the neighborhood hates us

I am totally blaming this on Tim, because he picked the house before I even met him. And he blames himself, too. So I’m not alone in the accusation.

Our neighborhood hates us.

I know hate is a strong word and all…but I’m totally serious. They all want us to move. I’m surprised we haven’t had to yank any For Sale signs out of the front lawn. Actually, they just allow their dogs to shit in our yard and pee on our tree that’s about two feet from the curb. We only have two trees that are actually IN our yard…and one’s turned into a piss-pole.

I think I prefer the sign. The sign’s easier to clean. And it doesn’t leave residue. The canine excrement is way worse.

And said droppings cause severe anxiety for Maddie and Lexi. They go sniff that damn tree all, “WHO THE HELL IS THIS!?!?”  and they’ll stop and point at a foreign turd and refuse to move unless we physically force them. I mean, they’d still be frozen in that one leg bent, tail out position had I not shoved their asses to the front door.

This already has signs of turning into a mini an all-out rant. So just deal with it. Or something. Send me a sympathy card.

We live in an area where the…how shall we say…”culture” is not conducive to Tim and I.

At all.

In fact, the reigning “culture” that occupies every single house in our subdivision – save ONE who are Korean or Japanese or something – gives us the evil eye all WHY DON’T YOU JUST MOVE THE HELL ALONG? AT LEAST THE ASIANS CAN COOK.

And we would…we’re trying. BELIEVE ME, PEOPLE. It’s an all-hands-on-deck effort at this point.

It’s just not working. I have no book deal. I am not independently wealthy. No one wants to give us a house on top of a mountain for free…greedy bastards. I should start a fund. A “Get The Bold’s Out” charity. All proceeds will be tax deducitible…or something along those lines…hell if I know.

I have nothing against other races. I even dated an African American for TWO DAMN YEARS. I experienced and endured the racism that comes from an interracial relationship. It’s not fun. It really shows you the darker side of people. A side that is very scary and makes you realize that those with the best intentions on the surface are really hoarding something evil and revolting underneath the façade.

The BEST thing that came from my “taboo” relationship was that I learned not to see color. I see people. 

To this day, I still don’t notice race unless it’s either pointed out or I make a conscious effort.

What I do notice is arrogance. Arrogance and really mean people with a stick up their ass.

And apparently that’s what lives in our neighborhood…arrogant people with sticks up their asses (that their dogs try to remove during the daily walks…quite a sight, really)…even though we give out awesome Halloween candy every year AND smile and wave to their stupid ass kids who walk down the middle of the damn road and then flick us off every time we drive by like we’re in THEIR WAY.

Fuck you. Asshole.

That’s what I want to say…but I’m afraid they’ll beat me up or chase me or something. It’s already happened once…a few years ago…and had I not had some shred of commonsense I’d probably still be in a ditch somewhere.

I know. Totally harsh…but I was CHASED by a vehicle containing three VERY LARGE MALES while I was running solo early one morning. They hunted me after I cut through someone’s backyard where there was no road for them to follow…and then I had to dart inside bushes and behind trees when I realized they found me again and were gunning it down the road, trying to catch up to me. I squatted in the bushes and tried not to breathe as I watched them inch their car along, looking for me. I’ll never forget praying they wouldn’t see me…six eyes searching a tiny swath of scrub where I sat…only feet from the road.

Tim says it would have been a crime of opportunity. All I know is I’ve never been more afraid for my life. Ever. I had to creep and crawl all the way home. Two miles of sheer terror where I had to keep to the tree line and duck and cover if I heard a car. The second I made it inside the garage door without them finding me, I lost it. Literally. I broke down and starting bawling.

I now run with pepper spray and a huge sense of mistrust.

I  mean, it’s like moving to the middle of Mexico City and obtaining residence. We just don’t fit.

I don’t think we want to fit.

We want to move.

You people are mean.  And well, you’re always all, “We’re having a party. But you’re not invited. Ever.”

So we’ve holed ourselves up. Prisoner to our property. It’s sad, really.

And we’re never having an open house…because we’re afraid things will get stolen and then sold back to us at fifty times what we bought it for ten years ago…blackmail bullshit.

Actually, I think maybe we’ll give out carrots and celery this year. Stuffed in those paper Halloween bags, stapled at the top, so you have no idea you got rabbit food until you get home…and by then you won’t remember who gave it to you…so you can’t seek out revenge.

Though, come to think of it, we’ll probably get blamed for any shitty candy, whether we were the guilty providers or not.

