honesty…not always like, well, fun.

I had to add an update…because I totally made Tim “look” like a short person in the # 1 (it’ll all make sense…promise)…it’s at the bottom – which is the most nonsensical place for an “update.” That’s why I’m telling you about it here. It’s like an advertisement, only without pictures.

Apparently, we’ve already forgotten that THESE ARE NOT AWARDS.

THEY ARE PUNISHMENTS.

It’s like saying to a kid, “It’s Saturday and I’ve got something fun for you! Go clean out the garage.”

Shit.

Anyway, I received this “award-that-is-not-really-an-award” – aka “Honest Scrap” (which I’d like to rename Honest Crap) from Shannon over at lovedyoumore.

This one’s all about honesty…no threatening questions like the last one. At least that’s a step in the right direction. Here’s the little “official” picture…no idea where it came from…but maybe it looks familiar to you. It looks like it’s been hit with more than a few bullets…I guess I can’t really blame the shooter.

honest_scrap_award

Can someone please give me a REAL AWARD? One that equals accolades and lots of recognition where the most I have to do is smile and give an acceptance speech? I’d *really* like one of those kinds of awards.

So, honest little bits and pieces about me…other than the fact that I’d really like a REAL AWARD…that I haven’t already shared…hmmmm…

It took me awhile thirty minutes to come up with anything because I lay it all out here EVERY DAMN DAY…I bear my heart and soul…I give out lots of information that even the mailman doesn’t know about. And that’s saying something because the mailman is privy to EVERYTHING.

Anyhow, I’ve stalled long enough…here we go:

10. I really suck at having friends. There are MANY people I’d love to be friends with…both via cyberspace and regular space…but I am THE WORST at keeping in touch, following up, sending condolences or congratulations…making plans…anything that would maintain a friendship…I suck at. So, more than likely, you are just one of those people…and I want to be your friend…I just don’t know how. I need a starter-friend who is willing to like, yell at me when I don’t respond or when I act like a complete moron in a public setting.

9. That last one might be tied to the fact that, as a child, I was PAINFULLY shy. I wouldn’t go over to my little friend’s houses…I’d actually start crying at the thought of leaving my house or being away from my house. I preferred to play outside with my brother over my friends. That shyness stayed with me through college. I got over the whole “away from home” thing as a kid but I didn’t make any lasting friendships in college because I never opened up to let anyone get to know me. Ever. So weird, now that I think about it…because those who read this blog probably know more about me than those who spent almost every day of the year with me during college…in the flesh.

8. I DESPERATELY want to be a good singer…but I suck. I’ve tried. I’ve even recorded myself to try and see where it goes wrong. The answer? The first damn note. But to be able to belt out a song…ANY SONG…and have people say I sounded amazing…that I had an incredible voice…it is my dream that will never be realized. Unless they do complete vocal chord replacement surgery. Then maybe I have a shot.

7. Second to my desire to sing is to have a hot model body. Tim always tells me people would kill for my body…I think he’s just being nice…waaay too nice. I know I’m not overweight but I’m not thin as a rail nor am I like, rock solid in all areas. Again, Tim says these extremes are unattractive. I say look at a magazine. Any magazine. Actually, check out any form of public media. Fat people Any normal person with more than 2 ounces of fat and five freckles are only the main attraction if they’ve lost weight, are losing weight, are having some crazy experiment done on them or have so much fat on their bodies that it required something so drastic it became interesting. And NEVER do they show overweight people as sexy, desirable women. EVER. It’s crap. But it’s also twisted my mind, I’m well aware…it doesn’t stop me from wanting it though…my problem is that I like dessert too much. Damn the person who invented baked goods.

6. I like to pretend that Tim and I are like, super important when we’re travelling somewhere. I have no idea why…but it really comes out if we’re doing something that has us in first class seats, a classy hotel or being transported in a Lincoln Towncar. It’s like I want people to notice us…and for them to wonder what it is we do for that kind of treatment. It’s totally snobby and unrealistic because we’re probably the most uninteresting people on the planet. I think part of me hopes that one day I won’t BE pretending. Ok, I’m being a snobby bitch again. Moving on.

5. Little noises REALLY bother me. I mean, they make my insides boil like Elmer Fudd where his face gets all purple from sheer frustration because Bugs keeps outsmarting him. It will get to the point I become so agitated I’ll explode if they don’t IMMEDIATELY CEASE THE NOISE. The noises can be anything from someone snoring to having some random, dry booger stuck in your nose that makes a whistling sound when breathing or smacking gum or drumming a pen on a desk… It makes me CRAZY and I’ll continue to give them the evil eye all, “STOP MAKING THAT NOISE. I’m warning you. It will not be pretty if you continue to whistle FROM YOUR NOSE.” Sometimes I actually vocalize my irritation in a loud, audible huff. Now, in their defense, these people usually have no idea that they’re even MAKING a noise…but I hear it…and it drives me INSANE.

