i’m dishwasher challenged

Though I’ve been wandering around for like, 26…almost 27 years…apparently I’m still clueless when it comes to dishwashers.

And stoves.

And toilets.

But, with the whole dishwasher thing…I mean, COME ON. Just because I put a bowl or a cup in the wrong direction or stuff three plates into the space made for just one doesn’t mean it won’t get cleaned.

It just means said utensils will get to enjoy the whole “washing” experience twice.

Or if we’re really having a bad day, three times. And when I say “we” I mean the dishes. It’s not my fault they don’t take some personal responsibility and rearrange themselves during the whole washing process to make sure they get all nice and shiny. I mean, the door LOCKS…it’s not like I can jump in to help you out and rinse off your backside.

I just had to give up on a spoon with an unidentified piece of food that was completely plastered to the “spoon” part. Had it been on the handle…wouldn’t have been such a big deal…but after seven runs, it still didn’t come off. Actually, I think it got worse…all that super-heating and then cooling caused the food bits to be hermetically sealed to the spoon.

Tim just informed me that is scientifically impossible for that to happen. Whatever. The point is – it wasn’t coming off so I wasn’t going to use it.

That’s my relationship with the dishes.

Dishwashers were invented so I don’t have to clean them.

And if they – the dishes – don’t want to work with that, then they’ll just have to sit in there forever. No skin off my back. There are PLENTY of other plates who come out nice and sparkly and I’m more than obliged to use the one’s who aren’t high maintenance all “I need special, hand washing.”

So, today is rainy…and cold. We expected the cold but nowhere did the rain get forecasted. So instead of our “plan” – which was to go run around Stone Mountain, we’re playing Home Improvement.

So far, We’ve been  to Lowe’s THREE TIMES and Home Depot once because one place didn’t have exactly what we wanted and then other didn’t have ANY of what we wanted so we had to go BACK to the other place to “make do” with what they had…and between all that, a trip back to the house because we forgot a PAINT CHIP to try to have the paint people match our wall color. Actually, we went to Lowe’s yesterday, too. So, technically, I’ve seen the inside of that building four times in less than 12 hours.

All for toilet seats.

That’s where this run-around started.

Damn toilet seats.

Today, we had to go back to get matchy handle-flusher things because the attachment things to keep the seat on the toilet were a different color than the flushy handle thing. I have no idea what the technical term is for a flusher thing…and when I don’t know the word, the function it performs automatically becomes its name.

Like the squeegy thingy.

Or the rinser.

Or the thing that does the thing that makes it go in circles.

Tim has figured out most of what I’m talking about – but sometimes, like that last one, he just looks at me all, “What the hell, woman? The thing that goes in CIRCLES?”

Me: Nooo! The thing that MAKES the thing go in circles.

Tim: A little context here…that’d be, you know, slightly helpful.

Me: Umm…you know, we saw it on TV.

Tim: That isn’t helping.

Me: I don’t remember…something about trains and then there was this little guy with a hat explaining something with the wheels and circles…

Tim: Was I even HOME when you were watching this?

Me: I don’t think so.

Tim: Then HOW is your description of a guy with a hat SUPPOSED TO HELP?

Me: It was on the History Channel…I thought maybe you’d seen it and would remember him…he was really short and wore these funny looking suspenders…do people actually still wear suspenders?

Tim: Are you asking me about the circles or are you just going off on a tangent?

Me: Both.

Tim: Go look it up. The thing that makes the thing go in circles. Type that in. I’m sure google will give you HOURS of answers.

Me: …but, the suspenders?

Tim: google.

Me: I didn’t marry you to be pawned off to google.

Tim: google is what keeps this marriage from going insane.

Me: I think you mean you…from keeping you from going insane.



I never could find OR remember that circle thing…and I probably won’t…which is slightly disappointing…though I never much cared about trains, anyway. I DID learn, however, after ransacking the closet, that Tim doesn’t have any suspenders. As for what that means…I have not a fucking clue. I just thought you’d like to know.


