the farm animal

Tim gets the shitty jobs.

All of them.

I don’t clean toilets. I don’t clean the litter box. I only wipe Lexi’s pooper hole after her ass had an explosion and required additional help if Tim isn’t home.

He is also designated bathroom cleaner.

I’m not entirely sure HOW it all worked out this way…probably went something like he just kept doing it and I continued to let him.

When I officially moved in however many years ago, he started having to deal with hair. And hair totally grosses him out. I mean, even just a SINGLE STRAND on the floor and he’ll be all, SWEETHEART! GET YOUR DISGUSTING HAIR OFF THE FLOOR!”

Me: It’s just A HAIR. And it’s clean. Geez. I JUST SHOWERED.

Tim: I don’t care. It’s gross. Loose hair is GROSS.

Me: What about YOUR LOOSE HAIR?

Tim: That’s different. I know where it came from.

(Apparently, the one’s that come off my head must instead be evil spawn from an undisclosed location, hence his severe aversion to going within five feet of them)

So, I go through this ritual every morning of sweeping up all those stray hairs as many stray hairs within my reach from the floor and throwing them into the trash.

The one place, however, that I don’t pick up my hair from is the shower.

Namely, the shower drain.

We have a stand-up only shower. There are no sensual bath opportunities in this thing. Standing room only. Actually, it’s standing room for ONE…and only one. The whole two person thing ends up leaving someone freezing their Tim freezing his ass off while the other stands under I enjoy the hot water.

Anyhow, Tim’s the bathroom cleaner, remember? Which includes the shower.

He rarely asks for my help when he’s cleaning the bathroom, and if he does, it’s to clean easy things like the sinks and the mirror. On one particular afternoon, I was doing my miniscule bathroom cleaning duties while Tim was in the shower, scrubbing it down. And he was really cleaning…he removed the drain cover and everything. Then, all of a sudden he starts gagging all, “GET ME A WIRE HANGER.”

I look over like, What the hell? You’re gagging?….and you want a WIRE HANGER?…I’d think a trash can would be more appropriate, but whatever.

I grabbed one from the closet and handed it over while Tim was green and doubled over.

Me: What the hell is that smell?


He takes the hanger, creates this mini-fishing pole thing and then shoves it down the drain.

Me: What is it that smells so bad? IT IS AWFUL! OH MY GOD…It’s permeating everything….

Tim: Just shut up and get me the trash can.

Me: So NOW you want the trash can? Why didn’t you just ask for both?


I huffed over all, “Fine. Whatever.” …grabbed the can and plopped it down next to the shower door. I turned around to go back to my sink cleaning and then I hear, HOLY MOTHER FUCKER…WHAT. THE. HELL….(proceed lots of gagging).

I whip around just in time to see Tim fish out this massive glob of who the hell knows what…hair… LOADS OF HAIR…mold, bits of soap…tiny flies scattering…I even think I saw a slimy, green troll abandon his makeshift lair and dive back into the drain hole.

He just stood in the shower and held it at arms length, the thing dangling off the end of the hanger, almost in shocked disbelief that it wasn’t alive and hadn’t already creeped out of its little hole in the middle of the night and ate our faces off, evil voice coming from the center of the mass all, “if I can’t have a face, neither can you.”

I just stared, open mouthed all, “WHAT. THE. HELL. You’re past girlfriends were totally gross.”

Tim looks up at me as he finally drops the thing – because that’s totally what it looked like. Thing. –  into the trash can all, “I DIDN’T DATE ANY OTHER BRUNETTES. THAT’S YOUR HAIR.”

Me: No, I totally think it’s blonde hair that got moldy.

Tim: And you are totally wrong. Would you like to get a closer inspection to determine just what color it is?

Me: Well, part of that has to be YOUR HAIR.

Tim: It’s only because YOUR HAIR TRAPPED IT and wouldn’t let it continue down the drain. Now do you see why I think HAIR IS DISGUSTING?

Me: No, now I see why I don’t clean the shower.

We dubbed the mass conglomerate of what was surely radio-active material the “farm animal.”