4. Since forever, in order for me to feel like I’ve had a successful, productive day, I must do something that caused me to sweat – like running or lifting weights or climbing to the top of a mountain. It goes back to having basketball practices 6 days a week for YEARS…so now, if I have days where I do absolutely nothing that is physically active, I feel like my entire day has been wasted.

3. Though I secretly shun Martha Stewart, I actually LOVE her. I want to have our house be like a Martha Stewart house…all neat and clean and pretty. I look through the home magazines every single time I’m at the grocery store with envy…even the one’s with the amazing spreads of food on the cover that look like it took a month to create or the one that always has the super cute decorations for the holidays…but I refuse to get a subscription because I’m ashamed of anyone knowing I want that…the “white picket fence” life. (That totally sounds like something that should be on Post Secret…and that’s really scary).

2. When I’m really, really hungry, I’m a total bitch. Stay away from me unless you have food. I’m serious. I’ll rip out your eyeballs if you walk up all, “let’s sit down and have a nice cup of tea” when all I want to shovel cookies into my mouth. I think this also goes back to #10…why I have no friends.

1. When I started my dating life, I refused to date anyone shorter than me. EVER. It was like an unwritten rule I NEVER BROKE…because dating someone shorter than me was embarrassing and just…wrong. It didn’t feel right. I broke this rule only ONCE…and I ended up marrying him. How’s that for poetic justice?

***Update for # 1 ***

I’m amazon woman tall, remember? Towering at 5’10…but it’s not like I married a midget or something. Tim is 5’9.

Not that I have anything against midgets.

I don’t.

I think I’m supposed to call them Little People.

Damn…not “them” like “them” is some discriminatory category…those that are shorter than average…Little People.

I realized I *might* have offended any little people by capitalizing the L in little and the P in people.

I really have nothing against short or tall people…or regular, average people…

I’m going to stop now because I’m just digging myself a deeper hole.

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22 Responses to “honesty…not always like, well, fun.”


  1. 1 Barista October 19, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    I’m cracking the fuck up at #1.

  2. 2 lifestartsnow October 19, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    loving #1 – does that teach me that shorter guys clean, are considerate, and all in all the perfect hubby?

    franzi

  3. 3 sandysays1 October 19, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    You seem, well, troubled? Let me try to help. As for:
    10. Most folks just want to know you’re thinking of them. I pee on all the mail boxes that my friends have visited. There’s probably a human equivalent.
    9. Make believe you’re someone else who isn’t shy. Bette Midler comes to mind. If you’re similarly equiped you don’t have pretend.
    8. Don’t sweat it! Have you ever really listened to Nancy Sinatra? Some of the ladies making a living singing previously used their voices to exterminate tenaments.
    7. Two words – Sandra Bullock. Not extreme but so nice.
    6. Want people to notice? Don’t have cash to fluant? Tim and you should try taking your clothes next time you go somewhere. Doesn’t work for me with canines but I understand humans react differently.
    5. Biting the noise making offerder in a sensitive place works for me, they scream a little then leave.
    4. Can’t help you much on that- I never sweat. However, my human suggests sex in a suana.
    3. Strange, you don’t sound like a white picket fence type gal. Maybe a subscription to “Back Packer,” or “Reader’s Indigestion.” Did I get that right?
    2. CAN I IDENTIFY WITH YOU THERE!! Try rolling on the dining room table. It delivers a message.
    1. Sorry I tried to help on all of your issues. Maybe you could by your husband stilts? Sandy

  4. 4 Rose October 19, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    Re: number 5 – I hate people who whistle or hum and if one of my co-workers does it, I tell them to shut the fuck up. I also hate people who clip their fingernails in public. I mean, who does that, except the dweeb engineers I work with? If one of those nails comes flying at me and hits me, there will be a murder in the workplace.

    Glad to know more about you!

  5. 5 Shannon October 19, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    I can see this was terribly troubling for you but so glad you did it. I too would like a real award that includes money and a book deal…what?…anyways…#10- I too have that problem. Possibly because I’m bossy. That is why I have my select few. It could also have to do with #2 because the second my blood sugar goes down it is time to feed me. Not discuss the latest whatever or care about anyone elses needs but my own by inserting food in my mouth. I’ll also ditto #6 and #8.

  6. 6 mark price October 19, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    I can’t even believe you said “booger”. Thats cool! You knocked this one out of the park. Excellent post and I am recommending you to friends…again.

