you women make everything so damn complicated (the voices told me to say that you’re on notice)

I love you.

All you award givers.

I just keep hearing my 5 year old voice screeching in my head all, “Really? REALLY? Nooo. Shut up! REALLY?”

I was given this:

by Spot at What Passes for Sane on a Crazy Day

AND this from Wendi at Bon Appetit Hon:

MAJOR AWARD

I don’t know about you, but nothing says fucking awesome like a leg lamp award.

So, here are the “Rules – Verbatim” for me being somehow over the top…I have yet to exactly figure out how I managed that…but I digress. And I’m not yelling at you. It’s the chick who wrote the rules. She was hell-bent on everyone using only ONE WORD. Guess I’m really going to fuck with her brain…hopefully she never reads this or else her head *might* explode.

USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.

And, of course, the “Rules – How I Fuck It All Up”

I will use as many words as is required. Because I can. Personally, I think it’s harder to string together multiple words and still make it all nice and flowy. One word is a total cop-out. And I’m an anal-retentive perfectionist. There is no other option but to “do my best.” I don’t need your verbal garbage to motivate me. It comes from INSIDE, chica. INSIDE!

After I read the “questions,” I’ve decided to give Tim the honor of answering…first because well, without Tim this blog would be really shitty and second, the last time I answered one-word, nebulous questions, I ended up all freaked out and had to sleep with a nite-lite for weeks, totally paranoid that someone was on a roof with a scope…waiting for me to do all sorts of inappropriate things so they’d have blackmail material. My commentary will be in between these things: ( ) – because I can’t NOT say something. And incase you missed it, that was a double negative, which means I have no choice BUT to add my own opinion.

And just so you are aware at how mentally damaged I am – I still peer outside every damn day, checking for crazies. I’m not convinced that the little blob two houses down is a chimney.

1. Where is your cell phone? Which one? I have lots of phones. Cause I’m kind of awesome. (He’s just bragging…well, not really. He has a million phones. I hate all of them…except the one he calls me on)
2. Your hair? Is not with any of my phones. These questions are already in a completely illogical order. A woman definitely wrote these. (You’re being unfair. Hair after phones makes perfect sense because you have to hold the phone next to your hair)
3. Your mother? What about her? (They want to know….hell, I don’t know what they want to know)
4. Your father? Pretty sure he’s with # 3 (You probably should define “with”…you left it way too open to interpretation)
5. Your favorite food? (he’s busy pilfering through the kitchen…I’ll let you know when he figures it out)
6. Your dream last night? I forgot (That isn’t what you told me this morning…and the Question People expect complete honesty, you know…or they’ll rob us…so if we come home and all the electronics are missing – it’s totally your fault)
7. Your favorite drink? (he refuses to answer because he thinks water is stupid. I tried to tell him that water is actually an excellent answer, since we’d totally croak without it…)
8. Your dream/goal? To not answer stupid questions from a 5th grade chain letter (I think they mean like, long-term…) That WAS my long-term goal…which has now just gone to shit.
9. What room are you in? The one my wife forced me to sit in. (I didn’t FORCE you. You came willingly. Don’t give anyone the wrong idea) I came willingly because you said you had something “cool” to show me. You lied.
10. Your hobby? I got married. I don’t have hobbies anymore (You should’ve said running. Running would have been a good answer) Running is YOUR hobby that I got dragged into.
11. Your fear? My wife will blow up the house (Come on! I only left the stove on without a flame three times…and two of the three I opened ALL the windows and everything…and I called you) And you kept turning lights on and off (That was bad?)
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Not Georgia (Totally second that. Anyone want to put us up for like, forever? We’re completely harmless…unless you steal something. Oh, and Tim knows how to make rockin’ chocolate chip cookies – totally worth about a year of room and board)
13. Where were you last night? Upstairs. Cleaning a streak of shit off the carpet. (It’s not the cat’s fault the turd got stuck to her ass. You really should be more understanding). Not when there’s a five foot long skid mark on MY DAMN CARPET.
14. Something that you aren’t? A woman. THANK GOD. You people (we’re women) …fine, you WOMEN make everything so damn complicated. How do you keep all the voices separate in your head? HOLY HELL (Those “voices” are what tells us not to smother you with a pillow. So technically, you should be thanking them because they actually just saved your life)
15. Muffins? The hell? WHERE IS THE FUCKING LOGIC? (It’s totally logical. A muffin is obviously something you aren’t)
16. Wish list item? A hammer. (But…you already have one of those). And a big, blank wall. (Ummm…why?) If you cannot surmise why I need those items…well, you can start answering the dumbass questions and then maybe it’ll all become a little more clear (If I answer any more one-word “questions,” I might end up in a padded cell with a straitjacket, convinced that Ecuador is spying on me) The hell?
17. Where did you grow up? Far away from these questions (The voices told me to tell you that they don’t like your tone) I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT THE “VOICES” SAY (they said for me to tell you they didn’t appreciate that, either)
18. Last thing you did? I can’t remember. The questions have taken over my LIFE. (Your LIFE could commence if you’d stop fighting the questions. USE THE FUCKING FORCE!) Don’t get all Star Wars bullshit on me unless you come to posses a light saber. And if that ever happens, hand it over. Immediately (but, it would be MY light saber) That you would somehow manage to blow up the house with. It’s for your own safety, really.
19. What are you wearing? FUCK YOU (wow…anger management…) Not YOU. The questions (but…the questions didn’t do…anything?)
20. Your TV? I would much prefer to be with my TV. My TV doesn’t ask me questions. (But the TV makes you a zombie…and zombie’s aren’t very lovable. I mean, just sayin)
21. Your pets? Also all women. I’m fucked. (The voices just saved you. Again.)

