperature sensor thingy on my oven is broken so I don’t even know how hot it is. Plus I have to use German equivalents of whatever my English recipes ask for. Any time something I’m baking goes wrong I blame it on those two things.

    The second cake looks really good to me. Is that bad?

    Oh, and I’ve been craving cake all day but I don’t have any (or trhe ingredients to make one) and all the shops are shut because Germans are annoying and refuse to sell things on a Sunday. I now want cake even more (which I didn’t think was possible) and it’s all YOUR fault!

  26. 30 wittybitch November 8, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    OMG we live in the same world! I swear to god everytime I paint my nails they end up looking like I got a manicure from a 2nd grade art class. I never have the patience to wait for them to dry. Come to think of it, I don’t have patience for damn near anything…

  27. 31 Stephanie November 9, 2009 at 7:06 pm

    My desserts usually come out ugly. Sometimes they taste alright. The most important thing to remember about baking is that it is completely different than cooking. Throw whatever you want into a meal or omit ingredients, it won’t usually cause the recipe to flop. Baking is more like chemistry. Ingredients and exact amounts are crazy important. Also, you need to be God or Martha Stewart for things to come out pretty, so don’t feel bad.


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