Dear Anyone Within a 10 Mile Radius of Our House, 

It’d be awesome if this was the year you decide to stop giving out shitty candy. I’m tired of cleaning toilet paper out of the trees and wiping egg from the windows because your cheap ass gave out those disgusting fruity tootsie rolls and milk duds.

Sincerely, me.

PS: A tip for “good candy” is chocolate.

PPS: Yes, chocolate is MORE EXPENSIVE than raisins…and there are less pieces per ounce. It’s a sacrifice I think you need to make, dammit.

PPPS: No, I will not reimburse you.


29 Responses to “the neighborhood hates us”

  1. 1 P T October 26, 2009 at 11:51 am

    You’re putting up with quite some ‘shit’! If it were me I’d break down. You need a new home where no one will hand out shitty candy. 🙂 Wish you all the best..

  2. 2 Breeza October 26, 2009 at 11:54 am

    Wow. People where you live are Mean!! I keep saying, just move here 🙂 I think there are mean people everywhere, but not like that. Jeez.
    Can you just not give out candy? Or would there be a revolt?

  3. 3 Anne Dewvall October 26, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    What kind of people would your neighborhood like?

  4. 4 Shannon October 26, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    What the hell kind of neighborhood do you live in?! Scary! I live in the small town outside the city and I still carry my mace on my walks with me. I don’t need that one time to be the one crime that happens in this town and I’m not fully prepared to kick some ass.

  5. 5 bevchen October 26, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    Wow. What kind of neighbourhood do you live in? Those people sound SCARY!

  6. 6 Chell October 26, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    I have thought about putting a sign in my flower bed….

    “Please do not let your dog piss on MY flowers”

  7. 7 Angelia October 26, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    My neighbor when I lived in a house with #2, built a tiny fence next to the sidewalk. It was about knee high, she even painted it and planted flowers around. Supposedly, this little barrier prevented dog excretions in her yard. I mean, since you’re already on the outs, might as well really piss the neighbors off and build a stupid little fence, knee HIGH. It really brings value to the neighborhood.

  8. 8 Shelly October 26, 2009 at 2:21 pm

    You totally live on Mean Street. How awful!

    I hate when people let their dogs shit in our yard. HATE IT. I have 2 large dogs, I carry bags when I walk them and I clean up after them. Is it fun? Not really, but it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes I want to follow the people who let their dogs crap in our yard so I can leave them a little something special in their yard. But I’m nicer than that. Mostly.

  9. 9 lifestartsnow October 26, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    put a sign on your tree saying something like “only maddie and lexi shit here thank you”. can’t be worse than what you have to put up with now.

    gosh, american neighborhoods can be terror. suburban terror that is


  10. 10 WebSavyMom October 26, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    –>That is TERRIBLE! Since you have nothing to loose, start tossing the poop into one of the neighbor’s yards.

    Are you seriously looking for another place to live? If not, why not put a For Sale By Owner sign in your yard with a bogus phone number. Maybe the neighbors won’t bother you if they think you’re trying to sell…just a thought.


  11. 11 "Seattle" Heather October 26, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    Where the fuck do you live so I don’t move there?!? I wouldn’t give out candy to their shitty kids. I would leave the porch light off and ignore the damn door bell. Hang a sign on the door that says, “F U”

    Bag up the UFO dog terds and give them back to the neighbors that left them…with a note that says, “here you forgot this in my yard.” If you want to make it really sentimental you can make the cards yourself. 🙂

  12. 12 GroundSquirrel October 26, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    Your ‘hood sucks. If you lived in my neighborhood, I would totally give you a place to hide if you were running from people. But my neighborhood is safe, so the odds are slim that you’d have to run from people.

  13. 13 Pop and Ice October 26, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    That is so very sad. What an awful neighborhood to live in! Makes we want to go out and give my neighbors kisses but since I’m shy and all, I guess I’ll just have to smile and wave.

    On the dog front, is there anything you can apply to your trees or grass to discourage this behavior? Since I just have cats, I guess I’m not of much help with this issue.

    And I would say MOVE as soon as you can.

  14. 14 peedee October 26, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Quite simply it sounds like reverse racism. Dont blame you for wanting to leave. Hope you get out soon.

  15. 15 Michelle October 26, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I can’t think of anything that I hate more than being tp’d. I have a 15 year old son and we live in a neighborhood full of teenagers. We finally started filing police reports every time it happened. No the cops in our little ‘burg spend their weekend evenings cruising the blocks looking for teenagers carrying backpacks!