10 Responses to “i’m dishwasher challenged”

  1. 1 eatingmachine October 17, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    i always tell my fiance he wastes water when he rinses dishes before they go in the dishwasher…
    then he tries to get all logical “having to run it twice before the dishes are clean because you won’t rinse them wastes water too”
    i don’t know what his point is…

  2. 2 Lawgirl October 17, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    ROFLMAO @ I didn’t marry you to be pawned off on Google. Classic.

  3. 3 Angelia October 17, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    I was raised to WASH the dishes with soap, THEN you put them in the dishwasher and run it. That’s how it works. That’s what mom said. Now, Jason DID NOT do that and he clogged up his dishwasher with nasty, stinky food in his dishwasher drain, which he had to scoop out (by hand). It smelled so bad, I had to run from the room just to breathe! Ewwwwww!

    Pssst…Did you check Tim’s sock drawer for suspenders? Seriously, you want to be sure, don’t you?

    • 4 Jessica October 17, 2009 at 7:11 pm

      Angelia: UGH! You just reminded me of the “farm animal” ….a long story I think I must write about… 🙂

      and no, I didn’t check the sock drawer…damn.

  4. 5 cheekyredhead October 17, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    Hmmm…suspenders…”Red and Green Show?” I wouldn’t let that guy in the Red and Green Show fix anything, although I am sure he had ALL the parts you needed for your DIY project… um…somwhere in his garage.

    Dang girl…your funny!

  5. 6 Stone Fox October 17, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    when we first moved into this house, our toilet seats were faux wood.

    faux. wood.

    you know the kind i mean. i guess i shouldn’t have been too surprised, every single room (except the kid’s rooms) was painted a different shade of purple.


    went nice with the faux wood.

  6. 7 Spot October 18, 2009 at 10:32 am

    I’m just flabbergasted because you’re supposed to match the handle flushy thingy to the things that hold the seat on and I DID NOT KNOW!!!. Mine totally don’t match. But at least I don’t have faux wood toilet seats. *shudder*

    I’m banned from dishwasher loading in my house because “I do it wrong”. I don’t know what the big deal is because half the time they still don’t come out clean. But I figure what the hell, at those high temps all the leftover food has been sterilized and is therefore safe. =]


  7. 8 bevchen October 18, 2009 at 11:02 am

    My 3 year old brother would know what the thing is that does the thing that makes it go in circles. If it has anything to do with trains HE WILL KNOW. It’s fascinating, in a slightly scary kind of way. By the way, WHAT does the thing make go in circles? The trains?

    I don’t even have a dishwasher, or space in my flat for a dishwasher. Which means I have to do ALL the dishes by hand. Every single day. Except, obviosuly, I don’t do them every single day. In fact, right now I still have dishes from Tuesday waiting for me to wash them. And I really must get them done tonight, otherwise the boyfriend will see them when he returns tomorrow and he will know that I haven’t done any dishes for almost a week, again. (I think I’m actually starting to figure out the reason he doesn’t seem to want to live with me…)

  8. 9 AmyAnne October 18, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    1st dishwashers are made to wash dishes. If you have to wash your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher then you need a new dishwasher. Geeze people.

    2nd my husband rocks. He’s like a walking google. With every kid I have my vocabulary slips away into some abyss. My recall is even worse. So I’ll be talking along and some simple word will not be anywhere within reach…I’ll say something like “You know, it was on the, the…thing with a flat top and the pointy legs.” And he’ll know instantly that I was talking about the table even though our table is round with a pedestal underneath. I need to make a note and remember this awesomeness. Sometimes it gets lost in the dirty socks on the floor.

  9. 10 waltzinexile October 26, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    I just checked, and Goat Daddy does not have suspenders, either. Now I’m very worried. And I don’t even know why.
    Thank you so much for leaving me a comment so I could find my way to this funhouse.
    That looks sarcastic, doesn’t it? I swear it’s not.

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