if it’s swine flu…i’ll shit myself.

Update # 2: update #1 is at the end…which makes no sense unless you’re taking lots of Benadryl. And if you are, then you’ll understand how that move was totally badass. You’ll also forgive me and give me a hug because I forgot what my update was supposed to be. Because of the Benadryl.

Update #3: Tim just told me I wasn’t supposed to take Benadryl for the flu. I tried to explain that it was the logical choice, since it made me feel better the LAST time. Then he said the flu doesn’t make me swell up like a bee sting, which is when Benadryl is necessary.

Update #4: I asked him how much was too much all, “hooow much is tooo much?” while holding the phone horizontally with two hands so the speaker part was right up to my mouth. And he started freaking out all, DON’T GO TO SLEEP. Even though that’s exactly what I was planning to do…you don’t question sleep…or bags of money.

Update #5: Before crazy rumors start spreading, I don’t technically *have* swine flu. Yet.

Update #6: I still don’t remember my initial update…so this is not really an update but more of a lesson on why you should never mix medications.

I *almost* decided not to write anything today.

Because I feel like shitballs.

I don’t even know what shitballs are supposed to feel like…but I’m positive that is exactly how I’m feeling.

I’ve been bragging all, “I’ve never gotten the flu. EVER. Because my immune system is fucking awesome.

Wouldn’t that just be ironic…my first experience with the flu includes a damn swine. I don’t even EAT bacon or sausage…so take your nasty disease and leave me the hell alone. You know, it’s probably my own fault. Not only did I go to the germ-infested gym yesterday…but I also went to the grocery store where anything I touched had probably been sneezed on, coughed on, touched, tested and used as an ass wipe. AND I locked lips with the husband. Normally, that wouldn’t be anything note-worthy. However, the husband has been entertaining a group of Brits at work for the past few days…and apparently swine flu is all the rage over there.


Tim was all, If it’s the flu, no, if it’s the SWINE FLU…you don’t mess with that shit.

So, if it’s regular flu…well, too damn bad. That’s no emergency. That’s just inconvenient.

I offered to quarantine myself, all “Just shove a few graham crackers under the door every 3 hours and leave a bottle of ginger ale by the bed.”

He didn’t think it was very funny.

Ooook…I’ve totally reached my limit…and this will go down as the shortest post in the history of booshy.

I think.

Hell if I know…but my brain keeps yelling all, LAY YOUR ASS DOWN OR I’M GOING TO FUCKING REVOLT.

And I have to listen to my brain…especially when it yells at me like that.

Really not very nice, all, FUCK YOU, ASS NUGGET…when I feel like shitballs…


All right…I’m going. Damn.


I totally just tricked my brain to think I was going to pee…cause I stole my iPhone off the coffee table and walked into the bathroom…because I wanted to say that if you have swine flu: I totally sympathize. And I’m going to convince my immune system that I’m not sick. It’s genius.



I’m really regretting not decorating the bedroom. Boring ass walls…


25 Responses to “if it’s swine flu…i’ll shit myself.”

  1. 1 Andrew October 29, 2009 at 10:38 am

    On the plus side: if it’s swine flu, you’re not a zombie.

  2. 2 Susan Mercedes October 29, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Feel better soon. And I loved your last comment about your bedroom walls. Fucking funny.

  3. 3 mark price October 29, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Jessica, Sorry you are sick. If you begin taking a bunch of mind altering flu meds please post a lot. I love it when people post while thier out of their minds. Makes me laugh. Feel better soon,and tell Tim to quit hangin out with those Brits.

  4. 4 LB @Wait, She Said What? October 29, 2009 at 11:14 am

    I was sick last week with this weird flu/cold hybrid thing and I actually had a similar reaction to your, “If it’s swine flu.. I’ll shit myself.” I think my was more like, “If it’s swine flu.. I’ll flip the fuck out!” Basically the same thing as you said.