30 Responses to “the farm animal”

  1. 1 mmclaughlin October 18, 2009 at 8:49 am

    my husband also cleans the bathrooms – mainly because they are always 100 times more disgusting when he is home than when he’s not. He’s grossed out by the hair in the drain, but he cleans it out anyway. The smell thing is weird though…I’ve never had that happen. Then again, we clean out the drain every couple of months (and by “we”, I mean “he”), so maybe your drain had just been clogged so long that it took on a life of its own. 🙂

  2. 2 lifestartsnow October 18, 2009 at 9:07 am

    i am with tim on the hair issue. i cannot stand it! i’m not really ok with my hair on the floor, but like he said, at least i know where it came from.
    other hair, hair on people’s clothes, hair in a public restroom (not that they aren’t gross enough already)…you name it, it’s disgusting.

    if your animal farm thing smelled like that your drain was close to being clogged completely. i know, you gave a very detailed description (including the gagging and more gagging) of a horrible sunday 3 years ago…


  3. 3 Stone Fox October 18, 2009 at 9:20 am

    i am so thoroughly disgusted by cleaning hair out of the drains. i have to wear rubber gloves and keep telling myself it’s just woolly sock lint.

  4. 4 Alice in Wonderland October 18, 2009 at 9:50 am

    UGH!!! Just the thought of it makes me feel sick! But where does it all come from…this gungy, hairy, slimy mess? I’m sure that it couldn’t possibly come from me…or could it? Maybe there really are THINGS living in the drains! I’ll have to get someone to inspect this!

  5. 5 Belle October 18, 2009 at 10:14 am

    Tim is a fabulous husband, even if a bit squeamish. I can’t think of one guy I know that takes bathroom cleaning duties!

  6. 6 Spot October 18, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Um…that’s what they make that super hair eating drano stuff for! Imagine two women living in the same house. Bigger and grosser hair “animals”. But you pour that stuff down the drain and it eats it. Presto whammo all gone!

    I clean the stupid bathrooms because my hubby doesn’t do it right. And I’m pretty sure he fails on purpose but whatever. And I am the only one who cleans hair out of the shower but I don’t mind because I mean everyone just showered, therefore it’s clean hair. Duh. And cleaning up cat poop/vomit/hairballs is sooo much grosser.


  7. 7 bevchen October 18, 2009 at 10:55 am

    See, this is EXACTLY why I have one of those filter thingies in the the plug hole of my shower (you know, the round metal things with teeny tiny holes, much smaller than the holes of the actual drain, so that no big thinhs – like hair – can get down. What are those things called?!). And the filtery thingy is then cleaned out every time someone has a shower. No need to touch the wet hair either – we use toilet paper!

    Also, if your drain had reached THAT stage I’m surprised it wasn’t blocked already?!

  8. 8 Cindy Lou October 18, 2009 at 11:03 am

    One word….ugh! OK – maybe a few more – thank your lucky stars that Tim is even willing to THINK about cleaning small, smelly, gross animals out of the drain. Your descriptions were awesome…. 🙂

  9. 9 Mark October 18, 2009 at 11:06 am

    DAMMITALL!! now I have to go home and clean. Ugh, when will this computer just die!
    And, THANKS A LOT TIM!! For making me look bad! Friggin Martha Stewarts brother, ##(*!#^^)&#&&#^^$%…….grumbling as I sulk away…

  10. 10 maureenlynn October 18, 2009 at 11:46 am

    I think all guys are grossed out by disembodied hair. My drain is made so that the water goes down but the hair just floats at the top and I can grab it out. This is a fabulous invention. I use my bare hands. Matt uses a paper towel. But then again, he makes me wash my hands after I drive or touch a door handle or whatever else “might” possibly have germs on it.

  11. 11 Momish October 18, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Three women, all with long hair… OK, you get the picture. You are so lucky that Tim takes over the bathroom cleaning. Unfortunatly, I am the one that does all that roto rootering and disgusting stuff. Yulk. I actually gagged myself while reading this (in between laughing, of course).

  12. 12 Jenera October 18, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    I have a terrible hair shedding problem and my husband hates it laying on the floor. But I don’t even want to think of what my drain looks like. Yuck.

  13. 13 Lady X October 18, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    OH MY GOD, Hilarious! Thank you, thank you.

  14. 14 "Seattle" Heather October 18, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    OMG this was fantastic! And I have fished out a farm animal or two out of my drain a couple of times. Being divorced and all I have no one to blame but myself…damn it.

  15. 15 AmyAnne October 18, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    I don’t let my hair go down the drain. I have copious amounts of long hair that has been known to break lesser species of vacuums. So I stick it to the shower wall. Yeah. That’s totally better. And not gross at all. Husband flips a lid when I forget to pull it off. Hehehe.