  7. 7 Cyndi October 19, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    GET OUT OF MY HEAD! Seriously, I thought you were me until #4 and #3. #1 is true but it’s hard to be shorter than me. Like my daddy says – I’m ass high to a chipmunk.

    Yesterday Shaun gave me the stink-eye as we were driving to my parents’ for dinner. There were two little people walking down the street and I yelled OMG, THERE ARE MIDGETS IN THE TRAILER PARK! I have a problem with my brain to mouth filter.

  8. 8 backoffhipster October 19, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    If they sold starter friends in the store, I would buy them. Though it would probably end up like my shoe collection. I’d have a whole bunch of different types of friends, but would still end up wearing the same pair of converse every day. And then I would start to have guilt that my other shoes/friends would start to feel neglected. Yes, I anthropomorphize my footwear.

  9. 9 jaimelynne October 19, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    I am short and I am offended!

    Seriously thanks for the laughs, I might have to drink so much.

  10. 10 Mary October 19, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    I’m right with you on #8 and #2. As for #7, I hope you don’t want the Ralph Lauren photoshopped model look that’s been all the rage for the past week. Poor woman’s body looked like an insect. NOT attractive. And to top it all off, Ralphie Boy fired the model for not being thin enough. She’s 5’10” and 120 lbs. Egads! Makes me want to put Ralphie on an island with nothing to eat for 2 weeks.

  11. 11 PottyMouthMommy October 19, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    *sniff* I knew you could never love me like I love you… My short ass is too short for you even in 8 inch heels… yes- I’m a short ass… and believe it or not I HAVE dated men shorter than me… in heels anyhow… once upon a time when I was thin and hawt- I don’t think you could have caught me dead in anything lower than 2inches…. even working as a waitress…. pregnant… heh 😛

    now i’m old and shrinking even!!! gah!! in height that is…

    so yeah… um… stuff…

    P.S. ANYONE can sing well- with training… you just need to find your niche- and a great vocal coach!! 😛

  12. 12 Belle October 19, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    As for #6, what DO yall do to deserve that treatment? Because I want it. And as for #4, I wish I had that problem/neurosis.

  13. 13 Spot October 19, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    Aw Booshy Booshy Booshy. You crack my shit up. Everyday. And today is no exception. Thanks for that. =]

    And at least you are getting awards, right? Maybe you should be counting your blessings here. I mean book deals are all great and stuff but then people actually expect you to keep writing fabulous books and really aren’t blogs enough? You’d only get tired of the fame and fortune and the paparrazzi stalking you.

    ♥Spot

  14. 14 morethananelectrician October 19, 2009 at 10:07 pm

    I feel sooooo midget-like now…

  15. 15 thebakerbee October 20, 2009 at 9:45 am

    I’m with you on #2. Hubby knows he has 20 minutes from the time I say “I’m really hungry” until the time that I turn into a complete and total bitch. We call my alter-ego ‘Hungry Casey’

  16. 16 Linnnn October 20, 2009 at 9:53 am

    I feel so evil and neurotic when I SLAM THE LID DOWN on some irritatingly happy person humming/whistling away a tune of their own making nearby. I try to tell myself that it is cruel to furiously nuke someone’s evidentally self-amusing comforting habit and for a time employ supernatural self-control…and then they get louder, or change the tune to something like “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head.” Or both. Hide the sharp implements. Maybe it’s a tall chick thing…

  17. 17 Jessica October 20, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Barista: Totally true…though Tim says he thinks I WISH he were taller. I just say if that were the case, we’d just get one of those old fashioned racks…the kind that stretch you…

    franzi: exactly! Short men are awesome. Well, men shorter than me…no, the one I married that’s shorter than me…he’s the awesome one…damn.

    Sandy: Never thought about it from a dog’s perspective. Everything seems MUCH EASIER that way…I think the stilts are a no-go, though….

    Rose: A person who clipped their nails even within earshot of me would not survive. Period.

    Shannon: Maybe we could be bitchy together…after I finish complaining about having to LIST ALL THESE HONESTY THINGS BECAUSE OF YOU. 🙂

    mark price: you recommend me to friends?? That might be dangerous. I might have to start flicking those boogers…actually, that’d never happen because I have this fear of even touching boogers…the sight alone is enough for me to yell at whoever has the bat in the cave to remove it. Immediately.

    Cyndi: That is hysterical. Midgets…in the trailer park. I have that censor problem as well…and I am reminded of it every day. Stupid things that should never be vocalized just kind of…come out.

    backoffhipster: I had to look up anthropomorphize. Got it now. Yea! for the vocabulary lesson. I really should keep that word in my working vocabulary…since I do that with EVERYTHING…GPS systems, dog toys…they all have names and a well-defined personality.