    I hope you don’t have swine flu and I hope you’re better soon. Oh and your last comment about your bedroom walls being boring makes me happy that was the first room we did so if I catch the swine plague at least I’ll be stuck in a pretty room. Gotta look at the bright side.

  5. 5 Anne Dewvall October 29, 2009 at 11:17 am

    aww, suck-fest! Hope you feel better in the near future. I would say soon, but you should take your time recovering : ). Maybe this can be the perfect opportunity to guilt your husband into hanging pretty pictures on the walls for you.

  6. 6 Stephanie October 29, 2009 at 11:36 am

    Sorry you’re feeling so bad. That’s kind of awesome how you tricked yourself. Good luck with tricking your immune system. I wish you luck.

  7. 7 Breeza October 29, 2009 at 11:55 am

    I hope you feel better! That sucks. Good luck tricking yourself!

  8. 8 carissajaded October 29, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Good luck with the swine! I would totally rather have swine than the regular flu. Whats cool about the regular flu? that’s just nasty.

  9. 9 misscherryred October 29, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Urgh, I have swine flu!

    It sucks balls….

    Get well soon


  10. 10 Laura October 29, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    Oh no! Not you too!

    Well, I don’t have piggy flu, but I definitely have been down for the count for the past 5 days with a sinus infection or something. I felt like I was on my death bed. So I went to CVS and signed my life away for that good Sudafed. I am better, but can’t get any sleep because of my kiddo. DAMN GERMS!!!!!!!!!

  11. 11 Nona October 29, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    I had the porky flu, the baconic plague, hamthrax, whatever you want to call it last week and and it wasn’t that bad.

    Seriously, I’ve had worse illnesses. But it did make me very achy and very tired. I’m back at work this week and feel like the walking dead: no energy, lack of focus, etc. But I feel like that a lot at work, so that could just be my job.

    Any old hoo, get lots of rest and chug some Vitamin C. Sleep some more, then rest until your next nap.

    Feel better soon.

  12. 12 Jenera October 29, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    My kids have been sick for two weeks with ‘not the swine flu’. Which only means they won’t tell me what it is.

    hopefully you’ll get over it quick!

  13. 13 Linnnn October 29, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    I have seen the pig and he are us. Hi! High on Tamaflu I am making no sense but actually did, in fact, receive the Swine Flu diagnosis. And, yes, Jessica you will shit yourself if you have it…it’s part of the package. In fact, I was driving by Atlanta thinking “this is where Jessica lives” while puking in a McDonalds bag at 70 mph. Stay home. Assume horizontal. If you can focus your eyes, I have written a lot about it in my little sorry corner of a blog…Sharing the miz. Cheers dearie! Mend well!

  14. 14 Spot October 29, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    “If it’s swine flu…I will shit myself” Considering that the people here who are getting it are having diarrhea, I’m pretty sure if it’s swine flu you really will shit yourself. It’s amazing to me that sick, and high on benadryl, with your brain screaming at you no less, you still managed to make a pun. Well done!!!

    Hope you feel better,

  15. 15 Ed Adams October 29, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    Fucking Brits.

    Still trying to get back at us for that whole Revolution thing.

  16. 16 Angelia October 29, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    (as you would say) THE HELL?

    I hope you didn’t eat that CRAP in the fridge and make yourself sick, so you could dope up on Benadryl!

    I like staring at the lights on Benadryl. Do you see the lights too?

    Get some oinkment girl! *Snort!*

  17. 17 Alice in Wonderland October 29, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    Hey! I’m English! And we have it too! I got ill just after I had my ‘Flu shot about three weeks ago, and I’ve been ill ever since!
    So you just can’t blame us English!
    I’ve heard every joke that has been said about sWine ‘Fly too…and that doesn’t make it better!
    Now I feel pretty annoyed that you are blaming us! I might just pay you a visit…Spot! LOL!!!!
    Apologise now! (please!)