    I clean the bathrooms. When the troll in the toilet tells me he’s had enough. Husband cleans the bathrooms when he can see the troll. Trying to train 10 year old how to clean bathrooms. That’s high on my to-do list right now.

  16. 16 essentiallyrose October 18, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Tim gets 1000 points. Hell, he deserves a hairball medal. Naaaaasty. But I do not like seeing other peoples’ hair when it’s not on their head, or any other part of their body. The grossest thing is the lone pubic hair on the toilet seat. Who knew that people shed their pubic hairs just like head hairs? Apparently I did not get that notice. And what is the point of all that hair? I wish evolution would hurry up and get rid of all of our monkey traits.

  17. 17 Angelia October 18, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    I am so glad the “farm animal” did not have a couple teeth and an ear. You might have had pity on it and gave it a cage in the backyard. Called it by a REAL name or something.

  18. 18 Stephanie October 18, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    My hair is super long and think and clogs up the drain all the time. In fact, I need to use some Draino on my shower right now, but haven’t gotten around to it. It’s pretty disgusting and I think SOMEONE needs to make some kind of invention so that no one has to worry about it. Even though it’s my hair, I won’t be cleaning that.

  19. 19 bellakagan October 18, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    I’m laughing. Really really hard right now. =]

  20. 20 PottyMouthMommy October 18, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    if that was me and my husband- I would be dead right now… because I would have been laughing too goddamn hard to get either the hanger OR the garbage can….

    omg… I have tears streaming down my face right now and my husband thinks I’ve officially gone off my rocker!!

  21. 21 kaanderson83 October 18, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    You are freaking hilarious!!!! And be glad it was your Tim that fished the hair from the drain… it’s severely more embarrassing when it’s the hott Roto Rooter guy… sigh.

  22. 22 Mindy@thesuburbanlife October 19, 2009 at 12:05 am

    Oh, the hubby and I fight nonstop over the “hair issue.” He swears he doesn’t lose ANY hair, and every bit of clogged up gunk in our shower drains is Whatever. It will be a never-ending battle between us, I think.

  23. 23 Erin October 19, 2009 at 3:07 am

    The SECOND we are done cleaning, somehow hairs start jumping off my head and on to the floors and counters. It’s really amazing. I always blame the cat, even though they are like 10-inch long hairs.

  24. 24 trey October 19, 2009 at 6:50 am

    Thank you Mrs Booshy for saying hello! would you believe I lived in Norcross for a while! LOL Well..its hotlanta for a reason!!! The human hair is fine from my girlfriend…its the dogs that used to get me!! the dogs would shed EVERYWHERE!!!

  25. 25 Linnnn October 19, 2009 at 7:31 am

    “I even think I saw a slimy, green troll abandon his makeshift lair and dive back into the drain hole.”

    I don’t want to unduly alarm you, Jessica, but I think he saw you naked.

  26. 26 ɹǝƃƃolquǝʞoʇ October 19, 2009 at 8:43 am

    You told that story really well — my stomach was actually getting that queasy feeling. Ick. Ick! ICK!

  27. 27 backoffhipster October 19, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    I’m always really creeped out by how much hair is left in the drain after I wash it. This has led to paranoia about going bald.
    I agree with Tim that loose hair and fur is gross. I take the lint roller to my cats, sort of as a preemptive strike before they get fur all over the sofa.

  28. 28 submom October 20, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    Any man that cleans the bathroom AND the shower stall and does not complain is totally a keeper, mideget or no midget.

    I think loose hair is gross too, unfortunately I am the perpetrator in our family since mine is dark and husb’s is blond… And they are SO HARD to pick up. What’s the dillie with THAT? Medusa has it easy. That’s all I am saying.

  29. 29 rachel October 20, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    We fight about the hair in the drain, also. He recently has stopped complaining though.

    The reason?

    He realized he is the reason for a lot of the hair. The man is balding. Voila!

  30. 30 theerin October 21, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    i hate loose hairs, mine and everybody else’s. we finally put a dust buster in the bathroom so i can vaccuum up my hair after a brushing. before then it just grew into a mountain and was disgusting.

    the spousal unit had to unclog both the bathroom sinks several months back. what was clogging them? six years of my hair. yeah, the smell is pretty awful.

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