    And for the record, I have trained my dog to drop his deuce on the little strip of city property next to the street rather than someone’s yard. I KNOW, I should scoop. But seriously, who wants to carry around a bag of poo?

    Good luck on the moving. I wish you a speedy sale. 🙂

  16. 16 Momish October 26, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    I hope you can move soon. It sucks to be surrounding by people who just can’t appreciate you and make your life awful. Good luck! Get out of there!

  17. 17 Alice in Wonderland October 26, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Agree with Seattle Heather, bag it up, throw it back!
    Don’t bother with the kids, what else can they do? I would take some photo’s of the brats and pin them up!
    I’d get out of there as soon as I could! Good luck!

  18. 18 Amy October 26, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    Oh my gosh! Your neighborhood sounds horrible. Puts mine in perspective a little. We are the only people with good jobs and motivation in our neighborhood. The rest? White trash. Very literally. We have a guy 4 doors up with weeds growing through his GMC Jimmy that has a plow on the front of it. 3 doors up from him on the other side of the road there’s a house with no less that 7 barbecue grills outside. Oh and over the weekend they decorated for Halloween. Yeah, if there’s less than 100 lawn ornaments out I’ll eat the grime off their barbecue grills. Our next door neighbor was talking to my husband about politics and my husband mentioned The Cold War… our 50-something year old neighbor said, “What’s the Cold War?” We had to buy this house in an emergency and now are just counting the years until we can get the hell out of here.

    But yours… sounds worse. I don’t fear for my life.

    My condolences. And if you happen to find that benevolent millionaire giving out houses… please direct him or her to me as well. Thanks.

  19. 19 Cindy Lou October 26, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    Wow! And yeah to what everyone else said….I really like the idea of rebagging the shit and returning it with a polite note…:} I’ll be hoping for news of a move soon….until then, be safe and don’t open the door for trick-or-treaters!

  20. 20 Spot October 26, 2009 at 10:16 pm

    Wow. This is the reason I don’t have neighbors! Okay, that and I live in the middle of nowhere.

    Mean people suck and your neighbors are for sure mean people! You know what mean people hate? Nice people. So be sure that everytime you see a neighbor you smile really big and wave and say “hi” in your best ever sweet voice. It will make them really mad and they will wonder what you’re up to.

    Hope you find a new house soon!

  21. 21 LS October 27, 2009 at 12:47 am

    Wow, that really puts my asshole neighbors in perspective. At least they give us a duty wave every few weeks. They’re assholes but I’ve never been afraid of any of them.

    I know exactly what you mean by prisoner on your property. I can’t stand to be out front where they stare and whisper. And what the hell are they always talking about? I’m not a huge weirdo. I’m seriously convinced it’s because I’m the only fat lady on the street. Their kids make rude comments sometimes and the parents probably agree. Peopel are so obsessed by what other people look like. It’s really bizarre when you think about it.

  22. 22 ramblette October 27, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Besides being chased down while running, why exactly don’t you fit in?

  23. 23 Barista October 27, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Dude where do you live?!

  24. 24 morethananelectrician October 27, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    Beer bottles are the projectile of choice around here. There are certain times of the evening to stay off of the roads here. I have had cars miss me on the first pass and come back to hit me the second time.

  25. 25 hintonrae October 27, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    You couldn’t pay me to live in a neighborhood. I much prefer cows and coons to people with a keepingupwiththefreakingjones complex. And I’m sorry, but if a dog drops a missile in my mums, I take it personally. It’s just the way I’m made. I can’t help it.

    In all seriousness, I’d give them all (kids and parents alike) prunes for Halloween. They’re full of antioxidants, and fiber as well. And it just might jiggle loose those sticks up their butts.

    Buy land. It’s relatively cheap right now, and you can’t go wrong with it most of the time.

    Lori 🙂

  26. 26 Pammy Girl October 27, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    Um… I like the fruity Tootsie Rolls. Well, only the orange and cherry flavored ones. As for your d-bag neighbors: my friend’s neighbor tried to kill her dog by “accidentally” strangling it on an electrical fence. I’m a little fuzzy on the details but things got much better after my friend called the cops. The neighbors wave now. Of course they could flip her off as she walks into her house, too.

    You might not want to call the cops, though. Sounds like your neighbors are about 5 days away from blowing up your house and getting the cops involved might turn 5 into 3.

  27. 27 Aunt Becky October 27, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    Holy BeJesus. That’s scary shit, man.

  1. 1 booshy blessings (aka extra work for you…) « booshy Trackback on November 3, 2009 at 9:42 am
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