  18. 18 lifestartsnow October 29, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    hope you feel better soon!

    if you have the regular flu then you will feel really sick within a few hours of actually starting to feel sick. you will have a (very) high fever and all your joints will ache. it’s like you’re sore all over.

    from what i’ve heard from the piggy kind, it’s more like a cold and you don’t feel sick as fast as with the real flu.

    whatever, i don’t think you have piggies. you seem to be healthy, fit, you work out, eat well…no immediate reason to make piggy stick to you. it’s probably just a cold.

    gute besserung!


  19. 19 Cyndi October 29, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    We have a “mimic virus” here which means we’re too damn good for the piggy flu.

    And Benadryl makes perfect sense. You can’t do anything for it so you just treat the symptoms. Benadryl is an anti-histamine and also makes you sleepy, so hey, it works! It’s the active ingredient in Tylenol PM.

  20. 20 Cindy Lou October 29, 2009 at 5:47 pm

    I don’t know how you can still be hilarious when you feel like shit, but you are! Sorry you’re feeling like crap – look at it this way, there’s not a lot better than a good ole drug-induced sleep. Take care of yourself!

  21. 21 brooke October 29, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    one time i wrote a post in that mind set. i reread it when i felt better and deleted it immediately. you’ve done well in the sick/funny/not really altogether post.

  22. 22 fattiefatterton October 29, 2009 at 10:25 pm

    Feel better soon Miss Jessica!!

  23. 24 Kid Icarus October 30, 2009 at 7:55 am

    Puke on all that! Get better! Sleep lots! And have fun milking the “sicky” role play…you know:

    “Tim – can you get me this….Tim can you do that for me….Tim, I don’t feel good, can you rub my back?.”

    Milk it sister.

  24. 25 Jessica October 30, 2009 at 9:05 am

    First: THANK YOU for all of the “hope it’s not the swine…get better soon because well, that’s what we’re supposed to say wishes.” It totally worked.

    Andrew: First – thanks for stopping in! Second – good point. A zombie is much worse. Loved the video, by the way.
    Susan: Well, beige-ish walls are a total downer. Makes me want to continue to be sick.

    mark price: (where the hell have YOU been?! Damn) – The Brits finally left (yea!)…now maybe the germs will cease to flow through the house.

    LB: I wish I would have had your kind of insight to decorate the bedroom first. I partially blame Tim…because I “moved in” after he had already set everything up…so technically, it should have been him with the forward thinking…

    Anne: I guilted him into like…making me dinner. Which required
    him to go back to the store AFTER he already came home…it was Benadryl’s fault. It severely impaired my ability to make decisions.

    Stephanie & Breeza & fattiefaterton & Erin: Thanks. I actually think I succeeded.

    Carissajaded: I pick…neither flu…they’re all gross. Lots of snot, I hear.

    Misscherryred: STAY AWAY.  Well, not from me…but from like, real people.

    Laura: YOU need to get well. Start shoving some vitamins down your throat. They help. Lots. And tell your kid to stop sneezing on you. 🙂

    Nona: I think your advice is golden. Cause that’s exactly what I did.

    Jenera: Why don’t *they* just SAY IT. Swine flu has become like, a dirty word. 🙂

    Linnnn: So….how are you feeling post puke-fest?

    Spot: I’m glad you took the time to recognize the lengths I go
    to just to please the blog population. EVEN WHEN I’M FEELING LIKE SHITBALLS.

    Ed Adams: Hi! Thanks for coming by…and I think you’re on to something…never considered that possibility – but it makes perfect sense…

    Angelia: (green yogurt) / (lots of Benadryl) = fireworks

    Alice in Wonderland: I’m sorry the Brits made me sick. Wait…that totally was not the apology you were looking for…I’m sorry YOU are sick? 🙂 Wait…SPOT is supposed to be apolgiz/sing…SPOT!!

    franzi: I think you’re right. NO PIGGIES.

    Cyndi: I made my husband read your comment.

    Cyndi Lou (Who): I try…I think the Benadryl helped, though.

    brooke: That’s a compliment, right? I think?

    Kid Icarus: OH…I did. Trust me. 🙂

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