being a bitch is way better than being prom queen.

I know this is totally hard to believe completely believeable but I was never even NOMINATED  for homecoming princess or prom queen or any of those other awards where being pretty and an object of desirability for all the raging teenage hormones were requirements.

The only awards I won were from basketball.

Yes. I have lots of those. Lots and LOTS of little gold colored, plastic women with perfectly uniform boobs, sitting atop a fat stripper pole with an engraved plate at the bottom all, “You’re awesome at beating people up.”

Ok, so maybe some of the awards are way cooler than that…like the clear one shaped like a star…anyway, you can see why I was never nominated. Who the hell says “way cooler” and gets a sparkly crown?  Nobody.

The point is, I was only recognized for being a completely unladylike bitch…throwing elbows, shoving people out of my way with my ass and sweating like a damn pig. It worked and all…MVP and eternal fixture in the starting 5, clutch player with ice in her veins…but it earned me zero friends and millions of enemies people who didn’t like  me. Probably because I was mean and stole the ball. Totally opposite from the whole sharing thing they teach you in Kindergarten. I think I was absent that day.

So, this whole blog thing has been like…well, I mean, I’m still probably a bitch…but it doesn’t seem to matter here.

Plus, being a bitch is way better than being prom queen. Cause bitches are allowed to eat more than three times a month and we aren’t required to match our clothes.

I really couldn’t have asked for more…because my favorite thing to do is shovel food into my mouth while wearing a tutu and an old sweatshirt.

Well, actually, I could use an avacado slicer. And I still haven’t heard from the football people about those damn flags. Problem with that last one is I have to go to the grocery store today…we’ve consumed the last saltine and Tim put his foot down on the mystery meat that’s sitting in the freezer.

I was all, “It’s frozen. It’s FINE.”

Then he’s all,”IT expired in 2001.”

Holy. Shit.

The meat has been hanging out in his freezer longer than I’ve inhabited this house.

The hell, honey? Small lesson in like, looking in the bottom drawer of your freezer once a year…I scheduled it for Saturday. 10 am. BE THERE.

No, it’s not optional.

It stopped being optional at year 5.

Am I still aware of the container of yogurt in the back of the fridge that I purchased the second day I moved into your humble abode?


And why is that different?

Because I’m growing penicillin.

Why? Just in case there’s a shortage.

Then, when people are breaking into pharmacies and screaming at the government for penicillin, we’ll be all, “Weren’t we just the forward thinkers? Totally sucks to be you. The dumbass without penicillin.”

It’s genius.

You’ll thank me.


Tim has informed me that it is impossible to grow penicillin in yogurt.

I tried to be all, “Mold is MOLD. Duh.”

Then he was all, “No, actually, it’s not.”

Apparently, penicillin comes from bread mold.

Damn his scientific background.

And his brain that remembers shit from 2nd grade.


28 Responses to “being a bitch is way better than being prom queen.”

  1. 1 Breeza October 28, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Smart idea on the penicillin! Too bad Tim is right. Dang him.
    And MVP is much better than some old prom queen!

  2. 2 Angelia October 28, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Quick! Grow it on bread, you’re not behind the times yet!!! Seriously! There is going to be a shortage!

    We didn’t even HAVE homecoming queen or king at my school. Country ASS place. We didn’t even have football! The superintendent’s son DIED, kinda crapola, therefore no football. School FAIL.

  3. 3 Angelia October 28, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    Ooops sorry it was a nephew, not a son, or maybe a distant cousin. Can you say urban legend?

  4. 4 ittybittycrazy October 28, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Fuck being Prom Queen.

    The only award I ever got was, after my first year staying in residence (dorm) at University, I got the “most corrupted” prize, thanks to my then, and now, BFF.

    I came into University a sweet little virgin and I left a Rocky-Horror-Picture-Show-memorizing, man-hunting, cheap-wine-at-sunset-on-the-beach-drinking, toga-party-sheet-folding, blow job queen.

    Don’t tell my husband.


  5. 5 Dirty Hooker October 28, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    I was voted “Most Likely to Fucking Hate All of You.” It was sweet.

  6. 6 tracey October 28, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    WAIT. You mean that mold I just injected after reading HALF of your blog wasn’t PENICILLIN?


    Thanks a LOT Booshy. A whole fucking lot. I’m going to die from yogurt mold poisoning and it’s ALL. YOUR. FAULT.

    No wonder you were never crowned as a princess or queen. No. Wonder.

  7. 7 Shannon October 28, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Obvioulsy I wasn’t voted prom queen or homecoming queen. I mean come on I grew up and fucked the prom queens husband:) Dirty dirty.

  8. 8 lettergirl October 28, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    Ummm, I might love you. Totally bookmarking your blog.

  9. 9 LB @Wait, She Said What? October 28, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Whenever someone called me a bitch I couldn’t resist saying thank you. I think that in itself makes me a bitch but hey, at least I’m consistent. No one has called me one in a long time so I must be slipping. I think as I get older I’m getting soft.