(He’s decided his favorite food is crack. He says it’s because it lessens the effect of the questions…whatever the hell that means. I fly the drug free flag)

(Tim just threatened my life because I surmised he did drugs. He’s under the I-don’t-shoot-up flag, too…when he’s not answering questions)

(HE’S ALWAYS BEEN UNDER THE FUCKING FLAG.)

(I didn’t type that last one. I would never yell like that)


22. Friends? Are laughing at me. (Why? What’s funny? Was I left out of an inside joke? That’s not very nice…leaving your wife out like that)
23. Your life? Will be much improved once this is done…damn. DEFINITELY COMPOSED BY A WOMAN…always asking irrelevant, long-winded, pointless questions (I think that’s total bullshit. I’m getting an excellent education) That’s because you’re a WOMAN. A guy wouldn’t give two shits about this (Why two shits? Why not four? Four sounds way more believable than two) I’m not even going to let you drag me down that path.
24. Your mood? Like my life, will be vastly improved after question number….. THIRTY FIVE QUESTIONS?! YOU SAID THERE WERE ONLY A “FEW” DAMMIT! (That’s not a few? I mean, I would agree with you if there were like, 100 questions…or even 50 questions…but 35? That’s shorter than that stupid IQ test on the iPhone)
25. Missing someone? Myself. I think I got lost between deciding if I was a muffin or if I had any friends (I thought we already went over that. The answer is seven) THE HELL?
26. Vehicle? Oh, you mean my getaway car? Yes. Thanks for reminding me. It’s the first shred of sense you’ve made all damn day (You know, technically, it’s MY CAR) Possession is 9/10 of the law.
27. Something you’re not wearing? The man pants. The questions stole them from me. (No…I think you just took them off…said it was too hot in here…or something). The man pants are not REAL PANTS…dammit, woman. Stop distracting me.
28. Your favorite store? The one with a light saber. (Oh…so now you LIKE the light saber)
29. Your favorite color? Green. The red light saber is evil (Who’s going all Star Wars bullshit now?) I’m allowed to. I’ve actually SEEN ALL THE MOVIES.
30. When was the last time you laughed? You mean that diabolical one…just now? (Don’t do that again. Ever. It sounds like you’re planning to rob a bank or hijack an ice cream truck or steal some little kids shoes). Maybe I am.
31. Last time you cried? Men don’t cry. (Why? I mean, I don’t think I’ve EVER seen you cry. EVER. Except that one time you got cayenne pepper in your eye…that was kind of a shitty move by the blender)
32. Your best friend? My wife (The voices told me to say that they forgive you)
33. One place that I go to over and over? (see Question # 35. That’s all I’m allowed to say)
34. One person who emails me regularly? Lots of people email me. I’m kinda awesome. Remember? We went over that in question # 1 (Then…how come all I ever see in the inbox is my name?…I don’t think junk mail counts, you know, cause they send you like 10 emails every minute…I think they meant like, *real* emails)
35. Favorite place to eat? Fucking finally. (Umm…that’s not the name of a restaurant) I’m leaving. I have a date. (Really?! We’re going on a date?!) With my sanity. (You forgot to answer Question 33). I didn’t forget anything. And don’t even THINK about adding some random bullshit for me.