    JaimeLynne: How short is…short?

    Mary: Just a smidge fatter…and I’d be one happy girl (sarcasm…just happened there…in case you missed it).

    PottyMouthMommy: I don’t know. Tim may disagree with the training. I may be beyond that. And, short chicks are AWESOME! Just don’t put your face in my non-existent boobs when you hug me and we’re cool.

    Belle: When Tim saw your comment, he said this: “We (which means he) worked our asses off and spent tons of money on school, school that we went to forever.” I just married into it all. All as in: whatver “this” is…Yea me. Actually, I went to school…but a degree in Psychology doesn’t exactly bring in the bacon…things like math bring in the bacon. And I suck at math.

    Spot: No, bring on the book deals and constant scrutiny. I work well under pressure. 🙂

    morethananelectrician: Again…how short is short?

    thebakerbee: I love that! I need a name for my hungry alter ego…hmm…

    Linnnn: It might just be a tall chick thing…never thought about that. We’re used to getting our way. 🙂

  18. 18 submom October 20, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Amazon tall? A hot body? Man. Now I am really cyber stalking you for real. 😉

    You don’t need no stinkin’ rewards. Look at your readership and the number of comments (all of them positive!). You are a prize in yourself. Tell the midget, hm, Tim, that.

  19. 19 Kalla Vieaux October 20, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Phew! I thought only I thought these things!

  20. 20 Angelia October 20, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    I read this post last night about 1am, I had an itching attack, so I was stoned…I mean itch free on Benadryl. All that popped into my head was sitting at the breakfast table 30years ago with my two brothers. One was super grouchy and the other had asthma. So for the whole breakfast grouch would SCREAM STOP WHEEZING at my brother. When my brother wasn’t wheezing he was eating cereal. So then my brother yells STOP SMACKING. Wheeze or smack that kid couldn’t do anything right. #5 definitely my big brother – brutally honest and irritated by noises.
    HA.

  21. 21 morethananelectrician October 20, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    I am a midget-like 5’8″…on a tall day.

  22. 22 capriccio October 21, 2009 at 6:15 am

    10. Me also. Staying in touch with people is difficult. I think in my case this stems from the fact that I’m selfishly wrapped up in my own life like that one piece of chicken that stays in the burrito.

    9. I wasn’t terribly shy as as child but in college I became a hermit. The only evidence I went to college is my degree; otherwise you’d be hard pressed to find witnesses.

    8. I find that the key to good singing is being alone in the car with the volume up loud and then belting as loud as possible, because shyness gets in the way of the power of one’s vocal ejaculations. I am so awesome at singing alone in the car it’s insane. But the world will never know, and that’s okay, because their eyeballs would fall out and their pants would drop if they did, and I ain’t having sex with no eyeless bitches.

    7. Baked goods are the turds of Satan. Don’t touch that danish, for it is a crusty dried lump of devil poop full of Mephistophelean diarrhea, tainted with the forbidden partially-digested fruit of Eden. That chocolate cupcake, it is but an old cup-molded ass goblin of Beelzebub, frosted in the fiber-fed moistened anal juice of Azazel the goat demon. If you eat baked goods, you eat the droppings of hell.

    PS. It pleased me to know once that my roommate got rejected from her bellydancing class because she had no fat on her. Apparently you need not a tiny amount of fat on you to bellydance because if you don’t then you’ve got no belly and there’s nothing to sinuously wave over your abs. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen bellydancing but it is fucking hot.

    6. I don’t do that but this one time when I stayed in a fairly nice hotel I went a little ballistic because I thought to myself “This is probably the nicest place I will ever inhabit for any period of time ever,” and then I was so fucking ecstatic I went jumping around the room like I was pregnant with grasshoppers. I realize this is only vaguely related but it is what came out of my brain. Sometimes it’s nicer to know you’re a poor-ass hobo.

    5. Okay, so, as a person who gets pissed by little noises, can I ask you a question? Am I more annoying if I sing badly out loud to myself, or if I whistle? Or am I a fucker no matter what and I should just shut up?

    4. Me also, but for some reason this doesn’t motivate me to sweat much. It just results in a lot of unproductive days and self-loathing.

    3. Why be ashamed of that? Own that shit, woman. It’s just decor and cooking and homery, it’s not like you’re a closet necrophiliac or something.

    2. Everybody tells me this is the case with them, but I only feel really good if I am hungry. Apparently I’m a freak of nature.

    1. I would totally do an Oompa-Loompa.


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