    I never won prom queen either but I think it had something to do with not giving a shit about all the high school bullshit and not being a blonde whore. Something like that.

  10. 10 Spot October 28, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    I was voted “most likely to get divorced”. I guess it was because I changed boyfriends like every two weeks and they had a habit of calling me the “ice princess”. Well at least I was princess of something so there. And I’ve been married for almost 20 years so stick that in the yearbook all you people who judge.

    Actually, the ex who dubbed me the “ice princess” still calls me “la belle dame sans merci”. And he’s like some rich bigwig with UPS. So I probably should have stuck it out with him a little longer because he speaks french and japanese and is rich now. *sigh*


  11. 11 lifestartsnow October 28, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    i’m with LB, i think you need to be blond to be prom queen. not a blonde. and not a fan of having 10000 “friends”. i like the few i have but sadly enough, their votes just ain’t cutting it to even make it on the short list – hehe

    was tim ever voted something?


  12. 12 Cindy Lou October 28, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    Never a prom queen either, but they were all vapid idiots so I didn’t care. I did get Class Flirt though which I took as a great honor as there is definitely an art to it. I’d take bitch any day over prom queen!

  13. 13 theirishpirate October 28, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    We didn’t even have a prom queen or king. I guess they thought kids would get violent in their attempts to win??? Not so sure.

  14. 14 Belle October 28, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    Who even likes the prom queen? That bitch sucks.

  15. 15 middle-aged-woman October 28, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    Hey, Mr. Smarty-pants, maybe it’s a NEW kind of penicillin and Jessica will be all rich and famous. Then you’ll be sorry.

  16. 16 txtingmrdarcy October 28, 2009 at 6:22 pm

    The only awards I ever won in high school were awards for Music. Which are way less cool than your sports awards. So you’ve got me beat.

    Hell, I wasn’t even a bitch. I wore OVERALLS. I didn’t figure that shit out til college.

    *hangs head in shame*

  17. 17 Kaylynn October 28, 2009 at 7:19 pm



  18. 18 Kaylynn October 28, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    Also. Um… that wasn’t supposed to be in all caps. I thought your text window was just odd, but turns out I had caps lock on. My bad. Better allot more time for that “growing” out of it bit, I guess.

  19. 19 Stone Fox October 28, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    i was voted “Class CLown” in high school.

    i know it sounds lame, but honestly: winning that title kept me warm on those long, cold, lonely friday nights when all of my friends were going to house parties or dry humping their boyfriends and i sat at home by myself. watching muthafucking TGIF.

  20. 20 Alice in Wonderland October 28, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    I’m pleased that we never had anything like that in England!
    I dread to think what I would have been called!

  21. 22 Wendi October 29, 2009 at 7:01 am

    Booshy, just think of the money you saved not having to buy dyed satin shoes. Can the Prom Queens say that?

  22. 23 Kambria October 29, 2009 at 7:18 am

    Crap….being the forward thinker all the time, I better go rescue that moldy loaf of bread from the garbage now.

    Love your blog! You bring a smile to my face every day!

  23. 24 Wendi October 29, 2009 at 8:11 am

    Booshy – you have received one of the very first It’s A Major Award! awards, from For all the details on IAMA!, please clicky over to

    Thanks for being an awesome blogger hon.

    Wendi @ BAH

  24. 25 Masked Mom October 29, 2009 at 8:58 am

    Jamie Lee Curtis says bacteria in yogurt makes you “regular.” Older yogurt=more bacteria. More bacteria=more regularity. Maybe not as good as infection protection, but still a very good thing to have on hand during the coming apocalypse. Way to think ahead.

    (PS–if you spread the old yogurt on a slice of bread and leave it on the counter for a couple days, I’ll bet you could grow some hellacious strain of super pencillin. You could get the Nobel Prize in Medicine–way better than the rhinestone tiara you missed out on in high school.)

  25. 26 epeevie October 29, 2009 at 9:13 am

    In high school they called me…Wait. They didn’t call me anything, because they didn’t notice me. I did, however, write scathing editorials for the school newspaper exposing the ancient textbooks and protesting the proposed nuclear power plant. Which nobody read or cared about except me.

    Oh well. Not a bitch, not a prom queen, just a fat girl with a pen.

    The more things change, the more they stay the same.

  26. 27 hintonrae October 29, 2009 at 9:53 am

    I always sucked at basketball, because I’m only 5 feet 2 inches tall and frankly, girls like you scared the hell out of me. However, I rocked, and still rock, volleyball, despite the height challenge. I’d much rather be an athlete than a prom queen. One’s enduring, while the other’s a memory and and the desperation of Botox.

  27. 28 Stephanie October 29, 2009 at 11:39 am

    I was never prom queen either, although I don’t think it’s much to be jealous of. Maybe you are just growing a NEW kind of penicillin in the yogurt. Tim probably doesn’t know everything. You ARE the one growing the penicillin after all.

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