(Bon Appetit Hon /Wendi…I will move forward with your “rules” in another post)

(Tim was way too long-ass winded)

(I guess I can stop typing in these parenthesis now)

(I think I’ve given myself a complex)

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11 Responses to “you women make everything so damn complicated (the voices told me to say that you’re on notice)”


  1. 1 maureenlynn October 31, 2009 at 8:20 am

    Haha. This is hilarious! Best post ev-ar!

  2. 2 esdowd October 31, 2009 at 10:00 am

    You’re right, Tim (sorry booshy, I’m addressing this to your husband), a guy wouldn’t give two shits about those questions, UNLESS it’s reading answers from another guy who has been forced (coerced?) to cooperate by his wife.

    Seeing you suffer makes it funny. And it makes me glad that I’m not you. Thanks for brightening up my morning.

    • 3 Jessica November 1, 2009 at 9:05 am

      esdowd: Tim says you’re welcome…though you owe him one.

      Spot: You should definitely feel…special. Cause it is a rare few who actually *get* me…makes me happy to know I’m not alone in my little world…

      Angelia: (the voices are only your friends when Jessica is happy. And content. 🙂 )

      Belle: No…but if we ever ARE in Houston…you’ll be the first person I call.

      Cindy Lou: I think as long as the mouse doesn’t go into a diabetic coma from stuffing the crumbs down her throat…she’d be good.

      vodkamom: cat shit is never funny…if you’re the one cleaning it up. 🙂 (thanks for stopping by!)

      Mark P: No…sadly we had this stupid ass rule…I had to be 16 before I could have a phone (THE HELL, mom?)

  3. 4 Spot October 31, 2009 at 11:12 am

    Um wow. Tim has issues. Just when I thought he was the sane one in your house. Go figure…

    Your posts make me giggle. You know loudly, where the men in my life come in and go “what are you giggling about?” and then I read them your post and they don’t get it and I’m all feeling superior because I do get you. Thus proving that women are totally superior. Take that Tim. How’s that for logic??!

    ♥Spot

  4. 5 Angelia October 31, 2009 at 11:28 am

    Haaaaaaaaaa! Poor Tim. (the voices are your friends)

  5. 6 Belle October 31, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Do you guys want to live in Houston? I have an extra bedroom that I will prostitute myself for in exchange for cookies.

  6. 7 Cindy Lou October 31, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    Oh I wish I could be a little, teeny mouse in your house for just a few days….can mice die of laughter? Probably as they’re so small, but this mouse could be saved by being thrown crumbs of kick-ass chocolate chip cookies that Tim made. Cracked me up…. thanx for the laughs, guys!

  7. 8 vodkamom October 31, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    all I can picture is you cleaning up cat shit.

    It’s making me laugh.

  8. 9 mark price October 31, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Gold star Tim. Funny post Jessica and you totally did not have a cell phone in 5th grade…did you? LOL

  9. 10 submom November 3, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    Hilarious! This one is by far the funniest. Your husband is just as funny (but don’t tell him that…) Good thing he doesn’t have a blog cause you may have some serious competition. 😉 congrats on the awards. You do deserve them!

  10. 11 Heather November 7, 2009 at 9:44 am

    Hahaha too funny. I’m afraid I have to side with Tim on this one. I always answer these question in the same way he has. It must be a total riot in your house!


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